“You’re right, it would increase the excitement.” Caelius gave Gaidres a long look and wished they had not started talking of fighting and blood. “As the champion of my ludus, you know you will need to take part in that fight.”
“I am aware, Dominus.”
Caelius sighed in resignation, then set the topic aside before it ruined the peace he had found. Instead he turned his attention on a trio of young men with instruments who began to play a cheerful, energetic tune. “Those are Cassian’s sons.” He gestured to one of the men he had introduced to Gaidres earlier.
Helene approached with Faustus in her arms. “He’s just eaten, Dominus. I thought you would like to spend some time with him.” Caelius didn’t hesitate as he reached for his son.
He looked up and caught Gaidres watching with a wistful expression, his eyes soft. Caelius lifted a brow and glanced down at Faustus, then back up at Gaidres. “Would you like to hold him?”
Shock crossed Gaidres’s face, followed by unfeigned eagerness, but the gladiator hesitated as he reached out his hands to take Faustus. “You would trust me with your son, Dominus?”
He set Faustus in Gaidres’s arms, smiling as they closed protectively around the babe. “You are not a killer of children, Gaidres. In this or any other life. I have absolute trust in you when it comes to his safety.”
And truth be told, he trusted Gaidres with his own safety, even without his daily vow. But the vow was something Gaidres needed at the moment, to justify his reasons for not slaying a Roman. Gaidres was not a man who enjoyed death. He believed he had no other options. Caelius would have to find a way to show him that he did.
“Gratitude, Dominus.” Gaidres did not take his eyes from Faustus’s face. And in return the babe seemed just as interested, studying Gaidres with serious eyes and a knitted brow.
“In this, gratitude is not necessary. Faustus should get to know everyone here. He belongs to these people just as much as they belong to him.” Caelius reached over and brushed his fingers across Faustus’s brow. “The only way we can change attitudes is by setting an example and starting young.”
Gaidres glanced away from the boy, arching a brow at Caelius. “You do not really think the Republic will ever change?”
Caelius smiled ruefully and shrugged. “Maybe not. But my part of it can be different.”
Gaidres shook his head as if to say he was a fool, but then one finger brushed Faustus’s little fist and he found that digit caught in a grip that had surprised Caelius in the past with its strength. Gaidres seemed to push aside whatever dark thoughts were in his mind and instead focused on the tiny person in his arms. Faustus was small, even for a babe, but there was vitality in the way he squirmed and intelligence in his dark eyes.
Gaidres looked up at Caelius. “I do not require a separate chamber, Dominus.”
Caelius stilled, then his lips edged up. “Good. I am glad.”
Warmth lit Gaidres’s eyes, and then his gladiator turned his attention back to the child in his arms. It made his heart ache to see those rough hands cradle his son and he decided that as long as Gaidres wanted to hold Faustus that he would let him. It had probably been years since the man had let down his guard so. It would be good for him.
Demetrius signaled for his attention and Caelius rose, murmuring to Gaidres. “I’ll return in a moment.” Gaidres nodded, talking to Faustus.
“Dominus, I had taken the liberty of arranging some young men and entertainment for tomorrow night.” Demetrius cleared his throat. “Did you wish to have your usual friends from town come or do you want it to be a private evening?”
Caelius blinked and found to his surprise that he had not thought of having one of his hedonistic gatherings in months. He glanced back at Gaidres and found curious blue eyes staring back at him. Even when he’d had lovers in the past, he’d still had those gatherings, where everything could and did happen. And now…now he found that he had no interest in one at all. No matter how beautiful the men that Demetrius had found.
He had not realized he had changed so much. “Entertainment will not be necessary while I am home, Demetrius. I think I will prefer quieter evenings. At least for now.” Surprise crossed Demetrius’s face, but before he could question further, Caelius turned to go back to Gaidres and his son, knowing that his old aide was watching him.
Gaidres frowned as he sat beside him. “Is all well, Dominus?”
“All is more than well, Gaidres. It’s perfect.”
