A painful thought crosses my mind. Gunner would be a perfect father. I wish I’d met him before meeting my husband. My boys would have been his sons.
Regret strangles my throat. I was so stupid. My irresponsible decisions destroyed my sons’ life.
A creaking sound diverts my attention towards the metal gate and I see Maria entering the garden. Blaze and their kids follow her.
Blaze is Boulder’s twin brother, but they are like two contradictions. The wildness inside Boulder resembles that of the dark forest whereas Blaze reminds me of the meadow bathing in the summer sunshine.
Maria wrenched Blaze out of the alcoholic hell he was sinking in after his first wife had left him. Now, he’s running his bar, but is drinking only alcohol-free beer. His strength evokes my amazement each time I look at him. He is a good man and Maria is a perfect match for him.
Blaze slaps Gunner on the back. “What are you doing here?”
Chapter Two
Gunner
I glance at Carrie. “I came to help Carrie with her kids.”
“You came to help Carrie with her kids?” Blaze says, mimicking my voice, and flashes a wide grin to Maria. He strokes his long silver beard.
Carrie’s jaw drops and she stares at me like I’m an idiot.
“Carrie needs help,” Maria says in a deep warm voice. I like her very much. She’s always nice to me. “She’s very tired.” She puts her hands on her generous hips as her full lips curl into a smile.
“I will take the boys for a walk tomorrow,” I say and look at Carrie with my heart pounding in my chest.
I hope she doesn’t get scared of me or something.
“It’s a good idea,” Carrie says.
I bow my head at her. “I’ll pick up the boys at three.” I back up and leave the house before Carrie changes her mind.
So the next day, I take the boys for a walk.
Carrie is waiting outside the house with them as I park my bike and jump off. I stride towards them and something pricks my heart like a thorn the moment I notice her subtle make-up. She must have met a nice guy and is probably going out with him tonight.
I bow my head at her and grab the boys’ hands.
“Have a good time,” Carrie says.
“You too, Carrie,” I say and walk away with the boys.
Heaviness presses against my chest. Beautiful girls go on dates. Ugly guys may only dream of them. But it’s not the end of the world. Two little guys are excited to spend time with me; this is a lot in life, so I plot how to entertain the three of us.
The boys shout and jump when I buy ice creams for them and a sense of contentment surges through me. I play football with them and then set them on my bike which makes them shake with excitement. But my mice are the best entertainment of the afternoon.
At six, I take the boys back to Blaze’s place. Carrie is waiting at the doorstep.
“Thank you,” she says and corrects the hem of her pale blue dress.
She should wear dresses. They make her look like she’s a delicate butterfly. A butterfly surrounded by the flames of her hair. I’d want to see her naked body wearing only those red tendrils. I really would.
“I will take them for a walk next week,” I say as Carrie’s jaw drops and uneasiness sits on my chest. “If you’re happy of course.”
“That’s very kind of you.”
“If you don’t want me to look after your boys—“
“No, I’m very happy with your help. So next Saturday?”
I bow my head at her and walk off.
For a month, I’m picking up the boys and taking them for a walk. Each time, Carrie says ‘hi’ and ‘have a good time’ then ‘thank you’ and ‘see you next week’.
I don’t dare think that she likes me. She probably doesn’t and that’s okay. Why would she like such an ugly guy like me? I like her very much though. I jerk off every night, thinking of her. I would kiss her lips, her breasts and her pussy. I would love her.
Tonight, I’m standing in front of Carrie in the garden and the boys have just crawled into the house.
“Next week as always?” I ask.
“Actually, I need a walk too,” Carrie says and her long eyelashes flutter as she twins her fingers with her hair.
“I have a better idea, actually,” Maria says from behind Carrie. “What about this? Blaze and I will take all the kids for a trip to the zoo and you, Gunner, could take Carrie for a walk?”
I nod at Maria. “I will take Carrie for a walk if she wants me to.”
Carrie widens her eyes at me. “At three next week?”
“At three.” I bow my head at her and leave the garden as fast as possible in case Carrie decided to change her mind.
