by D. A. Roach
I hadn't thought of it that way. I had never shared an intimate embrace like that with a friend before. “But that's all he has ever done. Even after that, he wasn't overly nice or trying to spend a lot of time with me. He went back to just being Jared.”
“I don't know” she said. “All I know is that I have never cuddled like that with any of my friends.”
“God, he drives me nuts. I am trying to not think about him. I mean, I have no time to worry about if he likes me or not. But he is the one guy that keeps drawing me back in. It's like I either need to marry him or become a nun. Him or nothing.” I chuckled.
Mags laughed. “You poor girl. Guys are dumb. He probably doesn't know how to show you that he likes you. Maybe you need to flirt with him and see if that pulls him out of his shell. If it works, great. If not – at least you tried.”
“Mags, great idea. I'll do my best to see if I can win him over.” But not until after break. We say good-luck and goodbye and get back to studying and packing.
On Friday I finished my last exam and waited for Chuck to arrive. I stared out my window noticing the snow flurries dancing around in the wind. I'm gonna' miss this place over break. Chuck's little black car pulled up. I grabbed my bags, turned everything off and locked up. Time to head home.
Chapter 15
Home. It's hard to call it home. I lived here just a little over three months each year. It seemed like I should call college my home instead. I unpacked my bags and headed to the laundry room to start washing my dirty clothes. Since no one was home from work, I snuck a Diet Coke from the fridge. I would have to hide the can at the bottom of the trash barrel when I was done so I wouldn't be scolded for having another one with dinner. My mother was adamant about only having one soft drink a day – diet or not. Unfortunately, I had never acquired a taste for coffee, so Diet Coke was my only source of caffeine. Caffeine was an important staple in a college student's diet; it was part of the food pyramid: dairy, fruit and veggies, starch, meat, caffeine. Essential to surviving late night cram sessions and reviving dead brains before important tests. I knew that if I didn't at least keep up with half the normal quantity I consumed on campus that I would be ridden with caffeine withdrawal headaches.
I plopped down in front of the computer to check my email. There was one from Jen.
P-
Sorry I was absent from your life these last weeks. Things with Edward have been going very well. We are just taking as much time as possible to be with each other and learn more about each other. We are even going to meet up over break!!!! YAY!
I promise when school is back in session, I will work on your love life.
Merry Xmas you nerd!
-J
I missed her. I didn't know if she realized I would rather have time with her than a boyfriend right now. I wished I could at least eat with her and Edward in the dining hall sometime. Mags managed to balance friends and a boyfriend. She ate with Tim and all her friends for most of her meals, but then has a date night just for them from time to time.
I sent her a quick reply.
J-
Don't get married over break and have a Merry Xmas too – slacker!
Love,
Your Nerd
I powered down the computer, grabbed a Diet Coke from the fridge, and plopped in front of the TV. My parents refused to invest in cable TV. They said all the shows they ever wanted to watch were on the main TV networks so cable was a waste of their money. Two weeks with no MTV could possibly be my version of hell. I flipped through the channels, all seven of them. There was nothing worthy of my time on the tube, just talk shows, and news, but there was nothing better to bide my time so I just mindlessly watched. Just as I was about to find out if the transvestite banshee was the father (or would it be mother?) of a little boy, the home phone rang. Unfortunately, my parents had also refused to invest in caller id, which meant there was no screening the calls.
“Hello”
“Hey kiddo!” it was my dad, “Glad you made it home safe. When did you get home?”
“Oh, about an hour ago.” We continued chatting and I missed hearing the garage door open. Mom came in and smiled at me.
“Dad, Mom just got home. I better go.”
“See you in an hour sweetie.” he said.
“Hey Mom.” Her eyes dropped to the can in my hand and her smile vanished.
“Hi, I see you couldn't wait to start drinking that crap. I guess you decided to have your one soda right now.” she stated while hanging up her coat. But her intonation had more meaning than the words she was saying. I felt the invisible rope that was coiled around me and tethered to her tighten.
I had a hard time drinking the rest of the Coke, though I knew I should enjoy every sip because there would be no more until tomorrow. But she had a way of making me feel so guilty for doing something as innocent as drinking a can of Diet Coke. “I better check on my clothes.” I said as I slipped out of the room. The less time around my mother, the less stressed I would be.
She came around the corner “I wanted to tell you our schedule while you are home.”
“OK?” I asked hesitantly. “I want you up by 7AM every day. You may sleep in at college, but I want you up and being productive in the morning.” I stared at her blankly; I couldn't believe that on my break I had to be up by 7AM. I was rarely up that early on school days. “I will leave you a note every morning with your daily chores on it. I want them fully completed before I return home. Saturday and Sunday are holidays and we will be visiting with relatives those days as a family. I also want you studying for two hours every day. Do you understand?”
“Mom, I just took all my finals. We haven't started our next lessons yet. What would I study?” I asked in a frustrated tone.
