“I don’t know how,” I admitted. Forgiveness wasn’t something that came easy for me. Okay, it didn’t come at all.
Take my own father for example. I’d told him on his deathbed I couldn’t forgive him for all the things he’d done to my mother and me. I’d let it go in my own way. He no longer haunted me. But I would never forgive him for what he did. To me, forgiving him would be like saying what he did was okay. And it wasn’t.
What I did would never be okay either. Maybe that’s why I didn’t know how to forgive myself. Maybe I didn’t deserve forgiveness, just like my father.
“Someday you will.” She promised and continued playing with my hair.
“Did you tell your parents about the baby yet?” I asked, snuggling a little closer into her body.
Yes. Snuggled.
Sometimes a guy just needs to do these things.
“Not yet,” she hedged. “I told Drew not to say a word either.”
“Think they’re going to be upset?” As I spoke, her hand drifted away from my hair and her nails lightly scraped over my back.
“I don’t know. I’m sure it will be a shock like it was to us.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to miss his birth,” I admitted. It was something that had been gnawing away at my insides these past few days. And since I was already acting good and girly, I figured I’d just get it all out there right then.
“It’s going to be a tricky time.” She agreed, like she also thought about it.
She was due at the beginning of the football season. Assuming I would be drafted by the NFL, I was going to be out of town, wherever my team was. How was I supposed to give my first season with the NFL my full attention when I had Ivy and a baby to think of?
What Romeo asked me the night at the hospital really resonated with me.
What is the one thing you wanted most from your father?
For him to be there. For him to love me.
I was going to fucking be there for my kid. If someone asked him or her the same question when they’re my age, that was not going to be their answer.
I couldn’t miss the birth. Not only for the baby, but for Ivy, too. She needed my support. She needed to know I would be there.
“I could talk to Anthony,” I said, thinking out loud. “Maybe see if I can push back the draft, finish my senior year here at Alpha U, and then maybe—”
“No.” Her voice was final.
I lifted my head and looked up. “No?” My lips twitched. It was pretty fucking cute she was bossing me.
“This is your dream. Your career. It’s your opportunity. I’m not holding you back from that.”
“I don’t think that, Ivy,” I said, sitting up and facing her. “You aren’t holding me back.”
“No. I’m not, because you’re going to get drafted. You’re going to play football, and I’m going to be right there cheering you on.”
She was amazing. Fierce. Loyal. Protective.
And now she was carrying my child.
“I don’t want to miss the beginning of this baby’s life.” I rubbed a hand over my face. But if I didn’t play, I wouldn’t get paid. A three-year contract with the NFL would set us up for life. It would guarantee Ivy and my child wouldn’t want for anything.
“You won’t.” She reached out and took my hand, giving it a firm squeeze. “This is really important to you, isn’t it?”
I lifted an eyebrow. “You’re surprised?”
“It’s just before I told you, I was so worried.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “I’ve always been like a free range chicken.”
“A free range chicken?” she echoed blankly.
“Roaming free. It’s what I did.” I joked.
“Isn’t that like a cell phone commercial or something?”
I laughed. “Those days are over, Ivy, and frankly, I couldn’t be more glad. I hadn’t realized how exhausting it was playing the field, making sure I never got too close. You’re my home now. You and this baby. No one’s more surprised than me, but I wouldn’t trade you for anything in this entire world, including a football contract.”
“I’ll travel with you,” she said. “Whatever city you go to, I’ll go there, too. You can see me whenever you have a minute, even if it’s only five minutes out of the entire day. And when I get too far along to travel, you can come back for the birth. Soon as I’m able, I’ll bring the baby to wherever you are.”
“You’d do that?”
“You’re not the only one in the relationship who would do anything for the other.”
There were still a lot of details to work out. Still so much to take into consideration, but for now, I was happy.
“You’re going to be the best dad, Braeden. I can’t wait to see it.” Her voice was full of emotion.
Now was a good time to strike.
“I’d make a pretty good husband, too.”
That earned me a sour look.
What was it with this woman?
“Most women would sell a kidney to marry this.” I scoffed and gestured to my bare chest.
“I like my kidneys. Both of them.”
“So you love me and will have my baby, but you won’t marry me.”
“Totes.”
Totes? On what fucking planet did this make sense?
Ivy rolled onto her side, facing me, and slid down under the covers. The sound of her yawn filled the room. As if we were disturbing her, Her Royal Highness Prada got up from near Ivy’s feet and burrowed under the covers to lie right up against her.
I lay down, too, as close to Ivy as the stinking dog would let me.
She reached out again and started dragging her fingers through my hair. It was almost as good as sprinkles.
“You’re going to say yes eventually.” I glowered.
“We’ll see.”
We’ll see?
Challenge accepted.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Rimmel
How did we all get so old?
Okay. Fine. We weren’t old in the literal sense. It’s not like we were all walking around with canes and Depends.
Our numerical ages were still quite young, but our family—especially me, Romeo, Braeden, and Ivy—had grown up so much. I felt like we’d all aged beyond our years.