My head fills with a strange emptiness and suddenly, I find myself in front of Axel’s house. But it’s very convenient because I need to ask him a few questions.
I knock on the door and Sive opens it for me. She sends me a beautiful smile and gestures for me to come inside. Her pregnant belly is so big that she gasps with each movement.
I walk inside and notice Axel sitting in the couch.
“You okay?” Axel asks.
“I need to talk,” I say.
“About what exactly?”
“About girls.”
Axel runs his fingers through his hair and Sive chuckles.
“About girls you’re saying,” Axel says. “So sit down. We’ll talk about girls.”
Sive goes to the kitchen and puts the kettle on then opens the fridge and takes out two bowls as I settle myself next to Axel.
“I’m going for a walk with Carrie next week,” I say.
“That’s perfect,” Axel says.
Sive puts the food and drinks on the coffee table and Axel pulls her onto his lap, sinking his face into her neck and making her giggle. Then our glances meet.
My hands sweat and shake. “I can’t talk to girls.”
“Maybe Carrie doesn’t like talking,” Axel says.
“I’m not very good-looking,” I say.
“Maybe Carrie doesn’t pay attention to the appearance,” Axel says and Sive nudges his chest with her elbow.
Axel nuzzles her cheek with his nose then her hair with his mouth. I think he wants to fuck her. Don’t blame him. Sive is beautiful.
“Buy her flowers,” Sive signs, then kisses Axel’s cheek and rises to her feet. “I’m going to bed.”
Axel pats her ass with his palm and she goes upstairs.
“Buy her flowers,” Axel says.
“She probably doesn’t like me anyway.”
“You don’t know that yet. You didn’t propose to her or something?”
“No.”
“Good. Take her for that fucking walk and don’t touch her. Understood?”
I nod at him. “Understood.”
I’ve never had a girlfriend but Axel used to take me to the strip club. Twice a month, sometimes once every two months. It had been before he met Sive. Old times.
He paid the strippers to entertain us. They sucked our dicks or sometimes rode us. They smiled at me but this was only because Axel gave them very generous tips.
Now, Axel has Sive and he is mean to all the women of the world apart from her and Amanda. I have Dash and my mice. And Carrie’s boys. It’s a lot to live for.
“I’m helping Carrie with her boys,” I say.
“Good.” He nods at me and slaps my arm. “Eat something.”
We won’t be drinking alcohol because Sive is almost nine months pregnant and Axel wants to be able to take her to the hospital if that is needed. I don’t mind though. I prefer to sit and talk to him instead of getting drunk with him.
“Carrie is really pretty,” I say.
“And she’s not stupid.”
“She’s very tiny.”
Axel nods as a grin crosses his face. “Eat something, Gunner.” He puts his elbows on his lap. “Tiny girls are even better when they’re pregnant.” His eyes blaze and wander off to somewhere far from he
re. He glances back at me. “No fucking touching Carrie before I say so. Understood?”
“Understood.”
I eat Sive’s delicious salad and smell my herbal tea. My insides twist at the sharp aroma.
“Drink it,” Axel says in a quiet voice, leaning towards me. “My wife’s recipe. Very healthy.” He grabs his mug, winces in disgust and swallows the tea, looking like he will throw up at any moment. “Drink.”
So I drink my tea and retch. Tears fill my eyes.
“It’s good to have a wife,” Axel says. “She’ll cook healthy stuff for you. Like seafood.” Fear flickers in his eyes for a split second.
The wide eyes of prawns flash through my mind and a wave of nausea rolls over my stomach.
“You can dip prawns in mayonnaise,” I say.
“Mayonnaise isn’t healthy,” Axel says and nods.
I nod back. “You can wash them down with beer.”
“Yeah, you can. And you will eat them even twice a week because your wife loves cooking them for you.”
“It’s good to have a wife.”
I would eat seafood three times a week and I would be happy with this if Carrie was my wife and cooked for me.
Axel and I shake hands. Then I go to my house.