Chapter Twelve
Caelius paced along the cliffs, letting the breeze off the sea soothe his throbbing temples. The funeral procession had been a long affair, made all the more distressing by the greed of Valeriana’s family. They seemed to have little care that she was gone. Their main concern had been whether or not Caelius would sever ties with them, making them lose access to his wealth.
He glanced down at the sleeping babe in his arms. “My sweet boy. I promise you I will not let them poison you the way they did your mother. You will have only good thoughts of her. I will make sure of it.”
It disturbed him more than he could say that they could be so callous on this day of all days. But Valeriana was well and gone now, if not Caelius’s lingering guilt, and he’d think about what to do about her family on another day. At least Gaidres had seemed to pick up on his distress earlier. His expression had become more and more forbidding as Valeriana’s family had approached him one by one, until they ceased coming altogether after one look at his gladiator’s face.
He needed to stop dreaming. Even if, gods willing, he was able to find a way to soothe Gaidres’s hurt enough that he stopped seeking death, he’d never win Gaidres’s heart.
He had thought he would give Gaidres some peace from his presence, and since he knew that Felix wouldn’t allow him to bury himself in his work today of all days he had gone to pace the cliffs to think. He had a rare moment of time on his hands and this was the best way he knew to soothe his thoughts.
“One day all of this will be yours, Faustus. This is a true home.”
Caelius looked around, noting all the small details that separated this place from his uncle’s. The bright splashes of color from pots of fall flowers, the song of the sea in the background and the warm light spilling across the paved stones he’d played on as a child. Faustus stirred in his arms, chirping a greeting as he blinked his eyes open and turned his little face away from the breeze. He brushed his lips over the babe’s forehead. He had missed him all day and holding him now eased his spirit even more than the walk.
“I was beginning to think you’d never wake.” He nuzzled his nose against Faustus’s soft cheek.
The scrape of a sandal on the ground caught his attention and his heart picked up. He no longer wondered how he always knew it was his gladiator and not someone else. Caelius turned, watching as Gaidres’s steps slowed when he spotted Caelius walking with Faustus cradled in his arms. The concerned expression on Gaidres’s face made his heart warm. His lover glanced around, but no one else was about and after a moment’s consideration, Gaidres approached.
“Dominus?”
“I thought after the fiasco of the funeral, you would prefer to be left alone.” Caelius moved forward to meet him.
Gaidres cocked his head. “Would you prefer it?”
Caelius shook his head and shifted Faustus in his arms so the little one could look about. He was a curious babe, always trying to turn his head whenever he heard a new voice. “No, I think I have done enough brooding for one day.”
Gaidres stepped closer and Caelius smiled as the man reached to brush his fingers over Faustus’s cheek. Gaidres would have been a good father if he had been given the chance.
Gaidres’s eyes flicked to Caelius’s face, studying him. “I am sorry, Dominus, I did not realize your grief ran so deep.”
“In truth, it does not.” Caelius sighed and shook his head, trying to find the words to explain it. “And that is what bothers me. I know it sounds strange. Many marriages are no
t based on love and ours certainly wasn’t. And it is not even so much the guilt. That I’ll get over. It just seems a great tragedy that someone can pass and leave nothing behind. No true ties or friendships, no one to mourn their passing.”
“She left you a healthy son, and I know you will raise him to know the good qualities of his mother and not the bad. So in a way, she will be mourned.”
“Faustus is the greatest gift that I have ever been given.” Caelius brushed his fingers over the babe’s wisps of hair. “I hope one day, when I pass, that people will remember me well and not badly.”
He longed to touch Gaidres, to reach out and pull him close for a kiss, but the balance between them was so fragile, even after another night in each others’ arms. He grimaced at Gaidres. “I’m being self-pitying, aren’t I?”
A smile tugged at Gaidres’s lips, almost as if he couldn’t help it. “You are.” A thought seemed to occur to him, and after a moment’s hesitation Gaidres gestured toward the villa. “Come with me.”
Caelius lifted his brow. “Where?”
