“Why is it so hard to look at me, Ava? Are you still that angry at me?” he asked in a gentle voice. “Am I still unforgiven?”
She looked at him, her hazel eyes brimming with emotion. She slammed her palm down on the counter. Her graceful hands were shaking. “Why? Because the last time the two of us were alone together you kissed me. And the very next day you were packing for Africa, as if you couldn’t wait to get as far away from me as humanly possible. And for the past year I’ve been blaming myself for my kids losing yet another person they love.”
* * *
Did she really just bring up that ill-fated kiss? That sweet, tender kiss he’d been trying to forget for a whole year?
Although the kiss had been at the forefront of his mind ever since he’d left for Africa, he’d never expected Ava to mention it. It was a sore subject for him. He felt as if he’d crossed a line by kissing her, and he’d been second-guessing himself ever since. For so long now he’d thought of her as Billy’s wife, as far out of reach as a constellation in the sky. His feelings had always been under the radar until that life-altering moment when he’d acted on impulse and pressed his lips against hers. And because she’d still been knee-deep in mourning, he’d never wanted Ava to think he was trying to take advantage of a grief-stricken widow. Their twenty-five-year friendship meant too much to him to risk losing.
“That kiss was impulsive,” he admitted, choosing his words carefully. “We’d been spending so much time together, day in, day out. We were both grieving for Billy.” He shrugged. “It should never have happened.”
“Was it why you left?” she asked. Her eyes were beseeching him to be straight with her. “Please, be honest with me. I feel like everything shifted between us after that night. And then you were gone. I lost my best friend.” There was so much vulnerability in her voice. It made him want to reach out to her, to put his arms around her and shelter her from all her doubts. But he couldn’t do that, no matter how much he wanted to hold her. There were still too many things he’d never come clean about.
“No, Ava. It wasn’t the reason I left. The mission in Sierra Leone was a lot more important than a random kiss. Please don’t blame yourself.” As far as the truth was concerned, he hadn’t told her any lies. The kiss hadn’t been the sole reason he’d accepted the Africa assignment. There had been other factors, things he didn’t want to lay at her feet. He knew he was minimizing the kiss, but he couldn’t admit to Ava what it had meant to him. If he did, nothing between them would ever be the same. The last thing he wanted to do was complicate her life, to make her grieving process any more difficult. As it was, their friendship seemed to be hanging on by a thread.
“And for the record, you could never lose me. Not in a million years.” He felt a warmth spreading in his chest as his own sentiments rolled over him. She meant the world to him. How could she not know that? Had his overseas mission caused her to doubt what they’d always meant to each other? Ava’s face tensed up for a second, and then she seemed to relax. He watched as she let out a deep sigh.
Dear Lord, forgive me for bending the truth about the kiss. The last thing I want to do is hurt Ava, to put her on the spot by telling her that after our kiss I needed to get as far away from her as possible. Because the truth is I was starting to fall head over heels for my cousin’s widow, and I couldn’t handle the guilt. So I did the only thing that made sense at the time. I put a world of distance between us.
He’d learned a year ago that pushing for something more with Ava was unfair. His feelings for her had always been deep and powerful, ever since they were kids. Although they’d been best buddies growing up, deep down he’d always felt something special between them. When he’d left Cape Cod to attend the Coast Guard Academy and she’d started dating Billy, it had been a harsh blow to recover from. He’d kept quiet, though, never letting Ava know he was hurt and jealous. In his mind she would forever be the one who’d gotten away. Many times he’d asked God to grant him the grace to accept that Ava had chosen Billy as her life partner. Many times he’d knelt before God and prayed for his feelings to disappear. And for many years he’d believed that what he felt for Ava was buried so deep down that no one ever suspected a thing. Until that terrible night when Billy had called him out and accused him of wanting Ava for himself. Until tragedy had altered all of their lives.
“So, we’re good?” Ava asked, a slight frown furrowing her brow.
