She’d been all alone, and it was his fault.
And why? Because he didn’t think what he had to offer her was good enough. Blythe and their child had paid for his self-doubt.
A plunge of panic took him down. Nate tried to find the anger he’d held for Blythe a moment before, but it had fled. In its place was a terrible grief and a well of guilt. He put his head in his hands.
“All of them,” he whispered.
“How’s that? I got old ears.” Father Gabe said, cupping a palm behind his ear.
Nate raised his head. “You asked me what was behind my anger. Frustration, pain, or fear… It’s all of them.”
Father Gabe nodded as though he knew the answer already. “What frustrates you?”
His response was immediate. “That I’ve loved Blythe my whole adult life, and I still can’t get this right.”
“What pains you?”
This was harder. Because there were so many things. “I want our baby,” he managed over the knot that sprouted in his throat. “But that’s not all. Even though I’m mad at her, I hurt for her. Blythe’s suffered with this for six years, and there’s nothing I can do about that.”
Father Gabe resettled his glasses on his nose. “Nate, what scares you?”
Nate swallowed hard past the sadness because his fear was greater than his sorrow. “I’ve already lost her once. I can’t lose her again.” He stared down at his empty hands. “The way I treated her last night? I’d kill another man who yelled at her like that.”
“Hmm,” Father Gabe grunted. Nate looked up at him.
“Hmm, what?”
“Nothing, really. It just sounds like you want to be forgiven.” The old man looked at Nate with a gleam in his eye. “And I’ll bet that Blythe wants the same thing.”
Would that be enough? Nate pictured Blythe the moment he bolted from her kitchen. She’d wept in a heap on the floor because he’d condemned her. He should have gotten down on his knees, shed his own tears, and begged her forgiveness for leaving her in that situation.
Now, he had wronged her twice.
“How could she trust me to be good to her after I’ve failed her both times it counted?”
Father Gabe grunted again.
“Everything counts, including every minute you go without talking to her.”
As he listened, a part of Nate wanted to fly out the door and speed to Blythe’s apartment. The other part felt doomed.
“What if I screw up again?”
Father Gabe huffed. “You will screw up again. There’s no doubt about that.”
Nate gaped at the priest. “You’re not making me feel any better.”
Father Gabe just chuckled.
“I’m sorry, Nate, but I’m telling you the truth. We’re human, not divine,” he said, smiling. “You’ve hurt each other, yes. But what has it taught you?”
The question stunned him because the answers were so obvious. Losing Blythe six years ago had made one thing crystal clear; she was the love of his life. He could never forget her. Her hold on him could never fail. Not then. Not now. Not ever. And when he thought of his anger and pain at the night’s revelations, Nate saw them now in a different light. Yes, he was also responsible for the child they had lost. He’d have to bear that knowledge until he died. But the clarity that now came to him — what he could not deny — was how much he needed to try again.
“I want to make a family with her,” he blurted.
The smile that lit Father Gabe’s eyes almost embarrassed Nate. Lila stepped into the den then carrying a tray loaded with mugs of tea. Without looking at either man, she set them on the coffee table in the center of the room.
“Blythe is a good woman,” she said. Nate knew she’d heard the whole conversation, and her mantra about Blythe hadn’t changed. He had to clear his throat again before he could speak.
“Yes… she is. And I love her.”
Of course, Lila wasn’t looking at him, but he watched her as a slight smile took her lips.
“Since Wednesday, July 16, 2008,” she said.
Nate’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “Lila… How do you know that?” he asked in awe. Nate wouldn’t have been able to name the date, but he had no doubt it was the day they’d met at Mrs. Ester’s. The memories came like a storm surge.
The angel who walked into his life behind a trail of children.
She was golden and perfect, and he’d been so careless with her.
“I’ve hurt her, Lila,” he admitted, tasting bile in the truth.
“She’s been sad since Monday, August 25, 2008 at 2:17 p.m.” This time, truth became a knife in his gut. His face must have matched his agony because Father Gabe rose, stood over him, and braced Nate’s shoulder with his broad hand.
“You have the power to change that, son… Now that the secret is out, now that you are together in your suffering, the healing can begin.”
She might not listen. She might not even want to see him, to hear him out, but he had to try.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
“FOR SOMEBODY WHO’S JUST HAD HER heart broken, you sure can kick some ass,” Calvin said, giving her an admiring smile as they walked to the car. Her heart was broken, but it would be easier to joke with him than admit it.
“Well, I warned him,” Blythe said. “He’s lucky I didn’t use my mace.”
Seth must have sensed her weakness at dinner. But when he tried to sprinkle Mexican cheese on her plate, Blythe grabbed his right ring finger and wrenched it skyward. Her oaf of a brother had dropped to the floor with a whimper, scattering cheese everywhere.
Alexandra howled at them for fighting in the kitchen, but Calvin cheered his allegiance, and even her father had worn a supportive grin.
When she’d seen Seth’s wicked smile and known his intentions, a split-second realization occurred to her. She’d never have Nate Bradley around to fight him off, so she’d better start fighting for herself.
“Maybe he’ll think twice about messing with my food.”
