A few women called out to him, trying to get his attention and talk to him, but all he saw was the look of utter disappointment on Max’s face as he shook his head and flipped Kel the bird.
“I’m taking your cut tonight,” Max told him right before Kel broke into a run and burst into the back entrance of his personal residence.
He flung himself into his bathroom, and out of nowhere, everything he’d eaten that day was flying out of him.
His knees dug into the dirty tile, his hands gripped the grimy toilet seat, and he hunched over the bowl as he vomited until he couldn’t breathe any longer.
“Oh, Christ—it’s starting again,” he grunted before his stomach lurched and he was on round two of heaving up what should’ve stayed buried, along with his past.
“Goddamn fucking woman, messing with my scrambler.” His abs contracted then his face heated and was damp with sweat as that sickly green feeling swamped him, almost taking him down completely.
The moment he threw up the device he’d made to thwart the tracker and had it in his hands, he managed to get up and wash it off with what was left of the little sliver of bar soap he had. Next he found some antacids, chugged them down with some water.
Faster. He had to move faster before they found him.
The second his stomach felt quasi-normal, he swallowed the metal contraption back down. He knew he should run, but his legs were uncooperative and his head foggy.
“Oh, God!” he moaned when he felt the jab and pin pricks of it anchoring into his belly’s inner lining.
He lumbered back out into his bedroom, crashed on the bed and made unintelligible sounds until sleep pulled him down into one of his many nightmares.
It was night. Always night—always the darkest, bleakest, scariest night ever.
“Get rid of it. I told you this was dangerous,” he whispered in the deepest part of the shadows.
“Liam, I want to keep it,” the woman cried, tears racing down her cheeks. “I didn’t free you for this! We’re gonna be a family.”
“I know you think you should keep it, sweetheart, but you simply can’t. It’s not okay.”
She shoved his hand off her shoulder and glared.
“You think you know all the answers, don’t you?” Her eyes twisted into a painful grimace.
He covered her mouth with his, trying to keep her from saying too much or being too loud.
This was unsafe. Everything about it unwise.
The next thing he knew, she was crashing him into the tree behind him, she was tearing his clothes off, and that familiar burn on his skin took over.
But he needed this.
He’d die without it.
“Yes, fuck, yes—your mine,” he ground out, ripping her jeans down her legs, just far enough so he could gain access.
He turned her around, shoved her chest into the trunk of the tree so she couldn’t touch him, and in the process, something pricked into his hand and stung as she dragged her hands down his. Had something bit him?
He ignored it, pushed her panties aside, and he was inside her, thrusting and panting in her ear, “Don’t you dare touch me. If you do, I’ll stop. And you fucking love it when I invade your pussy, don’t you, my little slut?”
“Liam, please . . . God, keep going,” she whimpered, digging her nails into the bark of the tree to keep herself steady.
He was vicious, and he came hard from slamming himself inside her, but he thought she could take it.
She had before.
She always had.
This time though, her whimpers turned to sounds of excruciating pain, like he was ripping her up inside.
His body stopped right away.
He pulled out.
Blood.
Everywhere.
On her legs, on her feet, on the tree, and even on him.
“Oh, fuck! No! I told you—I told you this would kill you!” he said in a hoarse whisper, backing away from her while putting his clothes back on; eyes lifted up as high as they could go from the horror of it all.
She slowly turned around, tripped for a moment as she shuffled toward him and then she screamed.
Her body doubled over, and something red, slimy and disgusting dropped out of her pussy.
It squirmed, and then she was gone.
She fell like a lump with a loud crashing sound; the life sucked out of her eyes.
“My baby!” he choked out, crawling on the ground over to the mass of bloody flesh between her legs on the ground.
He touched it, but it no longer wiggled, and it was cold.
A moment later, there were cars squealing around the corner, and he could feel it. In his navel, the way they always found him when he touched a woman and wasn’t careful.
He was stupid this time, letting his absolute debilitating need for a woman’s touch take over him. He’d climaxed somehow without fainting, and they’d find him once more.
Why had he done this? So stupid!
“I’m sorry, Hannah . . . I love you, and our child.” He kissed her frozen, lifeless lips as she laid there unmoving, then he got up and ran.
He ran until he was blinded by searing pain in his head.
He ran until he barreled his way into a nightclub.
He ran until he didn’t know who he was anymore.
He ran because there was nothing else to do about who he was.
And he ran most of all because his life was a nightmare with no touch and no hope of ever living as anything more than a monster.
Chapter 3
Kel woke in a sweat, his breathing ragged and his heart feeling like it was trying to claw its way out of his chest. He ripped his shirt off and threw it on the floor.
Without delay, he was out of the bed, grabbing for his bottle of Jack Daniel’s he kept nearby and was downing it in voracious gulps the second it touched his lips.
Can’t do this.
Can’t let these dreams happen again.
He wiped the back of his hand across his forehead, pushing his damp hair back and out of the way.
