by Caroline Day
‘You are nervous’, it is not a question but a statement of fact. ‘Relax, we're just having a dinner.’
With some extra...
But it’s better not to think about it, about what will happen in an hour or two, when our stomachs are full, and we are in a luxury apartment of an expensive hotel.
‘OK’, I manage to put a smile on my face. It seems to work, but my knees are still shaking.
The waitress takes our order and leaves. Jared picked a dish for me. I am fine with it. Anyway, I can hardly read all these names of dishes.
‘Tell me about yourself.’
What did Alice say about it? ‘You shouldn’t tell them truth about yourself, darling.’ I shouldn’t mention neither my university, nor the death of my parents, nor my brother, who desperately needs my help.
‘I study law,’ I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.
‘What's your year of study?’
‘I am a graduate.’
‘Interesting...’
Wine is brought to us and poured into glasses.
‘Do you undergo a training? In what company?’
I have no idea! I'm not a damn lawyer and I'm not going to be one! I had to prepare in advance for the detailed interrogation. Alice warned me. Heck!
‘I haven't thought about it yet.’
‘I have a law office. You may come if you want. I’ll find a position for you to start.’
I wonder how he imagines it. We have a dinner, have sex, and then I'll work quietly in front of him, as if nothing has happened? Really? That sounds crazy, doesn't it?
But Jared keeps cool. He smiles, looking into my eyes, and then takes his glass filled with wine and clinks it with mine.
‘Well, let's drink to our meeting. I hope we’ll both enjoy it.’
Oh my. I’m sick. Come on, Lo, get your shit together!
‘Chin-chin!’
I take a little sip, tasting the wine, and then drink deep. It will make it easier to bear the fall, to go against myself and let a stranger to touch my body.
Jared carefully watches me with his narrowed gray eyes. He looks down at my cleavage, revealing my big breasts, at my long neck decorated with a small pendant. At my lips, that I bite involuntarily. Due to fear. Due to tension. And due to uncertainty.
‘Have you ever been told that you are very beautiful?’
Yes. Hundreds of times. Compliments don't make my cheeks blush. I try not to look into his hungry eyes. In general, I try not to look at him at all. I ignore his glances. I do whatever it takes not to screw up and play my part perfectly.
‘No…’
He smiles at me, and I notice his snow-white teeth. I don't see it, I feel it. I tremendously want to get out of here. To escape from the frightening eyes of Jared. I need to gather my strength. Overcome fears. I have no choice. Damn, I have to do it! I have to do it again and again recently, but there is no other way.
‘Let’s go.’ It sounds more like a sentence than an offer.
‘But we haven't had a dinner yet.’
‘I’ll ask them to bring it into our room.’ The man rises from his seat and offers me his hand.
I hesitantly put my hand in his slightly wrinkled one. His hand is rough and calloused. I follow him. I follow my fate that I cannot escape.
Jared takes my coat from the cloak room and leads me to the elevator that takes us up. The second floor. The third floor. I look carefully at the electronic numbers on the tableau, pretending that I don’t care at all about the forbidden proximity of a man. If the elevator weren't transparent, he would rape me right here. Keep breathing. Calm down. Take it easy.
This has to happen.
The elevator stops with an odd sound, making me shudder. Goosebumps are running over my skin as Jared hugs my waist and leads me to the door of a luxury apartment.
‘Welcome.’
I freeze in the doorway. No, I'm not looking around – I’ve got enough when I came to Alice's apartment, but I can't take a step forward. I'm still standing in the dark hallway, looking at Jared's back in black business suit. He glances at me briefly, reached into his vest pocket, takes out an envelope, and puts it on the coffee table. Like in the movies. I wish I could push a pause button and stop it. Either forward or to the grave.
‘There's a thousand pounds here,’ he says calmly. ‘You’ll get the rest after the night.’
I just nod my head. I can't say anything right now, not even a simple ‘okay.’
‘Come here, don't be afraid,’ he sits down on the bed and taps the place by his side.
