I tell him something I’ve never shared with another living soul.
I’ve had a few angry words with a dead one mind.
Oh, the stories I could tell!
And I do.
‘There was a time…’ I look over to him and my face is on fire. ‘After I had Alice, I lost a lot of weight. I really wanted my marriage to work, I’d have done anything to save it.’
He looks at me, his eyes tell me I can go on.
I can’t.
I am starting to cry.
‘Gloria?’
‘We went to a dinner party…’ My eyes are screwed closed and I am so ashamed, so ashamed and I cannot do this. ‘At the end of the night….’ I go to climb off the bed but Paul holds my arm. ‘There was just us and Greg and Shirley - Greg’s the MD. He’d told me before we went out that we needed to impress him, that I needed to behave.’ I don’t want to do this – I don’t want to re-live this, except I am. ‘They had one of those heated outdoor spa things.’ I open my eyes and I watch Paul as I tell him. ‘Shirley said it didn’t matter if I didn’t have a bikini and they were already in the water. I just went in in my bra and knickers…’
He’s still looking at me.
‘Shirley started talking about my weight loss, how great my figure was, how nice my breasts looked. Then she started feeling them. He told me take off my bra and, when I didn’t, Shirley did it for me.’
I know that Paul thinks this sort of stuff is disgusting and I do too – I’m disgusted by that time.
‘When I didn’t want to play with Shirley,’ I just tell Paul what happened. ‘He did.’
‘And Greg?’
I just lie there and I remember it, I remember how I’d have done anything to save my marriage, and so I did.
I was screwed by the MD because I didn’t have the guts to get up and leave.
I’m more ashamed of that, than what happened.
‘It was his sodding fantasy, not mine,’ I say. ‘But I did it – I went along with it…’
I tell him how excruciating work things were for me after that, how I needed five Bacardi’s and cokes just to get through them.
He holds me as I cry and, when I’ve calmed down, he’s still holding me, and then he kisses me.
He isn’t turned on by the story; he’s just turned on by me.
He knows me now.
Someone knows.
The person that matters the most in the world to me, actually knows my truth.
And the nicest thing of all is, he’s still here.
CHAPTER FORTY NINE
Lucy
I see the flash of the speed camera and I don't even blink, I don't care, I don't slow down–I have to get to her!
I feel like I did when I came home and saw the police car and ambulance, except I don’t want to slow down this time. I just want to get to her. There’s this panic inside and I want to be wrong. I want to have misheard, to have misunderstood. I want to have got it all wrong. I pull into their driveway and I'm shaking. Jess must have been looking out for me because I don't even ring the bell before the door opens. I know as soon as I see her that I didn't mishear and I didn’t misunderstand.
Luke’s left her.
‘It's okay!’ I put my arms around her. I can't really make out what's gone on, she's ranting and crying and any hopes that they’ve just had a major row are fading.
I mean that, I promise you that, because yes I’ve got a thing for Luke, you know that I do, so I cannot deny. If I've harboured any thoughts about them breaking up I'm ashamed of them, I’ve tried not to have them, but when I did (and judge me if you feel you have to but I’m just trying to be honest here) it was the other way round. It was Jess leaving him, because in my complicated, perfect fantasy, Jess didn't get hurt.
She's hurting so badly now.
She's this raw body of pain, like some multiple injury patient and I don't know where to touch her that won’t make it worse. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. I feel helpless, yet I feel responsible; not responsible in the way that it's my fault (I’ll deal with that later), instead it's a grown-up responsible feeling. I know that it's my turn to take care of her, to look after her as she looked after me.
She tells me, in between glasses of water and tea and cigarettes (she drove to the garage at two am and got some – I’ve never seen her smoke). Slowly it comes out – not neatly, I have to jiggle all the pieces to work things out.
‘There isn’t anyone else,’ she shakes her head. ‘I know that’s what they all say, but I know Luke. He’d never cheat but that just makes it worse.’ She’s folding over in pain. ‘It’s just me he doesn’t want…’
‘No,’ I say. ‘No.’
Then she runs out of fags and I go and get some and I change the rules.
I smoke on the days of my husband’s funeral and on the day Jess’s husband leaves.
‘I thought maybe he was a bit depressed, I mean, since…’ and she looks at me and pauses, she doesn’t know how raw my wound is but I’m not hurting for me today.
‘He lost his best friend,’ I say, because sometimes you forget that, all the people who are propping you up when you’re grieving have lost someone too. ‘Maybe he is depressed.’
‘It was before that,’ she tells me.
There is an honest appraisal then.
The one that comes when you're at your lowest, before the lawyers and family and friends step in, before everybody pumps you up and convinces you he’s a bastard and that you did nothing wrong. There is a window and Jess is staring through it now and looking at her marriage and she’s looking through it with me.
‘It was before he died. It started going wrong in the New Year.’ Jess says. ‘I know he’s dark, I know he doesn’t exactly share his feelings; I’ve known that from the start. We’ve been rowing a lot lately… I’ve been storming back home to Wales.’
