I’m helping him to have a bath, to put his clothes on, to walk around the area. To make every single decision. He’s nervous when he can’t see me so I accompany him all the time. I’m not going to complain though. The gratefulness in his eyes makes the whole experience easier for me. He looks at me like a disabled child orphaned at birth, happy with my every little gesture. Like he loves me unconditionally for looking after him.
I will carry that strange disability with him. I will be patient and stubborn like he was patient and stubborn for me. I love him. I’m his wife. I want to be for him even though it hurts.
“I mean,” Athena pauses and her face turns bright red.
“No, I have no sex life if you need to know. I just... I don’t know. It would be like with a very drunken person.”
“His brain has been damaged but he is still a man. Just a thought.”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t look like he’s interested in sex at all.” I’m like a nun. I pray, look after my husband, pray and sleep. Weekly grocery shopping has become my main entertainment; sometimes a Colombian soap opera lulls me to sleep on the couch in the living room. I toss back my hair and straighten my back. “We lie in bed and it’s like we are in two different dimensions. Like you are with a stranger. He will roll on his side and that’s all. I don’t know whether I should even touch him.”
Athena sips her coffee. “Slowly, okay? Tiny steps.”
I wipe the tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. “Tiny steps.”
“Jax wants to take him for a ride tomorrow.”
“Sure, why not?”
“Axel wants to take him to the garage.”
A flutter goes through my stomach. “I think it’s too early. Zane is kind of sensitive to noise.”
“Okay, no rush. You’re his wife and you know what’s best for him.”
Do I? I’m lost like I’m walking in the dark.
Athena finishes her coffee and we say our goodbyes.
The next morning, Amanda visits me unexpectedly and drops into the chair at the kitchen table. “Go for a walk, Brianna. I will stay with Zane.”
“Are you sure? He’s nervous when I’m not around.”
“Go. I can manage. You need a break.”
“But—“
Amanda looks at me sternly. “I’m really grateful for your care over my son, but my grandchild needs a break. You’re pregnant, sweetie. Have you noticed?”
Her words stab me like a knife as guilt starts eating my insides. “You’re right. My baby needs a break. Thank you for your help.” I pull on a hoody and leave the apartment but it’s like an enormous magnet is pulling me back to Zane.
I need a walk, fresh air, a moment of solitude but every step farther away from Zane feels like a torture.
Passing the chapel, I see Gunner by Dash’s grave. We wave hands at one another then I turn into a narrow passage between two red bricked walls and move at a turtle pace. The urge to return to the apartment burns inside me violently, but my rationality pushes me forward. My baby needs this walk.
A sense of failure pricks my chest. I’m a hopeless mother. I don’t look after myself as properly as I should. The baby needs peace and happiness not my despair. The walk will do us both good.
The passage opens into a parking lot and I pass the oriental facade of a cafe.
“Brianna.”
A husky male voice makes me stop and turn around. A man moves closer to me. My God, he looks like a giant werewolf. One sweep of his arm could turn me into mash.
“Hi,” he says and extends his arm towards me to shake hands.
“Do we know each other?”
“You don’t know me, but I know you very well,” the man says. “I’m Mike, the private investigator your father hired to find you.”
“You—“
“Yes, me.”
I raise my hand and he grabs it with his, crushing it so I tear it away and shoot him a stern glance. “Nice to meet you, Mike.”
“Nice to meet you, Brianna.” His eyes slide over me and one corner of his lips crooks up. “You’re really good at escaping.”
“I guess you’re really good at finding people like me.”
“You were a challenge for me.”
“Your job is done as you can see.” I raise my palms.
“Yeah, it’s done. But tell me... Four dead end tracks—“
“At four different petrol stations,” I say and laugh. “With four wigs to vanish. Then four different motels. Yeah, I made sure they’d remember me.”
“And then no trace left.”
“It was by accident actually. I met a jazz band. Five old folks who felt really sorry for me and smuggled me onto the ship so I crossed the ocean like I was invisible.”
