Its jaws opened, and as I saw its fingers, I knew it meant to reach in and pluck me out. I smashed into its skull with my sword. Only, like with the creature’s skin, my blow just bounced off. That made sense. After all, I’d blasted it at point-blank range, and it wasn’t so much as smudged.
As its fingers came in, I slid backward, trying to escape it, and as I did, I thought of something. The creature’s weak spot was supposed to be at the base of its neck.
I whirled around, sliding down its gullet once more as its fingers pressed back into the darkness. The whole of its body rumbled as it triggered its gag reflex.
“Fuck!” I muttered as its throat seemed to split below me into twin tubes. Did one lead to the stomach and the other to the lungs? I wasn’t sure, both because I barely knew anatomy, and I had no idea how the inside of a titan worked.
Either way, I didn’t care because in front of me was a glowing bit of flesh the color of day-old sludge. I wasn’t sure what it was, or if this was the weak spot, but either way, I was instituting a new rule of thumb. When in doubt, hack at the glowing thing.
I lashed out with Caliburn, driving the blade to the hilt into the glowing bit of flesh. Blood exploded out of the wound, coating me from head to toe, in hot, sticky gunk as the entire creature spasmed. Then I was falling.
As the creature disintegrated all around me, I slammed into the grating with bone-shuddering force. It was open, and as I saw tentacles writing from the two-meter-wide opening, I instinctively curled back. Only they too were dissolving into mist.
33
“Well, this has been fun,” Sathanus said, sidling over to me as I picked myself up and dusted myself off. “Next time you need something, call someone else.”
“Thanks for your help, Sathanus,” I said, nodding to the archangel. “You really saved us.”
“Yes, thank you, dwarf. Your skills are most impressive,” Galahad agreed.
“I barely did anything more than provide a distraction.” The Archangel of Wrath stroked her beard. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got things to do.” She stood there looking confused.
“Okay,” I said, waving to her. “Thanks for coming.”
“It’s not working,” she said, concern filling her voice. “I just tried to teleport back, but something is keeping me here.” She glared at me. “If I’m trapped here forever, I will rip out your spleen through your dick.”
“You don’t even know where my spleen is,” I said, hoping we weren’t trapped here because I didn’t see any obvious exit in the room. If there was nowhere to go and she couldn’t teleport… well.
“It’s in the upper left quadrant of your abdomen.” She poked me hard in the tummy. “Right there.”
“Man, I felt that all the way up my arm,” I said, taking a step backward and raising my hands defensively. “I’m sure there’s a way out of here.”
“There better be.” Sathanus glared at me.
“My liege, come hither. The monster has dropped something.” Galahad stood a few feet away pointing at what looked like a broken piece of sword.
There was a stat icon over it, so I did my thing.
Blade of Strange Girdles
Type: Longsword
Durability: 0/11,000*
Enchantments: Godly Focus*
“Hmm,” I said, staring at the menu. “It’s got some kind of ability, but its durability has been worn down…”
“Wow,” Sathanus said, rolling her eyes at me. “The entire hilt of the thing is missing, and you could tell it was broken? Impressive.”
“Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that,” I said, scanning the note next to the durability. “It’s actually in three separate pieces. So it’s not just broken, it needs all three to be fixed. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with that blade I guess.”
“Other than it’s broken?” Sathanus snorted. “As I said. Really helpful.”
“What does the ability do, my liege?” Galahad hefted the piece of blade. “It feels very powerful. If we were to forge it once more, I believe it could be quite formidable.”
“Right, sorry.” I opened the enchantment Godly Focus.
Godly Focus – For those worthy enough to draw the Sword of Strange Girdles from its sheath, they will gain the ability to accomplish any task, no matter difficult. However, those deemed unworthy will be instantly destroyed by drawing it.
*Note – This ability will not take effect unless drawn from set piece Memory of Blood.
“Well, that sucks,” I mumbled, before telling them what it’d said.
