by Alexa Davis
Lonely as it was, it wasn’t a bad feeling, to be alone on top of the world. I looked all around from my vantage point at the crest of the hill, and could see the ranch off in the distance; my altitude, and the cleared pastures between us made the mile of land between me and home seem much smaller. Out on the other side of the hill, where I was headed, I could see the wild mustangs in the far distance. I glanced down at Cooper, whose stayed perfectly still, except for his ears, which twitched every direction as he listened to the whinnies that floated to us in the breeze.
Lago Colina was a place of peace, no matter the turmoil of life. Even when we were working at breakneck paces, dragging our bruised and worn-out bodies to bed at the end of the day, working the land seemed tranquil compared to the bustle of rest of the world. I tried to forget how low I felt, the deep ache that was left behind by Libby’s refusal to see that she wasn’t the only damaged person in the world, and more than anything that if I made her happy, she deserved it.
Cooper tugged at his bit, and I gave him his head as he trotted down the hill to the next stack of replacement posts, about a hundred yards down the hillside. The post holes were dug, so it was a simple matter of dropping a six-foot post into a hole, back-fill, and wrap the post with barbed twine. It was repetitive, but I got into a rhythm as Cooper quietly grazed behind me, so that my mind went empty except for the work. All that existed, was the thud of the post in the hole, the smell of the soil I pressed around the wood, and wrapping the prickly wire, running it through my heavy gloves without it catching on me. Post after post, the thin sound of the wire unspinning from the spool, and before I knew it, the sun was almost hitting the horizon.
I had just turned taken my gloves off and turned to collect Cooper, who had wandered a few feet farther than I realized, when I saw a figure approaching on horseback. When she got closer, I could see that it was Libby, and I cursed Patty under my breath for meddling, as usual. I walked Cooper over to her, and helped her off Shiny, one of my mother’s mares. Cooper greeted Shiny warmly, and shamed me into doing the same for Libby.
“What were they thinking, sending you out as it was getting dark? I wasn’t even planning on being out this long, I just got into what I was doing, and time flew,” I babbled. “So, how about we both head in, before one of us ends up with a horse stepping in a gopher hole.” I was as grimy and sweaty as I had been when she arrived, and she smelled like soap and Chanel. I wanted her to get in her car and leave, almost as much as I wanted to drag her to the ground and cover myself with the touch of her skin, one last time.
“Well, I agree that we should get a little closer to the big house, but Patty sent me with dinner for you, so we don’t have to go all the way back, do we?” She patted the picnic basket tied to the saddle.
“I’m sorry she made you come get me,” I began, but she cut me off.
“No. I’m sorry. I mean, I asked her if I could come out here to you, and she gave me all this food… It was a bad idea.” She hid her face behind her hands, and I felt my resolve weaken further. She was so pretty and vulnerable in the dying light of the day, I couldn’t embarrass her by sending her away.
“You know what? I actually have a perfect place to eat, where we can have the benefit of not needing our flashlights, and still have enough light to enjoy the food you so thoughtfully brought me.”
“Not thoughtful, more…selfish,” she countered. “Which, I’m finding, has been a running theme in my life recently. But,” she held up a hand before I could argue, “give me this one last thing, and I have resolved to find a balance between what I need to be happy, and what I can give without losing myself.”
“Well, all right, then. Shall we?” We walked the horses to help avoid any dangerous footing we wouldn’t be able to see from the saddle, and I guided her on a trajectory that would take us to the closest edge of the garden, rather than the stable. The strings of lights that my mother kept up year-round were already lit as dusk settled over the mountain, and just before we walked down below the tree line, we paused to watch the last rays of sunlight hit the lake far below.
“It is so beautiful here. I know I’ve said it before, but how you manage to stay away and do business in the city—soul-sucking business, by the way—is beyond me.” I barked out a surprised laugh at her frank description of my work. Cooper jerked his head and pranced a little when the sudden sound startled him, and I apologized and stroked his face until he calmed again.