Gaidres shook his head. “Just come.” Caelius let Gaidres take the lead, following him with curiosity. Gaidres led him through the villa, glancing over at Faustus and chuckling. Caelius looked down to see his son staring around with wide eyes and his little mouth in an O that made him look forever surprised.
“Though he had an inauspicious start in life, I do not think you need worry he will be hampered in any way. There is intelligence in his eyes.” He gestured to the babe. “See how he watches? He knows.”
“That he does.” Caelius made no attempt to disguise the pride in his voice.
Gaidres followed the sound of laughter and childish shrieks, finally emerging on the opposite side of the villa, farthest from the cliffs, to find several of the women and a herd of children from barely toddling up to about eleven summers. Gaidres took in the sight with satisfaction and glanced at Caelius. “I find it impossible to be maudlin in the presence of so much life.”
Caelius chuckled as all eyes turned toward them. He waved to the women as they started to rise, to let them know there was no need. “Don’t let us disturb you.” The children took him to his word and went back to their game that appeared to have no rules other than much running about and laughing.
He sat on an empty bench and gestured for Gaidres to join him. Gaidres’s advice was sound and perhaps this time would help soothe the gladiator, as well. He ached with the need to give the man some small measure of comfort, to love all that anger away. “Please, sit with me.”
Caelius shifted Faustus again, leaning him back against his chest so he could watch the riotous play.
Gaidres straightened as one of the older boys approached him, a curious light gleaming in his eyes.
Caelius greeted the boy. “I almost did not recognize you, Nikon. You’ve grown.”
“Everybody says that.” Nikon shrugged and turned to Gaidres. “Did you run into any bad men on the way? Did you have to fight them off?”
Gaidres’s lips twitched and he shook his head. “No, no bad men.”
Nikon didn’t seem bothered by that. “I bet you could have fought them off, though. Couldn’t you?” His eyes fell on Gaidres’s sword sheathed at his side. “With your sword?”
“I could have. I am glad I didn’t have to, though.”
The boy, who couldn’t be more than six or seven years old, peered up at him with narrowed, assessing eyes. “You’re not afraid, are you?”
Gaidres laughed. “Not afraid, no. But a battle you don’t have to fight is one you’ve already won.”
Nikon appeared to consider that, then shrugged and eyed the sword again. “My father says when I am grown I can have a sword.” He wrinkled his face in annoyance. “But that’s too far away. Have you killed lots of bad men? Tell us!” Gaidres looked up and realized the other boys had gathered, emboldened by Nikon’s approach.
“I’ve had to kill before in defense of my own life or others.” Gaidres supported Cyrillus, the little one from the night before, as he clambered up onto his lap. “It is not a thing lightly done.”
“When did you get your first sword?” another asked, touching the sheath to Gaidres’s sword and then the breastplate of his armor. “Do you have to train always or do you just know what to do? My mother says that planting and growing things is in our blood and we just do it.”
“Dominus.” One of the women caught his attention as she approached. “If they are bothersome, we can move elsewhere.”
Caelius gave him a questioning glance and Gaidres shook his head. He did not mind the children, though he hadn’t expected to be such a source of obvious fascination for them.
Caelius shook his head at the women. “Do not concern yourself. I think he is happy to have all the attention.”
Gaidres glanced over at Caelius at that comment, unsure what he meant by it. But the children drew his attention back before he could ponder it long.
“Well? When did you get your first sword?” Nikon looked as if he was planning to go running to his father and inform him of the exact year Gaidres had gotten his, in hopes of convincing his father of allowing him to have one, as well.
“When I was thirteen.” He chuckled at the boys’ crowing, shaking his head. “But no one simply put a sword in my hand and sent me on my way. You have to learn to use one properly or the weapon you wield can easily become your enemy’s advantage.”
One of the older boys puffed his chest up, scowling. “That’s silly. If I have a sword I can kill my enemy!”
Gaidres’s brow lifted and he set Cyrillus on the bench beside him before rising. “You think so? Come, show me.” He gestured the boy away from the others and unsheathed his sword, carefully handing it to him by its hilt. “What is your name, son?”
