She lifted her bag. All the paperwork and arrangements were inside. She just had to hand them over.
Riley was holding the door open. Large flakes of snow were falling outside. Even though it was still morning, the sky had a grey tinge.
They started walking across the courtyard. ‘Coffee shop or canteen?’
April shrugged. ‘Either.’
‘How hungry are you? Do you want an early lunch?’
She shook her head.
‘Then coffee shop it is.’
They walked over to the coffee shop and he held the door for her again. ‘Take a seat. I’ll get the coffee.’
She sat down on a red fabric sofa next to the lit fire. There was a garland above the fireplace and red tinsel adorning the walls. November. Another place with decorations. The music being piped around the room was a medley of Christmas songs. She smiled. This would have driven Mallory crazy. She used to say that Christmas seemed to begin as soon as Halloween had finished.
A few minutes later Riley appeared, carrying a tray. She looked up as she shrugged her way out of her jacket. The heat from the fire was already reaching her.
He smiled as he set down the two tall latte glasses filled with hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallows spilling over the edges. A plate with shortbread Christmas trees followed.
She looked up. ‘Really?’
His eyes twinkled. ‘Why not? I love Christmas.’
There was something about that smile. Something about that twinkle in his eye. It had always been there before, and it was part of the reason she’d avoided him. Riley Callaghan was too easy to like. He was almost infectious.
She was surprised. ‘You do? So do I.’
‘At last.’ He smiled. ‘Something we have in common.’
She frowned. ‘I imagined you were always away for Christmas.’
He looked amused. ‘You think about me?’ He couldn’t hide the cheeky gleam in his eyes. Then he shrugged. ‘A lot of the time I am. But here’s the thing...’ He leaned across the table as if he were going to whisper to her.
She followed his lead and bowed her head next to his as his face lit up with a wicked grin. ‘Many other places in the world do Christmas too. Sometimes in forty degrees. And if they don’t? Well, I can always take it with me.’
She sat back and shook her head, pointing her finger on the table. ‘Well, I don’t want a sunny Christmas or to be anywhere else. I like Christmas here. I like tacky Christmas songs. I really like it when it snows. I like Advent calendars, Christmas cards and—’ she winked at him ‘—I really like Christmas food.’
She spooned some of the cream into her mouth.
‘So do I,’ he said cheekily as he dug his spoon into her cream instead of his.
‘Hey!’
She gave his hand a playful slap. ‘Watch out, Riley. I bite, you know.’
His gaze met hers for a few seconds. He didn’t speak. Just kept staring at her. As if he were contemplating a whole host of things to say. A whole type of discussion she just couldn’t think about right now.
She broke their gaze and dug her spoon back into the cream.
‘About today,’ he started. She looked up. Work. This felt like safe territory.
‘You did everything right. There is always a risk of sudden deterioration in patients with neurogenic shock. It can happen at any point. You picked it up well.’
She sighed and leaned her head on her hand. The teasing and fun had finished, but that was fine. This was what they really should be talking about. ‘But he’s ventilated now. That can’t be good.’
Riley nodded. ‘It’s not great. It is a deterioration. Now, we need to monitor carefully in case he’s going into organ failure. He might not.’
She met his gaze. She felt sad. His emerald-green eyes were saying a whole lot of things that they weren’t discussing out loud. They both knew that things for Robert might not be good.
He leaned across and touched her hand. ‘You did everything you should.’
She stared down at his blunt cut fingernails. She should pull her hand back. Jerk it away. She wanted to. But somehow after the events earlier she wanted a few seconds of comfort.
She looked up again. ‘How is Finn?’ It was the question she should have asked immediately. It didn’t matter she was trying to step back and detach herself from the situation. She’d spent the last few days worrying about the little guy.
Riley took a long slow breath. ‘He’s not happy, but he’s not sad. He’s getting there. He’s met some school friends and the teacher says he’s fitting in well. They’re going to do some bereavement work at school with him because it’s still all so new.’ He stirred his hot chocolate. ‘He was crying in bed the other night.’
Her heart squeezed in her chest. ‘What did you do?’
He pressed his lips together. ‘I thought about it for about ten seconds. Then I climbed in next to him and just held him. What else could I do? I hate that he’s sad. I hate that this has happened to him. I know the upheaval must be awful. And my learning curve is steep.’
‘What have you done?’
A smile crept onto his lips. ‘Well, my fridge and freezer are now stocked with child-friendly foods. I never knew there were so many yogurts. Potatoes have to be mashed. Raisins have to be a particular brand and he’ll only eat Pink Lady apples.’
April smiled as she spooned marshmallows into her hot chocolate. ‘But that all sounds good. It sounds as though he’s settling.’
Riley nodded. ‘We’ve put up the pictures you brought from the house. It’s weird. Seeing Isabel all around me.’