“It is lovely, but this place doesn’t really need me,” I confessed.
“That’s true,” she replied and I looked sharply at her, but she continued to watch the descending sun. “I mean, in town, you have clients and partners and even former colleagues who depend on you. I would know. I’m probably the neediest of them all.” She reached out and touched my hand. It was a fleeting, whisper-soft touch, but the moment her skin brushed mine, electricity surged from our point of contact through my body, making my heart speed up.
I moved away from her, pointing out the place we wanted to lay out the picnic, and led her down the hillside to the garden wall without talking. She set out the food and I watched from a safe distance, afraid that if I touched her again, I’d forget everything but how good it felt to have her skin under the palm of my hand. Every second with her was torture, from the sheer magnitude of the joy it brought me to move inside her as I held her close, to the pain of knowing that the physical was all she’d admit to enjoying with me.
She emptied the picnic basket, and from another saddle bag, produced a bottle of wine, a corkscrew, and glasses. We sat on the gingham picnic cloth under the soft white glow of the string of lights that draped from the veranda roof to posts my brothers and I had put it years before. I watched as she served me, once she’d made it clear that I wasn’t to touch anything, and handed me a glass of wine.
“I wanted to give you the apology you deserved, after being, well… kind of a heel earlier,” she began, once I had my oversized plate full of smoked meats, potatoes, and Western beans.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” I replied. I stared down at the food and realized I wasn’t hungry enough to force a single bite into my mouth, despite the award-winning barbeque skills of Miss Patty and old Jake.
“No. It’s not okay, and I already gave up on the perfect apology that would make everything okay. I know I don’t have anything to say that would just make things right again, because words just wouldn’t cut it.” She pushed food around on her plate, and I cringed, knowing she was as unhappy o be here as I was.
“Look, you don’t have to say or do anything, Libby. You have a right to your feelings.” She scoffed and nodded at me.
“I do, don’t I? But I have this niggling feeling in my chest, that says I’m not supposed to let my feelings hurt someone else, especially when that person has only brought goodness to me,” she looked at me from under her lashes and I shrugged.
“Yes, I guess there is that,” I replied, unsure of what else I could’ve said. Instead of continuing to speak, she stood and walked out of the range of the lights, so all I could see was her dim shape, pacing. “Libby, please come back. I don’t know what you want from me.” She edged closer to the light, on my side of the blanket.
“That’s why I brought you dinner, and made a clumsy apology, and am scared out of my skin right now. There is something I want from you.” I waited and watched her take a deep breath, and another, blowing them out through pursed lips. I patted the ground next to me and she gave a nervous laugh and joined me on the red and white checked cloth, her hands clasped in front of her.
“What do you need from me, Libby?” I prompted her, as she stared down at her hands.
“Right. I had this all thought out, and now I’m sort of stuck.” She cleared her throat and held out her closed fist, until I held my hand under it. She spread her fingers and a small cylindrical object landed in my palm. I held the ring towards the light, and then peered in the dimness at her neck, where I was used to seeing it.
“You want me to take your grandmother’s ring?” I asked, confused.
“I’m asking you to keep it for me, until you feel like giving it back to me,” she replied. I faced her, and she tried to smile, but her mouth crumpled like she was going to cry, instead. “My grandma wore it, and my mom, and they had good marriages, even though—” Her voice broke off as she cleared the tears from her throat. “—Even though Mom and Dad died too young. I always wanted to wear it too, but Andrew thought it was little and cheap and refused to let me use it when we got married.” I turned the antique silver band in my hand, examining the delicate scrolled detailing that wound around the edges.
“I think it’s beautiful, and simple. But Andrew never liked simple, did he?”
“No, he did not. And to be honest, I’m simple, myself.” She scoffed. “Tucker, I love you.” The words fell from her lips and pierced my chest, and it was all I could do to sit still and hear her out. “I forget, sometimes, that what we have isn’t new. You’ve been my friend for my entire adult life—longer, even.” I chuckled.
