by Ali Dean
“I also wanted to apologize to Jace. Do you know if he’s here?” she asks.
Now I’m even more suspicious. I don’t think I’ll ever trust this girl. “I don’t know.” Before she can say more, I turn and leave, not caring all that much about her evil plots. I don’t think there’s much she can do to hurt me at this point, at least not when it comes to Jace. I don’t have him so I have nothing to lose.
Turns out I was wrong. So very wrong.
I decide to head up to the kitchen to grab some drinks for my friends. After running into a few acquaintances from Brockton Public, I see a familiar set of shoulders leaving the kitchen. I’d recognize Jace’s back anywhere, but I’m intrigued by the new haircut. He’s had a faux-hawk for years and it almost seems like he started the trend himself. Even before he cut it that way, his hair was always a little long and disheveled. Tonight, Jace Wilder is sporting a buzz cut for the first time ever.
Without thinking, I follow him. I want to get a better look. By the time I get out of the kitchen, he’s at the far end of the hallway by the study, away from the crowds and leaning against the wall, listening to someone talk whom I can’t see. His arms are crossed and he’s got a standoffish vibe going on. Or maybe it’s the haircut that gives him attitude. The angles and edges of his face are more pronounced, and I have the strange urge to take a picture of his profile. I wish I was closer so I could see his eyes. I bet they pop even more than usual.
My wish is granted when he lifts his head and turns my way. Our eyes lock and I suck in a breath at the intense desire to get closer to him. My suspicion is true. Without the distraction of his unruly hair, his green eyes are mesmerizing.
When he looks away, I still can’t move from my spot in the entry way. People are coming and going from the front door, and I’m probably in their way, but I can’t tear my eyes away when I see it’s Madeline he’s talking to. She said she was going to apologize, but as the crowds blocking my view move away, and I’m able to see their entire bodies, Jace puts his hand around her waist, and pulls her body flush against his.
I want to run away. I want to scream at him. Hit him. But I can’t do anything except stare. My jaw drops and my eyes blink rapidly, like maybe it will all go away and I’ll wake up any second now.
But then his mouth descends to hers and a moment later he takes her hand and pulls her into the study. I don’t know how much longer I stand there before Zoe finds me.
“Jace just…” I stutter, unable to say it. “He went in there with Madeline.”
Zoe looks in the direction I’m pointing. “What?”
“He kissed her.” I can hear the disbelief in my voice as I say it.
“What the hell is wrong with him?” Zoe growls. “After what she did?”
“He saw me. He wanted to hurt me.” And he did hurt me. But not because I’m jealous. I know he didn’t want her. I don’t know what they’re doing in that room right now, but it doesn’t matter. Jace intended to be cruel. He wants me to hate him. And he accomplished it. The pain is worse than when he shut me out, when he told me things were over, or when I found Melanie in his room. Because I truly feel like the very worst of him has taken over, and I no longer believe he’ll come back around one day. He is lost.
As Zoe pulls me away and takes me back downstairs, my feelings for Jace Wilder are no longer muddled and confused. It’s not a mix of longing, sadness, regret, pity, and anger because I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him. Those butterflies? Dead. Hope we could recover from this breakup somehow? Gone. I never thought I’d lose respect for my childhood best friend, neighbor, and first lover. Tonight, there’s no more admiration for the boy I wanted for so many years. I think I might even hate him.
Chapter 23
Jace
Pepper’s in the kitchen rummaging through the fridge when I get to Wes’s place. She’s bent over, and my body betrays me when it starts to move in her direction, wanting to grab her hips and pull her close. It wants her so bad. The urgency to go to her, to just let down all my walls and melt in her arms, begging for forgiveness and her love, is so overwhelming that I almost can’t stop myself. It takes all my willpower to back up, turn around, and leave the kitchen.
I’ve been acting like a total stalker, keeping tabs on her from afar, making sure she’s doing okay. All the guys on my team know to watch out for her and they let me know if she’s out at parties, or how she’s doing. They don’t question it. Pepper’s my girl, even if she doesn’t know she is anymore.