“So, it would seem we must quest for the remaining pieces as well as the scabbard.” Galahad nodded. “Perhaps it is here? Mayhap the weapon was broken by the titan?”
“It’s worth a look,” I said, looking around hopelessly. Pretty much the only thing in the room was the bone pile, and the odds of finding something within it seemed, well… a needle might have been easier.
Then again, I was the builder, right?
I walked over to the pile, and opened the tooltip. I soon found, much to my chagrin, that every single item in it was categorized. I glanced through the list for a second before finding what I was looking for. Pulling the bone free of the pile, I examined it.
Papagustes
Type: Bone
Durability: 0/11,000*
Enchantments: Flesh of the Serpent
“You’re in luck,” I said, holding the piece of bone up. It sort of like the cross braces of a sword. “I guess this bone is part of it. The thing even has an ability.”
Flesh of the Serpent – This ability allows the holder to resist excessive heat.
“It would seem so,” Galahad replied, taking it from me, only as he tried to fit it to the sword, I could tell it wouldn’t work. “It seems we are missing the other cross brace.”
I nodded at turned back toward the bone pile. After all, it didn’t help to look. Still, it took me scanning through nearly each and every bone before I found it.
Ertanax
Type: Bone
Durability: 0/11,000*
Enchantments: Endless Struggle
“Here you go, Galahad.” I gave him the next piece. “It also has an ability.”
Endless Struggle – This ability allows the holder to never grow tired.
As Galahad took the piece, he laid it on the ground next two the blade and Papagustes. Then, he slowly tried to fit them together. As he did, the sword began to glow with all the colors I’d ever seen, and as I watched, it solidified into a blade with a handle of bone.
Sword of Strange Girdles
Type: Longsword
Durability: 33,000/33,000
Damage: 2D20
Enchantments: Flesh of the Serpent, Endless Struggle, Godly Focus*
“Tis quite amazing, my liege,” Galahad said, picking up the sword, and as he did, it glowed even brighter. He brought it over and offered it to me.
“Why don’t you keep it? I already have a magic sword.” I gestured at him with Caliburn. “I don’t need two.”
“Are you sure, my liege? This sword feels much too powerful for me to rightly keep it.” Galahad swung the weapon tentatively through the air, and as he did, the far wall opened, sliding up into the ceiling to reveal a passageway.
“I’m sure.” I nodded toward the opening. “Seems like you’ve got the magic touch.”
Galahad looked down at his shoes. “Thank you, my liege. Your words make me joyous.” Only he didn’t look joyous. He looked embarrassed.
“Well, let’s go then,” Sathanus said, moving toward the passage. “As much as I like you both, which I don’t really, I would like to get back. I had things to do.” She sighed. “Lucifer is going to be pissed when she finds out I wasn’t busy quelling the dwarven rebellion.”
“There’s a dwarven rebellion?” I asked, following her toward the new passageway.
“Yeah, but it’s like ninety percent crushed.” Sathanus shrugged. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”
&nbs
p; “Do I want to know why there is a dwarven rebellion?” I said as the passage opened up to reveal a massive room that was more or less identical to the one we’d come with, except it didn’t have grating. It did, however, have a pedestal in the middle, but from where I stood, I couldn’t make out what was on it.
“No.” She shook her head. “Better if you don’t. Just know that when Lucifer asks, I’m throwing you under the bus.”
“All right,” I said as Galahad joined us in the room. The sword in his hand began to glow, and as it did, a matching glow came from the pedestal. Then, before I realized what was happening, the sword tore from Galahad’s grip and spiraled across the room.
My eyes opened in shock as a wooden scabbard wrapped in crimson serpent skin rose into the air to catch the blade. Then the now sheathed weapon settled back onto the pedestal like it was daring us to take it.
“What should we do about that?” Sathanus asked, and before I could tell her that I had no fucking idea, Galahad strode into the room.
“Tis my sword, my liege. I will check it.” He swallowed hard, and I realized that while he was scared, he was trying to put on a brave face.
“We can all check it together,” I said, moving to follow him, but before I could Sathanus stopped me.
