Wonderwall

by Soars, M. H.

  “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

  “Do you still love him?”

  I avoid his gaze and look down at my lap. “I never stopped.”

  Chapter 34

  Sebastian

  I don’t go back to my room at the Hollingsworth, but for some perverse reason, I don’t check out of it either. There’s no logic behind it. I could just as easily get another suite, but letting go of the one I have now would be admitting defeat. It would mean I’m giving up fighting for Liv for good. I can’t do that. Even knowing with absolute certainty she will never want to speak to me again.

  I called Gretchen after my talk with Hans, and after a lot of groveling, she finally agreed to come to my place in Camden for dinner. I hate this situation, but I got myself into it. I need to get Hans off my back. Postponing the inevitable a couple of more weeks won’t be so bad. Right, keep lying to yourself, Sebastian.

  I’m preparing the only dish Mom ever taught me, ham and cheese lasagna. I also made sure to buy salad, knowing that Gretchen probably won’t even touch the high calorie dinner. Liv never had any qualms about her food and this dish in particular was her favorite. Is this the reason I’m cooking it now even knowing my girlfriend won’t eat it? Fuck, I am a basket case and a masochist.

  The doorbell rings and I press the intercom button to unlock the door downstairs. I hear Gretchen’s light steps on the stairs and a few seconds later, she opens the door to my living room. She’s wearing a black classic coat that hits her knees, and when she removes it, I have to lock my jaw tight to keep it from hitting the floor. Gretchen has on a snug, black, sleeveless dress that puts on display her best assets. My body stirs awake even if my thoughts have been taken over by Liv’s image.

  I clean my hands on the apron I’m wearing and go to her. I lean down to place a kiss on her lips, but she turns her face, giving me her cheek instead. Yeah, she’s still mad at me.

  She walks to the bar and ignores the bottle of champagne chilling in the ice bucket. Instead, she pours a shot of tequila. In the few months we’ve been dating, I’ve never seen her drink anything besides champagne and wine. The fact she doesn’t even wince when she drinks the shot in one gulp, proves that she’s been holding out on me. It makes me wonder what else she’s been hiding.

  Five minutes later, we’re sitting at the dining room table facing each other, eating in silence. Well, I’m eating, Gretchen is just playing with her food.

  “Not hungry?” I ask.

  She looks up and her green eyes are so sad, it makes me feel even shittier than I already am. What right do I have to keep lying to her? I don’t love her, and even the affection I used to have has now faded. Is staying in the band worth smearing my soul further? Have I not done enough damage to it to last me several life times?

  “Aren’t you even going to say you’re sorry?” she says.

  I put my fork down and wipe my mouth with the napkin. “I thought I did that already over the phone.”

  Gretchen sighs and looks at her plate. “You didn’t even open the special gift I got for you.”

  Oh, fuckery fuck. The bloody painting. I had completely forgotten about it. I force a smile to my lips. “You got me a gift on top of that awesome surprise party?”

  She scrunches her eyebrows together. “Are you being sarcastic?”

  “Me? No. I really did like the party.”

  I’m not lying. I loved the party because I got to be near Liv again, even if only for a brief, catastrophic moment.

  “What about that poor waiter you attacked. What did he do to you?”

  I grind my jaw. I was really hoping she wouldn’t bring that up. I can still feel the remains of jealousy in my veins. Gretchen is watching me expectantly, so I have to give her something.

  “I heard him talk smack about the band. I guess I just couldn’t control my temper.” I’m disgusted with how easily the lie rolls off my tongue.