As they pulled onto University Avenue, Calvin wrinkled his nose in doubt.
“He’s too stupid,” he said with mock pity.
Blythe crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, he’ll get worse next time.”
Calvin laughed along with her and made a right onto Lee. “I hope I’m there to see it.”
He parked in the spot at the foot of her apartment stairs, and she saw him look up.
“Um… Blythe?” The caution in his eyes made her laughter evaporate, and she followed the track of his gaze.
A male figure sat at the top of her stairs.
Nate.
Even in shadow, she knew it was him. She’d know him anywhere.
“See? I told you,” Calvin said, his tone superior.
Blythe shot her brother a look. “He’s probably here to yell at me again.” Even as she said the words, she didn’t quite believe them. Her heart was already hammering in her chest. Why was he here? To clear the air and say goodbye for good?
“Do you want me to stay?” Her brother asked, genuine concern clear in his eyes.
Blythe looked back toward the stairs. Nate had gotten to his feet, and she could see that he gripped the wrought iron banister. He might still be upset, but she knew he wouldn’t hurt her. Not physically, anyway.
“No, it’s okay. You can go.” Blythe took a deep breath, steeled her courage, and opened the car door.
“I’ll stay down here anyway… until I’m sure you’re really okay.”
Blythe smiled at her brother. She liked the adult he was becoming. She leaned back into the car and kissed him on the cheek.
“Thank you.”
Calvin made a face, reminding her that he wasn’t quite an adult yet, and he followed it with a smirk. “No problem.”
She closed the car door and turned to find Nate at the foot of her stairs. He was too beautiful; it hurt just to look at him. His face was almost expressionless, but Blythe thought she saw sadness in his eyes. At least
it wasn’t wrath. His sadness gave her the courage to walk toward him, but she stopped when only a few feet stood between them.
Ready for anything, Blythe looked him in the eyes. If he needed to yell at her more, she’d take it. She’d survive, even if it hurt like hell.
She stood facing him for what seemed like days, waiting for him to demand explanations, to condemn her anew. The silence was almost as bad as his shouting had been.
“It’s my fault. All of it.”
Her head snapped back at the stunning words.
“What?”
“I was an ass last night, and I’m sorry.” A frown overtook his sad eyes, but he didn’t look away. “I didn’t want to believe what happened, and I didn’t want to own my part in it.”
“Nate… it wasn’t you. I know what I did,” she said, fear draining from her, leaving only the truth. “I’ll never stop regretting it, and I don’t expect you to forgive me.”
To her surprise, Nate winced and stepped closer. Close enough to touch. Her heart pounded hard, a pulsing weight in her chest.
“No, listen to me,” he said, taking her hand and looking anguished. “I’ve failed you so many times… I’m so sorry.”
How could he be apologizing to her? It was the last thing she expected. But even though she couldn’t make sense of it, the gentle touch of his hand and his closeness threatened her composure. Tears filled her eyes, and one slipped down her cheek. Before she knew what happened, he pulled her into his arms. At once, she was surrounded by Nate. Strong, solid, wonderful Nate. He smelled like cut grass and forever, but she knew this couldn’t be right. Blythe pushed back against him, needing to keep her distance so she wouldn’t fall to pieces.
“But Nate, I—”
To her shock, instead of releasing her, he pulled her closer, pressing her into his chest.
“I’m not letting go.” He spoke in a rush, squeezing her as he did. “I let you go back then because I thought you couldn’t handle all the shit in my life, but it turns out I’m the one who can’t deal.”
Blythe couldn’t let herself believe the remorse in his voice. If hope returned now, it could destroy her. She braced against him so she could meet his eyes.
“Wh-what are you saying?”
The look he wore was a mix of misery and awe. It made her want to comfort him.
“You are so much stronger than I am.” He gripped her arms and gave her a little shake. “You carried that pain by yourself for so long. But not anymore.”
When he pressed his lips to her forehead and gave her two gentle kisses, Blythe held her breath. He pulled back then and looked into her eyes, the pain in his gaze piercing her.
“I love you, Blythe. I have from the start, and I’ll never stop. Is that okay with you?”
Before she could answer, the sound of crunching gravel made them both turn. Calvin had put the car in reverse. Blythe had completely forgotten his presence. He stuck his head out the driver’s side window as he backed out onto Lee.
“Told ya!” he shouted before pulling away.
A smile broke across her face when she met Nate’s eyes again. The angst of the moment had broken with her brother’s interruption, and Nate’s good-humored scowl set her laughing.
“That boy…” he growled.
Blythe untangled herself from his arms and grabbed his hand instead.
“We should go inside.” She started up the stairs and jerked to a stop when Nate didn’t budge. She turned to face him. Blythe could never understand how uncertainty could exist on a face so gorgeous. “What?”
When he spoke, his voice was so soft it nearly brought Blythe to her knees.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
Until that moment, until she saw how his happiness hinged on her unspoken words, Blythe thought she might have been dreaming. But it was real. As impossible as it seemed, Nate still wanted her. Before her eyes, life broke open, bright and new, and it beckoned her to step forward.
“My answer’s the same as it’s always been,” she said, resting her hands on his shoulders now that she could look straight into his blazing brown eyes. “I’ll love you forever whether you let me or not.”