He reached across the butcher block counter and reached for her hand. Her hand was soft and supple, radiating warmth. It felt so good to be touching her, connecting with her. He couldn’t even put into words how much he’d missed her. “We’re good,” he said with a nod. “Better than good.”
The noisy clatter of the children heralded their arrival in the kitchen. Sawyer quickly pulled his hand away, and Ava placed her hands on the counter. “Three minutes to dinner,” she announced in a breathy voice. “Why don’t the two of you head to the sink and wash up?”
Dolly looked up at him. “Don’t you have to get washed up, too? Kids aren’t the only ones with germy hands.”
Sawyer let loose with a hearty chuckle. He’d missed the twins’ blunt outlook on life. He’d missed being able to laugh out loud. There hadn’t been much to laugh about in Sierra Leone, although he’d bonded with the local children and learned a lot about their culture. Although a coast guard presence in the region had been crucial, it had been a personal hardship to be over there for such a long time.
“I won’t give you any argument about that, Miss Dolly,” he answered. “Ladies first.” He bent over and waved his hand in the air as if she were royalty. Dolly raced by him toward the kitchen sink, followed closely by Casey. He joined them, passing by their refrigerator decorated with artwork and family photos. A heart-shaped magnet said God Bless This Home. When he spotted a photo of himself standing next to Billy, both of them holding a twin in their arms, he found himself getting choked up. He remembered the moment vividly. It was the day of their baptism, and as honorary uncle to both of the twins, he’d proudly posed for a picture with his cousin.
“If anything happens to me, I want you to watch over Casey and Dolly. You’re the closest thing to a brother I have, and I want my kids to know you as Uncle Sawyer.” Billy’s words came flooding back to him. Guilt seized him by the throat. He’d let Billy down. He hadn’t watched over the twins. Not for the past year anyway. He’d been too busy running away—from his feelings, from his guilt, from his pain, from that unforgettable kiss. The memory of Billy’s words had been part of the reason he’d come back earlier than planned. He had a responsibility to the twins, not only as their honorary uncle, but because of the heartfelt wish Billy had expressed to him on that day.
And no matter what happened from this point forward, he was going to uphold his promise, even though it would place him in direct contact with Ava.
* * *
As they settled in around the dinner table, Ava had to admit to herself that she felt happier than she had in quite some time. Seeing the kids so overjoyed about Sawyer’s return made her feel grateful. And if she was being honest, she had to admit she felt some stirrings within her own soul. For so long now she’d felt a little frozen, as if nothing could penetrate the shield she’d placed around her heart. Even though she was a bit embarrassed about lashing out at Sawyer, at least she’d felt a strong emotion. At least she’d felt something other than numbness. For the first time in a long while, she felt alive.
No matter what issues stood between them, she was thankful Sawyer had made it back safe and sound. From the little she knew about Sierra Leone, it was a dangerous place. Civil wars, violence and disease were an everyday part of life there. Although she knew the coast guard had important missions to conduct, she was relieved Sawyer would be out of the line of fire. The thought of losing another person she loved was too painful to even consider. She didn’t want to think about Sawyer being g
one from her world. Especially since he’d just come back to them.
“Who wants to say grace?” Sawyer asked. He looked around the table, going from one face to the next. The twins looked at each other with a baffled expression and shrugged their shoulders.
Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “We don’t always say grace,” she admitted. “We’ve gotten out of the habit.”
Sawyer looked taken aback for a moment, but he quickly recovered as he extended his hands to the twins, who were seated on either side of him. She reached out and clasped hands with Casey and Dolly so that they formed a circle of four. She bowed her head, hoping Sawyer would take the lead and say Grace. Although she knew the words by heart, she was afraid she would stumble over the blessing.
“Dear Lord,” Sawyer began in a strong, steady voice, “we offer thanks for this wonderful meal, lovingly prepared by Ava. We thank you for the abundant gifts you bestow on us each and every day. Thank you for watching over this family and for guiding me safely back home where I belong. Amen.”