  Gretchen seems to be mulling my answers over. It’s almost like she wants desperately to believe my lies, even if she knows I’m bullshitting her. She stands up and comes to me. I scooch my chair back with the intention to get up as well, but Gretchen puts her hands on my shoulders to keep me in place and straddles me. Her slender fingers trace my jaw, then go up to my hair line, before they disappear inside my hair. I grab her hips and pull her even closer to me. She bends down and kisses me, not softly like she usually does, but with a fiery passion. It catches me by surprise and I respond in kind. Everything happens in a blur next. We’re all about limbs, tongues, and teeth. I stand up with Gretchen latched on to me, her legs wrapped around my waist. I move to the couch and drop her there, wearing nothing but her lacy panties. I remove the rest of my clothes and reach for the wallet on the side table, pulling a condom from it. I put it on and see that Gretchen has gotten rid of her underwear already. I take a step toward her, but her face morphs into Liv’s. I freeze and stop breathing. What the fuck is going on here? I shake my head and blink a couple of times. Liv is gone, and so is my erection.

  Gretchen’s face falls as she sits up, covering her breasts. “What is it?”

  “I’m sorry. I think I’m still hungover.”

  She avoids my gaze and gets up from the couch. She collects her clothes quickly and makes a beeline to the bathroom. A minute later, she emerges fully dressed while all I’ve done is put my boxer shorts back on and sit down.

  “I have news,” she says as if nothing has happened.

  “Oh, yeah?” I don’t even try to fake interest. I’m still reeling from my hallucination.

  “I’m going to Africa on a charity trip during Christmas break.”

  “Okay.” I don’t know what else to say.

  “Maybe you could join me?”

  Oh, hell no. I don’t plan for us to be together until then.

  “I can’t. I’ll be on tour, remember?”

  She purses her lips and plays with the pearl necklace she always wears. “You don’t have concerts scheduled that week, I’ve checked with Hans. We would be back in time for the New Year’s eve concert.”

  Of course, I should have known. This has Hans’s finger prints all over it. He was probably the one who suggested it.

  “Uncle Paul will kill me if I miss Christmas. It’s a big deal in my family.”

  Another lie. Since I’ve moved out of my Uncle’s place, I haven’t spent any holidays with them, especially Christmas. I hate it with a passion. It’s the saddest time of the year for me and I usually end up getting trashed with Oliver in some exotic location. It’s a well-known fact about me that I’m sure Gretchen is aware.

  “Oh, okay. Of course. I didn’t think about that,” she says with a hint of disappointment in her voice. “Well, I’d better get going. I have an early flight to catch tomorrow.”

  “Where are you going?” I perk up on my seat. I didn’t even try to hide the excitement in my voice, knowing she will be out of town again. I’m despicable.

  “Gosh, Sebastian. I’ve told you countless times. I’m going to Thailand for a photo shoot then I’m meeting my parents in New Zealand. I won’t be back until mid-November, and by then, you’ll be on your tour already.”

  I honestly have no recollection of her telling me any of that. But again, my mind has been preoccupied with something else. Obsessed with someone else is more accurate.

  “Sorry, preparations for the tour are all I can think about.”

  Gretchen laughs without humor. “Actually, this is perfect. I think we could use sometime apart from each other. You know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder.”

  They also say “out of sight, out of mind”, but I don’t bring that up.

  I stand up and break the distance between us to hug her. Her sweet perfume invades my nose, but it does nothing to stir my heart awake. Only the scent of one person can do that.

  Chapter 35


  Olivia - Three weeks later

  “Hey Liv, are you alone?” I look over the computer screen to see Ryan’s head poking in the partially open office’s door.

  “Yes. Mellie and Lloyd are running errands, and Patsy is with a client.”

  “Good.” Ryan opens the door all the way and strides in, exuding his usual cocky confidence. He sits on the edge of my desk and I swivel my chair to face him.

  After Ryan agreed to not press charges against Sebastian, my reservations toward him faded away completely. And since he and Lloyd decided to make up, we became closer by default. They’re still keeping their relationship on the down low and I’m the only one aware they are a couple. Ryan isn’t ready to come out yet. I understand his predicament even if I think it isn’t fair to Lloyd. But if Lloyd is willing to put up with it, who am I to say anything?

  “To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?”

  “Do you wanna go costume shopping with me after work?”

  “Aren’t you working tonight?”

