by Ali Dean
I let his words settle. What he’s saying is both simple and complicated.
“Wouldn’t he just break up with me if he didn’t want to get hurt by me? Wouldn’t it make sense to hurt me first?”
“No,” Wes says firmly. “I don’t think Jace has it in him to break up with you directly like that. Instead, he’s pushing you, testing your love for him, your commitment to the relationship. He wants to know how strong it is, and if you can’t handle it, he wants to know what the breaking point is.”
“That’s fucked up, Wes.” And it’s kind of fucked up that Wes sees this. Because even though I don’t want to believe him, I know what he says is true.
“Look, he wasn’t expecting it with his mom. He didn’t see it coming. That’s why he’s trying to control the situation with you. He can’t stand being close to someone now. Hell, he hasn’t called me to tell me any of this shit, and we’re brothers. I’m hearing about all of it for the first time right now.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do? Let him push me away?” I don’t think I can do that.
“No. But don’t push him to be closer, either. Just hang in there, and show him you’re in for the long haul. He can’t push you away by dancing with pretty girls. You love him too much to flake out on him for being an asshole.”
“Are you telling me I’m supposed to sit here and let my boyfriend treat me like shit?”
Wes is torn by this question, because he knows that’s exactly what he’s asking me to do. He knows what Jace is doing, and he loves me too and doesn’t want me hurt. But he loves Jace more, and he knows that me sticking by him through this is what is best for Jace.
“Did he take the redhead home?” Wes murmurs so quietly I barely register the question. When I do, my heart stops. It didn’t even cross my mind that Jace would take it so far. Is it possible he’s been with other girls these past three weeks?
I stutter for a moment before responding. “I don’t know. I didn’t think he could be that cruel.”
“I don’t think he can be either, Pepper. And I don’t think he wants to hurt you so bad you can’t even be friends. All I’m saying is, he’s testing you, and I hope you’ll try to understand it but I know you’ve got a breaking point. And I don’t want you to break. So do what you need to do, but he’s hurting bad, Pepper, and he’s handling it by trying to avoid feeling anything at all. That means pushing away anyone else who could hurt him.”
After we say goodbye, I scream into my pillow for a solid minute. It makes me feel a little better, but I still don’t want to leave my room. I spend about an hour lying in bed staring at the ceiling before deciding I need to get out of here and go for a run. I just wish I was still on Shadow Lane so I wouldn’t have to see anyone. The odds are high I’ll run into a roommate or a teammate.
We don’t usually have an organized team practice on Sunday, but Coach Harding expects us to meet up in smaller groups to do an easy run. When Lexi knocks on my door to see if I want to join her and our other roommates for a seven-miler, I’m bummed I didn’t sneak out earlier. I’m already dressed and lacing up my running shoes, so it’d be pretty antisocial and weird of me to try to make an excuse to run solo now.
But an idea occurs to me, and I insist that my dog who still lives with Gran could really use some exercise. Though the girls tell me they don’t mind running by my apartment to get him, I manage to convince them otherwise and before I know it, I’m jogging up the familiar trail into the foothills with just Dave.
I haven’t run alone in weeks, and I need this.
Wes’s words ring in my head as I wind my way through trees. This is a test. I get it, but that doesn’t make it okay. I may not entirely understand the depth of Jace’s pain and anger at his mom’s abandonment, but I don’t know how far I can let him push me away. And what then? Will he someday see I’m not going anywhere? Will he be ready to heal with me at his side? How long will that take?
The path brings me higher up the foothills but I don’t get any answers to my questions. I’m at a point in the trail that I rarely get to, and I know I’ve probably run a bit too far and pushed myself a little too hard for a day that was meant to be for recovery. But my mind feels slightly more at ease and the turmoil inside me is settling. My heart still hurts, because I know I will have to endure more heartbreak before I have any answers.