My parents died some time ago and I have no siblings. Axel pays me well for my work in his garage so I can afford a nice sports car and a trip to Europe twice a year.
I don’t need much in life. Just a warm woman to love. There is the endlessness of love inside me, just no woman wants to take it.
I go to have a shower. Turning on the hot water, I hold my hard cock and stroke it, thinking about Carrie. Her lips are red and moist like rose petals sprinkled with the diamonds of dew. I would gently massage her fragile body with my palms and kiss every inch of her glowing skin. I’d worship her. Then I’d fuck her hard. The droplets of sweat would cover her porcelain skin and wet wisps of her hair would cling to her face and back. My chest would slide against her back and she’d shake in my arms, cumming on my cock, whispering how much she loves me.
I’d tell her that I love her too.
I cum almost at once, lather myself up with the shower gel, rinse the foam off then step out of the shower cabin and pat myself dry with the towel.
There is emptiness in my house, spreading like a black void. It creeps inside me and I feel lonely like never before.
My first thought is to play the computer game I love but I decide to visit Dash instead.
Squatting down by his grave, I remove dried leaves and burn a candle.
“So, how are you Dash?”
A bird answers me. The sky is grey as a red ribbon of fire fades on the horizon.
“I’m fine,” I say. “Carrie’s boys like me, ya know. It would be nice to be a father. You wanted to be a father, remember?”
Cicadas start singing as the mysterious dimness of the early night takes possession of the world in hums, scrunches and a biting chill.
“It’s safe now. Safe enough to be a father and husband. You could be a husband if you were alive now.” I rise to my feet. “See ya.”
A week later, I take a shower, shave my face and buy flowers for Carrie. Then I jump into my car and drive to pick up Carrie.
Carrie
Panic strangles my throat and nausea rolls over my stomach. My hands shake as I try on another dress. I should put a black bin bag on. The dress will only expose my nonexistent breasts.
I was breastfeeding my boys because I wanted them to be healthy. My breasts look like a sad memory of my previous assets. Stretch marks adorn my tummy like a delicate cobweb, another souvenir after my two pregnancies.
It’s not that I regret it though. I don’t. My little treasures are healthy. They’re my light in the darkness, my joy, my whole world. I just want to be beautiful for Gunner I guess.
A thought crosses my mind. Gunner is very tall so he must be a well endowed man. A throbbing tension fills my tummy as I imagine how big Gunner’s cock may be.
It feels taboo and dirty and heat seizes my cheeks. I wonder whether it would be painful if Gunner fucked me. My pussy clenches with need. I wouldn’t mind the pain. I would indulge myself in it.
I scold myself for my indecent thoughts in my mind and decide to put a skirt and blouse on as the hum of a car engine drifts into the bedroom from outside of the house. I pull the net curtain away and notice a sports car slowing down and stopping. Gunner gets out of it. Gosh, he looks so handsome in his white shirt and black trousers, but I don’t dare think that his elegant clothes mean something. He’s trying to be nice. This is who he is, after all, a nice guy.
My heart jumps up to my throat as I fly down the stairs to open the door for him. Blaze and Maria took the four kids to the zoo three hours ago.
“Hi!” Gunner says in a cold voice and hands me a bunch of roses.
He looks aloof, but the bouquet must have cost a fortune so I don’t know what to think.
“Hi!” I mumble as the scent of the roses settles in my nostrils, sweet and intoxicating.
Gunner bows his head at me which causes warmth to fill my chest. He offers his elbow so I put the flowers into a vase, loop my arm through his and let him lead me to his car.
We drive towards the town centre and park in front of Sive’s art gallery. Gunner opens the car door for me and holds a hand out for me.
“I haven’t seen Sive’s drawings yet,” I say.
“You wanna see them?”
“Yes.”
Gunner nods at me and we walk into the gallery.
Sive is sitting in a wide green armchair, her palm on her enormous pregnant belly. She rises to her feet at the sight of us and moves closer to greet us in sign language. I don’t understand her at all but I don’t have to. Her whole being oozes friendliness and warmth tinged with some subtle darkness. Maybe this is her scar or her damaged eye? Definitely, there is the aura of mystery around her.