I think of that night and the real reason that they didn’t come around. I just never thought they were in trouble.
‘Jess,’ I put my arm around her. ‘All marriages struggle…’ and then I feel tension in her shoulders, and then, when her face turns to mine, she’s angry, but a different angry now. She’s angry with me and she doesn’t care about raw wounds now.
Here’s another thing they don’t tell you when you marry that man that already was when you met him.
There are so many curses to being a mistress and I’m served one now.
‘Is there something going on between the two of you, Lucy?’
I just stare at her stunned.
‘Because he’s round there all the fucking time.’
‘Doing paperwork.’
‘I mean it Lucy, I want to know.’
‘No.’
‘As if you’d tell me anyway.’ Her face contorts.
‘I wouldn’t do that to you, Jess. I would never break up…’
‘Well, it’s never stopped you before.’
She breaks down, she just starts sobbing and saying she’s sorry and I just sit there wishing I were numb, because yep, Karma can be a bitch at times.
‘I’m sorry, Lucy.’
‘Forget it.’ I close my eyes, because I have to forget that, she’s my friend and I love her and she’s done so much for me and my arm is back around her.
‘I can’t do this Lucy,’ she’s crying. ‘I can’t do this.’
‘You can,’ I tell her and then I shut up, because I need to listen and not talk. I love Jess and everything and she’s been so good to me, but that night when she had her accident, when I told her I wasn’t strong enough, that I was falling apart… I was.
I really was.
If I ever say those words to Jess again, I want her to act differently next time.
I want her to listen.
I want her to know that when someone says they can’t do this, maybe for a little while – they can’t!
‘You’re coming home with me.’
It’s one of the good things about not having him there �
� I don’t have to ring and check if it’s okay and we won’t have to worry how long she stays, or if she’s getting in the way. The choice is entirely mine and I make it.
‘I’ll go and pack for you.’
‘No,’ she says. ‘He might ring.’ She’s a mess. ‘He might come back…’
‘He might,’ I say. ‘But you won’t be sitting at home waiting for him.’
Charlotte is wonderful.
When I pick her up from school I’m worried how she’s going to take it, if it’s another crisis she really doesn’t need –she loves Luke and Jess so much but she is, in fact, wonderful. She goes and sits on Jess’s knee and gives her a cuddle and then she shares a sort of yikes look with me and we have a little smile.
‘Jess will be okay.’ I tell her, when I say goodnight to Charlotte.
‘When?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m never getting married.’
I give her a smile.
‘I mean it.’
‘Good,’ I say.
I pick up the hall phone a bit later and Luke’s on the other end asking about Jess, and is she okay, and I know you shouldn’t take sides, I know (and yes, I know you know) how I feel about Luke, but this has nothing do with it.
‘How do you think she is?’ I say and I hang up.
CHAPTER FIFTY
‘Why did you stay, Lucy?’
I’ve just told the grief counsellor about all the affairs.
I’ve just gone through my marriage, through our life.
I’ve told Denise the lot.
I even told her about my foursome fantasy and how ashamed of that I am, how I didn’t even like it, so why was I thinking it?
‘Who knows?’ She smiles. She doesn’t seem shocked. She’s not even shocked when I tell her about Luke. Nor when I tell her the things Jess said.
She was, I think, a bit shocked, but trying to hide it when I told her some of my childhood stuff but we’re not talking about that now.
Today we’re talking about his affairs, today she’s asking me why I stayed.
‘Charlotte,’ I say. ‘Though I liked the lifestyle too,’ I admit. ‘I liked the things I could give her and I didn’t want to be like my mum.’
‘Did you ever have an affair?’
I shake my head.
‘Never?’ Denise checks. ‘Even though you knew that he was sleeping around?’
‘No,’ I tell her. ‘Honestly, I never even thought about having an affair…’ and then I look at her and my face is burning and I am trying to tell the truth. ‘Actually, right near the end of it, I did start thinking I might have one…’
‘With?’
‘No-one,’ I say. ‘I wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular.’ I just sit there and think for a moment. ‘I just wanted there to be more.’
‘More what?’ Denise asks.
I don’t know the answer but instead of avoiding, I’m trying to find it.
‘I was just…’ I close my eyes as I look at that time; I was like a bucket with holes that could no longer be filled with the meaningless. I take a deep breath and I tell Denise the truth. ‘I was just getting more and more fed up with my life.’
With my perfect life.
With the life I so badly wanted for Charlotte.
But it was starting to not be enough for me.
CHAPTER FIFTY ONE
There’ll be no amicable divorce with Jess.
She’s amazing!
There’s four weeks of mourning, where she works mainly from home (mine) because she can’t face the office. It works out great because she’s there for Charlotte in the holidays. Then, after about a month of watching movies with me on the sofa at night and breakfast in bed by day, she suddenly turns the corner.
The very day I’m about to suggest that she sees her GP and maybe go on the happy tabs, I come home from work and she’s dressed in a tight black skirt and black top and she’s off to see a lawyer she tells me.
