by Rosie Harper
She had never admitted this to anyone else, but saying it now was liberating. It was only at this point that she realised that he had expressed shock at the fact that she had trouble with love, and blood had rushed to her face at the thought of it. Was it possible that he felt the same feelings she felt? It didn’t seem possible, but there was something in his gaze as they looked at each other from across the cabin that made her wonder if she might be onto something.
Either way it wasn’t right, and she cleared her throat nervously and fought desperately for a change of subject.
“So how about you? Have you ever been in love before?”
Kyle was quiet for a very long time before he answered.
“I was married once,”he told her.“What feels like a long time ago. We were young sweethearts, quick to marry, but it worked out for us in the end. She…”he hesitated to continue, but in that moment Lilah knew that he could say anything and she would be happy to listen. The more he spoke, the more she wanted to learn about him. Before she knew it, she had stood and made her way to his side, sitting down so that she could hear him better.
Kyle looked as though he was struggling for the right words, and Lilah desperately wanted to let him know that it was alright, she wouldn’t judge him for his heartbreak. She could feel the warmth beside her even now, as though he were burning with a fever underneath his clothes, but she realised rather quickly that he was still in the peak of health. He just seemed like a man who ran hot. It took her a moment to realise that this was the closest she had ever really sat next to a man, and she liked it. Specifically, she liked sitting next to him.
“She died in childbirth,”he finally said.“About two years after we got hitched. I was twenty, she was only nineteen. The baby didn’t survive either.”
Lilah opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. He noticed this and laughed a little, uncomfortable at how dark the conversation had turned.
“She’s buried under the apple tree on the ranch. I still like to visit her sometimes, although it’s been about five years since then.”
Lilah was speechless, how could she have fled her own town simply because the man she once loved had loved another, and here Kyle lived on the very property where the spectre of his wife loomed.
“How can you stand it?”she asked breathlessly. He turned his head to face hers, and he was so close that she swore that she could breathe in his own breath. She could count every single one of his eyelashes. Once again, she found herself left completely struck by him.
“I thought about leaving, but Harlan wanted me to stay. I mean, he understood if I had to, but he had been good to us, and I didn’t want to just leave him. Plus, I think that Ellie would have wanted me close by...now I don’t really mind it.”
The mention of her fiancé brought her momentarily back to reality. That was right, she had a fiancé, she couldn’t be sitting close to handsome young cowboys with beautiful eyes, listening to their sad tales and wanting to kiss the sadness from their eyes. She had to remember…
Thunder crashed, and as it did she leaned over and kissed him. She could hear the horses whinnying nervously outside, and for a moment she wondered if she had just made the biggest mistake in her life. It wasn’t until he wrapped his arms around her, bringing her closer while kissing her back, did she realise that he must have felt the same.
They didn’t speak, and the only sound was the rustling of clothing, the occasional sigh, and a sweet moan that escaped his lips as she pressed herself against him. She had never been with a man like this before, but somehow out in the middle of this thunderstorm, in spite of everything, she felt brave. Perhaps it would only be for this night, perhaps he would never look at her again, perhaps tomorrow she would meet Harlan and they would marry. But for this moment they were simply two strangers who could not seem to get enough of each other.
Shedding clothing along the way, their heated kissing led them to the bed, where he pushed her down, his hands on her breasts. She felt as though she were kissing the sun, as if she was the sun, her skin ran so hot underneath his touch. She felt as though she might burst into flames. Was this what love felt like? Would she even understand that? She sighed against his lips as his fingers moved down, and when they entered her she thought she might break apart.
It didn’t matter how loud she was, the thunder drowned out her cries of passion, the lightning seemed to strike with almost every time she was brought to the brink, and when she didn’t think she would be able to take it any longer Kyle climbed on top of her and entered her with a gentle, yet forceful passion.
They rocked together for a while and Lilah wasn’t sure if she ever wanted it to stop. The rain beat in the same frantic rhythm as her heart and she wondered if someone could die from love. Finally, after what seemed like several blissful years, Kyle cried out in his own form of ecstasy and collapsed on top of her.
They lay there quietly for a long time. It took that long for the truth of the matter to finally hit Lilah, and she sat up, gripping the quilt with shaking hands, and stared down at Kyle in horror.
“What have I done?”she asked, her voice quavering with terrified horror. Kyle was quiet, and Lilah assumed he must be wondering the same thing. She bolted out of bed, lunging for her clothing, while Kyle lurched after her.
“Wait! Wait!”
She had never put her pants on so quickly, and left a few buttons on her blouse undone as she darted out of the cabin. The rain was coming down like she had never seen, and her hair, now freed from its braid, was plastered to her forehead. She didn’t know where she was running, but she knew she shouldn’t stay there. The chestnut mare looked up at her with a worried look, and she charged past her, not knowing where to go, not knowing if she could actually make it anywhere, but knowing that no matter what she had to stay away from Kyle Granger.
“Lilah!”Kyle’s voice echoed out into the rain, and she wasn’t so foolish as to believe that he would not follow her. She could hear him slipping and cursing as he made his way after her.
