Exactly Like You: A Cupid Cafe Story

by Lori Sizemore

  “Honey, that’s not true. Your dad absolutely sees you.”

  “I scare him to death, so he doesn’t talk to me. Don’t act like you haven’t noticed that we’ve barely spoken since I moved in six months ago.”

  Meredith tucked her chin down on her chest. It was hard for her to ever admit she couldn’t fix everything, especially when it came to Roxie. Truthfully, this depression had probably been harder on her mom than anyone else. Well, anyone besides Roxie herself.

  “I just don’t want to be a problem to be solved. I just want to be a person. Who is depressed, but is going to get through it.” Roxie stood up. She was ready for bed, exhausted, and would throw her mother from the room, if need be.

  Meredith stood and hugged her tight. “You will get through it. You’re stronger than you even know.”

  “No, Mom. I’ve lived with this every day since that man killed his wife. I know exactly how strong I am, because I’m still here. I still get up in the morning and face another day in my life.” She pulled down the covers and paused to level a gaze at her mom. “The problem is, just when I thought I was coming out of it, it became a deal-breaker for the man I love.”

  Her mom stroked a hand through her hair. “You should comb this before you go to bed.”

  “I should, but it’ll keep ‘til morning.” Roxie slid under the covers of her twin bed, the one she’d grown up in.

  Her mom stopped at the door. “It really will work out, Roxie. I promise.”

  Roxie didn’t believe her mother was right on this one. She rolled onto her side and Meredith flipped the lights out and shut the door behind her.

  Before long, her pillow was wet with tears. For months, she’d been too numb to cry about anything. Anything. Now, she couldn’t stop crying. Aidan had opened the floodgates of her emotions, and she was raw with feelings.

  She should’ve known better than to let herself fall for Aidan. She’d been attracted to him from the get go, but his generous nature had done a number on her heart. When he invited her out, she should’ve said no. It would’ve been better to let her parents worry than face this heartbreak. But, no, that wasn’t true, either.

  But, were they any less worried now? What had she accomplished, except getting her and Aidan both involved in a relationship too complicated to stand on shaky new legs?

  She wanted to be treated like a person again. Hell, she wanted to feel like a person again. And she’d started down that road. She’d began to feel normal emotions: hope, excitement, arousal, love. But, it wasn’t enough for Aidan. Why did he need to solve the puzzle of Roxie’s depression so bad? Was her curse so strong it would sink this relationship, too? She’d lost enough.

  The next morning, Roxie slept in. It was almost ten o’clock before she convinced herself to stop wallowing in bed. All she could think about was she should’ve been waking up in Aidan’s arms.

  Finally, she threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. She opened the window and found a beautiful summer day facing her. The storms of last night had moved out of the area and the white fluffy clouds in the sky didn’t match her mood in the least. She’d kind of been hoping for more rain, so she could sit in the window seat in her room and read all day.

  She looked around; she could maybe clean her room. She couldn’t remember the last time she had. She wasn’t a messy person by nature, but clean clothes were stacked in the corner, everything was dusty, and she should change the sheets and run the vacuum.

  She hadn’t felt like doing even one of those tasks in so long, but she needed to distract herself. She had energy to burn. That was totally new.

  Whatever she could do to avoid thinking. She dug out a pair of shorts and a clean t-shirt. She might as well get dressed today, too.

  A couple of hours later, she had the vacuum on as she listened to relaxing ocean sounds. Anxiety was eating her alive from the inside out.

  Finally, her room was spotless and Roxie sat down in the window seat, wondering what else she could do to relieve the tension humming through her body. Outside the window, a motorcycle pulled up to the curb and stopped. She sat up, eyes narrowed.

  When the rider pulled off his helmet and placed it on the back of the bike, shock shuddered through her. Aidan.

  She stood up and ran her hands down her shorts. She’d been cleaning for hours. There was no way she didn’t look a mess. She ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Dust smudged her cheek and she hadn’t brushed her hair out yet.