“No. If that thing explodes, I don’t want you anywhere near it.” The dwarf spoke so quietly that only I could hear her, but as she said it, I remembered what Galahad had told me earlier about him being expendable. Was that why he’d decided to go get the sword?
“Maybe we should check and see if there’s another way?” I asked, recalling the tooltip I’d read for the ability Godly Focus. While I wasn’t able to tell from where I stood, if that was the set piece Memory of Blood, drawing the sword might kill Galahad.
“There is no other way,” Sathanus said, gesturing about the room, and I had to admit she was correct. While large, it was just four empty walls. No doubt, pulling the sword free of the pedestal would open a passageway like it had in the previous rooms.
“Fine,” I grumbled displeased. After all, I was the leader, I ought to be doing this.
“All is well, my liege,” Galahad said when he picked up the sheathed weapon a moment later. “Nothing appears to have happened.”
I waited for a few heartbeats because it seemed like something should have definitely happened, especially since he’d basically tempted fate, but when nothing did, I let out a sigh of relief.
“There’s still no way out.” Sathanus swallowed anxiously. “I think he needs to draw the sword.”
“That could kill him,” I said as Galahad approached. “Under no circumstances are you to draw that weapon.”
“Are you sure, my liege?” He looked around. “I think the dwarf may be correct.”
“It’s too risky. Not when we haven’t searched for another clue.” Even as I said it, I knew it was likely hopeless, and they were both probably right. Still, we had to try. I’d feel a lot worse if we didn’t and then drawing the weapon didn’t do anything besides kill Galahad.
“Very well,” Galahad nodded, and tried to strap the weapon to his thigh, but it was way too heavy for his belt. “Alas, this weapon requires a girdle.”
“A girdle?” I asked, confused. “What do you mean?”
“A girdle attaches to the belt to help balance the weight of a sword so it doesn’t flop everywhere.” Sathanus shrugged. “We don’t have any way of making one.”
“Well, great.” I sighed. “Let’s just look around.”
We did, but after almost an hour of searching, we turned up nothing.
“I think we need to draw the sword,” Sathanus said once more as she pressed on the same brick for the fifth time. “We all know what has to happen here.”
“It’s up to Galahad.” I looked at him. “You’re the one who was able to retrieve it. If you want to try, go ahead, but if you don’t, we will find another way.”
“I fear the dwarf is correct. I must draw the sword.” He took a deep breath. “I am not afeared.”
“Great,” Sathanus nodded. “Let’s see what happens.”
With that, Galahad tried to draw the weapon, only he couldn’t. The moment it came more than an inch or two out of the sheath it snapped back. Only that didn’t make any sense.
“What’s going on?” Sathanus asked after he tried a third time. “I thought it’d just kill him or something?”
I wasn’t sure either, but as I looked at the tooltip flashing next to the sheathed weapon, I realized what the problem was. “Would you believe it needs a girdle?”
“Are you serious?” Sathanus asked, glancing from him to me. “How are we to make a girdle?”
“Percival’s sister once made me a girdle with her hair. Perhaps we could do that?” Galahad asked, coming over and looking at the two of us. The thing was, I had short hair, and he was a statue. Hell, even Sathanus was bald. Wait a second…
“No.” The dwarf said, taking a horrified step back. “Don’t even think about it.”
“It’s the only thing that will work.” I shrugged. “You do want to get out of here, right?”
“Not if it means cutting off my beard.” She clutched her beard in horror.
“It will grow back,” I said. “Otherwise that sword isn’t getting drawn.”
34
“By Lucifer’s black hairy ass, if you tell anyone about this, I will murder you dead,” Sathanus snarled, running one hand over her chin.
“You look really hot without the facial hair,” I said, smiling at her.
She glared at me while Galahad fitted his beard girdle to the sword. “This had better work.” She pointed her glowing axe at Galahad. “Because if it doesn’t, even if drawing that sword doesn’t kill you, I will.”