Of course, she thought bitterly. He can’t lose his cargo.
It wasn’t fair to either of them and she knew it, but she couldn’t help but bitterly think that way. The darkness was starting to come in earnest, more than just the thunderstorm, it seemed as though the sun was starting to set too. Soon she would be wandering the plains of Montana in complete darkness, and would probably end up falling prey to some savage coyote before long.
Maybe that was what she deserved.
“Lilah!”Kyle called again, and maybe she would have had that fate if she hadn’t slipped at that very moment, falling into a mud puddle. She cried out in pain as her ankle twisted, and had to lay there until Kyle caught up, his sun-kissed hair made darker by the rain. In a flash he was beside her, kneeling as she kneaded at her ankle, wincing in pain.
“I twisted it, I think,”Lilah replied at his worried look.“I didn’t feel anything break.”
He hoisted her in his arms and carried her back to the cabin, walking with such care that it was almost completely dark by the time they made it back. He lay her gently on the bed before moving to one of the cabinets, taking out a small lantern and lighting it with a bit of flint and tinder.
“You gave me a scare,”he said as he set the lamp on the bedside table. The lamplight scattered across his face made him look even more handsome, and Lilah fought the urge to kiss him again. She had to look away.
“I’m a disgrace,”she replied sadly.“Look at me. I’m supposed to be marrying your boss in a few weeks, and look at me now! Throwing myself at the nearest cowboy.”
“In my defence, I’m the only cowboy,”he said in a brave attempt at humour. She forced a laugh that did not sound very convincing.
“You know what I mean.”
“I know, but Lilah...listen to me.”He reached for her hand, and she took it. Of course it made her feel scared to have him so close to her, what was she going to do? But looking into those blue eyes once again gave he
r strength. On some level it made her feel less afraid.
“I’m not going to pretend that I’m completely unashamed of what we did, but I’m also not going to pretend that I didn’t feel something as soon as I saw you. Lilah, since the day my wife died, I thought that I would never find another woman beautiful again, and for five years I thought I was right, and then I met you.”
“Oh Kyle…”she bit her lip as she looked at him.“Kyle that’s the most beautiful thing I ever heard.”
She pulled him in, and in spite of her guilt and terror at her recent transgressions, she kissed him again and they flew out of her mind.
“But what will we do?”she asked once they separated.“I would hate to break Harlan’s heart…”
It was Kyle’s turn to be silent as he thought over what she had said. During his silence Lilah thought long and hard about it, about what she should do, who she should betray, and before he could say anything else, she knew what she had to do.
“I’m sorry, Kyle, but I don’t want to betray Harlan...not yet.”
He knew that it would end that way, of course it would. She barely knew him from Adam, Harlan had paid her way this far, and Kyle was just some cowboy who worked for him. Plus, was he even ready to love again? The loss of Ellie had almost destroyed him, now that he had this beautiful girl in front of him, he felt that familiar pang of panic at the idea that he might lose her too. He brushed a sodden piece of hair out of her face and nodded.
“I understand.”
Lilah buried her face in his chest and listened to the sound of his heartbeat. How could she explain to him that even that did not feel right? That the only thing that made sense to her was them being together...but how could they do such a thing?
How could she have love, real love, right in front of her, but turn her back on it? She knew now that what she had felt for Michael was only a shadow of what love could be. She never remembered Michael’s touch igniting a fire in her like Kyle’s did. How could she give this up?
They sat in silence for a while, listening to the rain, until Lilah raised her head to look at him once more.
“We have until tomorrow morning, at least,”she said with an edge of hope in her voice. He looked down at her, and once again his handsome face was unreadable to her. Would she see him on the range, ready to drive some of the cattle, and would she even then not know what he was thinking? He studied her face for a long time before bringing her in for another kiss.
She didn’t think this time, and instead merely melted into his arms. Maybe the rain would never end. Maybe they would be able to stay there forever.
These were the last thoughts in her head as she drifted off to sleep in his arms afterwards.
Like it or not, tomorrow was coming, but she couldn’t bring herself to think about it until then.
Chapter 3
The morning dawned with so much yellow sunshine that Lilah thought the world looked drenched in butter. Kyle was no longer laying beside her, but she could hear him wrangling the horses and hitching the mare back to the cart.
Lilah’s muscles seemed to scream against the idea of moving, and she felt as though she were turning to stone in protest at having to move, having to break the spell of this terrific love that she had stumbled into. She crept to the window and watched as he spoke softly to the horses, running his fingers through their manes, patting them softly on their flanks. She watched as though mesmerised, and prayed that Harlan Cooper would be a good man.
After she had dawdled enough she walked out into the sun, blinking in the brightness and still trying to clear the sleep out of her eyes. Kyle looked at her and then quickly turned away, she felt the same way.
Lilah climbed up into cart as Kyle mounted his stallion, and she took a deep breath and said out loud what they both might have been thinking.
“Will Harlan be worried that we didn’t arrive yesterday?”she asked. He shook his head.
“He’ll understand because of the weather, we’re about four hours out still, but I don’t think that we’re going to hit any problems on the way this time.”