  As quick as she could, she ran a comb through her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. It was still a big curly mess, but looked good enough to fake it. After all that humidity, it wouldn’t look right until she washed it again. While she scrubbed her face, the doorbell rang.

  When she stepped out into the hallway, her father had opened the door and Aidan introduced himself. Turned out her father hadn’t been struck mute—he shook hands with Aidan. “Good to meet you, Aidan. I’m Gary.”

  “It’s for me, Daddy.” Roxie came up beside him and her father turned to her, eyes wide. He nodded then wandered off to his seat in the living room.

  She stepped out onto the front porch and shut the door behind her. “See? My dad won’t speak to me. I don’t know if you noticed. He’s that freaked out by my depression, he literally can’t talk in my direction.”

  “I’m sorry, Rox. About your dad.” He gazed at her, his eyes hungry. “You look beautiful.”

  Hand on her face, she shook her head and gave a low laugh. “I look awful. But I cleaned my room, so that was good. Not like I don’t ever clean, but I don’t usually feel up to cleaning my room.” She huffed. “I should stop talking. I’m babbling.”

  “It’s fine.” He took her hand. “Let’s go somewhere and talk.”

  “Around back. The porch swing.” She led him around the house, past the tulips her mom had planted along the side. Was this a good omen or would it be more of the same? She tried to tell herself everything would be okay, but she couldn’t be sure.

  Once they were settled, the swing swaying back and forth, Aidan finally relinquished her hand. “I’m sorry about last night. What I was trying to say didn’t come out the way I meant it to, and then I made it worse.”

  Roxie chewed on her bottom lip for a minute. So did this mean things were okay? After a moment, she put a hand on his leg. “I’m sorry, too. You don’t know what it’s been like. I feel like no one sees me, anymore. They just see the depression, the hurt, and I want to be whole. I just need to do it in my own time, my own way.”

  “I see you, Rox.”

  “I know you do. That’s one of the things I love about you.” Her cheeks flamed. This was still so new. It was a weird experience to admit her feelings so openly. “You have always seen me. I didn’t feel that last night, for the first time since I’ve known you.”

  He wrapped an arm around her and squeezed. She let her head fall to his shoulder, so thankful they could come to an understanding, she closed her eyes in relief.

  They sat like that for a moment, looking out at the wooded backyard. Then he put a hand in his pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper.

  “What’s that?” Roxie asked.

  “I called Dr. K. and got some recommendations. Some people you could see. Total strangers who didn’t know you before everything happened.”

  Even though they were in the sun and it was close to eighty degrees, Roxie’s body grew cold, like a shadow passed between her and the warmth. “You’re serious?”

  “Sure. I want you to get better so we can have a future.”

  Abruptly, Roxie stood and left Aidan on the swing alone. She stepped off the porch and into the grass. Her feet were bare and the blades of grass tickled her toes. “I can’t believe you would do that without consulting me. Did you tell Dr. K., someone I knew personally and professionally, that I’m broken? Springs are sprung, cogs are loose, poor Roxie is crazy?”

  Aidan got up and stepped closer to her. He held a hand out but didn’t touch her this time
. “It’s not like that. Please, just look at the list.”

  Roxie took the list and glanced at it. The names were unfamiliar to her, but that didn’t matter. She crumpled the paper up and threw it on the ground. “I looked. Are you satisfied? Don’t you understand I want to fight this battle my way?”

  “I understand your way doesn’t seem to be working.”

  She whirled away from him, too furious to see his face, his face full of pity. For her. “That’s not for you to decide.”

  Tears trickled down her cheeks, horrifying her. This was all she needed—to break down in front of him. He already found her pathetic.

  He put a hesitant hand on the back of her neck. “Let me in, Rox.”

  “I let you in. You apparently don’t like what you saw there.”