Her Welsh accent is getting stronger by the minute because she’s on the phone all the time to her sisters in Wales. I’ve got a fiery Catherine Zeta Jones sitting at my breakfast bench and she’s going to take him for all he’s got and boyo, yes, she’s going out on Friday.
‘Fuck him,’ she says, but it sounds sexier with a Welsh accent. ‘We’ll go out. Come on Lucy,’ she says when I wrinkle my nose. ‘You need to get back out there.’
But I like it in here.
I am boring – I’m finding out that I really am. I love being home and I love having someone to sit and watch movies with and I’d love to have someone to walk round furniture shops with, but I don’t want to do the first bit – do you know what I mean?
‘Well, he’s out shagging.’ Jess says, because she has it on good authority that Luke is. ‘He’s out celebrating his freedom…’
She really is amazing.
I can see that she’s ready to move on and I’m jealous of her resilience.
I am.
How she can put her heart back out there?
How she can just move on?
I used to be like that.
One relationship ended and I was straight into the next, I had a new one lined up before I left sometimes.
Then I met him and I thought I’d hit the jackpot.
God, I even manage a smile at myself, at how, after he died, I thought I’d just go out and get another one.
I know that I need to be on my own.
For the first time I want to be on my own.
Or rather, just Charlotte and me.
I get Charlotte’s uniform ready for tomorrow.
We’ve had to get new shoes and a new winter skirt because she’s grown so much over summer.
The school fees will start thudding in soon and I shouldn’t be panicked because I can pay them.
For now.
It really is a tiny mortgage that Luke got me.
I don’t think it will even see out the year.
CHAPTER FIFTY TWO
Gloria
‘You’re all done, Charlotte!’ Noel holds a mirror up to her teeth. He’s given them a lovely polish and she has a look and she gives him a shy smile and then thanks him.
She’s such a polite little thing.
Noel gives Daisy a kiss and a cuddle and then hands her back to me.
He adores Daisy.
Their marriage is all the stronger for her.
Who’d have thought!
Charlotte’s very quiet as I drive her back to her mum’s.
Maybe she feels like me.
I’m going to miss seeing her.
‘We should Skype,’ I say, because I’m getting quite good at it now. ‘And we’ll have to arrange a day for you to come and play with Daisy.’
She nods.
‘How’s Mum?’
‘She’s okay,’ Charlotte says. ‘She misses Jess, I think.’
That’s right, Jess went back to Wales. I must ring Luke, I must, but I just don’t know what to say.
I always thought he and Jess were so happy.
I guess you never know.
‘How’s school?’ I ask and Charlotte shrugs. ‘It’s half term in a couple of weeks,’ I say. ‘It will be Christmas before you know it.’
She doesn’t really say anything, and I give in trying.
It’s starting to rain, so I put on my headlights and turn the radio on and I wonder if I should mention that she seems a bit low to Lucy.
I wonder if it’s my place.
Or maybe there’s a problem with Lucy.
God.
Maybe she’s hitting the ice cream again!
She doesn’t look as if she is.
She’s back to slim and lovely when she answers the door.
‘Wow!’ She gives a bright smile to Charlotte. ‘They look wonderful!’ Not that Charlotte shows her her teeth, she just brushes past her and Lucy calls her back. ‘Say thank you to Gloria.’
‘Thank you.’ Charlotte calls and Luc
y gives a sort of embarrassed shrug to me.
‘Sorry,’ Lucy says. ‘She’s a bit….’
Lucy doesn’t elaborate.
I want her to.
I want to know what’s going on.
I want Lucy to confide in me.
Of course though, she won’t.
Just as I would never confide in her.
We’re not friends you see.
Except, sometimes I’d like to know how she does it. I can smell dinner and she’s got mascara on and lipstick and she’s lost all her weight. I look at Lucy and she is amazing, just a few months ago she was at the lowest of lows and now look at her!
She just keeps on bouncing back.
I’m jealous of her eating disorder.
I know that sounds horrible, but I am. I’m just fat, I just eat, I’m just lazy and I eat. Lucy controls it and when she can’t… well it’s just all so spectacular, all flashing lights and drama. I just smother too many pieces of toast with peanut butter and I would love to talk to her about it.
‘Thank you so much for all of this,’ Lucy says. ‘It’s so good that she’s got her teeth sorted.’
Then I remember why I’m the one who’s been taking Charlotte.
I remember her snogging my son in law on this very spot and no…
…we can never be friends.
CHAPTER FIFTY THREE
Lucy
I actually like shopping.
Not for myself, I still hate that.
I am so glad that I went back to shopping online. I could think of nothing worse than picking Charlotte up from school on these dark autumn nights and making a mad dash to the supermarket.
Charlotte.
I pause mid aisle and I don’t know what to do.
I want her to see Denise, the grief counsellor, but she refuses to go.
I tried to talk to her again last night and she told me to fuck off.
Charlotte.
I probably should have told her off, but I was more shocked than cross.
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