His legs were unsteady, so he lowered himself to the floor and curled into a ball, rocking back and forth.
One.
Two.
Three.
Three more hours, and he could find a way to deal with this.
It was three in the morning, and by six places would begin to open; he could leave, get something to eat and find a hotel to stay at.
He banged his forehead on his knees over and over for what seemed like an hour, swallowing away his misery with each swig of his Jack between those jarring hits to his skull.
When that warm, relaxed feeling took over and his mind went fuzzy, he reached for his phone on his nightstand.
His other hand dove into his pocket, pulling out a little piece of paper and then he was dialing.
Ring, ring, ring.
“Come on, you bitch. Stop fucking with me and pick up,” he muttered into his phone.
“Heh-l-lo?” a soft voice rasped.
“Is this Casey Long?” He read her full name off the card.
“Who am I speaking to?” she asked, sounding a little more alert.
“It’s Kel, bitch—who do you think it is?”
“Kel? I don’t know any . . . Oh, Kellll.” She exhaled and something scratched across the receiver end of her phone. “Why are you calling me?”
“I . . . Fuck, I don’t . . .”
“Did Jana give you my number? I told her to say sorry, nothing else. Jesus—I knew she’d do something like this.”
“Apology accepted, you dirty cunt, so will you listen to me?”
“I’m hanging up now. I don’t allow anyone to talk to me that way—least of all men like you.”
“Men like me?” His vision blurred so he lay down before he got dizzy. Too much Jack.
“Yeah—the kind that abuse women for fun. I’m not into that shit, so you can just call some other woman to fuck around with.” She paused then added, “Besides, I’m sure y
ou’ve got them lined up outside your club door nightly. It’s not like you’re hurting for women.”
“I’m hurting from you.”
“That’s not . . .” The line went silent.
“You did something to me, and I want it back.” He closed his eyes and rubbed them with the heel of his free hand.
“Want what back? Are you high—’cause you’re not making any sense at all.” Her breath pounded into the phone like she was exerting herself by getting up out of bed.
“I’m drunk. I was puking after you left, and it almost caused me a huge problem, but I managed to get it back down quick enough so I won’t get caught.”
“Kel, listen to me—I don’t know what you drank, but you’re scaring me here. Sounds like maybe you’ve been poisoned. You need to get to a hospital and get your stomach pumped right away,” she said, her voice tight.
“I can’t. Hospitals would be the best way to get caught and killed. I can’t ever go there.” His arm flopped to the side and he opened and flexed his fist to get the feeling back in it. His skin was prickling and going numb just thinking about her touch. “You touched me tonight.”
“Kel, I’m serious—get some medical attention, now!”
“No. I want you. I want you to help me. You said you would. Your friends said you would. I just need a woman—can you understand that? I just need to touch you,” he said, his tone desperate as he searched his foggy brain for the right words to make it all okay. “But you can’t touch me back. I don’t want to break you. I like you.”
A soft breath whispered across the line. “I like you, too, but this isn’t good. You sound sick—like you need some help.”
“Just you. Only you can help me. Can I come see you?”
“What—now? It’s . . .” there was shuffling around “. . . three in the morning.”
“Please, I’ll . . .” He groaned and raked his hand down his face. “I had a fucking nightmare, and I can’t go back to sleep. I just can’t. She’ll be there, and there’s blood and my . . . and my . . .” He broke down into a silent sob, his chest shaking and his eyes scrunching shut as he tried to tune out the pain.
“I’ll come see you.” Her voice was soft, melodic, and it soothed him somehow. “It doesn’t sound like you’re well enough to drive, and I know where you live. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“But what about your—”
“Just stay where you are. I’ll be right over. Bye.”
Click.
He peeled the bandages off his feet and threw them in the bathroom garbage can, then crawled over to his bed and lifted himself back into it.
His head throbbed, and he tossed and turned, hoping all the while she’d get here soon.
Fingers flexing, heart pounding and dick twitching, he waited and ached.
Maybe he could find a way to make it work this time.
His eyesight blurred and visions of that last nightmare, the worst one yet, morphed into Casey, allowing him to fuck her, being pregnant with his unauthorized child.
Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. What if she did come here and he managed to allow her to touch him again?
His stomach clenched a few times as adrenaline spiked through his veins at the thought of her being here with him. In his bed.
He’d never done that before. No one had ever been in this bed but him.
“Oh, sweet man, what did you do?” a soft voice called out a few minutes later through his door that led to the back end of the club where he parked his bike. The fucker was hanging on the hinges.
“Fucking broke it. Who cares,” he said, his voice barely audible.
“Yeah, I can see that—I meant, what did you do to yourself? You look like hell,” she said, managing to pull the door open wider, ducking around it then making her way inside.
“Christ, I don’t know why I called you.” He blinked and shook his head back and forth in slow, exaggerated motions. “You shouldn’t be here. Go back home.”
