"Scott, don't cry. I know it's embarrassing, but I've forgiven you for it. I know now you couldn't help it. In fact it was perhaps an attempt by you to make me see what you wanted, but back then I couldn't.” April took my head to her bare chest and comforted me as my mind began to work on what she meant by an attempt to make her see.
"What do you mean? I pleaded.
"Scott, don't you see? Everything points to it. You aren't a dominant man; you're a submissive one with I'm assuming a serious desire to be female. I realized after that night it wasn't the first time you'd done it because I'd seen odd stains of my panties in the past. You have to see at the very least you're a cross-dresser, Scott, but I suspect and Paulo agrees, your desires probably go a lot deeper than that.” April's voice was animated and seemingly certain, but could I be like she was saying?
When I didn't say anything, she continued. “Please don't shut down or pull away from me. You need to confront this. If this was a plea from you, I should have helped you do that back then, but I was too caught up in my own needs.” April sounded like she was apologizing to me for not being there for me and that made me realize she was on my side, but in balance I remembered what was in the bottom drawer of my bureau at home. Three soft and silky pairs of panties were hidden there and while I hadn't put them on in two years I knew they were there and no doubt I had masturbated in them prior to that Saturday night when it all became something to be suppressed.
"So what are you saying, April? I'm some perv who needs help? How are you going to help me with this?” My voice betrayed my fears, my shame, and perhaps a lack of belief that I could be helped.
April got animated again showing she was clearly prepared for this question. “I showed you the real me and I had to have courage to make that happen. Do you have the courage to explore your sexuality and become the real you? If you do I have a plan to help you."
What does she mean? Does she mean do it, live in real life? I can't do that, can I? I was frozen unable to respond, but April saw that.
"Listen, when I talked to Paulo he said . . .” April was interrupted by a loud wail from me.
She had said his name before, but I hadn't made the connection then because I was so upset. This time I realized what she'd done. “You talked about this . . . with him!” I could not believe it and waves of fresh shame rolled over me.
April looked frightened as if she was worried she'd lose me. “I had to, he knows this stuff. I had to have his expertise on dominance and submission or I would never have known what to do. No one thinks less of you. Will you listen to what he thinks?"
Suddenly my mind opened to a possibility I'd never imagined. Could April and Paulo understand me better than I did. It was obvious I didn't fully understand my sexuality, but could I trust them to help me. “Yes, I guess so. What can it hurt now?"
April took hold my hand and squeezed it before beginning. “We discussed you at length and he says the reason you think you have dominant fantasies is you're confused about who you really want to be. You see the picture and it excites you and so you look at the dominant man and identify with him. Your learned masculinity tells he must be what you want to be, but remember there is someone else in the picture, the submissive female.” She paused there to let me fill in the blank and it took a moment but I did.
"So you're saying I really want to be the sub and a girl?” It seemed impossible to believe my submissive and cross-dressing behavior went that deep, but as I thought about it, it did make some sense. When I looked at the pictures I never thought of what the dominant male was thinking or feeling, instead I saw her pretty face and wondered what emotions made her want this, and how it felt to be totally at his mercy.
April squeezed my hand again. “Paulo says you fear it because of your fear of crossing over the established roles males are supposed to play in our society. It's embarrassing, just like when you found out I talked to him, to expose these desires to another man. They aren't what men are supposed to be, but who decides that?"
What she said sounded right and so freeing, but was it possible? “So how would I explore these things?"
"Scott, you want to be submissive and you like dressing like a woman. Paulo feels you see yourself as a female submissive and you likely want to be dominated, at least at the beginning, by a female. He suggested to me how I can give you a chance to see if it's all true.” April clearly seemed to have bought into her Master's thoughts and she believed it could help me find myself.
And truthfully, who was I to be sure it wouldn't. “How would you do that?"
"Together, we would explore both your sexuality and your need for submission. I would be your dominant because Paulo says it would be too hard for you to expose yourself to a man right away. He would be in the background as my guru as it were, but I would dominate you taking you as far as you wanted to go.” April's face was now alive with excitement, which seemed to betray that despite being a sub she was indeed anticipating this new role.
Submit to April. Let her dominate and control me. As it permeated my mind it sounded amazing as if it were a dream comes true, but could it really happen? “You're willing to do that, for me?"
April nodded. “Yes, Scott, I am. I consider it something I perhaps should have done back then, but I couldn't. To tell you the truth, it scared me when Master first proposed it, but it was because I thought it meant losing my status as his slut. I'm warming to it now and I think it can work.” She hugged me and I felt her bountiful breasts press against me.
I realized how great a sacrifice this was on April's part and it made me feel she really did care about me. In this one unselfish act, she had wiped away my angst over her dumping me.
