“Thank you,” I say warmly. “I’m saddened on some level. I’m not heartless, but I guess I’m just hardened. I don’t think I’ve ever had a meaningful conversation with her. The only time she ever spoke to me was to fetch her another bottle.”
“You are not heartless, not in the slightest. I can’t say I would even be standing where you are if I was in your shoes,” he says kindly. “UNOS does not want to give her a liver, given the circumstances. I wanted to get you both here to say goodbye and to ask if you would like to sign a DNR. It’s a form that states should anything happen to your mother again, we would not resuscitate her, thereby prolonging her suffering. I can have one of our nurses go over it with you and explain it to you if you’d like,” he offers.
“I’ll sign,” I say, looking over at her. “I don’t want her to suffer any longer. Nobody deserves that.”
“All right, I’ll have her bring in the forms soon. Does she have a will in place, any plans for a funeral?
“Not that I’m aware of. Her will would consist of who to donate her empties to, although I’m sure they’ve already been stolen from the trailer park. Funeral, I’m unsure of, but Marie would know what she wants. Ma was never close to either of us, but Marie has a kinder soul than I could ever hope to possess. She would know what to do,” I say.
“Now, it’s possible she could hang on for a few more months, but I suspect it’s more like days or weeks at this point.”
“Thank you for your honesty, Doctor Duchene. Could you have the nurse bring the form in before Marie comes back? I would like it if she didn’t have to see this,” I ask.
“Yes, of course. I’ll get her now,” he says, leaving the room. The kind nurse from earlier comes in with the form and quickly goes over it with me. I sign on all of the dotted lines, and leave it in God’s hands—at least I pray that’s whose hands it’s in. Hopefully she can finally find her peace.
Chapter 14
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Marie and I said our tearful goodbyes to ma. I was shocked that I did end up crying, but seeing the pain in Marie’s eyes, made it all come pouring out of me. Henry and Weston met us at the hospital and drove us back to the airport. I didn’t catch sight of Carl again, but I started to doubt I had done the right thing by not calling the police.
Carl couldn’t be hiring a hit man, though. Carl doesn’t even know any hit men ... does he?
Marie and I boarded the plane, and this time when they sat us in first class, I didn’t object. I simply parked my butt and ordered a vodka cranberry the second Marie fell asleep. Probably not the best thing to do when you’re taking care of your sixteen year old sister, but my head and my stomach were throbbing in pain from my bathroom brawl with Carl. Having to act like I wasn’t in agony at the hospital was excruciating, but today wasn’t about me.
If I’m being completely honest with myself, today should have never happened. I knew it was still too dangerous to go back to Oregon, but I did it anyway. I wonder if what Carl said was true—if he knew where I was staying. Tara has assured me that he could never get his hands on that information, so why am I even worried? Probably because Carl always gets what he wants, one way or another. He somehow found out that I was at the hospital today. I down the drink in one gulp, feeling the cold liquid burn my throat. How my mother could ever drink this, and like it, is beyond me. The wine I had at Blaze’s house was so much better.
I order another vodka cranberry, but try and sip this one—it’s a long flight, after all.
By the time we touch down at the airport, I’ve probably had three too many. I wake Marie, who’s slept blissfully the entire time, although I’m not sure how. We grab our bags and disembark the plane.
My head is spinning, and I’m using all of my concentration to try and walk straight. When I look up, I see Blaze waiting for us at the gate. I can’t help the big goofy grin that spreads across my face.
“Hey Marie,” he says, grabbing her backpack from off her shoulder. “And Brynn,” he says, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek and grab my bag, too. I let him take it, thinking that’s what must be making me feel unbalanced anyway. He gives me a funny look, so I return it. What the hell is his problem?
Blaze grabs a hold of my hand, and we make our way to the front of the airport. Luckily, he’s keeping me pretty balanced, and I don’t fall flat on my ass. That’s it, this is officially the first time I’ve ever been drunk. Scratch that, this is the first time I’ve ever been wasted. How ironic, I’m becoming just like my mother. I giggle out loud at the ridiculous thought. Marie looks over at me with a worried look, and my heart sinks.