In such a short time, too.
It was no wonder I was sitting here profoundly pondering our futures.
Or more specifically, my future.
I had a decision to make, and it was a big one. I was doubting myself, questioning what I wanted. I was beginning to realize I wasn’t necessarily questioning the way I felt, but rather how the way I felt was changing me.
If that made any sense.
For so, so long, I’d wanted only one thing. To become a veterinarian. To help and devote myself to giving a voice to those who could not do it for themselves. I still wanted to do that. I always would. That part of me was something I knew would never go away no matter how many changes I went through in my life.
But now I didn’t just want one thing.
I wanted way more.
And oddly, Ivy’s pregnancy reminded me that time was fluid; it moved and flowed. It also reminded me that my life was a lot more than just animals now.
And so here I sat. The sun barely lifted off the horizon and the frigid chill of the early morning air froze my toes even though they were still buried safely under the mountain of blankets on our gigantic king-size bed.
I glanced beside me at Romeo. Even in the dark, his blond hair was light. It was a little longer now than it used to be, and when he woke up in the morning, it was wild around his head, making him look even more rakish and charming than he already was.
My husband.
The awe of knowing that’s who he was to me was still as bold as the first day we got married. As I stared down at him sleeping, I thought a part of me would always be a little bit in awe of Romeo Anderson.
And it was mostly because of that—because of him—that my decisio
n was so easy yet so very hard.
I knew what I wanted. I knew where my future lay.
But my head was battling my heart, and the tug-of-war between the two wasn’t something I enjoyed.
As if he somehow sensed my inner strife, Romeo stirred. His head turned to me, blond locks of hair falling over his forehead and his piercing blue eyes slitting open and peering up at me.
“Rim?”
“Go back to sleep,” I told him, reaching out and tucking the hair away from his face. His skin was so warm. It always was.
That partnered with the blond hair and warm-toned skin made me strongly suspect the man had his own personal sun inside him, and it radiated out, giving him that extra something that everyone always reacted to.
He yawned, showing me just about all his white teeth, and pushed up so he could lean against the headboard beside me.
“Why you awake at the ass crack of dawn, Smalls?” His voice was rumbly from sleep, and as he spoke, he rubbed his face with one hand.
“I was watching my husband sleep.”
“You aren’t planning on murdering me, are ya?”
I poked him in the ribs. “I think I’ll keep you around for a while.”
“I’m a pretty useful guy.”
I stretched my lips into a catlike smile. “Especially when I need something off a high shelf.”
“There’s that,” he allowed. But then the playfulness left his tone. “There’s also when I know something’s eating at you.”
I sighed.
“You having regrets about getting married the way we did?”
“No!” I gasped. The force of my denial shot my back up away from the headboard. “That was literally the best day of my entire life.”
He bestowed upon me a beautiful smile, and if I didn’t already know he possessed the light of his own personal sun, it would have been confirmed just then.
“It was a damn good day,” he answered, gruff, and picked up my hand to kiss the palm. “Woman, your hands are like ice.”
“It’s cold.”
“I got ya blanket right here.” He lifted his arm, and I slid myself beneath it, fitting right against his side. For good measure, I stuffed my toes between his legs and sighed at the blessed warmth. He jerked like I shot him and then muttered something about needing some meat on my bones but didn’t make a move to try and get away from my freezing limbs.
“Braeden is going to make a really good dad.”
He made a sound. “It sure as hell is going to be fun to watch him with a baby. Dude knows absolutely nothing about kids.”
“Do you?” I asked inquisitively.
“Nope.”
“Me either.” I giggled. “I hope Ivy does or we’re all in trouble.”
“We can practice on our nephew so we don’t screw up ours.”
“That’s a terrible thing to say!” I gasped and looked up at him. “And who says it’s a boy?”
He grunted. “Damn well better be or I’m gonna have to move up my timeline for a house with a wall around it.”
“What timeline? And why on earth would we need a wall around our house if they have a girl?”
“Because you know any girl born into this family is gonna be gorgeous. And you’ve seen how B is when anyone—including me—looks at Ivy too long. Imagine what the hell he’d be like with a daughter.”
“You feel protective of her already,” I said.
And yes.
I will admit this.
Only once.
Never again.
Hearing him already outline a plan to protect his new niece or nephew made me feel like one of my ovaries exploded.
I mean really. I was only human.
He shrugged. “That baby’s my family. But even before I found out about him, I planned to buy us a house on a lot of land with a wall and a gate. I want to make sure you’re protected. I want you safe.”
Emotion clogged my throat, and it took me a few minutes to swallow past it. He was so incredibly thoughtful. Even though he seemed so carefree, he was always thinking, always keeping an eye on those he loved most, and always figuring ways to make sure he took care of them.
Maybe I teased him because the feelings he brought out in me were so intense it was almost—almost—too much to bear. “You can’t just lock me away behind a gate, you know.”