Suddenly I remembered something, another detail I must have buried after April discovered my secret, and it seemed to confirm what was going on. One night many years ago before our relationship, I'd been surfing on line and a very interesting, but kinky book had grabbed my attention. In an unusually bold move for me, I had purchased it and had it shipped to me. As I read it, I felt like I was hyper-sexualized as I couldn't read a chapter without masturbating because it turned me on so much. The book was titled “Reversal” and it told the story of a meek husband who'd been transformed, mentally and physically, into a female by his wife. Interestingly enough, his wife didn't just make him into just any female; she influenced and trained him to become a sexually promiscuous slut-whore. I hadn't seen the book in years, but no doubt it was still where I last left it hidden deep in the back of my closet.
"I know this is hard, Scott, but don't slip back into denial.” It was April, shaking me by the shoulder.
I heard April and I nodded to her, but just then another long buried memory hit me. When I was fourteen I had snuck into my older sister's room and touched her panties and pantyhose. Back then, I hadn't dared to try them on and I hadn't been caught, but it had happened. More and more, I was seeing April's offer as a life preserver thrown to a drowning man.
"How would we start?” The words just came out of my mouth.
"You would become my slave, Scott, and part of being a slave is giving up control. Now that's not to say you wouldn't have the chance stop things if you wished, but I intend to be serious like Paulo was with me.” April was deftly leading me down a path all submissives had to travel at least once.
"Serious, like bondage and punishment?” I asked because the inevitable truth of my situation was starting to seep in.
"Yes, but I think you want to be my bitch, Scott. You want me to dress you in soft, silky lingerie and make you serve me. You want to tongue me until your jaw is sore and then have me spank you hard on your little sissy bum if you don't behave. I even think you want to be humiliated eventually.” April teased me with dirty talk and it was hot, firing my arousal me.
"Yes, I want to be your bitch.” In my head, visions sprouted of being on my knees, helpless before her, but then I hit a roadblock. It wasn't just April and I, there was Paulo.
"What about Paulo? What w
ill he do to me?” My homophobic male instinct flared at the thought of Paulo watching me.
"To me Paulo is my Master, but to you he is simply my advisor. He will sometimes watch and interact with me, but he promised me he would never touch you unless you wanted him to. He's quite aware of you have a sensitivity to other males touching you.” April seemed clear what Paulo's role would be, but I still wasn't sure.
"Does he have to watch?” Unfortunately, my question came out like a whine child.
April was firm. “Yes he does because I need him there for his expertise. Without him as a resource I'm not sure I can do this so he will be there at times, but not at all times. If you can't deal with it then I'll withdraw my offer."
This was perhaps my very first lesson as a submissive. My dominant had made me a firm and fair offer, but one which had some qualms about. I could reject it and go back to my life of denial, or peck away at discovering myself on my own with no help, or I could do as submissives do, accept things despite their initial fears.
"Alright, I'll think on it. I don't have to decide right away do I?"
"No, it's best you give it a lot of thought because to succeed you'll have to be committed.” There was feeling in April's words.
"Committed? What do you mean?” Her certainty scared me.
"Scott, it's a bumpy road, submission. There will be things you don't like, but the joys of submitting are after the fact, after you've accepted the things you don't like. If you're like me, the most pleasure you'll feel will be in giving pleasure to your dominant. This is part of the reason submission is harder for men, they aren't as used to giving as women. One thing's for sure, you and I will know each other far more intimately than we did before, because you won't be pretending anymore.” April hugged me again and I believed her.
When she released me, she looked up and there were tears in her eyes. “Please, Scott, give me a chance to make you as happy as I am."
It suddenly dawned on me that I was going to do this. I couldn't go this far, plunge this deep in to Pandora's Box, without trying it.
After taking a deep breath, I tried to put some order to my thoughts. “I think I want to do this and I think you're right about me, but I'm scared, really fucking scared."
"Okay, that's all I need right now. Paulo says you should think it over this weekend because the mind is much slower accepting things than you think. I'll talk to Paulo and develop a plan of action and then we'll try some things, little things to see if you're ready for more.” She looked at me and broke out laughing. “I'm sorry. Did you think it was all going to happen tonight?"
I realized I must have looked expectant, but I easily let it go. However what did make me respond was a thought about Paulo, who was indeed the unknown factor for me. Suddenly I wanted to know more about him. “Your Master, what's he like? Could you tell me how you met him?"
She giggled. “Sure, I'd love to.” There was a glee in April's voice. “He's three years older than me and he was born and raised in Texas. He's an experienced Dom with both male and female subs, but he says he prefers females. We met at a club where I nearly pissed myself when he walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to serve him. I mean what do you say to that? I was so freaked I just giggled, but guess who I went home with that night?"
The answer was obvious so I probed further. “I see, sounds like quite a guy. So did you serve him or just have sex?"
April smiled and her eyes looked sort of dreamy like she was recalling that night. “You don't just have sex with his type, you serve and you feel lucky to have been allowed to. I know that sounds impossible and I can't really explain it, but you may begin to feel it when you met him. We'll see.” April paused, but then she grabbed my hand and spoke with urgency. “Remember this, Scott, as a sub you must crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run, and most of the time you're scared, but the fear it's the best part. It's like the flavor.” April squeezed my hand and I knew she was giving me good advice.
Then in a complete change of mood, April giggled sporadically and I didn't understand what was so funny.
