* * *
“Try to breathe, Ava. You can do it. Come on.” Over and over again he repeated the words as he watched her struggle to calm herself. He’d witnessed her mad dash across the beach, and he’d headed Colby off at the pass as he followed after her. Taking matters into his own hands, he’d run after her down by the water, concerned by her jerky body movements and sudden departure from the festivities.
It was painful to see her like this. She was on her knees in the sand. Her skin had paled and her eyes were wide with panic. Her breathing was erratic and choppy. He began massaging her back between her shoulder blades, trying to comfort her in any way he could. He’d seen panic attacks before, and he was fairly certain Ava was experiencing one. Although her life wasn’t in jeopardy, he knew people felt as if they were dying while they were in the midst of one. Words of comfort flowed from his mouth like quicksilver and he saw her gradually calming herself. He watched as she sucked in air. Her breathing was slowing down and returning to normal. Her chest wasn’t heaving as dramatically as it had been.
She took a deep breath. “Thanks. I feel like such an idiot,” she said in a shaky voice. “When did I become so weak?”
“You’re not an idiot. And you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.” He ran his hands up and down her arms in a soothing gesture. “It seemed like you were having a panic attack. Has this happened before?”
“A few times,” she admitted, her face reddening. “Never quite as bad as this one. That was scary.”
He frowned at Ava, not quite understanding what had transpired while he was gone. “You were fine when I left you to get the sodas. What happened?”
Her jaw trembled, and she studied him with a wary expression. “Sometimes I get anxious about things.... It happens when I feel overwhelmed.”
She hesitated, biting her lip and looking up at him with her soft hazel eyes. “Please don’t be mad at Colby. He slipped and told me you were near death in Africa.”
Her eyes welled up and she squeezed them shut. She swiped away the moisture from her cheeks. “I’m so sorry you went through it all alone.”
He clenched down on his teeth as he battled against a rising tide of anger. “Colby should have kept his mouth shut. It wasn’t his story to tell. Not to mention he’s upset you.”
“His heart was in the right place. He was telling me how happy he is you’re back in town. He made a comment about almost losing you, and I kept pressing him about it.”
Sawyer groaned. “I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. Not you. Or my parents. Or Daniel.” He grimaced. “After everything this family has been through in the past few years...I didn’t want to lay this at your feet.”
“There are some things you can’t protect us from. It’s called life.” She reached out and grazed her fingers across his forehead. “You’ve got an angry look in your eye, Sawyer Trask. And this furrow in your brow...I don’t like it. It means you’re holding on to anger. Take it from me. You don’t want to do that.”
“No, I don’t want that. For either one of us. I don’t ever want to be consumed by such a negative emotion.” On impulse, he reached out and caressed her cheek. Her eyes widened, and she was gazing up at him with such a look of longing. It mirrored everything he was feeling for her, all the emotions he’d kept bottled up inside. He dipped his head down and captured her lips in a tender, emotional kiss. As he brushed his lips over hers, he felt hope flare within him. After so many years of running away from his feelings, it felt nice to wear his heart on his sleeve. Ava leaned into the kiss, her lips sweet and warm against his.
He swept his fingers down the graceful slope of her neck, making his touch as light as a feather. As the kiss ended Ava let out a soft sigh. As they drew apart, their gazes locked, and he noticed her eyes glistening. Her face was slightly flushed. With the moonlight as her backdrop, she was simply beautiful.
“You’re not going to disappear now, are you?” Her voice held a hint of mischief.
He felt a huge grin cross his face. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
She began fiddling with her fingers. He could see the telltale signs of worry on her face—the tiny crease on her brow and the wariness in her eyes.
“I’m not going anywhere. Really. Truly.” He softened his voice, wanting it to sound like a caress. “I’m at my best when I’m home in Buzzards Bay.”
“That’s good,” she said with a shy grin. “Because I kind of like having you around. And the thought of something bad happening to you...of nearly losing you—it hurts.” His heart pinged inside his chest. It was the first time Ava had put her feelings into words. Although he’d felt something shifting between them, experience had taught him not to dream of anything more than friendship. But this kiss, this tender moment, held the promise of a new day.
Despite his uncle’s opposition and his own reservations, he wanted to be with Ava. He wanted to hold her hand and take her for picnics in the park. He wanted to sit on the beach with her and watch the sunrise as it crept over the horizon. There were so many possibilities they could explore together.
Being without her was no longer an option.
And as fireworks lit up the obsidian sky, he reached out and clasped Ava’s hand, buoyed by the way she squeezed his own in return. The way she was smiling at him, that tender, enraptured look on her face, made him feel ten feet tall.
They stood side by side, arms touching, hands joined together. The weight of the moment had them both enthralled. There was only one thing standing in the way of it being sheer perfection. Somehow he needed to find a way to tell Ava the truth about the night Billy died, because the longer he waited, the bigger the risk he faced of losing her forever.
Chapter Eleven
The following morning Ava found herself replaying the events of the previous evening over and over again in her mind.
Finding out about Sawyer’s brush with death in Africa had been a shock. At least now she understood what he’d been trying to tell her the other day at the fair. He’d wanted to come clean with her about nearly dying from cholera.