When I picked up Dave at the apartment, I promised Gran I’d stay for brunch when I came back after my run. I’m looking forward to a shower, too, as the water pressure in our bathroom is perfect – not too hard and not too soft. I never thought I’d appreciate something like that before living in the dorms and showering there and the locker rooms every day.
Instead of trotting beside me when we enter the apartment building, Dave shoots up the stairs like he’s being chased by a bear. Gran must be cooking bacon, because that’s the only smell that drives him crazy like this. But as I get closer to the door, where I find Dave pawing at it frantically, the burning smell has me sprinting the rest of the way down the hall. It could be coming from any of our neighbors’ kitchens, but Dave’s bizarre whining tells me otherwise.
I swing the door open, and sure enough, a cloud of smoke is billowing out of the oven. Quickly, I turn it off, while calling out for Gran.
“Pepper!” she calls from down the hall, and her voice sounds weak and scared. Gran has never sounded weak or scared before.
I find her lying on her side in the bathroom.
“Gran!” I rush to her side. Her face is pale, and her fingers shake as she takes my hand.
“I fell, honey. Slipped on some water and banged myself up real good. I can’t get up.”
“Oh, Gran. Where does it hurt?”
She laughs softly. “Everywhere, but it’s my hip that took the hit. I tried to pull myself over to a phone but I knew you’d be back soon. Burnt the quiche. Sorry about that.”
“One sec,” I tell her before hopping up and running around the apartment opening windows. The last thing we need is the fire alarm going off.
I’m on the phone and calling an ambulance a moment later, and I try to stay composed as she’s loaded onto a stretcher and questions are fired at both of us. I hold her hand as we drive to the hospital, and it takes all my self-control not to cry. Gran lying on the bathroom floor, looking so frail and weak on the gurney now in front of me, it’s terrifying. What if I hadn’t stopped by today? The apartment could have burned down and Gran wouldn’t have been able to escape.
I squeeze her hand tighter and tell her over and over that I love her like crazy and please don’t fall ever again.
Eventually I have to pry my hand out of hers when we get to the hospital and they take her into a room. I’m still sticky with sweat from the run, and I don’t have any way to contact my roommates because I left my phone somewhere in the apartment in the midst of finding Gran and getting her to the hospital. My roommates probably aren’t worried about where I am yet, but it sucks being alone right now, and I wish Jace was by my side.
His is one number I have memorized and I’m able to call him from the hospital’s front desk. When it goes to voicemail, I fill him in on what’s happened.
It feels like hours sitting alone waiting before they call me in. The doctor keeps referring to her full name – Bernadette – when he explains that she has a hip fracture. When Gran doesn’t interrupt immediately to correct him, I do it for her.
“It’s actually Bunny. Her name. You can call her Bunny.”
The doctor raises his eyebrows but nods before continuing. Gran squeezes my hand, thankful. She’s too overwhelmed to speak for herself right now, and that scares me too. Gran’s a tough cookie and she’s frazzled. That truth is doing strange things to me. The fear of losing her and what that would feel like creeps into my heart. It’s a lurking dark monster and if it bit I think it would suck me into a black hole that I may never escape.
If Jace is feeling any of that from Annie’s abandonment, his need for self-preservation doesn’t seem s
o ludicrous. I think our hearts only have the capacity to handle so much loss before we break. I’ve never given Jace any sign I’d abandon him though, and I think that’s why I can’t completely understand what he’s afraid of.
Chapter 16
When I leave the hospital later that night, I find Jace sitting by himself in the waiting room. He’s wearing sweats and a tee shirt and there are dark circles beneath his eyes. It’s not very late, so the sleep deprivation must be from last night. My stomach lurches at that thought. Does he have it in him to cheat on me? Could he go through with something like that just to push me away?
He’s here, though, and that counts for something.
“How is she?” he asks, standing up to meet me.
“Fractured hip. She’ll be here for a few days and then she’ll need assistance for a while at home, so I’ll be staying with her.”
“Can I see her?” he asks.
“She’s sleeping.”
He nods. “Okay.”