“Wait, is Lucifer’s ass really hairy?” I asked, confused because I’d seen her ass, and it was neither black nor hairy. In fact, it was pretty much the best ass I’d ever seen. And I’d seen a lot of spectacular ass lately. Hard to believe just a short while ago I was a Slurpee monkey, and now I’d literally seen the entire heavenly host naked.
“It’s just an expression, you dumbass.” Sathanus glared at me again. “Of course her ass isn’t hairy. She cannot grow proper hair.” Sathanus moved to stroke her beard but wound up clutching at empty air which was sort of sad. “Grrr.”
“I think it will work. Thank you again, Lady Dwarf,” Galahad said as he finished adjusting his new girdle. “Wish me luck.” He gripped the hilt of his weapon and pulled. This time the blade slid free of the scabbard. Brilliant blue light exploded from it, and as it did, the pedestal in the middle of the room began to glow the same color.
There was another flash, and as I turned away, the entirety of the room shook. Whiteness exploded from every direction, moving outward in every direction for what felt like miles so that as I stood there trying to orient myself, I got hit with vertigo. It was like standing on nothing and not moving. Worse, every direction was an infinite abyss.
“Is that what I think it is?” Sathanus said, and I turned to find her staring mouth agape. I followed her gaze and saw what looked like a simple wooden cup in the center of what had once been the room. It was sort of hard to tell because, well, the room wasn’t there anymore.
“I can feel it call to me, my liege,” Galahad said, glancing at me. “What would you have me do?”
I wanted to tell him to go get it, but I had no idea what that would do. Would it summon God or Jesus or something? Hell, would it make someone melt like in that Indiana Jones movie? I wasn’t sure, but either way, if anyone was going to touch that thing, it sure as fuck wasn’t going to be me. I may have said I had Jesus in my heart, but a face to face with the guy? That, I did not want.
“Go get it,” I said, swallowing hard. “You’re the one with the magic sword.”
“Very well.” Galahad moved forward, his sword blazing in his hands, and as he stepped off the spot next to us and stumbled, the entire floor space between where we stood and the grail turn
ed to fucking lava. Only, it didn’t seem to bother Galahad.
In fact, he seemed just as surprised by it. As the lava flowed around him, he just stared down at it in confusion. That’s when I realized the sword he had made him heat resistant. Was this why?
“I seem to be okay, my liege. I shall continue.” When I nodded, he kept going. Taking another step, and then another. The lava pooled around his thighs but did not burn him.
“Magic bone or not, I’m glad that isn’t me,” I said, and as Sathanus nodded beside me, the distance between Galahad and the grail seemed to grow. In an instant, I could barely see the grail anymore.
“Fear not.” Galahad looked to me. “I am not tired. I will return soon.” With that he raced off, moving through the rising tide of lava with all the speed I knew he had. In only a few moments, both he and the grail had escaped from view.
“Well, at least he won’t get tired,” Sathanus said, glancing at me.
“Yeah, I just hope it won’t take too long.” I shrugged. “Once we get the grail, we still have to get it back to Heaven. Who knows what will happen then?”
“Why are you even looking for the Holy Grail?” Sathanus asked, looking at me, and as she did, I realized her beard had already grown back which was crazy.
“There’s an achievement called Restore the Hallowed Host which requires me to get the Holy Grail.” I sighed. “That achievement will make it so I can use the Heavenly armaments in addition to the demonic ones. Then I’ll kill Dred and save Gabriella.”
“So all this is to save the dumb angel?” Sathanus sighed. “Would you do all this for me?”
The question struck me as odd, and as I thought about it, I realized I wasn’t sure which made me feel bad.
“Most likely.” I shrugged. “You’re my friend.”
“Then you’re an idiot.” Sathanus touched her chest with one hand. “I’m the Archangel of Wrath. I kill things for fun.”
“Yeah, but you’re my sociopath so it’s fine.” I smiled, and she frowned at me.
The Builder's Wrath (The Legendary Builder Book 4) Page 19