He chuckled. “I know that, and with you going away to vet school, I figured we’d have at least four years before we actually started building. But, baby, you know the press is insistent. I don’t see it going away in the near future. The more I play, the worse it’s going to be. I don’t want them bothering you. I don’t want us looking over our shoulders every time we pull up to our home. And I especially don’t want people trying to get looks of the newest member of our family. Braeden is going to be like a bear with a raging case of monkey butt when that baby’s born. We’ll be lucky if he lets us touch him.”
A bear with a raging case of monkey butt?
Ew.
“You want us all to live together?”
He froze momentarily, like it was something he just assumed was automatic, like it never required any thought. “I thought you’d like it that way. I know you and B are close… If you’d rather have a place of our own—”
I laid a hand on his chest, reveling in the strong beat of his heart beneath my palm. “I love living with everyone. I think it’s a perfect idea. They’re going to need help with the baby anyway.”
“Yeah,” he said, like the thought never really occurred to him.
I thought it was amusing.
Leave it to Romeo to think of elaborate plans to protect us all and the baby, but not even once consider the fact that babies needed round-the-clock care.
“I don’t really know how much we’re going to be around.” He finished, his voice concerned.
“About that…” I started, sitting up away from him and leaning back against the white upholstered headboard. “I’m not going to vet school.”
His eyes widened and then his mouth flattened. I knew he wasn’t going to be happy about this. “I wasn’t implying that you need to stay home to help take care of their baby or that you going off to pursue your dream is disloyalty to this family.”
“I know that,” I said, firm.
“You’re going.” He said it like it was final. Like he was the be all, end all, say all to what I did.
“Don’t you take that tone with me,” I growled.
He grinned, a big, stupid, dopey grin.
I scowled. I wasn’t trying to be funny.
“Damn. Smalls finally got the growl. Someone must be pissy.”
“If you know I’m pissy, then why are you making it worse by taunting me?”
“‘Cause you’re sexy when you growl.”
I rolled my eyes. It always came back to sex. Good Lord, when he was eighty, he was still gonna be making inappropriate jokes.
“It’s not my dream anymore. I have a new dream now.”
He seemed skeptical. There was a light in his eyes that made it clear he was wondering if I was just saying that because I thought it’s what he wanted to hear.
I couldn’t be mad, because that was Romeo. He just wanted me to be happy and he wouldn’t let anyone get in the way of that—not even himself.
“Why don’t you tell me exactly what’s on your mind?” he said and picked me up, slipping me into his lap with ease.
I laid my head against his chest, and he tucked the blankets around me, even though I wasn’t cold anymore. He already warmed me up.
“I want to take the job Michelle offered me, running the new shelter. I know it’s not very high pay, especially considering what you make—”
“The money isn’t even an issue, Rim. You could work for free and I wouldn’t give a fuck as long as it made you happy.”
“You only say that because you’re making enough for five people.” I teased.
His chin almost hit his chest beside my face when he looked down at me. “
Even if I wasn’t making shit, I’d still say the same thing.”
“I know.” I lifted my face a fraction and kissed the underside of his chin. “I’ve been so involved with the building of that shelter, it already feels like my place. When I think about leaving soon and letting someone else take it over, it makes my stomach hurt.”
“That’s just ‘cause B tried to cook dinner the other night.”
I dissolved in a fit of giggles. “Oh my God, I thought the kitchen would never un-smell again!”
He laughed low and it rumbled through his chest and vibrated my ear. “That shit was bad.”
I honestly still didn’t know what he was trying to cook. I don’t think any of us knew. I wasn’t even sure he did. When I got home, I thought something had died. But no. It was just Braeden making a “family” dinner.
Seems he made a “bomb” grilled cheese for Ivy (which she did say tasted really good) and then got it in his head he was gourmet.
He wasn’t.
I wiped the tears out of my eyes from laughing and took a breath. “I don’t want to miss any of this,” I whispered.
His body went calm, and I felt him listening.
“I don’t want you to go off to football and me to go off to some school where I’ll be buried under lab work and exams. That’s four years of our life I won’t get back.”
“Baby, you can’t give up on your dream because it’s going to be hard to be away. We’ll still see each other. I’ll fly to you instead of home when I have time off.”
“That’s not good enough,” I said, my voice taking on a tone that suspiciously sounded like whining. “I don’t want to live in some cold dorm with some roommate who isn’t my family. I don’t want to go to bed without the scent of you on my sheets and the memories of all the times we’d made love in our bed.”
“I can’t go off and live my dream if you don’t go off and live yours,” he said quietly.
“Vet school isn’t my dream anymore, Romeo. You are. Our family is.”
He opened his mouth. I felt the protest in the set of his shoulders.
I sat up and looked at him intently. “Animals will always be my passion. I still truly believe in being their voice. But I don’t have to be a veterinarian to be that for them. I have way more to give animals than a medical degree. I have compassion and caring. I have passion and love. The shelter does so much good, Romeo. You know that. I could be a part of that. I could run it, make it a sanctuary for these animals, the ones like Murphy, the ones who started out like me.”
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