  “I love what I saw there.” He walked around in front of her and used a thumb to wipe the tears from under her eyes. “I just want you to listen to reason. Get serious about treatment.”

  “I’m not going into treatment, Aidan. I’m beating this, and my heart hurts because you can’t see that.”

  “I have real reasons to be concerned for you.”

  “Real for you. Real because you lost the woman you loved. That doesn’t mean they’re grounded in my reality. You’re letting your fears dictate my life and I can’t do that. I can’t wrap myself in bubble wrap and promise nothing will ever happen.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close, burying her face in his chest. “Please see you’re being unreasonable here.”

  He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her back to look into her eyes. “If you don’t see someone, get treatment for your illness…”

  “What? We can’t stay together?” Roxie put her hands on his chest and shoved, but he didn’t budge. “Say it.”

  She was cursed to never be happy. She might dance around the fringes, get close enough to feel the warmth on her skin, but she’d never truly have it. “Say it,” she said, her voice louder than she’d intended.

  “I can’t be with someone who’s sick and won’t try to get better.” He dropped his hands from his shoulder. “Are you happy now?”

  “Never.” She turned away from him, crossed to the back door, and left him standing there. She shut it behind her and broke down, sobbing.

  Her father muted the TV and turned to watch her, but he didn’t say anything. There would be no words of comfort for her from him. There would be no words at all. He was another person who couldn’t take Roxie, the person.

  Everyone just saw Roxie, the depressed one. The one who might hurt herself, hurt the people she loved.

  She couldn’t take being watched like a specimen, so she ran down the hall to her bedroom and slammed the door.

  There was a knock at the back door and her dad’s muffled voice carried down the hall. “I don’t think she feels like talking right now, son.”

  She closed her eyes, wishing this day were over. Wishing she hadn’t spent the last several weeks falling in love, only to have her dreams dashed.

  Chapter Twelve

  At work the next day, Aidan was listless. Kurt had tried to engage him in helping prep dinner, but Aidan had passed. He just wanted to be alone, to nurse his wounds in private.

  He couldn’t believe things with Roxie were over before they even began. Not over before he’d fallen in love with her, though. Just in time to dangle happiness in front of his face, then send it crashing down around him once again.

  Was he being unreasonable with her? Was his insistence she get help more about him than her, like she’d said? He rolled over on his bunk. He couldn’t figure it out. All he could see was the possibility of losing her, of something happening to her, because he hadn’t been diligent enough.

  The clang of the fire bell rang through the firehouse. He got up off the bunk and moved as quick as he could to get into his gear. On the ground floor, he climbed into the front of the truck.

  “It’s a jumper on one of the balconies of The Galt House,” Kurt said from his seat. He’d been the one to take the call.

  Aidan glared at Kurt. “It’s a person thinking about jumping. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “What’d I say?” Kurt gave him a look of disgust. “You’ve been touchy all day. What’s the matter with you?”

  “Roxie.”

  The siren on the truck began to wail and drowned out their ability to have a conversation without screaming. Instead, Kurt clapped him on the shoulder.

  When they stopped in front of The Galt House, ambulances and police cars already had traffic blocked off. A cop met Kurt and Aidan as they climbed out of the truck.

  “This lady called 9-1-1, said she was going to jump. She’s been out there for about an hour, according to other guests.” A cop detailed the events while Aidan prepared to go up the ladder. “We’ve had an officer speaking with her from the balcony below for about fifteen minutes. She’s somehow moved furniture in front of the door, so we can’t get through.”

  Aidan climbed up onto the ladder and someone in the truck began to extend it. He exhaled slowly, trying to focus on his job and put Roxie out of his mind. This woman needed and deserved all of his attention, for him to give a hundred percent right now.

  “Hey, there.” He spoke in soft, reassuring tones. “How about we get you back inside?”