“Right,” Mike says and nods at me. “Are you busy at the moment?”
I want to tell him ‘fuck off’ but decide to be polite. “My husband is not well and—“
“I heard.” Worry clouds his face. “He’s a tough guy. He will be better.”
“If you excuse me, I need to go back.”
“Can I walk you home? I want to ask you something.”
Chapter 19
Brianna
“Aren’t you busy?” I hiss.
Mike raises his hands in a warding gesture. “Whoa, I heard pregnant women are difficult.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
“You should know. You are a private investigator.”
I realise that we’re walking along the bricked wall and our arms are touching.
“There is a room in Chaviva,” Mike says, his expression neutral.
“Are you living there?”
“From time to time. This room—“
“Why don’t you talk to my father, huh?”
“He doesn’t know that I discovered this room. The unconscious woman there looks like you, maybe a bit older. Is she your mother? Sister?”
I stop as coldness runs through my veins and I feel hair stand up on the back of my neck.
“The room has blast resistant walls,” Mike says. “And of course the grave. Ah, and the shit with the Bratva I unfortunately missed.”
“Talk to my father, Mike.”
Mike lays his hand on my shoulder. “It’s not what you’re thinking about. I’m just curious.” He strokes my back. “I’m working for your father. I thought he knew he could trust me.”
A thought hits me. He sounds honest and this is the strangest honesty I’ve ever heard in people. Rough, almost indistinct. Drilling to the bottom of my heart.
“You can trust me too,” he says firmly.
“We don’t know each other.”
“I know you very well. Now you know me too.” A grin spreads across his face. The guy knows women adore him. “I’m not a bad guy. Really.”
Something violent wells up in my chest, unstoppable like a tsunami then tears flow down my cheeks. Maybe I’m stupid, but I believe him. “We are really fucked up, all of us. And what happened to my husband, my mother...” My voice breaks as my body starts shaking.
Mike wraps his arms around me. “You are a family. That’s all that really counts. It will be alright.” He strokes my arm up and down and draws me closer to him. The scent of his woody cologne engulfs me as a painful yearning hangs on my heart, pulling it down like a piece of rock. I miss Zane’s arms around me so much. I miss his stability and strength and Mike reminds of what I’ve lost. “Go back to your husband and say my hello to him.”
I nod at him and feel like a delicate thread has just connected us. The meaning of our conversation is unclear to me, but Mike doesn’t evoke my fear. In fact, he exudes the aura of strength and stability and of something good like Zane. It soothes me.
“Maybe you could pop in one day,” I say.
“Sure. Now, go.”
I raise my palm at him and rush to the apartment. Amanda and I sit at the kitchen table to have a chat.
“Do you know Mike?” I ask.
“No, but Axel’s mentioned him a few times.”
“So, does Axel trust him?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m just curious. My father has employed him and it seems like this man is getting closer and closer to the family.”
“Axel thinks Mike would be a good asset to the Shadow Wolves.”
Right. The animal thinks Mike is a good guy so it seems like my subconscious assessed him correctly. Not that I trust Mike like I would trust every member of the club. I don’t know the guy, but he feels like I can rely on him, he’s a bit like a real wolf to me.
“They want to check him for a bit longer but it seems like he’s a decent man,” Amanda says. “Anyway, he is regarded as a prospect.” She finishes her coffee as we change the topic and talk about Zane, then she goes to her house.
It’s late in the afternoon so I prepare a bath for Zane, then take his hand and lead him to the bathroom.
“Do you want the lavender bubble or the chamomile bubble?” I ask.
Zane looks at me with nervousness sharpening his face.
“The lavender bubble is nice,” I say as he nods at me.
I lean over the bathtub and check the temperature of the water. It’s perfect. Zane pulls at the edge of his t-shirt and clumsily removes it.
“Good job, baby,” I say as joy fills my veins. “You can do that by yourself now. It’s great, isn’t it?”