Despite her panic attack and the news about Sawyer, she’d had an enjoyable time at the party. Dancing. Fireworks. Friends. That fantastic kiss! Just the thought of it caused her lips to tingle, and she lightly brushed her fingertips against them. If she closed her eyes it would be easy to transport herself back to that moment when they’d kissed on the beach.
“Get your head out of the clouds,” she murmured, willing herself to stop thinking about Sawyer. It was a task easier said than done, considering she had a clear view of his lighthouse from where she was standing on the lawn. So far it was shaping up to be a hot and hazy Cape Cod day. The forecast was calling for blue skies, with the July temperature rising into the mid-eighties by noontime. At the moment she was trying to wrangle a frisky puppy into a pail of suds. It was high time Tully had himself a proper bath, she’d decided. Casey and Dolly were supposed to be helping her, but they’d bailed the moment they spotted Sawyer walking down on the beach. “Tully! Behave yourself,” she muttered. Tully was wiggling around in the bucket, sloshing the water over the sides in his attempt to break free. She let out a groan as the dirty water splashed onto her white cotton shirt. Determined to finish the job, she held the puppy with one hand while she lathered him up with the other. She then turned the hose on him, gently spraying him with warm water. A few minutes later she was toweling him dry, marveling at how nice he smelled.
“Aren’t you the pretty boy?” she cooed as Tully shot her a miffed look. He then shook his body with all his might, water flying in her direction. She let out a surprised cry, sending Tully scampering off into the house. Loud, high-pitched cries heralded the arrival of the twins, who raced toward her at full speed. They were practically stumbling over each other in an effort to be the first one to reach her side.
“Mom! Mom! Sawyer wants to take us out on the water. Can we?” Casey asked.
“He says we can ride around the harbor,” Dolly added. “Please say yes.”
“Not today,” she answered in a brisk tone. Not any day, she really wanted to say. She busied herself by picking up the pail of dirty water and overturning it into a bed of mulch. When she was finished she wiped her hands on her shorts and walked inside the house.
The twins trailed behind her, their voices intermingled as they continued to beg her to go out on Sawyer’s boat. Abruptly, she turned toward them, her voice sharp as she said, “No means no, guys. I’ve heard what you had to say and I’ve given you an answer.”
All of sudden Sawyer was standing in her kitchen, his brow furrowed as he looked back and forth between her and the children. “What’s going on?”
“She said we can’t go out on your boat,” Casey wailed. His eyes were beginning to tear up.
“That’s the same thing she says when Doug wants to take us out on his fishing boat,” Dolly said in a defiant tone. “It’s always a big fat no.”
“It’s not a long trip, if that makes any difference,” Sawyer explained. “Just to Woods Hole and back. Shouldn’t be more than a couple hours.”
“No!” she cried out. “I don’t want them out on the water. It’s not safe.”
Panic seized her at the thought of her babies being out at sea. They were so little and defenseless. If something were to go wrong with the boat, how would they manage to survive?
“They’ll be fine with me, Ava,” Sawyer responded in an even tone. “The water is as smooth as glass today. There’s nothing to worry about. I promise not to take my eyes off them.”
Ava bristled. She knew he was trying to pacify her, and it only served to annoy her more. They were her children! She was a single mother now, and it was her job to keep them safe. Protected from unsafe waters and leaky boats. Safe from choppy seas and unexpected squalls.
“Please, Mom. Can we?” Casey begged. “Uncle Sawyer will keep us safe.”
“I said no,” she repeated, her heart sinking at the defeated look in the twins’ eyes. On some level she knew that she was being irrational, but she couldn’t help it. Billy had drowned out on that water, and as much as she loved the ocean, she didn’t trust it. It was unthinkable that she would send her precious children out on the very waters where their father had died. She doubted that she ever would.
“Kids, go to your room.” Her tone was clipped and no-nonsense.
“But Mom,” Dolly whined. “Why can’t we stay here?”
All Ava had to do was shoot a look at Dolly, letting her know she wasn’t entertaining any arguments. The children scooted out of the room like two frightened rabbits. As soon as they were alone, Ava turned toward Sawyer. She could feel her legs shaking and a muscle twitching by her eye. She gritted her teeth and slowly counted to three. “There are certain things that are nonnegotiable. Taking the kids out on the water—that’s one of them.”
Her body was trembling with rage. She was in full mama-bear mode. The very idea of the kids going out to sea made her feel threatened. Hostile. Under attack.
Sawyer’s expression softened. “Ava, I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel disrespected. That wasn’t my intention. What happened to Billy isn’t going to happy to Casey and Dolly. It was a perfect storm of events that night. Impossible to predict and highly unlikely to ever happen again to anyone you know.” The rich, soothing timbre of his voice rang with conviction. But her fears were too deep-rooted to be swayed by Sawyer’s calm and reason.