“Let me make sure you’re okay first. You sounded like you were in pain on the phone.” She approached him with cautious steps, her footfalls nearly silent.
“I’m fine.” He scratched his scalp and messed up his hair, groaning and shaking his head harder, this time in a manic way.
“You’re fine—okay, I believe you, but I can’t leave in good conscience unless I see for myself. Call it paranoia.” She put her hands up in front of her chest, palms facing him, signaling she wasn’t going to harm him. “Why don’t you lay completely flat, stay still and I won’t touch you. I’ll look at you and listen, but nothing else.”
He nodded.
She moved closer and closer until he could almost feel the heat coming off her skin.
Her left palm extended, and almost as if she was a metal detector, she ran it an inch above his body, starting at his shoulders and then all the way down to his feet.
His eyes watched her like she might snap and do something crazy.
He held his breath and never even blinked.
When she was at his feet, she hovered there for a moment.
“I want you to turn over onto your stomach,” she said.
“Why should I?”
“Because I’m asking you as a friend, Kel—please. I won’t hurt you, I promise. I said no touching, and I’ll stick to that.” Her eyes softened, and in the low light, he could have sworn they misted. She swallowed and offered a weak smile.
“No touching,” he reiterated and then flipped himself over.
She did the same thing, with her staying on the same side, and examining the opposite area of his body with her hand floating above his flesh.
“You have an amazing body, but I’m sure you already know that,” she said with a low tone that was so relaxing and serene, all he could do was listen.
“Mmm,” he responded.
“I’m serious—you’re breathtaking, but it’s not the outer package I’m talking about. I mean, I did just say you’re gorgeous, but it’s in your eyes, in your smile and in your pain. I see it.” A wisp of air swiped over his ribs, and he flinched, thinking she might actually touch him. She didn’t, but she continued talking in that placid tone. “I see you’ve been through horrendous things no one can possibly ever understand, and for that, I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it away from you.”
She was seeing all his scars up close. Most women didn’t notice them. He didn’t give them a chance.
“Touch me,” he whispered.
“You said it causes you pain.” She stepped away, but leaned a hand on the edge of the bed.
“I don’t care what I fucking said. I need you to touch me. I need to see something.” Please, God, for once, let this be painless.
He swallowed a deep intake of air.
“I’ll go slow,” she said.
“Start at my hands. Those are the most desensitized, so I can handle that better.”
She eyed him and her lips pressed together then parted for a moment. It was obvious her breathing was ragged. “When I put my skin anywhere near yours, even if it’s just for a second, your skin twitches, and then there are icy and hot patches. What can I do to make it better?”
“I don’t know. There’s no way to make it better as far as I know.” He flopped over so he was on his back again, facing her. “Please, you have no idea . . . I have to be touched, and I want you to do it.”
“Why?” Her face looked a little paler than it had a moment ago.
“I don’t know why. Stop asking me all these fucking questions and just touch me!” His jaw clenched.
“Spread your palms open, facing the ceiling, and why don’t you close your eyes? Maybe it’ll help if you’re not anticipating and tensing up so much.” She sucked her lips in for a moment and then rubbed them together.
God, those lips.
He’d never . . . What would that be like?
Would it taste good? She smelled insanely sexy and sweet.
“I like the way you watch me,” he said.
“How is it different from anyone else?” She blinked slowly.
Was she studying him? Trying to figure him out?
He closed his eyes so she’d touch him, and so he could find that small moment of control he was lacking.
“I don’t know if it’s really different, I just like it. It seems kind somehow, almost as if you think of me as a person.”
She chuckled. “Oh, Kel, you can’t fool me.”
And then it happened. Palms—both of them—landed on his chest.
He jolted; his body jackknifing and his eyes flying open.
“I said my hands!”
“Sorry,” she said, pulling back.
But before she could remove them, he put his hands over hers, cringing as he did it.
“God—it stings so bad,” he said through gritted teeth, choking on a shrill sound dying to break free from his chest.
“Then let me fucking remove my hands from you!” she cried out.
“No! I need this, and I don’t care if it hurts. Don’t stop. Push hard, dig your nails in. Show me I’m normal, that I can take this.” He stared in her eyes, and he could feel the sympathy piling into her like bricks of guilt, weighing her down. He shook his head.
Don’t want this. Don’t pity me!
Her eyes crinkled at the corners, and they were definitely brimming with tears.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, so sorry.” She sniffed a little.
“Stop looking at me like that,” he said, his voice cracking.
“I can’t.” She dropped her head and closed her eyes for a moment as if she was trying to clear her head. “I want the pain to dissipate, but I can’t hurt you by being rough. It’s pretty clear you’ve had nothing but harsh, cruel treatment. Let me just . . .” She opened her watery eyes. Her hands slipped out of his with a gentle tug and then they roamed like burning silk over his chest, down to his abs, then back up again over his nipples.
They went erect, tightened immediately as hard as they could go and throbbed.
She leaned over, and for a second he thought she might lick one.
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