Easy to say, but it makes me shiver. Awareness of what is happening does not allow me to relax. Even thoughts about my brother do not help a lot. Heck!
Come on, Lo, force yourself. You have to overcome it. Step over your pride, over the uncertainty and oddity of the circumstances. You have to plunge into this dirt. You’ll wash it off later. Probably.
I take a step. Another step. The sound of my heels is muffled by the soft carpet, and my feet reflexively move me toward the man. To his net. To his eyes, devouring my body. He watches me walking like a lousy temptress. Well, okay, I have nothing to do with a temptress. Damn! I almost twisted my ankle walking on Alice's heels.
I remember the blondie told me that a girl should take the lead. But how? Should I sit on the lap of the fat man, hug and kiss him? Easy, Lo. Come on. You can handle it.
I try to give him a sinful smile without taking my eyes off him. As if we are going to a long night of love. I hope it will work out. Judging by the nod of approval, I hit the bull's-eye. I lean on his shoulders, sit on his lap, face to face, and reach for his lips. I close my eyes, barely touching his rough skin. His light stubble prickles my cheeks. Well... It's not that disgusting. I guess so. My lips keep moving. I feel his response. We are rubbing our bodies as if getting used to each other. But then...
He abruptly throws me on the bed and forces himself on top of me. Hey! By the way, you are a big boy! But I doubt he's going to listen to me right now. He presses my lips against mine. The man is not as delicate as he was before, he is rude and tough.
Jared takes all the oxygen off my lungs, draining the life out of me. His hands slide down my legs, over my thighs, around my waist, and stop at the cleavage, on my breasts, and he shamelessly continues to stick his tongue into my mouth. Drool... His drool runs down my chin.
‘You have great boobies. Natural ones,’ his mouth moves lower to my neck, his tongue circles around my clavicle, travels between my big breasts, and the man’s hands immediately pull them out of the dress. He crumples my breasts. Twists my nipples.
I don't think about the expensive dress that can be screwed, or about the lipstick that may smudge all over my face. I don't even think about my acquaintances who I can meet on my way back home. They will see me in a luxury dress and coat instead of my favorite hoodies and old jacket. I wish I could melt into the ground. I wish I could just disappear. Sit on the sidelines and watch a naughty girl, lying in the bed and bearing unpleasant caresses of a stranger.
And then, when the hell was over, I would leave the apartment.
But there is a drawback. The naughty girl is me, and I have nowhere to go.
‘Let's see how beautiful you are in-there.’
No! Please, not there! Please! Could you do it later?
Our passionate hug is interrupted by an incoming call. His iPhone is ringing. Mine is in vibration mode.
‘What the hell do they want?’ the man mumbles, reluctantly getting up from me, goes to the nightstand where he left his phone. ‘Yes! What do you mean? Are you kidding?’
An agitated squeaking voice, probably a woman’s one, sounds from the phone, and then my one-night lover frowns and blurts out:
‘I’ll be right there!’
He throws the phone next to me, hissing angrily under his breath. I hear him swearing. With dirty, disgusting words. I still cannot wrap my mind around it.
‘Sorry, darling, I have to go. Let’s have a
drink next time!’
I keep silent. I'm still lying in the bed, just like before. Unable to get out of bed to look at the man's face and make sure he is serious. That he is not kidding. That his drool won’t smear my face again. I want to wipe it off, but I don't dare do it when he is around.
‘The room is booked until tomorrow morning. You may stay here if you want,’ he comes up to me. Again. And I want to move back. But we are not going to have sex, right? He told it. ‘See you soon, darling,’ corners of his lips are slightly raised when he gives me a brief kiss.
He leaves, slamming the door and leaving the key card on the envelope on the coffee table. Jared didn't pay the rest. We didn't have sex. But I don't care. Fuck them all!
I am staring at the snow-white ceiling. Smiling, then burst out laughing. Nervously. Trying to calm down myself and thank someone in Heaven for good luck. What should I do? I guess I have to leave. But I am too weak to stand up. I feel ashamed. As if people know what I was doing in the luxury apartment and would look at me with disdain. Just like that waitress in the restaurant.