“We have been friends a long time. But I wasn’t always there for you when I should’ve been. After Andrew left,” I began, but she cut me off.
“When Andrew kicked me and Olivia out of our home, it was you and your brothers who did the heavy lifting for me. You even stocked my fridge, so I wouldn’t have to go shopping or worry about food while we were getting settled.”
“I left you alone after that.”
“Yes, you did. It sounds like you left Andrew alone, too.” She pressed my fingers closed over the ring and sighed heavily. “I’m not asking you to relocate blame for my behavior, Tuck. I’m trying to tell you, that even though I’ve blown every opportunity to settle into a great relationship with you, that I’d like you to consider giving it another chance.”
She clasped her hands in her lap again, and we sat in silence for a minute or two. I tucked the ring away in the safety of my jeans and put my arm around her, letting her collapse into my side and lay her head on my shoulder.
“I think I could give it a little attention, sure.” She sniffed, and I rubbed my hand over her arm, pulling her in closer.
“If you decide you want to attempt life with a screwed-up thing like me, I want to wear that ring. I won’t accept a substitute. If it’s just not what you want anymore, then I will take it back and put it back on my necklace, until Olivia is ready for it.”
“Or you get married to someone else.” She leaned away from me and I looked down into her eyes.
“That’s just it, Tucker. I won’t take a chance on anyone else. I don’t want to go through the mating ritual of dating and lying about myself until someone likes me, hoping I can still like them when I find them out. I already know you, and no one else will measure up. Living or dead.” She hugged her knees to her chest, and rubbed her upper arms.
“It’s getting chilly. Let’s get the horses stabled, and have a beer by the fire with the family.” I suggested, as I piled food back into the basket. She dumped the glasses of wine, and folded the blanket. I watched her, calm and resigned, and my chest unclenched a little, giving my heart room to beat a little harder, and faster. I felt the ring press against my thigh through my pocket as I moved about. The small circular shape seemed to hold a mountain of promise and hope for a future and the family I now knew I could still have.
28. Libby
I had asked Tucker to marry me. Well, almost asked him. I was too traditional and too big a coward to just come out and ask. But he hadn’t thrown my mother’s ring back in my face, and he’d been kind and affectionate when Olivia had joined us by the big outdoor fireplace. We’d sat and listened to her young chatter about the horses, and the new trick she and her new aunt Kristy had taught Kennedy the puppy. Every time I glanced over at him, he was staring at her, as enraptured as if she was his own child, completely entranced by her brilliance and charm.
We went to bed in separate rooms, or at least Tucker went to his room alone. I tucked Olivia into the queen bed alongside me and held her while she slept, my chin pressed to the top of her soft curly hair, her little back against my chest.
The sun wasn’t quite up when the sounds of men gathering for breakfast woke me. Olivia was horizontal under the covers, one ankle over my chest, the other foot inches from my face. I extricated myself from the bed and looked for Tucker, or Kristy, to watch over her for a few minutes so I could take a quick shower. Kristy was still in bed, and happily agreed to move to my room while I got ready for the day. She looked better than I’d ever seen her, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was possible for her to heal from the damage her husband and his mother had done to her more quickly, simply because he’d died before he could do too much damage.
When I was clean, dressed, and my hair dried and braided, Olivia was up and dressed, thanks to Kristy’s help. We all went down to breakfast together, a united female front among all those rough, work-hardened men, and I was grateful to see them give care to the fact that Olivia was there. I mentioned it to Rachel, Danny’s pretty wife, and she chuckled, agreeing that they were behaving better than they usually did.
“We’ll call it practice, for when the baby comes,” she scoffed, as the guys closest to us glanced up and looked away.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and reached up to place mine over Tucker’s, before he sat down next to me, making faces at Olivia across the table, where she’d chosen to sit with Kristy instead of with me. I felt a stab of jealousy watching them so happy and affectionate with each other. Tucker noticed, I was sure, because he put his hand on my knee and looked at me sideways.