But she doesn’t need me or my teammates watching out for her anymore. Hell, I’m probably the biggest reason for any harm to come her way. Pepper has friends who love her and will keep an eye out for her. She’s rocked the transition to college, even without me beside her. The realization is brutal. It really makes me hurt in ways I don’t even want to admit. But this is what I wanted. It’s why I hurt her.
The pull she still has on me, though, sends a spark of anger and resentment through me that I’ve only ever directed at myself and my mother. But this time, I feel it toward Pepper. She has the power to break me. My mother couldn’t even do that. My mother just made me never want to feel, but I still function. Pretty fucking well, if you ask NFL scouts.
Madeline Brescoll tugs my arm, demanding my attention, and I don’t even care enough to shut her down. She starts spewing apology bullshit, but I sense Pepper nearby and my emotions are starting to crumble. I glance up and see her, and the hope in her eyes makes me lose myself. Pepper never hides anything. And I see it. She still loves me. Still wants me. That isn’t right. She doesn’t need me and she shouldn’t want me. Just seeing her looking at me like this is pure agony, and it makes me lose it. I almost hate her for loving me so much.
So I do what I know will change that. Maybe now Pepper won’t have control over me anymore.
Kissing Madeline feels wrong on so many levels, and as soon as we’re in the study and out of Pepper’s line of sight, I push her off me. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to kiss anyone else after Pepper. Yeah, Pepper will always have a hold on me. I’m an idiot to think otherwise.
Chapter 24
Hating Jace is strangely liberating. He’s nothing to me now but a weak and hateful ex-boyfriend, and that truth simplifies my life. I don’t sit around during winter break wondering when I’ll see him or what he’s doing. Instead, I hang out with all my favorite Brockton people, throw numerous impromptu dance parties with Gran in our apartment, and try not to bury my emotions with numbness or outrageous runs like I have in the past. There might be a shot or two of tequila involved in this anger coping, and plenty of cookies to keep my sweetness alive, but I’m determined to go back next semester a new woman. Totally single and independent from Jace Wilder.
So, when Wes invites all of us to his parents’ ski house the last weekend of winter break, I decide to go whether or not Jace will be there. His presence or absence will not affect my decision. I don’t ski, but I’ll find something to do. Zoe and Wes have rekindled their relationship – or whatever it is – for winter break, at least. Along with Wes’s Lincoln Academy friends, and a few Brockton Public people, Lexi is coming too. She’s just come back to the dorms to train for indoor track, and she seems to think snowboarding can’t be much different from surfing. Coach will not be pleased if she breaks her legs, so I’m hoping she doesn’t do anything stupid.
I know the football team has their final game of the season next Saturday. The local news station Gran likes won’t shut up about it. So, even though I’m not concerned with Jace’s whereabouts and I hate him, I’m a little surprised to find he’s already at the house with Wes when we arrive Saturday morning. Absolutely no butterflies flutter.
We convince Lexi that learning to snowboard in one day is both unlikely and unwise, and she agrees to snowshoe with us instead. Ryan has skied before but says he’s terrible and it isn’t worth risking being out for the track season. I think his logic is what helps persuade Lexi. While others head out to ski or snowboard, the
four of us set out on a mission to summit a nearby mountain on a trail recommended by the snowshoe rental shop. I don’t know what Jace does and I don’t care.
Over the past few months, Ryan has become someone I can call a friend again. We aren’t as close as we once were, but there’s none of the awkwardness we struggled with before. He’s not much different to me than Zeb, Brax, or some of the other guys on the team.
The hike takes us nearly eight hours because we get lost on the way back, and by the time we return to the house, I’m starving. Someone’s ordered pizza. A lot of pizza. Zoe and Ryan head off to shower but Lexi and I can’t turn away from the pizzas. As I stuff my face, I think of Gina, and wonder how she’s doing.
“Hey, did you talk to Gina at all over break?” I ask Lexi.
Lexi takes her time responding, slowly chewing a mouthful of pizza. “Yeah, I did,” she says solemnly. “She’s not coming back this semester.”
