‘What happened?’
He shook his head. ‘Apparently a deer ran across the road. Who knows where it came from.’
April turned around and bent down to watch the cheese on toast as it started to bubble. A few seconds later she slid the grill pan out and lifted the toast onto plates.
Riley was watching her carefully as she sat down opposite him. She could tell straight away that something was bothering him.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Thank you for picking up Finn and looking after him.’ His bright green eyes were fixed on hers with an intensity she hadn’t expected.
‘No problem.’ She looked at the cheese on toast. He hadn’t started eating yet.
She could see his tongue pressed into the side of his cheek, as if he were contemplating saying something.
‘What?’
He met her gaze with those green eyes. ‘I didn’t have anyone else to call.’
She shifted in her chair. ‘So?’
He was still nursing the coffee cup in his hand. ‘That’s just it. I didn’t have someone else to call for Finn.’
She wasn’t quite sure where this was going but her skin prickled. ‘But you called me, I picked him up, everything was fine.’
He shook his head. ‘But it’s not right. Finn should have more family than me. I should have more people around him.’
Her stomach started to churn. ‘But you have your mum and dad. Didn’t you say your mum wanted to move closer?’
He ran his fingers through his hair. She took a bite of her cheese on toast. She wasn’t going to wait any longer.
‘That’s just it. I made a decision today.’
Uh-oh. This sounded serious. She swallowed quickly. ‘What?’
He shook his head. ‘I can’t leave Finn. I just can’t. Today, when I couldn’t get to him, it made me re-evaluate everything. I’m going to speak to the Colonel. He’s arranged things for me on a temporary basis. But I need to plan ahead.’
She gave a slow nod. ‘You got a fright, Riley. That’s understandable. It was unusual circumstances.’ She gave him a smile. ‘It’s your first time in this situation as a dad. It will feel different.’
Riley was staring at his cheese on toast. It was as if it were easier to look at that than to look at April. ‘Being a doctor, being in the army. It’s all been about me. That has to stop. That has to change. I can’t take an overseas posting again. Those days are gone. What happened if I was in Sierra Leone and Finn took ill? Who would take care of him?’
April had been about to take another bite and she froze, not quite sure where he was going next. Was he about to suggest her?
Please don’t suggest me.
But Riley shook his head again. ‘No. That’s it. I’m done. I have to look for something else. Something that will suit Finn.’
She frowned, part of her brain so mixed up about this whole conversation. ‘It doesn’t matter what you do, Riley. There will always be days when you’re not available. Maybe you just need to set up some kind of contingency plan?’
‘Maybe I just need to have a look at my life and wonder how I got here.’
His tone had changed and she jerked her head up.
‘What does that mean?’
‘What kind of guy am I, that a girl I went out with for two months fell pregnant and didn’t feel the urge to let me know? She didn’t even seem to want my name on the birth certificate. No financial support. Nothing.’
These thoughts had already shot through her brain. But she shook her head. ‘I can’t speak for Isabel. I have no idea what she was thinking about. But she did leave a will. And she named you as the person to have Finn. If she thought so badly of you, she would never have done that.’
‘Maybe she didn’t have any other options? Isabel didn’t have siblings, and her mum and dad were dead.’ He said the words bitterly.
But April could think a bit clearer. ‘No. She did have other options. One of her friends at the funeral said they’d offered to take Finn if something had happened. They’d had a drunken conversation once. But apparently Isabel said she’d made plans for Finn and she knew it was the right thing. She did have confidence in you, Riley. Even if you never had that conversation.’
There was silence for a few seconds. Then he kept going. ‘April, how well do we know each other?’
He was jumping all over the place. She was going from confused to bewildered. ‘Well...not very.’ She hated saying that. It seemed odd. She’d been there when he’d found out about his child. She’d gone with him to his first meeting with his son. And now today, she’d been the person to cradle and hold Finn while he’d cried about his mother.
He set down the cup and drummed his fingers on the table. ‘That’s just it. How well did I know Isabel?’
She choked. ‘Somehow I don’t think it’s the same thing.’
He gave the slightest shake of his head. ‘But it is. What am I going to be able to tell Finn about his mum? I hear what you’re saying but it still seems unreal. Why didn’t she tell me about Finn? Did she think I was some kind of deadbeat? Some kind of unreliable guy that wouldn’t pull his weight?’
She didn’t even know how to start to answer that question. She shook her head gently. ‘Maybe she was just an independent woman. Maybe getting pregnant was accidental; maybe it wasn’t. Maybe she’d reached a stage in her life where she wanted to have a child and didn’t want any complications.’
His gaze completely narrowed. He looked horrified. ‘A complication? That’s what I am? I’m his father!’ His voice had risen in pitch and she shook her head and glanced through to Finn’s sleeping form on the sofa.