“Don’t look at me like that; it’s been just the two of us for a long time.” I whispered.
“I think you do a great job at letting O have people in her life to support her. I hope you let them support you too.”
“Right now, Kristy needs my help more than I need hers. But yes, I’m trying. I asked if she wanted to work for me.” I smiled at his shock.
“You have a business now? Where have I been?”
“I don’t have a business yet. But thanks to Paul and Kristy, I put together a business plan. Just waiting on our court case to be done before I start talking to bankers. You know how it is.” He slid his thumb over my leg absently, oblivious to the effect his touch had on my body.
The laughter was raucous down at the far end of the table as the men fought over food like a pack of wolves fore they set out for the day. Tucker was in work clothes too, and I knew that if I wanted to find him, I’d have to go back out to the fences. Part of me was disappointed. I would’ve loved to spend more time with him, and explore his family’s land, away from the business of life and all the worries that made me so defensive.
I watched him redden and tried to pay attention to the teasing coming from his brother, but as soon as I looked at him, he stopped speaking and tucked into his breakfast, a wide grin on his face. Tucker sighed and squeezed my thigh.
“Sorry about that,” he muttered, leaning closer to me.
“I didn’t hear him, but if he was suggesting you take me out in the woods and have your way with me, then it just means I accidentally telegraphed my thoughts into his head.” Tucker laughed and his hand moved a little farther up my thigh, warming me at my core and stoking my desire for him.
“How about a compromise?” He asked. “I’ll help the guys finish those fence repairs so Danny doesn’t try to do it on his ankle brace, and then you and I can go out for a sunset ride.”
“I’d like that.” I looked across the table, and Kristy caught my eye and winked. I felt the blush creeping up my neck, and focused on getting Olivia to finish her breakfast, even though she was out of “Mom’s reach.” Even so, when Tucker put his hat back on and stood up from the table, I felt the cool creep over my leg where he’d been touching me like an ache. I watched him go, not caring what anyone thought. Before he disappeared through the garden, he looked back and tipped his hat, and my heart bumped and sped up, m
aking me smile.
Breakfast was wrapping up, and I asked if Kristy would stay with Olivia while I helped Patty in the kitchen, when Hannah, Tucker’s mother, asked if she could take the girls for a ride. I was happy to stay behind and help Patty with clean up before spending time with Rachel, who couldn’t ride while she was pregnant. I gave Olivia permission to go, if she promised to behave herself and learn one new thing about horses to share with me when she got back.
Kristy and Olivia raced into the house to get light jackets and boots on, and I starting stacking plates on the cart that old Jake rolled up alongside the table. I was halfway through cleanup when my phone rang and I picked up to find Shaunte, panicked and upset, on the other end.
She told me that a man had been spotted looking in my windows, and that she wanted to make sure I had really left, and wasn’t possibly being held hostage. I assured her that I’d come straight to her place, and talk to the management and the police. My first thought was my neighbor, Sam, who Tucker had tangled with. If it was him poking around my house, I didn’t want to show up without backup.
Kristy and Olivia had already taken off form the stables with Mrs. Lancaster when I ran out there, but Pete promised to give them the message that I’d left, and do the same for Tucker when he saw him. Rachel talked me out of packing and taking my things, since I was coming back anyway, and suggested that no matter who had been there, I needed to be on the ranch, where I was safe and untouchable.
I promised to call and let them know what was going on, and asked her to make sure Tucker, who might be the last to find out, had all the information, including where I was going, so he wouldn’t worry if I wasn’t back before he got back to the house.
I felt better about the fact that I was leaving Olivia behind with Tucker’s family. Kristy was sweet, and loveable, and she cooked, and I knew she’d never hurt a soul. But she’s also just come out of a psychological evaluation and was still in therapy for her attempted suicide. With Carl harassing her, I was worried that she might have a bad moment and hurt herself again. While I wanted to see her move on form the Peele family legacy of abuse, I couldn’t leave my baby with her, all alone.