I drop the pizza in my hands, feeling suddenly sick. I went to Coach’s office the day after I found her puking in the bathroom and told him that she needed to see a doctor and get help. He reassured me I’d done the right thing, but he didn’t say what he was going to do. I tried to get in touch with Gina to talk to her before she went home for break, but I couldn’t track her down and she hasn’t answered my calls.
“Why isn’t she coming back?”
“She called me the day after Christmas, hysterical. She said her parents are making her go to a facility for people with eating disorders.”
“For the entire semester?”
“I’m not sure. I guess it depends on how she does. It might only be a few weeks. Honestly, it was a little hard to figure out what was going on. From the sound of it, her parents took one look at her and dragged her to a doctor.”
“And whatever the doctor had to say was not good, I take it?”
“Nope.”
So it was her parents. Not Coach. I wonder if he had anything to do with it. I wonder if he spoke with her parents. I decide to tell Lexi about what I saw. I can’t keep it to myself any longer. I don’t want to be the only one on the team who knows how serious it was, and it sort of feels like I’m hiding something. Lexi does not seem surprised by what I share with her.
“I kind of figured she was doing that. I mean, I’d watched her binge eat and then go to the bathroom more than once. With her weight loss and eating habits, it was a logical conclusion.”
“At least she’s getting help, right?”
Lexi shakes her head. “Dude, I really hope wherever they sent her is a good place. She acted like her parents were crazy, like there’s nothing wrong. It’s messed up.”
We finish eating our pizza in silence before Ryan passes through, heading to the hot tub and suggesting we join. By the time we change into our bathing suits, the hot tub is already filled with people. It’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen, almost pool-size, and we’re able to squeeze in beside Wes and Zoe.
As everyone chats about the ski day, I ignore Jace’s presence on the other side of the tub.
“So, did your twelve-mile hike today count for your workout or are you crazies going back out for a run tonight?” Wes teases, looking at me, Lexi, and Ryan.
“It’s our last weekend of rest before track season starts, Wes, so we get to take a day off,” I tell him.
“Wait, a twelve-mile hike in the snow is a day off?” Remy Laroche, a friend of ours from Brockton Public, asks.
“Any day not running is a day off. Don’t you know runners are the ultimate badasses?” Lexi asks proudly. “I thought you were friends with Ryan and Pepper in high school. You should know this.”
“Well then, you guys should join us on the slopes tomorrow if you’re such badasses,” Remy challenges.
“I’m down,” Lexi quickly agrees.
I shake my head adamantly. “No way.”
“Good call, Pepper,” Ryan agrees. “My dad would probably give me shit for letting you ski for the first time the day before your first college track practice.”
“Oh, come on, man,” Wes eggs on Ryan. “I’ll take her with me on the easy slopes.”
Ryan laughs. “You can still crash into a tree on easy slopes, Wes.”
“Nah, I could put her on one of those bungee leash things for little kids,” Wes jokes. “You should totally do it, Pep. I’ll watch out for you.”
“It’s really not your job to watch out for Pepper, Wes,” Jace’s deep voice comes unexpectedly from the other side of the hot tub.
The jovial atmosphere goes cold. Wes shifts forward in his seat and his arm around Zoe slips away. “What are you trying to say, Jace?” he asks. It’s a challenge, and I have the distinct impression there’s something deeper underlying this exchange.
“You know what I’m saying,” Jace says, the hardness in his voice unmistakable.
“No, I think you should spell it out,” Wes answers with narrowed eyes.
Jace smirks and I know the words about to come from his lips are ones I do not want to hear. But I can’t move. I’m holding my breath, certain that this isn’t a new argument brewing. Why Jace is pouncing on Wes tonight, at this moment, is anyone’s guess. But this tension between them is an old one, and it’s been building for a long time. I can feel it with the way the little hairs on my arms rise, despite the hot water on my skin.
“You want me to spell it out? Fine. You’ve been in love with Pepper for ages. You’ve wanted her ever since we were kids. It’s about time you let it go. You never got over her and it’s been years.” His words are delivered with cold authority. But then he lets out a dark chuckle. “Hell, that’s probably why you stayed last year, isn’t it?”