Zane smiles at me as his face lights up for a brief moment.
Something heavy sits on my chest as I realise how much I miss him intimately. My eyes roam over the muscles of his chest and my hand jerks up then collapses lifeless. I sigh and my whole being stiffens.
I unbutton his trousers as I do every evening, mechanically, with my focus on the clothing not on Zane. He steps out of his trousers. I lift myself and my glance travels to his naked chest again. He’s such a beautiful man. My heart feels like a clawed hand is crushing it.
“Jump into the bathtub,” I say and stroke his arm up and down.
His skin is pleasantly warm to touch, his muscles still hard, evoking my yearning to feel the strength of his embrace once more.
My eyes flick over his cock. An urge courses through me. I want to hold his cock, stroke it and make it grow hard.
Embarrassment rolls over me. Painful sadness follows. I want my husband back so fucking desperately that I feel insane, but I’m scared to touch him like wife would touch husband. I’m scared that he’s too damaged to get aroused. I’m scared that we might never have sex again.
“Jump into the bathtub,” I shriek, choking back tears.
Zane nods at me and immerses himself into the water. I sit by the bathtub and pour some water onto his back.
“Very pleasant, isn’t it?” My voice has a crack as my throat narrows to a thin thread. I feel like I will crumble into pieces at any moment. Like I will die in agony.
“Very... very—“
“Pleasant.”
“Pleasant, Brianna.”
My hand freezes on Zane’s shoulder as anger rushes through my veins. Athena’s words flash through my head. Our love has to be nurtured, protected. Our love has to be saved at all cost. There’s no fucking way I’m going to give up on my husband, on our beautiful love. Very few people in the world are gifted with the love like ours. It’s like some fucking eighth wonder of the world. I was born for Zane and he was born for me.
I clutch the edge of the bathtub and raise myself then strip, tossing my dress and underwear onto the floor. Zane fixes his curious eyes on me as I step into the bathtub and sit on my heels between his folded legs.
“Now it’s much more pleasant, don’t you think, baby?” My hand strokes his cheek gently.
He smiles at me as I lean towards him and press my lips against his, running the back of my hand down his wet chest. Heat radiates from his skin to mine.
“Do you want more touching?” My lips touch his neck. “There will be more touching.” I plant kisses on his jaw then nibble on his earlobe. “More touching will do you good.”
“More touching, Brianna.”
Hope rises from the bottom of my heart like the sun rises on a beautiful summer day, flooding me entirely. I will fight for him. I will never give up.
My mouth covers his and I caress his lower lip with the tip of my tongue. His body shivers at my touch. I move my hand down to his groin and close my fingers around his cock.
My heart skips a beat. Zane is rock-hard. My husband wants me even though he can’t express it.
“You like it, huh?” I say. “We will brush our teeth and go to bed? There will be more touching.”
I twist my chest and reach out for our toothbrushes.
Zane obeys my commands like a well-behaved child as I encourage him to lather his body up with the soap and rinse the foam off. We step out of the bathtub and pat ourselves dry with the towels then I hold his wrist and lead him to our bedroom.
Zane lies down on the bed, his back against the mattress as I crawl on top of him.
“More touching as promised.” I nibble on his earlobe then run the tip of my tongue down his neck.
“More touching.” Zane’s hands rise and tremble.
I straddle his hips and take his wrists, guiding his palms so he touches my breasts. His face sharpens with pleasure. Stupid me. He must have missed our intimacy as much as I did.
I lean over him, brushing his lips with mine then hold his cock and lift my hips. The hunger in his eyes as I impale myself on his hard shaft is all that I need to know. It’s like I have him back. The whole of him.
“Good, isn’t it?” My hand strokes a path along his chest as I move my hips back and forth, absorbing the divine sensation of being full and stretched. “Very good.”
“Good, Brianna.”
“I will take care of you and you’ll love it, baby.”