"Okay, what's the joke?” I queried as I wondered if I really wanted to know.
"Oh, nothing, just trying to picture you wearing lip gloss, a wig, and with some killer lashes. You'll be a knockout.” She continued to giggle.
I wasn't as sure as April seemed to be, but no doubt over the next few days or weeks I would find out what it was to be feminized. The best I could do now was to try not to let my anxieties get the better of me. “Do you really think so, or are you just fooling with me?"
"Nope, I really think you'll be a pretty girlie.” She shook her head as if resolved to make me a pretty girl.
I sat in silence a moment thinking about what I was considering and then it just happened, no doubt because of the relief of the stress of suppressing it for all these years. The tears came and they just wouldn't stop.
As I sat balling my head off, April embraced me and held me. Her naked, soft body felt so good and I felt so anxious to begin to serve her, but more importantly I wanted to thank her.
"Thank you, April, if for nothing else than helping me see myself today. Even if I can't do this, I'll remember today forever.” Despite the raging of my male instincts against my crying, tears continued to flow as if the feminine side of me was let out and had to be dealt with now let.
After a while, April turned her head to the clock on the wall. “Ohh, look at the time. They're going to wonder where we are back at the office. I bet there'll be talk, like you and I are getting back together.” She paused a second and wiped tear from her eye. “Well, I suppose in a way we are, but not at all how they think."
I also contemplated what April was insinuating and I wondered how this would change how we interacted at the office. If she was my dominant, would I even be the boss there anymore or would she truly be in charge.
I watched her lithe body rise and scurry to the bedroom to get dressed. While she dressed I got more excited over what was to come, so much so that when she came out I asked. “So over the weekend, should I do something for you? Do you have any instructions for me?"
April looked at me and laughed. “Well, I'm not sure about the weekend yet, but right now you could start by calming your little soldier down. If you don't they'll all be certain we were fucking around.” She pointed to the erection tenting my pants.
I looked down at my erection and it brought home to me how ready I was. “It should go down by then, I hope."
However it didn't turn out to be that easy as while April drove back to the office my erection only seemed to grow harder as I thought about going femme. In the end, I had to use the public men's room on the ground floor to masturbate in a stall before it would go down and this episode left little doubt in my mind as to whether or not I was ready for this.
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Chapter 3
As we parted at her jeep, April had told me she and Paulo would be away this weekend and so I was on my own. She hinted that I might want to explore my cross-dressing fantasies in a deeper way and her idea appealed to me.
After I got done relieving my erection, the idea of going to my office and sitting there pretending to work didn't sound good, so after going up I simply announced to a few key people I was going home and promptly took the elevator back down to the parking garage and my sporty, black Mazda Miata. The car was a toy, one of the few I indulged in, which my increased salary had made possible, but as I pulled out of the parking garage in a burst of exhilarating speed I wondered if even this was a way to cover my submissive desires. What if I'd given in to these desires earlier in life? Would I even recognize a submissive, feminized version of myself if I met her on the street?
Of course these were questions with no answer, at least not yet, but they were intriguing me now. I simply couldn't stop thinking about a possible new life as a woman.
Over the weekend I indulged my cross-dressing fetish. On the way home Friday I stopped at Walgreens
and bought two items. I'd always wanted to feel my skin bereft of hair so it was smooth like a woman's so I bought Nair Aloe Vera hair removal cream designed to be used before showering to rid your body of unwanted hair. Also, since my cache of female clothing consisted of only three pairs of microfiber panties, I decided to spice things up by purchasing a pair of pantyhose so I could feel the nylon on my newly smoothed legs. Of course there was the to-be-expected rise in anxiety as I placed my items on the counter before the pretty, young, female cashier, but she didn't seem to even notice my purchases because she never even gave me a curious look.
After I got home, I applied the cream pre-shower and gave it the required time to do its work. An after shower examination of my body in the mirror was both exciting and eye-opening because all the hair on my legs, belly, chest, and even my crotch was gone and the skin felt so much softer. Of course, when I looked at my flaccid penis without manly pubic hair it seemed more like a little boy's pee-pee than a man's, but somehow that didn't bother me too much.
After that I donned a pair of black panties and my new nude pantyhose and spent the rest of the weekend simply lounging around the house luxuriating in their feel. Of course this only fed my urge to jerk off and by Sunday night I had masturbated so much I had problems getting hard for one last spend. This feminine exploration was the most enjoyable weekend I spent in years and it put to rest any doubts I had about dressing like a woman.
Monday morning came and I felt an almost childlike excitement to return to the office to see April. There was still uncertainty in my mind about Paulo, but I felt I could give April a definite commitment to serve as her feminized slave. After I arrived I saw April arrive and she smiled at me as I sat in my office. Part of me wanted to simply go to her and tell her I was in, completely and wholeheartedly, but I wondered if I would seem too anxious to her. Despite my desire to see her, I decided to wait until about ten when I stopped my work to take a break and I ambled toward April's office.
Scott's Dominant Fantasy Page 3