I was about to sleep with a stranger for money!
Another phone call interrupts my reflection. It’s my phone now. I reach into my bag and pull out my wrecked phone with a broken middle button.
‘Hello.’
‘Good evening, miss Brown. It's Dr. Connor. Sorry to bother you at night, but I have some critical news.’
Hysterical laughter instantly stops, and the air freezes in my chest and does not move out. Oxygen or carbon dioxide, it does not matter now.
‘Adam is getting worse,’ the doctor adds, tired of waiting for my response. ‘According to last tests, the critical stage is about to start. He needs immediate surgery. The faster the better. Do you hear me, Dolores?’
No, Dr. Connor. I don't want to hear you. You have just stabbed my heart and killed my belief. Shut out from hope that my brother can survive.
I never liked my full name. Never! And I hate it now.
‘I do. Fine.’
The call is over. I am not sure who hung up. I mumbled okay or something, but I am not sure that he heard me. Just like in a soap opera: the phone slips away from my hand and falls on the bed. My hands are suddenly getting weak. They reach to my eyes, soaking up tears of bitterness…
Small trickles are flowing down my face, smearing the perfect make-up, which took so much Alice's effort. My mascara is waterproof, so it shouldn’t run but it finally gives up too. Salty drops sting and eat away my soul. Sense. Feelings. Memories are streaming through my head like short gifs. Our childhood, school years, our fights, and arguments about who would blow out the candles on a birthday cake. And then a recent cut-out.
I was about to have sex with a stranger for the sake of the part of me...
But money can't save him now. You cannot buy time. And I am short of time.
The phone is buzzing again. Andrew. I want to hang up, but if I take the call, I'll never get out of here. I will stay in this luxury apartment until morning, howling like a dog from helplessness and sensation of impending doom.
‘Andrew, get me out of here,’ I beg in a tearful voice.
‘What’s happened? Where are you?’
‘Please, get me out!’
I finally tell him the hotel address and the room number. I'm ashamed to tell why I'm here even to my best friend who knows everything about me. Andrew doesn't say anything, hangs up the phone. Half an hour later, he calls me again and asks to come down to the hall. This is a difficult task when you are mentally crushed but I still find a nerve to get out of bed, wash my face and leave the room. But before that, I put the envelope into my purse.
Just like a whore...
Chapter 5.
‘Are you crazy? Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?’ Andrew shouts at the top of his voice. I feel like a child. Inexperienced and naughty.
Yes, I know it very well. I knew it from the start, but I never thought about the consequences. About unpleasant and disgusting consequences. But failed sex with a stranger is only a small part of the pain that hits my most vulnerable place. My chest. My heart.
‘He’s dying, Andrew.’
I still sob, thinking about my conversation with the doctor. I look into my friend’s eyes, sitting in his t-shirt after a shower, trying to find at least a drop of sympathy. But I have none. No sympathy at all. It is no use, tears will not help, but this is the only way to relieve my mind.
‘Are you willing to fuck ugly fat men for his sake?’
‘I need money! Got it? I won't make that much money in a restaurant.’
‘He isn’t worth it!’
‘Get off his back!’ now it’s my turn to flush with indignation and hit the ceiling at the most inappropriate moment. ‘I know you two had a fight, but you shouldn't mind it now! Adam is my brother and I will never leave him in the lurch.’
My friend keeps silent. Another flood of tears covers my face, and despair gives me a few slaps, reminding me once again of what I have become. But it won't work out. I can't save Adam this way. Time is merciless.
It has power over us.
‘Hush, hush,’ Andrew says, holding my weak body against his and gently stroking my long hair. It is almost soothing. I remember he used to do the same at school, when our classmates bullied me and did not let me go into the field.
He's always around when I'm feeling bad, he always finds a thousand reasons why I shouldn't shed tears for nothing. Always. But not now, when it comes to my brother.