  “I had the lunch shift today and I’ve requested Saturday off. You know, for the party.”

  We’re all going to the Halloween party at the pub next to the Hollingsworth. I’m sure there are way more exciting parties in town, but since Halloween falls on a Saturday, and a lot of the interns have to work that day, the group decided to go somewhere nearby.

  I haven’t really gotten close to any of them. I still have casual conversations with Yoann and Gavin when I bump into them, but those encounters are usually brief. It’s easier to bond when you work together. Also, I missed going to the pub with the crew on several occasions. I was either too tired or simply not in the mood to be social.

  “How did you manage to pull it off?” I ask.

  He grins. “I can be very persuasive.”

  Yeah, it helps that his manager is a woman with a major crush on him. “What about Lloyd? He’ll kill us if we go costume shopping without him.”

  Ryan rolls his eyes. “He’s being a complete diva and refuses to tell me what he’s wearing for Halloween. He says it’s a surprise.”

  “Humm, I sense a competitive streak here.” I try to suppress a smile and fail miserably.

  “So, what time can you leave?” he continues.

  “I should be done by five.”

  “Great, I’ll be back by then. The store closes at eight.” Ryan stands up and makes a move to leave.

  “Wait, do you want Lloyd to know we’re going without him?”

  Ryan peers at me and a wicked smile unfurls on his lips. His blue eyes light up with mischief. “You betcha.”

  “You’re mean! Remind me to always be on your good side.”

  ☂ ☂ ☂

  Sebastian

  “You’re out of your mind. We’re gonna get caught,” Oliver whines as he fidgets with his Zorro costume.

  “Stop being a pussy. No one will recognize us, make sure you don’t remove your mask and you’ll be fine,” I say.

  “This bloody fake mustache itches. Tell me again how did I let you convince me to do this? We had invites to the best Halloween parties in London and you want to crash a provincial, Hollingsworth employee party?”

  I put my helmet on and ignore his comment. He knows very well why I want to crash this particular party. He’s my best friend. He knows about Liv and how out of my mind I’ve been since our paths have crossed again. He knows why I got trashed at my birthday party and punched her boyfriend. He’s the one keeping Hans off my case, and he even stopped partying so much so I wouldn’t be tempted to join him. Our friendship is based on a mutual understanding that sometimes it’s impossible to stop dragging our dead horses around. He has his and I have mine. We don’t talk about it, but we know what it takes to keep our heads above water.

  I returned to my suite at the Hollingsworth last week. It was a Herculean effort to stay away from Liv for that long, but I had to get my head straight. Plus, I know Hans is watching my every move. I cannot let him find out about Liv. He’ll ruin everything.

  “I need a shot,” Oliver declares as he strides toward the stocked up bar. He pours a couple of double shots and hands me one glass.

  I gulp the amber liquid down, letting it fire up my throat. One shot, even if it’s a double, won’t affect me that much. It’s just enough to take the edge off. I’m fucking nervous, my gut feels like it has been twisted into impossible knots. I cannot screw up tonight. Somehow, I need to get Liv alone so I can finally come clean about everything. I’ve decided to confess it all—the reason why I abandoned her, what kind of monster I turned into after that. Liv already hates me. I have nothing to lose, so I might as well place all my chips on one bet.

  I didn’t want to get Liv into trouble, so I didn’t look for her at work. I bided my time, collected information, knowing that I needed to approach her in a place outside of the hotel. On my first day back, I chatted with the bellman helping me. Angelo was an older chap from Greece and he loved to talk. He didn’t know who I was at first, which I found refreshing. And when he did, it didn’t change his attitude toward me. He was the one who told me about the party tonight, without me having to resort to bribery. I asked him if he had plans for the evening while we rode the elevator together this morning. He said he was too old for Halloween parties, but that the younger kids—that’s how he referred to the interns—were all going to the pub next door.