He dropped his head and stopped speaking.
Something inside her lurched. A horrible feeling. Envy. Why on earth was she feeling that? It was so misplaced. So wrong. But it was definitely there. Maybe there had been more to the relationship than she’d initially thought. ‘So...do you miss her?’
He sighed; the pained expression on his face said it all. ‘That’s just it, April. I didn’t really know her that well. We only went out for a couple of months. I don’t have a million nice tales I can tell Finn about his mum. I don’t have a lot of memories. She was nice.’ He shrugged his shoulders. ‘How awful is that? That’s about as much as I have to say about her. Finn deserves more than that.’
She licked her lips for a second. She could see what he wasn’t saying. ‘You’re still angry.’
He pulled a face. ‘Inside, I am. But I hope I don’t show that around Finn. It’s just when I turn around Isabel seems to be staring me in the face.’ He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘And the family housing. It’s not ideal. You probably already know that. I need to find a place for us. A home.’
The way he said those words sent a little pang through her. Riley wanted to make a home with his son. Would she ever get to make a home with someone? Would anyone want to be in a relationship with a girl who could always have a cancer risk hanging over her head, and couldn’t have a family? It wouldn’t exactly make for a winning profile on a dating website. She cringed at the thought of it and focused back on Riley.
‘You can’t just jump out and buy the first thing you see.’
‘Can’t I? Why not? I can get a mortgage. I have enough money in the bank.’
‘But you don’t know if you’ll always be here. Another move might not be good for Finn.’
‘But what if it’s a permanent move?’
Riley Callaghan. Here permanently. Working together every day. She’d need to see his smiling face. Avoid his cheeky grins. Four weeks had been manageable—there had been an end date in sight. But for ever? How could she lock away the attraction she felt for him for ever?
She leaned back in her chair. ‘It’s a lot to think about.’ She glanced at the glass in front of her. ‘This must be a million cal
ories. You—’ she wagged her finger at him ‘—are a bad influence.’
He leaned forward. ‘Just call it a bribe.’
He had that grin on his face again. The one he used time and time again on the ward when he wanted to talk someone into something.
She pointed at the shortbread Christmas trees. ‘Am I going to need one of these?’
He pushed the whole plate before her and clasped his hands on the table. It seemed such a formal stance for Riley she almost laughed.
‘Thing is,’ he started seriously, ‘I appreciate all the arrangements you’ve made for me. I know doing something like that really goes above and beyond.’ He pointed at the hot chocolate and shortbread. ‘And these don’t count for that.’ He waved his hand. ‘I’ll get you something more appropriate.’ He leaned a little closer across the table. ‘But there’s something else.’
She shook her head and ignored the ‘more appropriate’ comment. Riley Callaghan was trying to sweet-talk her. ‘Don’t build it up, Riley. Just hit me with it.’
He did. ‘Finn.’
She narrowed her gaze. ‘What about Finn?’
He sighed. ‘I haven’t had that conversation yet—the one about the funeral. And I was hoping you might help me do it.’
She sat back again. But Riley kept going. ‘I’m still taking baby steps here. I don’t want to do anything wrong. And I could ask my mother, but then—’ he shook his head ‘—that would just open the floodgates for her to bulldoze all over us.’
‘Has your mother met Finn yet?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m holding her at bay. I’ve told her the social worker advised to give him a few days to settle.’
She opened her mouth. ‘You what?’
He held up his hand. ‘You haven’t met my mother—yet. Don’t judge.’
She folded her arms across her chest. ‘What exactly is it you want me to do, Riley? I’m not sure I should be getting involved. This is really something you and Finn should work through together.’
‘I’m scared.’
He said the words right out of the blue.
And she couldn’t catch her breath.
‘What if I make a mess of this, April? Do I say Finn’s too young to be at a funeral and everything should go on without him, or do I insist he attends when he really isn’t ready for it? Do I ask him what he wants to do? At five, how can he even know?’
Anguish and pain were written all over his face. She understood. What had happened on the ward today had just helped open the door for him. He wasn’t grieving for Isabel. He was grieving for his son.
‘I get that you’re scared, Riley. But this is your son. I think you need to have this conversation with him.’
He didn’t look any better. He turned a shortbread tree over and over in his hands before finally looking up through dark lashes and meeting her gaze. ‘He’s been asking for you.’
‘What?’
‘Finn. He’s asked where you were. I think because we brought him back together he’s expected to see you again.’
She gulped. The kid was five. He was confused. It wasn’t such a strange thought to have. ‘I don’t want to give him any mixed messages.’
‘What mixed messages? Aren’t we friends, April?’
She didn’t speak. Her brain was flooded with memories of her hands against his chest, his forehead next to hers. All things she didn’t need to remember. But they were annoying; they seemed to have seared their way into her brain and cemented themselves there.