“Do you want to go back to the apartment with me? I’m going to shower and change, feed Dave, and come back to bring some stuff to Gran. She might be awake by then.” I’m angry with him but maybe we can put all that behind us for now, for tonight at least. I need his support right now. Someone who loves Gran like I do should be here with me.
He comes with me back to the apartment and neither of us says much. When he smells the burning, I tell him what happened and how I found her. He looks like he might be sick. Jace doesn’t offer a hug or hold my hand. We don’t touch at all. I’m so emotionally exhausted at this point that the pain from his continued stand-off hardly registers.
Gran’s still asleep when we return to her room later that night. We sit in the two chairs beside her bed, watching her and listening to the monitors.
Finally, I ask the question. “What happened with the redhead last night?” I can’t bring myself to be any more direct that that. I would ask did you take her home or did you hook up, but it’s hard to say those words.
“Nothing. I followed you back to your dorm when you left, to make sure you made it okay, and then I went back to my place.”
My eyes drop to my feet, and I suddenly feel ashamed. Did I overreact when I saw him talking to that girl? “I’m sorry I danced with Clayton Dennison, Jace.”
He clears his throat. “I’m sorry I danced with Melanie.”
I wish he hadn’t said her name, made her real. It’d be better if he never learned her name, or didn’t remember it. “Are we going to be okay?” I wonder.
He doesn’t answer at first and I turn to look at him. “Can I spend the night with you tonight?” he asks softly. There’s apology, regret, and hope in his voice, and I hope this means he’s ready to open up again. That he’s no longer trying to push me away. A part of me feared that seeing Gran like this would make him push me away even harder. Because I felt tonight the fear of losing someone, and now I understand just how powerful that fear is. But it sounds like instead of running away from that fear, he’s going to face it with me. Despite where we are right now, with Gran’s monitor beeping steadily as a reminder, my mouth curves into a small smile and I take his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together.
“Let’s stay on Shadow Lane,” I tell him.
He nods in agreement, and when we’re alone in my bedroom on Shadow Lane that night, he’s anything but distant. The opposite of indifferent. He touches me like he’s memorizing all my angles and curves. Like it’s been ages instead of weeks since he’s been with me like this. His lips cover every inch of skin, and his eyes bore into mine when he finally gives in to his release.
The only thing missing is words. I understand if he’s not ready to talk yet. There’s a lot to say, and my own feelings are jumbled and far too ripe for productive conversation. For now, I just take comfort in his presence. He’s come back to me, and I need him now more than ever.
***
Jace isn’t next to me when I wake the next morning. I know he probably had an early practice and needed to get back to his apartment to change before class, but I’m disappointed. Gran will be okay, I know this, but she really freaked me out yesterday, and it’s going to be hard to go back to normal life today. I’d rather stay by her side at the hospital, but Lulu is already in Gran’s kitchen this morning, insisting on taking over that duty.
“Buns does not want you skipping classes and practices, Salty. She called me yesterday. This is what old lady BFFs are for.”
Lulu is on a mission to be Gran’s personal assistant. She’s cleaned up the burnt mess that I couldn’t bring myself to deal with last night, and has been gathering all of Gran’s favorite snacks from the cupboards.
“Wallace wants to come by today to see her, and she wants to get out of her hospital gown for the visit. Did you bring her polka-dotted jumper? She looks real nice in it.”
Smiling, I assure her that the velvet polka-dotted jumper is in the bag I packed for Gran last night. The top of the jumper looks like overalls but it has a skirt instead of pants for the legs, and I hope it fits loosely over her bad hip. Like Lulu, I know that Gran always feels extra snazzy when she wears it. Everyone has their special outfit, I guess.
It’s a busy day. Between explaining the Gran situation to my roommates and getting to classes and practice between a breakfast and lunchtime visit to Gran, I don’t have time to worry about Jace’s lack of communication until I’m back in my dorm room later that night.