“Look around, Carrie,” Gunner says.
I saunter along the wall. The drawings are beautiful and two of them grab my attention at once. They represent steam punk vampires.
Somebody’s hot breath brushes the back of my neck and a tingle runs down my back.
“Do you like them, Carrie?” Gunner asks in a bit of a hoarse voice.
“They’re really interesting,” I say. “Yes, I like them very much.”
Gunner takes the frames off the wall and goes to Sive. He takes out his wallet and pays for the drawings. I’m so stunned that I can’t move.
Gunner hands the drawings to me. “Anything else you like here, sweetheart?”
“I’m—“
“Just pick up whatever you like.”
“Thank you but only those two. That’s very generous of you. Thank you again.”
Gunner bows his head at me and offers me his elbow. We say our goodbyes to Sive and go for a walk in town. After half an hour, Gunner takes me back to Blaze’s house. He opens the car door for me, helps me get out then walks me to the front door.
“Thank you, Carrie,” he says and bows his head at me.
I realise that I love this gesture. It’s as though he’s a knight and I’m his princess, very romantic.
Gunner backs up and jumps into his car.
Disappointment fills me like a real fire has seized my chest. I want to scream.
I hoped he would kiss me. But he didn’t.
I hoped he would grope me a little. But he didn’t either.
I know why. He’s just a nice guy who’s trying to be nice to a tired single mom.
Chapter Three
Gunner
Axel said not to touch Carrie so I didn’t touch her. I wanted to kiss her badly though.
I get out of the car and enter my house. My cock is so hard that it aches. My balls ache. My heart crumbles into pieces and it’s painful too.
I want to kiss Carrie, but only on her cheek. This would be enough. She wouldn’t probably like it if I kissed her lips but kissing a cheek wouldn’t repulse
her. It would make me the happiest man on the face of the earth.
I circle around my living room, my fingers threading through my hair. My muscles tense up and my stomach flutters, causing a wave of nausea to surge through me. I want to sit down, but I can’t. I have to move. It’s as though I’m a puppet controlled by a malicious person.
Axel said ‘no fucking touching’, but my rationality fades and an unstoppable desire replaces it. I start running. I’m going to kiss Carrie on her cheek.
Not that I don’t want to fuck Carrie. I want to fuck her badly. But she’s not a whore and I can’t pay her to want me.
My legs are long so I can run really fast. The air smacks my face as I pick up the pace. My heart races in my chest.
As I approach Blaze’s house, a sharp noise reaches my ears. Somebody is shouting. A woman is crying. Coldness rushes through my veins. I clench my jaws and tumble into the house then go straight to the kitchen.
A man in his late twenties is leaning over Carrie who’s sitting on the floor, cross-legged. Blood is dribbling from her nostrils.
They both raise their eyes to me.
“Get off her,” I say through gritted teeth.
“Fuck off, you long cunt,” the man says with a high-pitched crack in his voice. “Is that harvester fucking you, Carrie? Is he? Answer me, you fucking bitch.” He turns to me. “Are you fucking my wife? Are you?” He sweeps his hand above Carrie’s head but doesn’t hit her.
Carrie sniffles as rage spreads in my veins. It’s black like the midnight’s sky and hot like the fire in hell. Unstoppable.
“I will take the boys and you will never see them again,” the man says. “Can you hear me, you ungrateful bitch?” He shows me his middle finger. “Get lost.”
“Move away from Carrie,” I say.
“My wife is none of your fucking business.” He threatens me with his fist then sweeps his hand just in front of Carrie’s face.
That’s enough. Nobody is allowed to offend Carrie. Nobody will hurt her. I won’t allow anybody to hit her again.
My body becomes taut as I spurt towards the man. My cold instinct is all that guides me.
I grab the man’s throat with my hand and slam my other fist into his abdomen. He’s no match for me. He’s just a piece of scum with the years of excessive drinking chiselled on his face.
Brianna (Shadow Wolves MC Book 2) Page 17