I could see by the look in her eyes that my question irritated her. She didn't like to be questioned. “Read the next damn chapter then! I hope you used a bit more brain power on those tests than you are using right now or your tail will be living at home with us and going to junior college!” she snipped. I hated when she was condescending. I felt my blood boiling and wanted to yell or hit something. But there was nothing I could do; my voice was no good here. It was better to not speak; I had found that silence was my only defense. They could not make me talk to them. I turned back to the laundry and began folding my clothes. My mom was satisfied with her performance and went to the kitchen to make supper. If I cried she would call me 'weak' and berate me. So I tried to breathe through it and think about when Jared held me and calmed me with his breathing and embrace in Mag’s room. I could almost smell the spiced scent I smelled when he held me. After several deep breaths, I felt calm and grounded. I slipped away to my room and put my clothes away. I popped in some earbuds and cranked up my mp3 player, letting the music transport me away from my troubles as it always has.
Dinner. I pushed my food around on the plate, still recalling our strained interaction earlier. I answered my parents’ questions with the least amount of words I could manage to avoid more trouble. Then I cleaned off my plate and shot off an e-mail to Jen before bed.
Hey Lovebird,
How much longer till break is over?!
I am ready to head back to school. Hope you are enjoying yourself.
Xoo,
-P
Hopefully I could get to sleep without any further interaction tonight.
Chapter 16
Saturday. Dad wanted to take a drive with me to get the car washed. I don't know why he liked this particular car wash, but he was willing to drive 20 miles to get there a few times a month.
“Ready? You're driving.” he said with a smile.
I was glad Dad was handing over the keys. I needed to keep my driving skills sharp and I missed being behind the wheel. It did not provide the same freedom that driving alone had, but this was a close second.
As I pulled out of the driveway he asked, “How is school going?”
“I love it there. It was hard at first, I was homesick. But no
w my friends are like my family away from home. We help each other out.” I replied.
“That's great. I met a few of them and they seem nice. How do you think your grades will look?” he asked cautiously.
“I don't know. I really don't. I have worked really hard this year but it's way harder than high school.”
“Yeah, but you were an A, B student in accelerated classes – you should be breezing through college.” he said proudly.
“Um, Dad, there are a LOT of smart people there. I am not sure you will see only A's and B's.” I tried to prepare him. I honestly had no idea what my report card would say but if I prepped him for the worst case scenario, he could only be pleased once he saw the grades. His body tensed.
“You're not partying too much are you?”
“I go out two times a month, nothing more.” I replied.
He was eying me – trying to determine if I was telling the truth.
I punched the code on the car wash and threw it into neutral.
“How's your roommate doing in her classes?” he inquired.
“You know, I think she has really been struggling. She has been partying more than attending class. I tried to drag her to the library, but the truth is that she is rarely even around.” I sighed. I worried that Gabby would not make it to sophomore year. Maybe I would have to force her to join me at the library once a week next semester.
The blow dryers started up and it's so loud that it's not worth trying to talk over them.
When we exited I said “It's driving me nuts not knowing how I scored on my finals. You know, at school I can walk into the building and it's posted a day or two later. Now I have to wait a week or more for it to arrive in the mail.” What I neglected to say was that I was petrified my parents would make it to the mailbox before me and see my grades before I did.
'Waiting is hard.” he looked at the clock in the car and said, “We better hurry home so we can get ready for the dinner tonight.” The dinner. Every Winter break my parents have a dinner with Lisa's parents. Lisa was a girl I became friends with in sixth grade. She was awkward and shy but nice. Over the summer, she had blossomed and came to seventh grade looking beautiful. Everyone else was still awkward but she was like Aphrodite - you couldn't help but look at her with envy. Unfortunately, she loved all the attention and it rotted her soul. She became a shallow and self absorbed person. She had a little gang of kids that adored her and followed her all around. I was not looking forward to seeing Lisa tonight. My parents thought she was incredible. In fact, they would point out to me how perfect she was and how I should strive to be like her.
When I got home I brushed my hair and pinned my bangs back. I picked out my favorite dress and put it on. It was a little more snug than it had been this summer. I guess I needed to watch what foods I chose at school to try and take these 10 pounds off. As I was taking off the dress and trying to maneuver it over my head, my mom barged into my room. “Perry” she said, followed by a loud gasp. Since the dress was covering my eyes I was scared something dangerous was happening in the room. Maybe I was bleeding. Maybe there was a rat in the room. I gave a final yank and the dress popped off and she was staring at me with pure disgust. I realized the gasp was her reaction to seeing me 10 pounds heavier. She stormed out of the room and slammed the door. My heart cracked, and I felt so ashamed and so unloved at that moment. I looked in the mirror. I had managed to stay at 125 pounds through high school. It fit my 5'6” frame well, 135 made my mid-section a little rounder and my hips a little fuller. I couldn't look anymore; I must look disgusting to everyone. I dug into my closet and wiped the tear forming in my eye away. I pulled out a black sweater and black slacks. I fixed my makeup and headed out to get my shoes on. This night was going to suck. Knowing my lucky, Lisa would be 10 pounds thinner than high school.
