by Julie Miller
“I don’t do sweet nothings.” Jason raked his hands through his hair, pulling at the tangles she’d made there. The sharp pricks on his scalp were a welcome deterrent to the heat coursing through him. But the pain was an equally clear reminder of what a turn-on her grasping fingers had been. He forced himself to walk away to the storage shelves where he’d dropped his pack and jacket.
“I kind of figured that. I’m the one who’s sorry. For pushing you into something you don’t...that we’re not ready...” Sam pulled her glasses off and rubbed at her eyes a moment before her face stretched with a wide yawn. “I don’t have the energy to do this right, do I?”
Exactly. She was exhausted and probably not thinking straight about where this make-out session had been leading. He needed her strong to face the trek that lay ahead of them tomorrow, not drowsy and replete with the orgasm he’d wanted to give her. Plus, giving in to passion now would only make things more awkward between them when he needed her to listen to every word he said and take action when he gave the order. He turned his back to her, carefully adjusting his pants while he recovered, before picking up his jacket and shrugging into it.
“Did you want me to do something else?” she asked in a voice that sounded decidedly different from the “Jase, this is so good” that had nearly sent him over the edge a few moments earlier. “Kyle said I should be more—”
Uh-uh. Jason pulled Sam to her feet. He captured her face between his hands, maybe a little more roughly than necessary, and tilted her face up to his. He needed her to understand this. “You don’t need to be more anything. I stopped because my first priority should be keeping you safe, not getting inside your pants. I stopped because I don’t want you to feel I’m taking advantage of your situation. You don’t have to give me your body to make sure I protect you. Even if you hate my guts, I’m still going to get you home.” He inhaled a sobering breath before resting his forehead against hers. “I stopped because I’m not sure I’m the best man for you to get involved with. I’m not sure I’m ready to get involved, but I’m feeling like I want to, and that makes me wonder if my motives for lusting after you are as pure as they should be.”
Her eyes darkened like a rich alpine meadow at twilight. “Lusting...?”
Damn straight. What did she think that was that had nudged against her thigh? Jason dipped his head and captured her mouth in a hard, quick kiss, reminding her that he didn’t play games the way her ex apparently had. “That man’s name is never to come up again when I’m in the middle of kissing you. When you’re with me, I want all of you with me.”
She might have swayed when he released her, but damn, it made him angry to think that she’d sat there evaluating every moment of that embrace, wondering if she wasn’t measuring up to his expectations. Considering he hadn’t expected anything to happen between them, he wasn’t quite sure if he could explain the way being with her had awakened something inside him and turned him inside out.
Jason pulled his cap on over his head and strapped his gun and military-issue holster back into place around his thigh. She put her glasses back on and knelt to pick up all the medical supplies they’d scattered. Then she moved on to layering together a makeshift bed out of a moth-eaten blanket and a dusty sleeping bag with a broken zipper the former inhabitants of the cabin had left behind. He was geared up at the door when he realized she hadn’t said a word for several minutes. Was she focused on her work? Asleep on her feet? Had he said something that hurt her? Ah, hell. Maybe his own ego had gotten the better of him here and he was assuming things about Sam that he really didn’t know. Kissing him could just be some affirmation-of-life thing. Or maybe that logical, science-y engineer brain of hers saw kissing another man besides Grazer as an experiment, comparing what she knew with other possibilities. “Do you miss him? Were you thinking of him when I kissed you?”
Sam shot to her feet. “No!”
Thank God for that. “Then don’t make me think of him, either. He hurt you. He used you. It makes me want to punch something. Preferably him.” He curled his fingers into a fist, then flexed them straight, testing the bandage she’d wrapped around his knuckles. “You’re better than he deserved, Sam. You’re better than I deserve.”
“Don’t say that.” She waved aside his protest and crossed the cabin to lay a hand on his arm. “Rule number ten. No more mentioning what’s-his-face. Thank you for thinking of what’s best for me. For both of us. It wasn’t that hard to get carried away by the opportunity since I’ve been lusting after you, too.”
He didn’t need any games or tricks or coy seduction. Straightforward worked for him. “Yeah?”
“Yes.” The rosy blush on her cheeks belied the directness of her upturned gaze. “In some ways, I can’t imagine anyone more different from me. On paper, we just wouldn’t work.”
“True.” She was a smart woman.
