That’s beyond flippant, but anyone who says god is good has made the argument that morality exists outside religion. Either that or they’re saying “X = X” and there are quicker ways to say that. You can say that clearly by just shutting the fuck up.
If Zolten refrains from hitting Moxie when I’m watching, I don’t consider that morality. Maybe he’s hoping that I’ll reward him if he doesn’t and worried that I’ll punish him if he does. He’s right—if he hits his sister, he gets a time-out, except for that one time when she was being a real douche and Daddy turned a blind eye. (I’m a peacenik, but she was being such an asshole.) That’s not morality. Morality is when they aren’t being supervised and they get along without hitting. It’s morality when Zz controls his temper from the inside because it’s the right thing to do. That’s morality outside god, and if there’s morality without god, we don’t need god for morality.
Richard Dawkins writes about morality in animals other than humans. Many religions say that only humans have a soul, and in claiming that, they can’t attribute any non-human moral action to god. If monkeys are good and god is good, good means something other than god. Oh boy, the beginning of that sentence is so close to:
Monkeys = good
Good = god
Therefore:
Monkeys = god
And by the commutative property:
God = monkey
God is a monkey!
I came so fucking close to convincing myself to be a priest.
When I have just my 140 Twitter characters or a sound bite on Bill Maher, I’ve said things like, “Only atheists can be moral. If you’re doing it for reward or to avoid punishment, it’s not morality.” That’s 100 characters on the nose, which leaves you room for “@Penn Jillette” and the appositive “SexyBeast” and you still have room for a hashtag. Those 100 characters are provocative, but not completely fair. It’s not only that atheists can have morality, it’s that morality is atheist. We judge religion with our morality. We judge god with a morality that’s outside god. Every person who talks about what a good man/teacher/god/superhero Jesus was is saying they know good outside Jesus. Here I’m talking about real morality, the not killing, not raping, not stealing morality. Some of the rules religion adds in, like kill gays and atheists, wear magic underwear, and don’t eat certain stuff on certain days is not morality. It’s just nutty cult rules—like wearing peach and black to a Prince concert. Morality is outside religion. Morality is above religion. You must first have morality to say that god is good.
I didn’t have to teach my son that hurting people is bad any more than I had to teach him to walk toward Nina Hartley. Those are just part of being human.
Listening to: “Beautiful Boy”—John Lennon
IT’S TODAY AND YOU’RE ALIVE—CELEBRATE!
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THANKS
It might have been a mistake to tell my wife, Emily, that I felt that my editor, Sarah Hochman, understood me better than anyone in the world. I meant, you know, outside of my family. You know, professionally. I’ve made that clear now. It was Sarah’s idea for this book—thanks, Sarah, and to all the Blue Rider and Penguin people. Thanks to my agent, Steve Fisher, for doing the wheeling and dealing. I would have written the book for free.
Robbie Libbon has been my dear friend for my entire adult life. He makes sure the Penn & Teller show goes up every night and he read this book over and over, gave a zillion suggestions and helped Sarah figure out what the fuck I was trying to write about and shared the burden of taking out all those commas. I think someone told me sometime that “but” was supposed to always have a comma after it. Fuck public schools.
Lana Strong is a buddy who’s read all my other books a little too carefully, so I could send her each of these hunks and ask her if I’d written any of the stuff already in another book. I often can’t tell what I think and say from what I write—she can.
I love Spicoli, but it’s our co-manager Peter Golden who really has my heart.
Glenn Alai runs everything that Penn & Teller and/or Penn and/or Teller do. If he only had good-looking clients, he’d make Colonel Parker look like a slacker. Glenn can do anything. He could have written this book, but he was busy with other things.
I want to thank everyone who is mentioned in this book. Thanks for letting me in your lives. When that whole weird Chick-fil-A gay thang happened (remember that), I called Clay Aiken and asked him if we could make out together at a Chick-fil-A near him. He laughed. That would have been a real photo op. Yup, I make fun of Clay, but you know . . . I like him. Same with Donald Trump. Well, not the same with Donald Trump. Nope, not exactly the same with Donald Trump—for the love of fuck, get rid of that birther shit—but keep the hair. I love stupid hair.
Teller—you all know, and he knows better.
I can sum up this whole book with three short names—EZ, Mox, and Zz. My family gives me the love and joy to make every day an atheist holiday. They taught me what it means to cry with happiness. I never understood that before these guys.
Bob sang, “It frightens me the awful truth of how sweet life can be.”
EZ
Mox
Zz
They made me feel that. Love minus zero, no limit.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Penn Jillette has been the louder, larger half of the Emmy Award–winning, world-famous magic duo Penn & Teller for more than thirty-five years. He is the author of God, No! and the novel Sock, as well as several co-authored books with Teller. He has appeared on countless radio and television shows and films: from Howard Stern to Glenn Beck to the op-ed pages of The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and the Los Angeles Times, to The Celebrity Apprentice, Dancing with the Stars, Numb3rs, MTV Cribs and Chelsea Lately. As part of Penn & Teller, he has appeared more than twenty times on David Letterman, as well as on The Simpsons, Friends, Top Chef, The View and more. Jillette is the producer, with director Paul Provenza, of The Aristocrats. He co-hosts the controversial series Penn & Teller: Bullshit!—which has been nominated for sixteen Emmy Awards. More than 350,000 people visit the Penn & Teller Theater at the Rio All-Suite Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas every year. Jillette lives with his family in Las Vegas.
ALSO BY PENN JILLETTE
God, No! Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales
Sock
BY PENN JILLETTE AND MICKEY D. LYNN
How to Cheat Your Friends at Poker: The Wisdom of Dickie Richard
BY PENN JILLETTE AND TELLER
Penn & Teller’s How to Play in Traffic
Penn & Teller’s How to Play with Your Food
Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends
Every Day is an Atheist Holiday!: More Magical Tales from the Author of God, No! Page 25