  Oliver and I leave my suite a few minutes later, Oliver in his Zorro costume, and me wearing my old hockey uniform, including the helmet. I have no intention of being recognized and mobbed tonight. Sure, it says Coleman on the back, but I doubt people will make the association with Sebastian Coleman from Boys Future, at least I’m praying they won’t. The only person I want to recognize me is Liv.

  The party is at the pub around the corner from the Hollingsworth. It isn’t exclusive or anything, the place is open to the public, so technically, we aren’t crashing it. We could have been partying up with A-listers at the coolest places in town, but there is nowhere I’d rather be tonight. Man, Oliver would give me so much shit if he could listen to my thoughts.

  The place is already bursting at the seams and as soon as we enter, Oliver carves a path for us to the bar. I hear him curse as he fights for space—he’s not used to situations where people don’t make way for him. Sometimes I forget where he comes from, that he’s posh, a word I quickly learned at the International School of London.

  The crowd begins to get on my nerves as well, so half way to the bar, I stop and turn around. I’m not from a wealthy background, but I don’t like to be pushed and shoved either. Oliver knows what I like to drink anyway.

  I decide to circulate the place, see if I can spot Liv. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to find her with all the costumes and shit. I hope she’s not wearing a wig or a mask. That will make things difficult and the helmet already limits my vision. At least the pub is not big. Oliver finds me ten minutes later and I can see his sour puss expression beneath his disguise. He shoves a pint into my hands.

  I frown at the glass then back at him. “What the hell is this?”

  “It’s a fucking beer.”

  “You don’t say. Since when do we drink beer?”

  “We’re blending in. Stop being a dick and drink it already.”

  Blending in my ass. Oliver is afraid I’ll get hammered again and lose control. He’s babysitting me and it pisses me off. I should have never asked him to tag along with me. Thirty minutes and two pints later, there’s still no sign of Liv and my irritation has escalated.

  “This party blows. Come on. Let’s get out of here,” Oliver says. It took him long enough.

  Then out of nowhere, a good looking brunette wearing a slutty nurse outfit bumps into him, spilling her drink all over Oliver’s five hundred pound rental. He looks down at his now soaked costume and then up at her. If he was a cartoon char
acter, I would see steam blowing out of his ears. He’s ready to lash out at her, but once he realizes she’s a hot chick with a nice rack, his frown turns into a sly grin.

  “Watch where you’re going, darling.”

  “Sorry,” she says, irritated. She doesn’t look at him twice and begins to walk away. Undeterred, Oliver raises his arm and blocks her path.

  “That’s all I get? A measly sorry? How about you buy me a drink?”

  Her face contorts into a grimace. “Shouldn’t you be buying me a drink? If you hadn’t been standing in the way, I would still have mine.”

  “All right, I’ll buy you a drink, but only if you blow me.”

  Her gaze turns nasty before she shoves him and storms away, saying a string of words in another language. I do the only thing I can in this situation. I laugh. Hard.

  “Shut up, jackass.”

  “I can’t. This is too much. When was the last time a girl said no to you?”

  “Never. Thank you very much. What a bitch!” Oliver brings his cape to his nose. “Ugh! Rum and coke. Gag me.”

  “It must be the fake mustache, then.”

  “Obviously.” Oliver’s gaze wanders around the room before his eyes land on me again. “Mate, I love you, but I’m out of here. Stay out of trouble and no punching anyone. I’ll be at Legacy. Call me if you change your mind.”

  He takes off and I ponder about what I should do next. I’m getting antsy by the second and my body is calling for something stronger than warm beer. I’m two seconds away from caving in when I finally see Liv by the entrance of the pub.

  Her hair is curled and shorter, reaching her chin, and she has a beret on. Her make-up is a ghoulish combination of white, black, and red colors. That’s all I can see of her costume. The pressure on my chest increases when I see the boyfriend next to her. He’s wearing a pinstriped suit and fedora. I get it now. They’re dressed as Bonnie and Clyde zombies. Fuck, they’re already picking matching costumes?