He looked a little disappointed by this, and maybe she just wanted to see that, to see a hint of regret before she threw herself into this other life. When she didn’t see anything, she set the mare walking, and decided not to bring it up again.
They rode in silence for the majority of the four hours, and Lilah turned her mind to think about Harlan Cooper for what seemed like both the millionth time as well as the first. She had to think about him now, had to put all of her thoughts into him so that she could be a good wife.
After four hours, Lilah could see in the distance: the grazing of cattle, another cowboy running through them, even the small silhouettes of tinier creatures, presumably the calves that had kept Harlan from coming out and meeting her himself. She could see the rider take notice of the two of them and wave. Lilah’s heart flip-flopped as she realised that this may very well be Harlan.
Kyle reined in his horse, his body hesitating as he turned to her.
Finally she could see what he was thinking, the regret, the sadness. It made her heart ache, and part of her wanted to reach for him, but she knew better than to do that.
“Lilah...I just wanted to say...I’ve never…”he paused and ran his hand through his hair, full of nervousness. It touched Lilah in a way she didn’t expect. Finally he got it together enough to continue.
“Harlan is a good man, and he’s an understanding man, and I can understand and respect why you would want to try things with him...he isgood, and kind, and I can understand you not wanting to break a good man’s heart.”
Tears rose in Lilah’s eyes, and she brushed them away quickly in the hopes that no one would see. He didunderstand, but she didn’t know why that felt even more painful than if he didn’t.
“I do,”she explained.“It’s only right.”
“I know, but I just want to let you know that if it doesn’t happen, if you don’t think you could ever love him, please know that I’ll always be there.”
The tears began to fall in earnest, and she had a bit of trouble trying to hide it. His eyes softened as his hands tensed in an attempt to touch her, to brush those tears away himself. She hiccupped softly.
“I don’t know how you could stand it,”she replied to him.“I never could.”
He exhaled slowly, looking out over the plains, at the man who had waved to them. He had started riding in their direction.
“Well, you’ve never been in love before,”he replied quietly.
She should have felt angry about that, she should have insisted thatyes she had and that was why she had to leave, but his gentle understanding, the fact that there was no malice in his voice, the sweet calmness behind all of it had calmed her instead of upsetting her. He had not meant it as a barb.
Kyle’s sadness and regret melted into happiness as he raises his hand to the rider approaching them.“Harlan!”He cried, and once again the nervousness flooded Lilah’s heart. It was time to meet her fiancé.
Harlan Cooper wasn’t necessarily a bad looking man, but he lacked the sheer handsomeness of Kyle, which made him look less attractive than he actually was. His eyes were dark, and she could see a little bit of dark hair under his cowboy hat. He had a big smile, and Lilah could see just by looking at him that he barely had a mean bone in his body.
“Why howdy! You must be Lilah!”His man moved to shake hers until he realised that to do so would cause him to tumble out of his own saddle. In spite of the misery she felt in her gut over losing Kyle, she couldn’t help but smile at him.
“And you’re Harlan?”she asked.“It’s very nice to meet you!”
Harlan flushed red and tipped his hat to her. Kyle rode up beside him with a relaxed air that indicated to Lilah that they were good friends. Finally she began to feel something akin to shame.
“We were holed up in the old cabin thanks to the storm,”he explained to Harlan.“The wheel on the cart broke too, so we were delayed.”
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br /> “It was a cursed trip,”she said brightly.“But we’re here now.”
Harlan nodded, and she could tell he was nervous. He had one of those faces that showed every bit of emotion and thought that passed his face, so completely unlike Kyle in that regard. She frowned slightly at this, banishing the comparison from her mind. It wasn’t fair on Harlan to do so.
“Well, follow me, I’ll have someone take your trunk to your room and you can rest, we’ll meet again at dinner, does that sound alright?”
She nodded, and off they went.
Lilah was surprised to find that she had her own room, but also comforted. She wasn’t going to have to jump immediately into bed with him, which was something she was worrying about. After he had showed her to her room, he had looked at her shyly.
“Don’t worry about…”he cleared his throat, looking around nervously.“I thought that we could get to know each other first before anything, um, happened.”
That worked for Lilah, who found as the weeks wore on that she liked Harlan’s quiet manner and kind eyes.
Over the next few weeks he had been the perfect gentleman, taking her for long strolls, only giving her fleeting touches on her arm. She didn’t hate his touch, but it didn’t ignite any fire inside of her that it had with Kyle.
She found that she truly loved where she was now, the ranch was beautiful and the animals were sweet, but what truly got to her was the vastness of the sky, and how at night it would fill with so many stars she could not even count them all. Sometimes she would lay in the soft grass of the field at night, trying to count all of those stars.
And Kyle...every day just looking at him was torture. She would catch glimpses of him riding out in the field, his sun-kissed hair flopping over his eyes. She wanted to push that hair back, climb into his lap, and never leave. She had thought that it would get easier to forget him, but not when he was there all the time. Not when she wanted him beside her at night, helping her count the stars as well.