But before he could leave, she tightened her grip on his sleeve. “But in other ways... I can’t imagine going through this with anyone but you. Maybe you’re just tolerating me because you don’t have any choice, but I feel like I can talk to you. I feel safe with you. And kissing you is—”
“A little rough around the edges?”
“I was going to say really hot. I can’t always think straight when you’re holding me—and I’m used to being able to think things through. I’ve never had chemistry like that with anyone. Certainly not with what’s-his-face.”
Jason laid his hand over hers and squeezed it. “It’s the situation. Could just be gratitude or the thrill of something—someone—different, someone who’s not part of the world you were running away from. Danger intensifies anything you’re feeling.”
“Or maybe it strips away all pretense and leaves you with honest emotions. I care about you, Jase. I think I care about you more than I probably should.”
Leaving that bombshell hanging in the air between them, she went back to making the pallet. She rolled her sadly abused party dress into a bundle and tucked it against the wall. Then she rolled up her checkered coat and set the bundles side by side, making pillows for them both. Without a fire to warm them, he’d recommended they share a bed and their body heat tonight. She’d agreed, saying that sleeping together was a sensible solution. Despite the limited, no-frills resources available to them, the domestic picture she made left Jason wondering which of them was right. Were they attracted to each other because of the circumstances surrounding them? Or despite them? In the outside world, where she was a society princess and he was a recluse, where she worked with her brain and he worked with his hands, where she was close to her family and he was estranged from his, would they have anything in common? Would they even have noticed each other? Would he be feeling this inexplicable pull toward hope and salvation that Sam seemed to offer? Would he have spent enough time getting to know her that he’d look beyond the geeky exterior to discover her intriguing mix of brave compassion and almost shy vulnerability?
“Who’s Elaine...?”
The question jerked Jason from his thoughts. Wow. That woman sure knew how to throw an emotional punch. Maybe he needed to rethink that straightforward quality he admired.
She hugged the Mylar blanket from his pack to her chest. “You mentioned her when you were giving the tree a beat-down. She was important to you, wasn’t she? You said you’d lost her. She died?” He nodded. “Is that what happened? You were in a dangerous situation like this one, and your feelings for her intensified?”
That’s how their affair had started, but after a while, Jason’s feelings for Elaine had become all too real. Maybe Sam had a right to know why he’d wigged out on her at the tree. She was counting on him for her survival. She had a right to know why he’d ended that kiss, why keeping her safe was more important than any lust or emotions she made him feel. “I knew Elaine when I was in the Marines.”
Sam spread the Mylar on top of the pallet before sitting in the middle of it.
She hugged her knees to her chest, patiently waiting for him to answer her questions. “Tell me about her.”
Jason scrubbed his palm across his jaw, fighting the urge to bolt out the door. “Is this part of that doctoring agreement?”
“Does it need to be?”
Closing his eyes, Jason inhaled a deep breath. Her expectant gaze was on him when he opened them again. He moved to the bench and took a seat facing her. Curiosity and concern created that pucker of a frown between her eyebrows. “Elaine Burkhart was a reporter imbedded with my unit when I was stationed in Afghanistan. I loved her. Huge no-no when it comes to military protocol, but I loved her anyway.” He leaned forward to brace his elbows atop his knees, twisting his hands together as he unlocked the memories. “We had an affair. I vowed to keep her safe—we were in a dangerous part of the world, and she wanted to be on the front line. To get the real story. She’d been negotiating an interview with one of the imams in a village near where we were camped. Radwan. She was determined to present all sides of the story. Turned out Radwan was a double agent, connected to a group of insurgents who didn’t want a military presence in their part of the world. Radwan and his men kidnapped Elaine, her cameraman and their two Marine escorts.”
Jason remembered when their Afghani guide had run into his tent to report the abduction. He was already suited up and ready to roll out on a half-formed extraction plan by the time the Major overseeing his unit had made the announcement and put the unit on standby until an official incursion plan came down from command. “My superiors wanted to negotiate their release. They didn’t want to risk alienating their source to enemy movements.” Jason shook his head at the precious time he’d lost. He should have risked a court-martial and disobeyed those orders not to go after the hostages. “You don’t negotiate with terrorists. They value life differently than we do. It’s about the mission for them. It’s not about the people. They said they wanted weapons and intel in exchange for Elaine’s life. The Corps wasn’t about to pay it. By the time we got clearance to enter the village and raid Radwan’s home...”
“Oh, my God.” Sam was on her hands and knees, crawling toward him. “Jason...”