As soon as the words were out, Nate grabbed her around the middle and lifted her off the stairs. When he took the steps at a run, Blythe wrapped her legs around his waist and laughed until he caught her mouth in a kiss.
Somehow, without Nate setting her down, they managed to unlock her front door, and he kept them upright when it swung open. He spun her around to lock the door behind them before carrying her through the tiny apartment.
Nate stopped at the threshold of her bedroom.
“Wait,” he said, almost to himself. He looked in her eyes with a question in his. “Blythe, I… Everything is forgiven. Everything. But I don’t want there to be secrets between us.”
“Okay…” she said, uncertain where this was going, but she wanted to trust him.
“Since we’ve been apart, I’ve slept with one woman.” His pained frown made her lay her palm over his heart. “We were lovers for a few months, but I didn’t love her. If I’d have known you’d come back to me, I wouldn’t have done it.”
Blythe forced herself to swallow the lump in her throat.
“Believe me, Nate, there’s a lot I wouldn’t have done if I’d have known I’d get you back,” she said, trying to keep regret from taking her under. Nate must have seen her turmoil because he put a finger under her chin and tipped her mouth up to his. He kissed her sweetly, tenderly, seeming to promise with every touch that she was safe to speak the truth.
“I’ve slept with three men since you,” she admitted, hating the way it sounded. “Two of them were college boyfriends. Neither relationship lasted very long. But the last was with me for a year and a half.”
Nate didn’t look surprised or hurt. He looked relieved.
“I was afraid you’d marry him,” he said, shocking her. “Your mom told me about him last April, and the thought of you spending your life with someone else used to wake me up at night.”
It shouldn’t have, but the truth made her smile.
“I never would have married Clayton,” she said ruefully. “I didn’t love him. I’ve only ever loved you.”
“Thank God,” he muttered before sealing his mouth against hers.
In the next instant, Nate lowered her onto the bed and followed her down. The sight of him above her stole her breath. His eyes held a look she couldn’t quite name — a joyful disbelief, and she knew it must have mirrored her own. Blythe reached up and touched his face.
“I missed you so much. And then I thought I’d lost you… for good,” she confessed, needing to speak her fear out loud. “I didn’t think I’d ever be this close to you again.”
Above her, Nate shook his head, settling between her legs.
“I’ve learned my lesson,” he said, kissing her once on each cheek. “You’re stuck with me.”
His words made her laugh, and relief filled her middle. The weight of him on top of her gave Blythe a sense of comfort that sunk deep into her bones; they were out of danger.
But he was more than comfortable. The heat of his heavy body, the press of his pelvis against hers, the brush of his lips across her skin — all of this and her widening happiness set her desire alight.
“You feel so good,” she murmured, her fingers finding their way into his thick hair. Nate drew back to gaze down at her.
“Mmmm,” he hummed, his eyes going half-lidded. “That…”
She ran her hands down his faded chambray shirt and loved the way he swallowed at the sensation. When she reached for his top button, Blythe felt a shiver pass over him, and she smiled in triumph.
His shirt fell open, and her palms raced over the swell of his pecs and the tight bands of muscle across his stomach.
“Beautiful,” she whispered, wanting to worship him.
“You certainly are,” he countered, smiling. With one hand he drew away her scarf before rolling them
over. Nate grabbed the hem of her purple top and pulled until she was free.
Blythe sat up, straddling him, remembering the morning she gave him her virginity. That innocent girl was gone, but the woman who remained would love all the better for everything she’d lost.
Starting now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
“I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.”
Hearing Blythe say those words turned Nate inside out. He knew they’d come dangerously close to letting it all fall apart, but that wouldn’t have stopped him from loving her for all of eternity. The fact that she sat astride him now was nothing short of his own personal miracle.
Nate reached up and stroked her cheek with his fingers.
“I love you, Blythe… You have no idea.”
It occurred to Nate that, sitting on top of him, she probably had an excellent idea of how much he loved her — or at least how much he wanted her. Nate dragged his fingers along her neck and trailed them down the center of her chest. Blythe gave a kind of sigh and tilted her head back.
If he wanted her any more, it would probably kill him. Which was a problem.
Because even now, Nate couldn’t forget the fact that he’d let her down back then. Richland’s warning still echoed in his head, louder than ever. She had to know that he meant it when he’d said that he’d be there from now on.
Blythe reached back and plucked the clasp of her bra, and Nate’s thoughts scattered.
“Sweet heaven,” he muttered, catching her naked breasts in his hands. He sat up and pulled her against him, kissing the brilliant white flesh. He had touched and tasted her only days before, but in his bed, they had explored in the dark. Now, lamplight allowed him one more sense to savor. “You’re so beautiful…”
When his tongue found a nipple, she arched back, moving in his lap in a most dangerous way. Nate growled and flipped them over, putting her beneath him again. Her hands met his belt buckle, and seconds later his fly gave way.
Her fingers closed around him, and Nate swore aloud. He felt like he had the control of a fourteen-year-old. To avoid disaster, he pushed her hand away, unzipped her pants, and yanked them off.
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