I ride him faster with my hands placed on the mattress at either side of his head. His eyes flutter as his breathing accelerates. I know he’s on the brink so I take his wrist and put his palm on my ass. His body tenses beneath mine. I kiss his moan of satisfaction as his palm squeezes my ass cheek and he empties himself inside me.
“You see,” I say, gasping. “Touching is good for you.” As Zane’s breathing steadies, I lie down beside him and spread my folded legs. “Now it’s my turn, huh?”
I need my release so my fingers travel to my throbbing pussy and I stroke my swollen clitoris. The smell of our sex hangs heavy around us.
I put my other palm on Zane’s cheek and turn his face to mine. My lips search for his. His hand clumsily strokes my breast, but it’s so pleasant for me that I cum soon after. Then we kiss passionately as Zane touches my pregnant belly.
A sense of connection to something powerful and endless fills my veins. I’m grateful that my husband is alive. I’m grateful that I managed to find a way to him.
It’s not perfect, but I know it will only be better.
I kiss my husband’s lips then my mouth moves down to his neck and I worship his body like he would worship mine.
Planting kisses down his chest, I close my fingers around his cock then stroke him up and down. He grows hard again. The muscles of his abdomen tense under the touch of my mouth.
He growls from his throat as I draw his hard cock into my mouth and squeeze his balls gently.
I know what to do.
I bob my head up and down, working him faster, and he starts moaning. God, I’ve missed those sexy moans of his so much.
My tongue swirls around the head of his cock and I take him deeper into my mouth. His body stiffens then trembles as his seed spurts down my throat. I swallow it and move to look into his eyes, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
“My idea of your rehabilitation,” I say. “I’m going to fix you, Zane. I will rehabilitate you two-three times a day.”
Zane chuckles and I lie down beside him, melding into his body.
“I’m,” Zane rasps. “I’m... I’m all yours, sweethear
t.”
Chapter 20
Zane
Sometimes there is a disconnection between my mind and my body, between my needs and my actions as though I’m locked up in my own brain. Sometimes everything is dark as though my being is disintegrating and stops existing; pure nothingness lasting for an instant, that’s all I can tell.
My wife’s melodious voice always wrenches me out of that void. My wife’s naked body sliding against mine makes me feel alive, sane.
I’m scared that she will leave me, but her words to me say the opposite, give me hope.
It pisses me off that I can’t always control my fucking brain, but then my wife will take me to our bed and fuck me. Yeah, the fucking is good. My wife knows how to take care of me.
I stroke her pregnant belly and my daughter kicks me. We had a scan two days ago so I know the sex of the baby.
“She wants to see her daddy at last,” Brianna says.
“I want to see that little thing too. Hope she looks like... like...”
Brianna kisses my cheek and adds for me, “Hope she looks like me.”
It’s annoying, but it could be worse. I could have died for example.
“We have to go, baby. Everybody is waiting for you.” Brianna holds my hand in hers and squeezes it gently.
Butterflies fill my chest. My club are awaiting their president. I don’t know why Axel hasn’t taken over from me. Each time I ask him, he only growls ‘fuck off’.
We step out of our apartment, walk down the concrete stairs, and pour out of the building into the street. I can see Wendy’s shop across the road. Wendy finally buried her affection for Axel and moved on. Mac moved in with her to be precise. They seem to be happy. I’m happy too. Wendy was pain in the ass.
Brianna settles herself into the driver’s seat of her car as I take the passenger’s seat. After a ten-minute drive, we park in front of ‘Jilly Jet’. The boys are standing outside the bar in a prefect row. Axel is holding his boy in his arms whilst Sive is stroking her slightly round belly. Jax and Athena are leaning over the pram and trying to feed their baby daughter. Ma and Dad are smiling at me. There are also Gunner, Blaze and his family, Dimitri and Kolya. Mac, but without Wendy. Mike is alone as always. Our whole family.
Brianna (Shadow Wolves MC Book 2) Page 13