Wes doesn’t answer right away, and I can’t look at him. I wonder if he’s as shocked as I am.
Jace continues, “It is, isn’t it? You didn’t want to be thousands of miles away from her, even when she was with me.”
Wes cuts Jace off before he can say anymore. “That’s why you stayed, brother.” I suck in a breath at his use of that word, hoping the others don’t register its significance. The siblings seem oblivious to everyone but each other. “Don’t put your shit on me,” Wes continues. “You’re the one with the issues, not me. I think you might be doing some projecting of your own feelings.”
I can’t take this anymore. Listening to them hurt each other and letting them use me to do it is wrong on so many levels.
“Stop!” I shout, and the sound echoes. “Just, stop,” I say quietly, suddenly exhausted. The weight of Jace’s and Wes’s gazes on me is heavier than all the dozen others’ in the hot tub combined when I hurriedly hop out, snag a towel, and rush inside.
I’ve been so much better at reeling it in and sorting through my feelings without going for a run, but I don’t even try to talk myself out of it as I pull on winter running clothes and lace up. I’ve got to get away from this house and everyone in it. I’ve got to feel my legs pounding beneath me.
It’s dark out with no street lighting, forcing me to jog at a snail’s pace. I don’t want to analyze the conversation that just went down. The thing is, if I look back on every memory with Wes over the years, I’m afraid what I might find. But I’m not sure it even matters if there’s truth to either of their statements. It doesn’t change anything.
I jog down the hill toward the ski village, where there’s more light from restaurants, shops and bars. It’s Saturday night in the middle of winter, the busiest time of year in this ski village, and plenty of people are still out. The roads through the village are narrow and pedestrian-only, shoveled free of ice and snow. I get a few odd looks, but they don’t bother me.
The pizza from earlier sits heavy in my stomach and my legs are sluggish from the hike and hot tub. I’ve jogged through the entire village and it’s too dark on the roads leading off to houses to venture far. It hasn’t been long, but it’s time for me to go back and face the music.
The first person I see when I try to sneak in through a side door is Zoe. She’s go
t her bag slung over her shoulder, and she looks upset.
Shit. I didn’t even think of how that conversation would affect her. I’m so selfish.
“You all right?” I ask hesitantly.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
I nod at her bag. “Where are you going?”
“I thought I’d crash in the bunk room with you and Lexi. It’s just too awkward staying with Wes tonight after that,” she admits. Zoe is the ultimate optimist, able to brush off just about anything. I though she and Wes were only messing around over break because it was familiar and easy. I never thought they had serious feelings for each other.
But Zoe’s eyes are red, and I know she’s hurt.
“Dude, I really don’t think it’s true. Jace was just being an asshole. He’s trying to destroy all his relationships by hurting anyone who loves him.” It’s so messed up and so straightforward at the same time. Maybe it’s that simple, but maybe not. I’m done trying to figure him out.
Zoe shrugs. “Yeah, but still, Wes goes back to Princeton in a couple days anyway. It’s no big deal.”
I take her bag and lead her back to the bunk room before hopping in the shower. After taking my time changing into comfy clothes, I venture through the house, wondering who, or what, I’ll find.
It seems everyone has congregated in the rec room. There are about fifteen of us, and enough games in the room to distract everyone from the hot tub showdown. I carefully avoid Wes at the foosball table and Jace playing shuffleboard, deciding to join Remy, Lexi, and Zoe at the card table.
They’re playing Euchre, a game that requires two teams of two people. Zoe just lost her partner to a ping pong match, so I’m in luck. With four competitive people involved, the card game provides the perfect distraction. The harsh look on Wes’s and Jace’s faces when they exchanged those words lingers in the back of my mind, but everyone seems intent on pretending it never happened and I am totally on board with that approach.
When couples start to shuffle off to bed and Remy ditches the game to smoke a joint, I make the decision that a girls-only dance party is absolutely necessary. An old boom box and CDs have been staring at me from a shelf while I played cards, and I know that getting her groove on will help Zoe recover from her funk.