‘Shh. I know that. You’re asking me to make guesses about someone I never even met. How can I do that? I have no idea what was going through Isabel’s mind. How can I?’ She took a deep breath. ‘Somehow I don’t think she’d write you off as a deadbeat. You’re a doctor, Riley. It’s hardly a deadbeat career. But maybe she thought if she told you that you might be angry with her. You said you were focused on your career. Maybe she knew that?’
He ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes. ‘But I’ve missed five years of my son’s life. I’ve missed so much. I didn’t hear his first word. I didn’t see his first steps.’ He shook his head again. ‘I wasn’t bad to Isabel. Why wouldn’t she tell me?’
April ran her tongue along her lips. She could see his anguish. See how distraught he was about all this. The tiny fleeting thought she’d had a few months back entered her mind again. She’d considered going out and trying to get pregnant. It had been the briefest thought. A moment of madness. She could have done to some random stranger what Isabel had done to Riley.
‘I have no idea about any of this, Riley. It’s horrible. I know that. But this isn’t about you. This is about Finn. You have to put all this aside. You can’t let Finn know that you’re angry at his mother. You can’t let him see this resentment. Isabel obviously didn’t need financial support from you.’ She paused; something he’d said had just struck her. ‘Your name—it isn’t on Finn’s birth certificate, is it?’
There was a real sadness, a weariness about him. ‘No. I had a discussion with the social worker. The will was clear. That’s why Finn is with me. But if I want to get my name on his birth certificate, there will need to be a DNA test and it will go through court. It’s just a formality. But it will also help if I want to change Finn’s name. Right now he’s still Finn Porter. He should be Finn Callaghan.’ He pushed the coffee cup away from him. ‘This is such a mess, April. I want to do everything right. But I can’t make up for five lost years. And the truth is I’m never going to get over that.’
She ached for him—she really did. Riley was a good man. The kind of man she’d spent part of her life searching for. But now that she’d found him?
It wasn’t the
right time. For either of them. And that made her sad. If she blinked she could imagine meeting him five years ago—when Isabel had. Before she’d known about her genetic heritage, before she’d lost her sister. When the world had still looked bright and shiny. Riley would have fitted in well.
If Finn was their child, would she have told him?
Of course she would have. She knew that with certainty.
But today she’d been overwhelmed by her motherly feelings towards Finn. They’d made her realise exactly what she was missing. Exactly what she would never be. And she wasn’t ready for that. Not right now.
‘You have to stop thinking about what you’ve lost, Riley.’ She reached across the table and let her fingers brush against his. ‘You have to start thinking about what you’ve gained. And that’s the best little boy in the world.’ She licked her lips again and prayed her voice wouldn’t shake. Because she meant that—she truly did. ‘Some people don’t ever get that far. They never get that chance, no matter how much they want it. Count your blessings.’
He looked up sharply, his gaze melding with hers. She knew she’d revealed part of herself that she hadn’t meant to. It was only words. And she hadn’t actually told him anything. But Riley was a doctor. A good doctor. He would pick up on the words she wasn’t saying.
He spoke carefully. ‘You’re right. Of course you’re right. If someone had told me a few weeks ago how much my life could change...’ His voice tailed off as he looked through at Finn.
Her heart swelled against her chest. A few weeks ago she would have said that Riley Callaghan was a cheeky charmer—a flirt, with good looks to match. It was part of the reason she’d kept her distance. She didn’t want the pull; she didn’t want the attraction. She had enough going on in her life.
But there was so much more to him. He was changing before her eyes. Watching him take these first few steps as a parent was enlightening. It was revealing more and more of the man to her. Was she really prepared for this?
‘I need to sort things out. I need to make plans. Get things in place.’ His voice cut through her thoughts.
She gave him a smile but his face was serious. ‘And that starts with you, April.’
‘What?’ She sat forward in her chair.
He gestured towards her. ‘You did me an enormous favour today. And there’s always a chance I might ask it of you again. If that’s okay with you, of course.’
She nodded automatically before she really had time to think about it. Her brain was screaming No at her. But her heart had overruled her head in milliseconds.
Caution still niggled at her. Once she agreed a surgery date she’d be in hospital for a few days. She might not be able to drive for a few weeks after. She chose her words carefully. ‘Do you really think that’s a good idea? It’s really important right now that you and Finn get a chance to bond. I think me being around could complicate matters.’ She was trying to steal herself away in the easiest way possible.
Riley didn’t seem to pick up on her cautionary words.
He held up his hands and looked around. ‘I’m only asking you to be a second contact for Finn in case of emergency. Situations like today are unlikely to happen again. I just need a second number. You can do that, can’t you? I think it’s most important for Finn right now to be around people he can trust. Isn’t it?’
She swallowed. When he said it out loud it made perfect sense. If she argued now it would make her look petty and small, and it might mean that Riley would ask more difficult questions. She gave a brief nod. ‘Okay, fine. You’ve got my number. You can use it.’