  The woman clung to the banister, sobbing. Her blonde hair whipped around her head in the wind. She wore a black slim-fitting skirt and a purple blouse. She must’ve taken her shoes off in the room because she was barefoot now. “No! I’m going to jump. I just need a minute.”

  “Okay, well, why don’t you talk to me for that minute? Is it all right if I climb up there with you?”

  “No, stay away! I mean it. If you try to come over, I’ll jump.” They both looked down when she said it. The fall would kill her, as she surely knew.

  “Okay, I’ll stay here. Might as well tell me what’s been going on in your life that put you out here.”

  “Isn’t it obvious? I’m depressed, that’s what they call it. Depression, like if it has a name then everything will be okay.”

  “Who’s they?”

  “The therapists and the doctors. I’ve been seeing them for years. They put me on a new medicine. They said, ‘Call us if you feel like you might hurt yourself.’ Like they give a damn. It’s never going to be any better.”

  Aidan recognized the hopelessness in her, it called out to him. For the first time, it occurred to him that though Roxie admitted to being depressed, and she had lots of the symptoms he’d read about, she never sounded hopeless. She was sure she’d beat it.

  He focused on the woman in front of him, the only one he could think about right now. “This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can’t take this back if you change your mind halfway down.”

  “Why do you think you know so much about it?”

  Aidan thought about telling her about losing Miley, about how he could identify, but then he remembered Roxie’s words. His solution wasn’t everyone’s solution. “I’ve had my share of loss, like anybody else. I know what I did to make it better. But my girlfriend, she says everyone has to find their own way. Maybe therapy and medication isn’t it for you. Maybe yoga, or vitamins… or a cat. Maybe your therapist sucks and you need a new one. I can tell you this—you shouldn’t give up until you’ve tried everything.”

  The woman lifted her hands to her face and sobbed into them. Even though she’d finally let go of the banister, she hadn’t stepped back. He couldn’t get over it in time to make sure she didn’t jump.

  “I’m sick of being miserable. One-by-one, everyone who matters to me has walked away. Depression is depressing. I wish they could live one day inside my head. I wish they would see I don’t want to be this way. That I’m trying to get better.”

  “Let me take you down. Give tomorrow another chance to be better. Give the people who love you another shot at being there for you.” Aidan pleaded with her as he recoiled inside from her words
. Is that what he’d done? Had he walked away from Roxie because depression was too hard to handle?

  Tearful, the woman nodded. “Come with me. Don’t let them treat me like I’m crazy.”

  Aidan winced but agreed. “Okay, what’s your name?”

  That’s exactly how he’d been treating Roxie, like she was too crazy to make her own decisions.

  “Diana.”

  “All right, Diana. I’m going to climb onto the balcony. Can you step back for me?”

  She nodded and backed away from the edge. Aidan climbed over and hopped down on the balcony with her. He took her hand and walked back inside the room with her. He shut the door to the balcony. “Let’s sit for a few minutes.”

  He distracted her as other first-responders made their way on to the balcony. Aidan sat with her while they removed the furniture blocking the door. She was one determined woman to have placed all of that heavy stuff in the way.

  When the door was opened, several policemen rushed in. “I’m walking Diana down to the ambulance,” Aidan said.

  Together, she held onto him, and they made their way to the ground floor, where an ambulance waited. Aidan helped her onto the bed. “Honey, they’re going to strap you down to the bed, but it’s to keep you safe. You do what the doctors and nurses tell you to do, and if what they’re doing isn’t helping, you say so. Promise?”

  Diana nodded and grasped at his hand. “Thank you.”

  “Stay safe.” He headed back to the truck as they loaded her into the ambulance. A disaster had been averted.

  All he wanted to do was go back to Roxie, the Roxie who had rode the rapids with him, camped with him, hiked with him, made love with him, and tell her he was wrong.

  He never saw that haunted, hopeless look in her face the entire time he’d known her. Maybe some people could have depression and not become suicidal. The thought had never occurred to him, until now.