‘Hi, Lo,’ Andrew's roommate Alex rushes into the small apartment. Well, he's almost a roommate. ‘Hi, honey,’ he comes up to his friend and kisses him briefly on the lips. All these lovey-dovey things, just like always. ‘Why are you crying?’
‘Adam is dying,’ Andrew explains. Even indifferent voice of my friend sounds a bit sad.
‘Is that the one who...’
‘Yes.’
I have no idea what Alex means, and I don't want to find out it right now. Too overwhelmed and tired for that. I’ll stay alone. I don't have other relatives.
Once again, sadness and tears capture me. A little more crying, and I’ll start stuttering. My eyes are probably swollen and I don't look nice right now. More precisely, I might look ugly. Who cares? My brother is dying, and I have only a lousy thousand pounds to save his life. And earning that thousand almost broke me apart.
I am too weak...
‘Don't worry, we'll settle it,’ Andrew tries to comfort me again. It’s useless. He can't stand Adam, and Adam can't stand him.
I understand that I need to calm down, come out of it and think of what else can be done. I can borrow money from my friends, from Alice if all else fails.
Right, Alice!
‘Hey, where are you going?’ my friend flares up. But I'll explain it later, when my plan works out. Explanations can wait.
Alice might help me, despite the past. We seem to find common ground, and I bet there must be the amount of money in her bank account. And when Adam gets better, I'll earn the money and pay off the debt. Every last pound. And he will live. He will stay with me.
But all my dreams are shattering to pieces. The subscriber is temporarily unavailable. I leave a voice message, asking her to call back, and check the social networks. I have already added her to friends. She was online about 24 hours ago. The last option is the escort website, at which she registered me.
I: ‘Please, call me back when you get the message. It is urgent.’
I send the message. I hope she will read it soon.
No messages. Neither from Alice, nor from clients. I wonder if I write that I'm willing to do anything for fifteen thousand, will someone respond to my offer?
‘Ready to do anything. Fifteen thousand pounds. No bargaining allowed. No restrictions. Ready to come to your place.’
I add the offer to my profile. I know that I wrote a complete nonsense due to despair, but maybe someone will respond. Who knows, perhaps someone will see it
and pay that amount of money for my crazy offer. It doesn't hurt to ask. I have to try.
‘Hey, have you fallen asleep in there?’ Andrew shouts from the living room.
‘I'll be right out.’ My friends are sitting together at the couch and hugging. ‘May I stay at your place?’
Alex looks at Andrew, and when his friend gives the nod of approval, he says:
‘You may sleep on the couch.’
The guys' apartment is located not in the most prosperous area. Tomorrow I will face terrific traffic jams on my way to the hostel. But I don't care. I’ll never fall asleep alone in an empty room. Alone in stillness, diluted by noises of a lively party on the third floor.
‘Do you want me to lie with you for a while?; Andrew asks.
‘You shouldn't. Alex will be jealous.’
We both know that this is not true, and I said something stupid, but the guy looks at me carefully and presses me against his chest. He’s warm. It’s like a glimpse into my childhood.
‘Everything will be fine,’ he whispers and goes to the bedroom to his boyfriend.
I keep going through the memories of the hard day for a while. Meeting, Adam’s diagnosis, Alice's instruction. I’m trying to think plan B. What about selling kidney? I fall asleep with these thoughts, barely hearing the sound of my phone vibrating.
Chapter 6.
I wake up feeling overwhelmed. A sort of morning-after feeling.
My throat is dry like a desert, I have a terrible headache, and thoughts flow from one thing to another, but cannot focus on one thing. I feel giddy.
I haven't had a drink in months, avoided College parties. Guess it was a mistake. They say alcohol helps to lose all sense of self. Maybe so, but it wouldn't solve my problem. It would neither save Adam's life nor throw fifteen thousand pounds at his feet.
Adam...
I have no time for self-chastising. It is necessary to act, and that promptly. At least I have to get up from the sofa and call a taxi. Damn, my phone is dead! And I have no recharging lead. What if Alice called and I missed her call? I need to get home as soon as possible. Guys are unlikely to find a recharging lead for my played-out Apple iPhone 4.