“Amen,” she said in unison with the children. Hearing Sawyer’s blessing caused a warm heat to spread through her chest. It meant the world to her that she and the kids were in his thoughts and prayers. Somehow it made her feel safe and protected. It had been a long time since she’d felt that way.
They all dug into the stir-fry, enjoying a companionable silence as they ate. Having Sawyer sit down to a meal with her family seemed to be a big hit with the twins. Neither of them could take their eyes off him. He was the main attraction. It was amazing how quickly they’d taken him back into their hearts, considering the length of time he’d been away. There was no trace of Casey’s earlier resentment. Resilience. Kids were known for being able to bounce back, weren’t they? Sometimes she forgot that their little hearts were stronger than she could ever imagine.
“Uncle Sawyer,” Dolly said in a garbled voice. “Are you coming to the wedding?”
“Dolly, it might be more polite to talk without the food in your mouth,” Ava cautioned. Her daughter’s cheeks were stuffed to the brim, causing her to resemble a squirrel storing acorns.
Dolly’s eyes got big, and she made a dramatic effort at swallowing her food. She then reached for her glass of water and took a few sips. “Uncle Sawyer,” she repeated. “Are you coming to the wedding?”
Sawyer’s lips twitched with amusement. “Cousin Melanie’s wedding?” Dolly nodded her head enthusiastically. Growing up in a sea of boy cousins, Melanie had always occupied a special place in all of their hearts. Sawyer treated Dolly to a full-fledged smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, even though I just heard about it yesterday.” He frowned. “Who’s this guy she’s fallen so madly in love with?”
“His name is Doug, and he’s awesome,” Casey raved, his brown eyes glittering with excitement. “He’s got a motorcycle and everything.”
“I get to be a flower girl,” Dolly shouted. “And I have a pretty new dress to wear.”
Casey stuck his lip out. “And I get to be the ring boy.”
Dolly snorted with laughter and covered her mouth with her hand. “It’s ring bearer, Casey,” she sputtered. Casey shot her a dirty look and jabbed her in the side. Dolly retaliated, beginning a back-and-forth war that threatened to get out of control. Ava wondered if her face betrayed her exasperation. Lately, more times than not, Casey and Dolly couldn’t get through a meal without invading each other’s personal space and getting on one another’s nerves, as well as her own.
“Who wants to hear a story about your mom when she was around your age?” Sawyer asked smoothly, diverting the kids’ attention from their squabble. Casey and Dolly jumped on the opportunity, and, in the process, forgot all about their feud. Ava was slightly in awe. Sawyer had serious skills. He’d thrown the question out there like a perfectly aimed pitch. The kids had never even seen it coming. They were sitting quietly, waiting expectantly for the story to begin.
“Well, when I moved to Buzzards Bay, I didn’t have a single friend in my class.” He looked back and forth between the twins. “Rough, huh?”
“Not a single one?” Dolly asked, her eyes wide with concern. “What about my daddy?”
He shook his head. “Nope. Your dad was a few grades above me, so I was pretty much on my own.”
“I would have been your friend,” Casey piped up, shooting Sawyer a doting smile.
Sawyer reached out and patted Casey on the shoulder. “I’m sure you would have.”
Even though Ava knew what was coming next, she found herself listening to Sawyer with rapt attention. It was entertaining to see the expectant looks on the children’s faces and to hear the details of their first meeting roll off Sawyer’s tongue like quicksilver.
“On the first day of school I forgot my lunch at home,” Sawyer continued. He wiggled his eyebrows dramatically. “Can you imagine? There I was, in the lunchroom with no one to sit with and no homemade lunch to dig into. I didn’t even have a juice box.”
Casey and Dolly turned toward each other, their eyes as wide as saucers. In their lives, juice boxes were as routine as the sun rising in the morning.
“I looked all around the cafeteria until I found the perfect lunch table to sit at. Problem was, everyone else was eating their lunches. I was so embarrassed I could barely lift my head up to make eye contact as I slid onto the bench. For a few minutes I just sat there, wishing I could disappear. All of a sudden this little hand reached across the table and handed me half of her sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly never tasted quite so good.”