I call Gran, who tells me she’s really enjoying the hospital, which makes me laugh. She’s making friends with the nurses and docs, and loves how she gets to drink everything from a straw. After telling her goodnight, I dive into my school work for a couple of hours, trying desperately to ignore the fact that Jace has not called or stopped by. I texted him with updates about Gran all day, and he responded with short and minimal messages. He’s never been a big texter.
But when the rest of the week goes by without any changes, I know what’s happened. He wasn’t coming back to me when we spent the night together on Shadow Lane. He was saying goodbye.
This reality doesn’t hit me until the day before I fly to my first real college meet in California. Two years ago, I flew on a plane for the first time to California for the high school National Championship. Jace surprised me by showing up to watch. He took a risk with me back then, and it was the best thing for both of us. Am I still a risk for him? Why is he shutting me out when I’ve shown no signs of leaving?
Gran’s discharged from the hospital, and I help her get settled back at the apartment. From the hospital, she apparently assigned Lulu the task of making “travel goodie bags” for all the girls on my team, each bag containing enough sweets to keep us sustained for weeks.
“Gran, we’re only going to be gone for twenty-four hours, and we’re not going to the desert. I’m pretty sure they have food in California.”
Gran just gives me sass about how we’re all too skinny. She’s back to her normal spiffy self, even though she’s stuck with a walker and dependent on others for help.
Like Jim, who is on his way up the stairs to the apartment as I leave, takeout in his hand.
He looks sheepish when I ask if he’s brought dinner. “You know I can’t cook like your Gran, but she’s always liked Chinese, right?”
“Good call, Jim. That’s one thing she doesn’t cook herself,” I reassure him.
We catch up on the usual stuff for a few minutes, but I can’t let him go in just yet. “I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about Jace,” I tell him.
He puts the bag of food down and gestures for me to join him sitting on the steps. “I’m worried about him, Pepper. He’s busy and I don’t see him a lot, so I can’t get a read on how he’s dealing with Annie leaving.”
“He’s been distant,” I say hesitantly. It seems we’re both looking for information from one another, and neither of us has much to offer. Does Jace confide in anyone?
“With you?” Jim’s surprise comforts me.
&n
bsp; “I hardly see him anymore, Jim,” I admit.
Jim closes his eyes briefly, clearly distressed by this news. “You know, I’ve always thought as long as you were in his life he’d be okay. You’re so good for him, Pepper.”
My heart sinks. Jim’s concern for Jace is entirely different from my own, which is wrapped up in heartbreak. But the truth is, neither of us can help when he’s closed out the world like this.
“What am I supposed to do?” I whisper.
Jim shakes his head, at a loss. “Not much you can do when Jace makes up his mind about something. But don’t give up on him, Pepper.”
That’s three people who have essentially told me the same thing in different words. Jace is going to push me away and I’ve got to resist. But it’s tiring. And I’m getting sick of waiting.
I resolve to confront him when we return from this trip. I’ve given him a month to cope, and I’m out of patience. I miss him. If I’m supposed to dive into college and leave high school behind, I need him at my side. He’s a part of both my past and my present, and I want him in my future too.
***
I’ve never been so intimidated by other runners in my life. As we jog through the course before the race starts, I take in the other teams. Every single girl racing here looks like they were designed to run. Fast. Thin and muscular, with determination written all over their faces. I thought I had a lot of racing experience, but here amongst some of the best runners in the nation, I feel insignificant.
Again, I wish I knew where I stood. Without a sense of purpose on this team or a feel for where I rank amongst my competition, I’m left untethered, drifting. I latch onto that sense of freedom I had when I just ran my own race at the scrimmage two weeks ago. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much and just go by feel. Instinct.
And when the gun goes off, I chant the motto, don’t think, don’t think, over and over again in my head until it fades away and becomes truth.
My fears for Gran, my worry and hurt about Jace, my uncertainty about college running, it floats away as I sprint my way through the throngs of competitors to the front of the group. This is what I always did in a big race in high school, and it’s what I’ll do now. Running with the lead group is familiar and comfortable, so I roll with it.