He smiled. ‘Perfect, thank you.’ Then he looked around. ‘Since I’m trusting you with my son, I think we should get to know each other a little better. I’ve never been in here before. I only knew where you live because you came with me to pick up Finn. I feel as if I’m doing this all back to front.’
She shook her head. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Okay. Tell me something about yourself. You picked up Finn today because you were the one person I could think of to phone—to trust with my child. But are we really even friends?’
Her stomach coiled. He was right. How well did they really know each other? What kind of movies did he like? What kind of food? Instinctively she felt as if Riley needed a giant bear hug. A simple show of affection because he’d had a bad day and was feeling so confused about things. That was the kind of thing you would do for a loved one—or for a friend.
But there was a prickliness to him. An edge. As if he just didn’t know where he was in this life.
She recognised it because she’d worn it herself for so long.
It was almost like staring into a mirror and it made her heart flip over. Because, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself, she didn’t think of Riley as a friend. It felt like so much more.
‘I...I...think we’re friends,’ she said hesitantly, almost as if she were trying the word out for size. Why was that? Was it because saying she was Riley’s ‘friend’ out loud didn’t seem quite adequate?
He gave a nod. ‘I would say so too. But we have gaps. We have bits missing.’ He gave the tiniest wince. He already knew she hadn’t talked about her sister much. Was he going to try to push her to talk more?
But he didn’t. He just held up his hand towards her. ‘Tell me something—’ he paused ‘—not related to work. For example—’ he frowned, as if trying to think of something himself ‘—tell me something most people wouldn’t know about you. Like when I was a kid—’ he put his hand on his chest and looked a bit sheepish ‘—I caused a panic on a beach once by saying I’d seen a shark. Truth was, I didn’t want to swim in the sea but didn’t want my brother to know.’
Her mouth fell open. ‘What?’ She wrinkled her brow and leaned forward. ‘Riley Callaghan, were you scared?’
He winked. ‘My lips are sealed. I’ll never tell. Now, your turn.’
She racked her brain for something equally odd. It was hard being put on the spot. After a few seconds something came to mind. ‘Okay, I once tried to steal a chocolate bar from a shop. But I chickened out when my sister saw me.’
From the expression on his face that was the last thing he’d expected. He leaned forward. ‘You? Really?’
Now she felt ridiculous. Where on earth had that come from?
She just nodded.
‘Why?’
She threw up her hands. ‘I don’t know. I just wanted it, I suppose.’
Riley shook his head. ‘What age were you?’ He wasn’t going to let this go.
‘Five,’ she snapped.
Now, he laughed. ‘Okay, that was random...and unexpected.’ His hand crept towards the now cold cheese on toast. ‘Tell me about your sister?’
Her skin prickled. ‘What about her?’
‘Let’s start with her name.’
She wanted to change the subject. Her brain started thinking of random questions to throw at him.
Who was the first girl you slept with? was the one that danced around inside her head. But she didn’t want to ask that. She didn’t want to know that.
She imagined herself pulling on her big-girl pants.
‘Mallory’ was what she finally said.
He looked thoughtful. ‘April and Mallory. Nice names, quite unusual.’
She nodded. ‘My mother thought so. She picked April and my dad picked Mallory.’
‘Ah, so they took turns? Interesting.’
She opened her mouth to say no. Then stopped. She hadn’t told him Mallory was her twin. And she didn’t want to. Not when she could guess where this conversation might lead.
‘So you said that Mallory died eighteen months ago. I’m sorry. What happened?’
This was the second time he’d asked her. She tried not to let her voice shake, but she certai
nly couldn’t meet his gaze. ‘Mallory had cancer.’
‘Oh. That’s terrible. What kind?’
He hadn’t missed a beat. She squeezed her eyes closed, just for a millisecond. He couldn’t know the rest of what was going on in her head. He couldn’t know the connections.
‘Ovarian cancer,’ she said quickly. ‘She was unlucky.’
He pulled back a little. ‘She was young.’
‘Lots of people die young. It’s a fact of life. Look at Isabel.’
It was a little bit cruel to turn it back around. But she needed to. She didn’t want to have this conversation at all.
All it was doing was reinforcing the gulf that was between them. How far apart they really were.
The dreams of motherhood she’d felt earlier while looking at Finn? She had to push them away for now. Her stomach gave another twinge.
That was a few times that had happened now. What if it was...something?
It was as if the temperature had just plummeted in her flat to freezing. One hand went automatically to her arm, rubbing up and down.
She was being ridiculous. It was nothing. Surgery was to be scheduled in the New Year. She always experienced painful periods. She often experienced ovulation pain too. It was just that. It must be.
Riley tilted his head and looked at her curiously—maybe even with a little disappointment. ‘I guess you’re right. It’s still sad. For all parties.’
‘I know.’ It was a blunt response. But she just didn’t want to go down this road.
He sucked in a deep breath. ‘I’m going to be staying. I’m going to be staying at Waterloo Court for now and thinking about other options. We could be working together for a long time.’
A Family Made at Christmas Page 10