What the hell am I doing? I’m suddenly overcome with this unwelcome and sobering thought. Marie just walked away from her mother’s death bed because of alcohol, and here I am showing her that I’m following in her footsteps.
“Antoine!” I shout, momentarily distracted as I spot the bodyguard slash limo driver slash possible government agent from earlier. He looks up from me to Blaze, and I’m sure they’re doing some sort of manly talk with your eyes thing, because the next thing I know I’m being led into the passenger side front seat of the limo. I mean, who sits in the front of a limo?
Seriously perplexed, I ask Antoine this, slightly slurring my words, “Antoine, who sits in the front seat of a limo?”
He responds with a curt, “I do.” I roll my eyes. Clearly he does, but he drives the damn thing. I’m not driving!
I hear Blaze and Marie climb into the back. I turn around to tell Marie that I’m nothing like our ma, and I promise to never do it again, but Antoine’s already putting up the partition.
“What was that for?” I ask, annoyed.
“That’s so your sister does not have to see the state you’re in. Now reach into the glove compartment, there’s a bottle of water and some crackers. Please, help yourself to both,” he says in his professional tone.
I figure his idea is probably a lot better than mine was anyway, so I open the dashboard and do as I’m told. I begin to eat the crackers and drink the water, sobering up as Antoine drives through town.
“Can you fix me?” I ask Antoine seriously as I’m overcome with guilt for putting Marie in this position and shame for letting Carl violate and threaten me. I’ve been a weak person today.
“You’re going to take a little while to fix, my dear. How about you take a nap while I entertain Marie in the meantime,” he offers.
“You’re the smartest man alive, Antoine,” I slur.
I finish the provisions he provided me with, and do as I’m told, which honestly is not that hard to do. I’m exhausted.
I wake some time later with a pounding headache and a kink in my neck. I look over at Antoine, who is pulling onto our street. Crap, I was hoping it had all been a bad dream.
“Welcome back, Miss Vincent. There’s some ibuprofen and another bottle of water in the bag on the floor,” he says, in his always professional tone. Apparently we stopped at a drug store.
I follow his directions. I’ve sobered up considerably, and I’m thankful Marie only had to witness me in that state for a matter of minutes. It’s still not acceptable, though and I’m going to need to book an extra session with my therapist this week. It’s only then that I realize I don’t just have to worry about Marie—what the hell is Blaze going to think of this? I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. I always knew it would never last between us. He’s a good guy, one of the few, and I don’t deserve someone like him. I proved that again tonight.
Antoine’s out of his seat and opening my door before I can get my seatbelt off. Then he rushes over to grab the door for Marie and Blaze.
“Hey,” I say to Marie. She gives me a weak smile and begins walking toward the entryway of our building.
Damn it, I blew it.
Blaze grabs our bags and we catch up to Marie. I open the doors, and we make our way upstairs to the apartment. I’m thankful to finally be back to the one place I truly feel safe.
Can I feel safe here now?
“I’m going to go put this away,” Marie says dryly. “Thanks for the great night, though, Blaze, and thanks for letting me borrow your iPod,” she says as she grabs her bag from Blaze.
“No problem kiddo, anytime.”
I feel as though I should say something, but my head is still a little fuzzy from the alcohol, and I don’t want to make the situation worse. She walks down the hall to her room, closing the door.
“I really, really screwed up,” I say, sinking down to the floor.
“What happened today, Brynn?” Blaze asks, sliding down next to me.
“I’m not even sure I want to talk about it,” I say, trying to push Carl as far from my mind as possible so that Blaze doesn’t even see it surface. “Please don’t think poorly of me. That was honestly the first time I’ve ever drank besides that bit of wine at your house. I ordered what the woman in front of me had. Not that I don’t know the names of every liquor known to mankind, because I do. I just don’t know the mixes. Ma never bothered with that; it would have cut into her liquor money,” I say with a disgusted laugh.