“Was that you, Mama?” Dolly asked, her eyes full of wonder.
“Yep. It was me,” Ava acknowledged. “And I also gave him a cookie and half of my pretzels.”
The poignant memory washed over her like a light rain, and for a moment she was transported back in time to Buzzards Bay Elementary and sitting across the lunch table from a pint-size Sawyer. The grateful smile he’d given her after she’d offered him the sandwich had quickly wormed its way straight into her heart. And he’d been there ever since, engraved there like a permanent tattoo.
Sawyer winked at her, almost as if he could read her mind. “And from that moment on we were best friends. We did everything together...we built forts in the woods, swam out to the buoys at Kalmus Beach, had water balloon fights, took ferry rides over to Woods Hole.”
“We keep asking to take a boat ride in one of the boats by the harbor, but Mommy says we can’t,” Casey added, casting an unhappy look in her direction. “She thinks something might happen to us.” His eyes were hot with displeasure and a hint of rebelliousness.
Ava felt the heat of Sawyer’s gaze, but she didn’t look over at him. As a man who made his living by enforcing maritime law, he might find it difficult to understand her fears. For Sawyer, being out on the water was as natural as breathing. Casey was right. The thought of her kids being out on the water scared her to death. Some might call it an irrational fear, but it was rooted in that awful night two years ago when her husband hadn’t come home.
“Why don’t the two of you clear the table and feed Tully?” Ava asked. “Then I’ll slice up some apple pie for dessert.” The mention of dessert sweetened the deal, causing the kids to quickly get up from their seats and begin clearing the dinner plates.
“It’ll be nice to have all the family together to celebrate a happy occasion,” Ava said as soon as the kids were out of earshot. “Too many times we’ve gathered for sad ones.” Truthfully, she had mixed feelings about attending a wedding in the same church where she’d married Billy. It would dredge up a lot of bittersweet memories, she realized. She felt a stab of guilt as she remembered all the times she’d seen happily-in-love couples over the past two years. Whether they were holding hands on the beach or grocery shopping at the market, she’d envied them their bliss. It had been that way between Billy and her, hadn’t it? Before
all the drinking and the stormy fights, the recriminations and the promises. Hadn’t people looked at them and thought how blessed they were to have found each other? Hadn’t she once believed they were golden?
“You’re right,” Sawyer said with a nod. “Our families have had our fair share of loss. It’s been a rough couple of years.” He crinkled his nose. “Even so, I’m a firm believer that we’re always surrounded by blessings. Sometimes we just have to look closely to find them.”
Blessings. Sawyer was right. Despite everything, there was so much in her life to be thankful about. The twins. Her home by the sea. Her family. Sawyer. “How do you do it?” she asked with a grateful sigh. “You always manage to put things into such beautiful perspective.”
He shrugged, his expression thoughtful. “I just spent a year watching kids kick empty soda cans around instead of soccer balls. And guess what? They were joyful about it. Amid poverty and destruction, those kids were able to see the good things in their world.”
The soft shuffling of little feet and the noisy squeak of a floorboard heralded the arrival of the twins. Casey stood a few feet away from the table, a huge grin almost overtaking his small, round face. Dolly stood two steps behind him, none too subtly nudging him forward and whispering in his ear. Sawyer beckoned them closer with a wave of his hand. “Come on. I can see the two of you have something to say.”
“Dolly and I thought maybe we could visit you at the Coast Guard Station one day. We promise to be on our best behavior.” The worshipful expression in Casey’s eyes as he looked up at Sawyer caused her to suck in a shallow breath. The raw need in his voice almost knocked the wind out of her. It sneaked up on her during quiet moments like this when she saw the hopes and dreams of her children put on full display. Her son so needed a father figure in his life, someone who could keep up with his rough-and-tumble ways. Someone he could model himself after. Gratitude toward Sawyer for being here with them flooded through her.
Forever Her Hero Page 3