“Are you going to a funeral or trying to impersonate Johnny Cash?” my dad tried to joke. I would have laughed had I not felt so low at that moment.
“Trying to look thinner Dad, that's all.” I muttered.
We loaded into the car and my mom would not look at me or speak to me. It's as if I did not exist. I was worried about how this dinner would go. Would Lisa sit across from me, beaming her bright smile and beautiful golden locks, ignoring me as well? I wished I was back at school. It's funny how I don't have to deal with any of these emotions there, I can just be Perry. We pulled up to the restaurant. It's an expensive restaurant with white table linens, candles at the table, piano music in the background. Once inside, we spotted Lisa's parents but not Lisa. We sat down and my mom asked, “Where is that lovely daughter of yours?”
“Oh, she is celebrating her boyfriend's birthday tonight. She is sorry she can't make it.” her mom stated. She then turned her eyes toward me. “Perry, welcome home. I hope college life is treating you well.”
The waiter brings our waters and a basket of bread and butter. I was so hungry that I wasn't sure whether to answer her, or grab a piece of bread to keep my stomach from complaining. I decided on a compromise, “Yes it is.” I replied and grabbed a piece of bread. After I swallowed a bite I continued, “I have made some great friends and the classes are challenging but interesting. How is Lisa liking college?”
“She loves it. She is pledging a sorority and has made lots of friends as well.” I was not surprised by this news. The waiter came back to take our orders. When it was my turn, I asked for lasagna and a salad. I took half of another piece of bread. I heard a very loud throat clearing and a ‘tsk’ sound. Everyone at the table looked at my mom who was staring at me with an appalled look on her face. “That's enough bread for you, Porky. Take that basket away from her!” she snipped. My mouth dropped open. I am shocked that she said that in front of Lisa's parents. I felt so embarrassed and my appetite disappeared. No one at the table said a word, I was pretty sure no one knew what to do at that moment. They just quietly changed the subject while my mom pinned me to the chair with the daggers she shot out of her eyes. I was a heartbeat away from swearing away all food and seeing how long it would take for me to starve myself to death. She would be happier if I was dead, no one to shame her. I hated this life. I excused myself to the bathroom. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I tried not to let the tears fall from my eyes before I made it to the bathroom. Once I was in the stall I let them fall. I needed them out of my body so my tear ducts were dry and I could make it through the meal without another tear shed. Tears were like victory points to my mom; I needed her not to have them. I didn't want my sorrow to bring her joy. I longed for my iPod to transport me away, but I hadn't brought a purse to dinner. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.
Once the tears stopped I checked my makeup in the mirror. I looked splotchy but my cheeks were not salt stained. I headed back to my seat. My mom commented, “what did you do, run off to steal some bread from another table?” I rolled my eyes trying not to acknowledge her comment. The waiter arrived with our food, but my appetite was gone. This beautiful lasagna looked as repulsive as cow brains to me. I pushed the food around and made it look like I was fascinated with the food in front of me. Everyone enjoyed their meal except for me. The rest of the conversation stayed lighthearted and at the end of the meal, we bid farewell. We rode home in silence.
Sleep did not come easily that night. My stomach gurgled so loud that it was hard to lie quietly and ignore it. I put in my ear buds to distract myself. Focusing on the music and ignoring the churning in my belly, allowed me to finally drift off to sleep.
Chapter 17
The lighting is dim in the large hall. Everyone is dressed in fancy gowns and black suits. There is music playing and people dancing all about. My parents are engaged in a deep conversation with another couple. I look around and I do not see many children.
I do see the large banquet table covered with every type of delicious food you could imagine. My stomach is complaining that I have not fed it recently. I grab a plate and load it full of cakes, cupcakes, pie, cookies, chocolates and I hide under the banquet tabl
e and feast on my treasure. They will not find me here. They will not take this from me. The food is heavenly. I am transported far away with each bite and hardly notice the footsteps approaching the table. And then I hear “Perry, excuse me, have you seen a little girl...” I drop the plate at the sound of my mother's voice.
I awoke in a cold sweat. I recalled the dream I just had and decided I must be really hungry to be dreaming about sneaking food under the table at a party. I was not sure I could starve myself thin since it was hard to ignore my stomach's noise. I stretched and decided to see if I could find a diet to try.
I searched my parent's desk for their file labeled “Diets”. It had over 25 menus, food guides, and/or directions for the many fad diets they had put me on in my life. My first diet was when I was 9. The directions to it were worn. The first day read:
Breakfast:
1 egg
water
½ grapefruit
Lunch