“Yeah, I remember the wine you had at my place—you said it was the first time you ever drank anything.”
“And it was, I swear it. I don’t know what came over me, but I promise it will never happen again. I have no idea what to say to Marie, though. I’m ashamed,” I admit.
“Tell her the truth, make her a promise, and keep it. Showing her that you don’t go back on your word will mean a lot. You’re just going to have to earn her trust back with time.”
I nod, knowing he’s right.
“iPod by the way?” I ask.
“I have some cool music I want her to check out. She says she doesn’t listen to much. I find it healing, hopefully she will, too,” he says, looking nervous.
“Brynn, I can tell something’s up. I don’t know what it is, but I need you to tell me,” he says in a slightly demanding voice.
My mind starts spinning in circles, wondering if I should tell him about Carl’s attack today. I think back to all of the help he’s already provided me with, but then remember Carl’s hand violating my breast, his erection pressing into me, and how dirty I am. He deserves so much better than what I have to offer him.
“It was just my mom today—it was rough. I signed a DNR form,” I lie. “Listen, thanks for all the help today. I really appreciate it, but right now, I’d just like to grab a hot bath and get to bed.”
“Brynn,” he starts, but I interrupt him.
“Look, I’m too much all right. There’s things about me that you’ll just never understand, and I don’t want you to, either. I like you Blaze, I really do, but this just isn’t going to work if you keep pushing me for more. Sometimes, I just have nothing more to give. We come from opposite sides of the world, and I’ll never fit into yours. I messed up today, huge. There’s absolutely no excuse for it, so thanks for shielding Marie from it as best you can. But I think it’s probably best that we just stop pretending here. I don’t want to be your charity case that you feel compelled to protect and take care of,” I say, as quietly, but firmly as I can, so Marie doesn’t hear.
“Fuck you, Brynn. Do you really think that poorly of me? Do you think I’m some asshole who preys on desperate women? I was attracted to you from the moment I met you. The very moment I met you. You’re not only beautiful, but you’re smart and kind. You care about those you love, and fuck me, Brynn, but I hope one day I can be one of those people,” he says angrily.
“That’s not what I meant …” I start. “You’re perfect, Blaze. Do you not see that? Do you not know what I am? Because I do. I feel it on my skin, I feel it in my veins, and when I close my eyes, I relive it over and over. I’m dirty. I’m not some sweet little girl who moved to the big city to see new and exciting things. I moved here because I had to escape my abusive husband. He raped me …” I choke out.
Blaze moves toward me, but I take a step back. “He raped me … for five years, Blaze, and I stayed. What does that say about me? I’m not smart, I’m not important, I’m just broken. There are plenty of deserving women out there. Don’t waste your time on me. All of my good is long gone. I’ve got nothing left to give you. I need to concentrate anything I have left on making Marie’s life better than mine was, which at this rate, shouldn’t be too hard,” I finish, tears now streaming down my face. I walk over to the front door to let him out, but he catches me around my middle, pulling me back so I’m forced to face him.
“Brynn, I’m going to go now. I’m going to leave because right now I’m angry. Scratch that, I’m fucking pissed off. I am not pissed at you, but I’m fucking livid that some asshole scumbag violated you and your trust. I want to kill him for ever laying a hand on you. I don’t want you to think my anger is directed at you, because it’s not. You couldn’t leave because you thought you had no other options. But you do now, Brynn; you have me, and no matter what you say in your attempts to scare me off, it’s not going to work. You’re not damaged, he is, and when I’m through with him, he’s going to be a fuck of a lot more damaged,” he says, and I watch him try and control his anger.