“Nerva.”
Gaidres gestured to the sword which, though short for a man, overwhelmed the boy who appeared to be around eleven. “Kill me then. I am your enemy, now show me how you would dispatch me with your mighty sword.”
He gestured to Cyrillus, who was attempting to squirm down from the bench to follow, and Caelius stopped the boy, keeping him beside him. “You, little one, will sit here with me or with your mother. Leave the swordplay to the older boys. You’ll join them soon enough.”
To Gaidres’s relief, the women gathered the other very young ones, who wouldn’t understand the danger, and took them off to the other side where they could watch the lesson in safety.
Nerva held the blade in both hands, his muscles straining, and cast a glance at Caelius before looking back at Gaidres. “What if I hurt you? Dominus would be angry.”
Caelius chuckled. “True, I would be upset if Gaidres got hurt, but not with you. Do not fret, Nerva, I think you are safe. Gaidres is well used to facing an opponent. Just follow his lead.”
“An enemy would not wait for you to make up your mind to strike, Nerva.” Gaidres gestured to the sword. “Come at me or consider yourself defeated at the start.”
Nerva’s face screwed up in a grimace, but he stepped forward, swinging the heavy sword clumsily at Gaidres’s stomach. Gaidres moved out of the way, catching Nerva’s arm. He used the boy’s momentum against him and in the next instant had the sword back in his own hand and pointed right at Nerva. The boy’s mouth fell open. “You’d be dead.”
Gaidres lowered the sword and crouched down so they were eye level. “And that, my boy, is why a weapon you do not know how to wield is deadly only to yourself.” Nerva scowled and huffed, looking embarrassed and Gaidres smiled, reaching out to pat his shoulder. “If you would like, and with your parents’ permission, I can show you how to make sure that never happens again.”
Huge dark eyes in a smart little face met Gaidres’s gaze. “Do you mean it?”
Gaidres glanced over at Caelius and found him smiling. When Caelius nodded, Gaidres looked back at the boy. “I do. Get permission and we will meet right back here tomorrow.”
“I will! I will. Gratitude!” Then Ne
rva scrambled off to the other boys, who clamored around him wanting to know what it’d been like to hold a real soldier’s sword and face him in battle.
Gaidres chuckled and straightened to his feet, tucking his sword back in its sheath and dusting off his hands as he came back to the bench where Caelius sat. Caelius was giving him an amused look.
“I suppose you’ll need a rudis for him. Your sword near toppled him over.” Caelius’s eyes sparkled.
Gaidres chuckled. “He has fight in him, that one. I think his mother is bound to be disappointed when young Nerva shows more aptitude for a sword than a garden.”
Caelius laughed, startling Faustus and setting him to kicking, loosening the swaddling around him. “I think you may be right. I’d also hazard to guess that when you practice with the guards tomorrow you will have a rapt audience. These boys are going to follow you around like a pack of young hounds if you let them.”
“I’ll make sure to set a few rules.” Gaidres reached his finger out to Faustus who once again had managed to get his little hand free. The babe latched on to Gaidres’s finger and he could not mask his pleased expression.
“Here, hold him a moment while I send for his nurse. No doubt he’ll be hungry soon, now that he’s started wiggling.” Caelius’s attachment to his son was one of the many strange, yet pleasant, oddities about the man. Most men had little time for infants. Sons did not tend to become of interest until they began to walk and talk and could be taught. But Caelius wanted to hold his son and talk softly to him at every opportunity. In that, they were very much alike. Gaidres could not imagine ever foisting his own babes off with nary a twinge of regret.
Gaidres’s heart ached as he was handed the infant. He looked down at him, one finger stroking his little cheek. A surge of jealousy raced through him. He had always thought he’d come to terms with the fact that he would never have children. First, when he’d fallen in love with Kerses and realized there would be no woman to bear them, and then again when he was captured and realized there was no escape, even if he’d had something to escape to.
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