She locked gazes with Riley. He’d asked if they were friends.
No. They weren’t. Being around Riley was making her feel things she didn’t want to. Didn’t need to. Life was hard right now. She was clear about her decision. She knew what her next steps would be. Getting involved with anyone would confuse things. They might want to talk. They might have an opinion. Somehow, already, she knew Riley would have an opinion. And she wasn’t ready for any of that. After Christmas her ovaries and fallopian tubes would be removed. It wasn’t a complete and utter guarantee that she would remain cancer-free, but when the odds were against her it was as good as it could be.
The image of Finn’s face clouded her thoughts. He was so like Riley.
It still made her ache. She was trying to stay so strong. But being around a kid as adorable as Finn had made all those children she would never have suddenly feel so real. All those grandkids her mum and dad would never have to entertain. She couldn’t help but pine for the life that would never be hers. She stared down at the shortbread Christmas tree. And Christmas made it seem just that little bit harder—because Christmas should be all about family.
She sucked in a breath. How dare she feel sorry for herself right now? The person she should be thinking about was Finn.
She met Riley’s gaze. Somehow he knew just when to keep quiet.
She took a deep breath. ‘I’ll come over tomorrow. I still haven’t arranged the flowers. I’ll ask Finn if he knows what his mum’s favourites were. Maybe if he can help pick something it will help that conversation get started.’ She pointed to the pile of paperwork. ‘The minister at the church is pretty modern. I told him I’d get back to him about music. If there is a particular song that Finn likes, maybe that’s the one to use? I asked Isabel’s friends. But they all had different ideas.’
Riley nodded. ‘Thank you. I mean that.’
She gave him a smile. ‘It’s okay.’
‘Is it? Until a few days ago we’d never really had a proper conversation. You always seemed to avoid me. When I saw you come into the pub the other night I thought...’ His voice tailed off.
‘You thought what?’
He shrugged. ‘I thought you might actually have come in to have a farewell drink. I thought you might have found it in your heart to be nice to me for five minutes.’
He was teasing her. She knew that. But his words seemed to strike a bit of a nerve. She had the feeling some of it might come from a little deeper.
And there was that little twisting feeling again. He might as well sell corkscrews from the way his words, his looks and his touch affected her.
‘I like to keep focused at work. These patients, they’ve been through enough. They need our full attention. They deserve it.’
He shook his head. ‘Oh, no. Don’t give me that. You engage perfectly with all the patients. It’s only me that gets the cold shoulder; don’t think I didn’t notice.’
There was a surge of heat into her cheeks. ‘Maybe you’re just hard to be around, Riley?’
She knew it was a deflection, and as he folded his arms and narrowed his gaze she also knew he wasn’t about to let her off.
‘So what is it? Why no chat? Why no friendly banter? You seem to do it enough with the patients.’
‘Maybe I just don’t like to mix work with pleasure.’
As soon as the words left her mouth she realised her mistake.
His eyes gleamed. ‘Oh, so I could be pleasure, could I?’
She shook her head and waved her hand. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Anyway, you servicemen, you come and go so often. You were only supposed to be covering for four weeks. It’s exhausting having to befriend new staff all the time. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy.’
His grin had spread from one ear to the other. It was clear he wasn’t listening any more. ‘So I’m exhausting, am I? I kinda like that.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
He nodded firmly. ‘You did.’
She sighed in exasperation. ‘It’s not all about you, Riley.’
She didn’t mean it quite to come out like that. But if he heard he didn’t react badly. The smile was still plastered across his face. He must have thought she was joking with him.
If only that were true. Her heart gave a little squeeze.
He glanced at his watch. ‘I’m sorry to cut and run but I need to go and get Finn. I don’t want to be late.’ He pulled his jacket from the back of the chair. ‘Thank you for your help with Finn. I mean it.’ Then he gave her a cheeky wink. ‘But it looks like I’m here to stay. Better get used to having me around.’
He disappeared out of the door into the snow as her heart gave a lurch.
Riley Callaghan here on a permanent basis.
This could be trouble.
CHAPTER FOUR
IN A WAY, the funeral went so much better than he ever could have expected.
The horrible conversation with Finn had turned out much easier than he could have hoped for. When April had come over to chat to Finn about flowers, Finn had asked outright if she would come to the funeral too.
It seemed that the thought of not being there hadn’t even occurred to Finn.
Isabel’s friends and workmates turned out in force. They all wore bright colours and sang along to the pop song that Finn had picked for his mum.
He was thankful they’d all attended. The decision to bury Isabel here instead of Birmingham had been a difficult one. But Riley and Finn would be the ones who tended her grave, and he didn’t want to have to travel every time Finn wanted to visit.
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