“You’re mine now, Brynn, and not in the controlling, sickening way that fuck head thought you were his. You’re mine in the sense that I’m going to protect you. Not out of obligation, but because you mean something to me, and I protect what’s mine. I can’t get you out of my fucking mind. I’ve never felt this way before. You’re perfect, and I want to mark every inch of your perfect body, Brynn, and show you you’re mine,” he whispers, and I feel my legs start to tremble at what he’s suggesting. I try and shake it off—there’s no way I should be feeling this way after the day I’ve had.
“I want to lick and kiss every inch of your body, and wash him away, so that when you think of yourself, you think of how much I fucking love every inch of you. I want to slip between your thighs and show you how good it feels, beautiful. I want to make you come and scream my name like you did on my couch. I want you, Brynn,” he says, now pushing himself and his hardness against me gently, the hot breath of his whisper, filling my ear. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
I push myself against him and press a gentle kiss into his neck. That’s all it takes—he connects his mouth to mine and latches on. The tears are still streaming down my face, but I don’t take notice. My whole body is buzzing, alive with want and lust. I want him to do everything he promised to do to my body. I want him to make me feel clean.
He pulls away too quickly, though. “Marie,” he whispers, and I remember she’s just down the hall. “I’m going to go home and cool off. I’ve got a few phone calls to make, and then my last one will be to you. Keep your phone by your bed, Brynn,” he says huskily.
“Okay,” I breathe back. He gives me another life altering kiss before leaving.
“Shit,” I mutter, wondering how I managed to let that turn around so quickly.
I drop my carry-on bag in my bedroom and walk down the hall, uncertain whether I should talk to Marie first, or take a shower. I settle on a shower, to clean any remaining smell of alcohol off me, and to wash any dirty remnants of Carl from my body.
I grab another ibuprofen from the cupboard and swallow eagerly. My head is still pounding. I peel off my sweater and then gently lift my tank top over my head, revealing the bright blue and purple bruising over the center of my stomach. “Fucking hell,” I mutter, touching it gently.
I peel off my bra and panties and turn the shower on, setting the temperature to a sanitizing scalding hot. I step under the water, letting it sting my skin. I wash myself and my hair diligently, scrubbing myself. The bruised area over my stomach hurts, but I want to make sure it’s clean.
When I feel as clean as the shower’s going to allow me to be, I turn the water off and step out onto the lilac bath mat. I dry myself and slip into a robe. I run a brush through my hair and look at myself in the mirror. I can do this. I just need to be as honest as I can be with her. I have no idea what to say to Marie,
but I make my way to her room anyway, unable to put it off any longer.
I open her door, and see her laying on her back, eyes trained on the ceiling, ear buds in her ears, and tears streaming down her face. I rush to the side of her bed and take a seat on the edge. She notices me there and takes the headphones out of her ears and wipes her tears.
“Hey,” she says awkwardly.
“Hey,” I whisper back, embarrassed. “Look Marie, about today …”
“Don’t worry about it, you’re under a lot of stress.”
“That’s no excuse, and you know it,” I start. “What I did today was completely unacceptable, and I promise you on everything that I am that it will never happen again. I handled things horribly, and I’m incredibly ashamed. You deserve more than that, Marie. I know I’m not your mother, and I know I left you for a long time, but you’re still my sister, and I promise to be a good example to you from now on.”
“It’s okay, Brynn, people can still drink and not turn out like Ma. I know that; I guess I was just surprised tonight.”
“I know, but it was the wrong place, wrong time, and also only the second time I have ever tasted alcohol. I promise so long as I’m taking care of you, you’ll never see me like that again.”
“Okay.”
“Now, want to talk about why you were just crying?”
“Sort of. I guess I’m just sad that it was the last time I’m ever going to see Ma, you know? It just doesn’t seem fair. I feel like I never got to know her, or why she drank, or if she even loved us.”
“I know,” I say, understanding how she feels. “Anyway, you have school in the morning, and I have work, so I guess we had better get some sleep, even though you slept most of the day on the plane.”
Hell, Fire & Freedom (Fighting for Freedom) Page 15