She could already feel the panic setting in. Her chest felt tight. Her hands were clammy. Pretty soon her breathing was going to become ragged. Just the thought of that awful night—Billy not coming home, the call from the coast guard, learning from Sawyer that he’d identified him at the morgue. The one memory she’d blocked from her mind was the moment when she’d gathered the twins together to tell them about their father’s death. It had been nightmarish. And she never allowed herself to go to that dark place, that soul-stripping moment. Just the thought of it made her break out in a cold sweat. She held up her hand to stop him from talking.
“Stop trying to placate me. You have no idea how I feel, how frightening this is for me. How could you?”
A look of pain crossed his face. “I’m sorry for pushing. You know I’d never hurt you. And you’re right. In a million years I could never know how it feels to bury the person I love.”
“I lost Billy. I can’t lose the twins.” Her voice cracked as she confided her deepest, darkest fear. Ever since Billy’s death she’d been racked with fear over the possibility of losing Dolly and Casey. She felt moisture on her cheeks. “I won’t be responsible for another person’s death.” Her voice rang out stronger than she felt at the moment. It was her own private guilt and shame that she’d driven Billy out of the house the night he died.
Sawyer shook his head, confusion written all over his face. “What are you talking about, Ava?”
She hung her head, not wanting to see the look in his eyes when she told him the truth. Not a single soul other than her two sisters knew about the blistering argument she’d had with Billy the night he’d died. No one knew what a colossal failure she’d been as a wife.
“I blame myself for Billy’s death! If we hadn’t gotten into an argument that night, he wouldn’t have taken off the way he did. Whenever we fought that’s what he did. He would storm out of the house and head to the nearest bar or liquor store so he could drink. I knew that! I knew he didn’t like to be pushed into a corner. Don’t you get it? It’s my fault.”
He rushed toward her, pulling her into his arms without hesitation. At first she fought it, keeping her body ramrod straight. She lost all of her fight, burrowing into the warmth of Sawyer’s embrace. She let out a shudder and sobbed. It felt so good to be held by him, to be sheltered by strong, nurturing arms. For the first time in a long while she felt protected. Safe. And it had everything to do with the fact that it was Sawyer who was holding her.
“Shh, Ava. Shh,” he crooned as he rubbed her back in a comforting gesture. “Don’t ever say that. What would make you even think that? You were the most loving, giving wife to Billy. There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t have done for him.”
She pulled away from him, looking up at him so that she could look him in the eye. Sawyer’s eyes truly were the mirrors of his soul. There wasn’t anything he could hide once you looked in his eyes. It had always been that way with him. And she desperately wanted to see the truth there. “I wasn’t a good wife.”
“What?” Sawyer asked. His tone was sharp. He had a floored expression on his face. “Where is all this coming from?”
“I didn’t get him the help he needed.” She let out a harsh laugh. “Oh, I made threats. I made him sleep in the guest room. I even threatened to leave him a few times. But in the end, he always managed to charm his way out of it.” Tears were falling fast and furiously now, and she swiped them away, angry at herself for falling apart.
Sawyer frowned. His eyes darkened and his mouth was set in a firm line. “Billy had a serious problem. You can’t assume the blame for that. What about all the times he promised he’d get help? What about all the centers you looked into for him to get treatment?”
“No! Don’t say that—” she began. “I can’t go down that road, Sawyer. Please.” Her voice was shaky and her limbs had a bad case of tremors. “I’m sorry about the boat outing. I wish I was ready to let them go, but I’m not.”
Heat rose to her cheeks. She was mortified by her outburst. Two years later and she was still terrified by the idea of going out on the water. Having spent her childhood on sailboats, traveling on ferries to the Vineyard and enjoying leisurely excursions on her family’s boat, it was particularly painful to be in such limbo. Loving the ocean, yet terrified of its raw power. Sawyer
reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders, his touch gentle and grounding. All she wanted to do was burrow herself into his chest and find refuge from all her fears. Once again she’d let fear take over, and in the process denied her kids an outing.
“You don’t have to apologize. It’s my fault. I wasn’t thinking, Ava. I had no idea this was still an issue.”
“The thought of something happening to them frightens me.” Somehow she felt the need to explain what had just happened. “I know it’s not rational, but the idea of them being out on the water makes me break out into a cold sweat.”
“Of course it’s terrifying. It brings up some of the darkest moments of your life. I should have been more sensitive to that.” His voice broke. “Forgive me.”
She let out a shaky laugh. “Forgive you? You’ve done nothing wrong. Even now, you’re trying to do something nice for my children.” Her gaze settled on Sawyer’s strong, handsome face. He looked so wounded. His expression was so somber it caused her heart to painfully contract. She felt such tenderness toward him. Sweet, wonderful Sawyer.
She reached up and brushed a kiss across his cheekbone. Her eyes locked with his, she said, “And for the record, Sawyer, I could forgive you almost anything.”
* * *
“I wasn’t a good wife. I could forgive you almost anything.” The words rocketed through him like an explosion. An hour after he’d left Ava, he was still grappling with the aftershocks. He’d wanted to tell her everything in that very moment, but with the twins in the house he’d known it wasn’t the right time or place. It wouldn’t be fair to unload everything on Ava with the kids in the house to witness it. He wouldn’t hurt Casey or Dolly for the world. Or Ava.
Forever Her Hero Page 14