When her hands closed around his, he pulled her into his lap, needing something to hold on to. She wound her arms around his neck, weeping softly against his ear.
“They were already dead. It was a setup. We were all sitting ducks by the time we got into close-quarter fighting. There were villagers and insurgents, and we couldn’t always tell them apart. I got Elaine’s body out. We brought them all home, but...” His hands clenched in the folds of her scratchy wool sweater. “So many people died. Marty’s was the only chopper that showed up to evac us out. I’m pretty sure he violated orders, too. I should have gone in as soon as I knew. Maybe it was already too late. I promised to protect her. And I let her die.”
“No. I’m so sorry.” Her hands rubbed at the tension in his neck and shoulders before she hugged him tight. “And now I’m putting you through this again. You don’t love me, of course, but... A kidnapping? A rescue? Those men dressed and armed like soldiers? Marty?”
“I found you alive. And I will get you home that way.”
She nodded as if she understood how much he needed to succeed with this rescue. After a moment, she sat back, pulling off her glasses and swiping away her tears. “You didn’t kill Elaine. Those terrorists did. I don’t suppose that’s much comfort, though. You didn’t just lose someone you felt responsible for—you lost someone you loved. And today, you lost the friend who helped you. I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s war. It’s a horrible hell of a thing a lot of men and women have to deal with. It stays with you when you come home.”
She looked him square in the eye, close enough that she didn’t need her glasses to focus on him. “You’re getting help with this, right?”
He caught a lingering tear with the pad of his thumb and summoned what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “I saw some Navy doctors. I’ve got a therapist in Jackson I go to every now and then. I’ve got the wide-open space and clean air of these mountains so the heat and small spaces and too many people I don’t know can’t get to me again.” He studied her verdant eyes, absorbed the intimacy of her warmth and caring, surrounded by the silence of the cabin and night around them. This was pretty good therapy, too, and an unexpected calm centered him in the present again. “I knew this mission would push some buttons for me. I’d hoped I could handle it better. You need me to.”
“I need you to be okay. I don’t want to make your recovery any harder than it already is.” She put her glasses back on and tucked her long hair behind her ears as if she was gearing up in a flak vest and helmet, prepping for battle. “I promise I won’t die on your watch. I just have to follow the rules, right?”
Jason nodded. Hopefully, it would be that simple. Although, in reality, he couldn’t even remember all the rules she was talking about beyond Do what I say and not mentioning what’s-his-face by name.
“What about your dad?” she asked. “You said you had a falling-out with him? I would think family could be a big help with what you’re going through.”
The woman could fill up the air with more words than he’d use in a week. Maybe even a month. But she was a good listener. She hadn’t forgotten anything he’d said, not even in passing.
But he was still raw from sharing his memories of Elaine and Kilkut. Right now, he couldn’t handle the shame he felt at being a third-generation Marine who’d failed his duty and come home without his head screwed on straight. “One touchy-feely conversation at a time. Okay? Besides, it’s getting late. We both need sleep. I want to get moving at first light.”
“Okay.” She scooted off his lap and Jason stood, missing all the different kinds of closeness she’d shown him today. She shooed him toward the door. “I know you need some space right now. You go out in the cold and get your mountain man back on while you’re checking the perimeter. But be careful out there. I’ve got an idea about how I can rig the door since there’s no lock on it. At least we’ll have a few seconds’ warning if anyone tries to break in. I won’t set it until you get back.”
Jason planted his feet and pulled his gun from his holster. A jerry-rigged alarm wasn’t protection enough against the danger that lurked outside, waiting until sunup to track them down again. He placed the Glock in her hand. “Your dad said you knew how to use a gun.”
“He taught me. But I haven’t held one for years.”
“You afraid of it?”
“A little.”
“Good. That means you’ll respect it. It’s a deadly weapon. I want you to keep it with you while I’m scoping out the area and laying a few traps of my own—extending your early warning system into the trees.” He pointed out the important elements. “I refilled the magazine. I just put a bullet in the firing chamber. Don’t touch the trigger unless you’re ready to use it. Shoot anyone who comes through that door who isn’t me. I’ll be back in half an hour.”
“But you’ll be unarmed out there.”
Jason pulled out his hunting knife. “No, I won’t.” Risking the temptation he hadn’t quite been able to shake despite common sense and that nightmarish trip down memory lane, he dipped his head to kiss her again. The kiss was basic, brief, but he liked how she always latched on as if she was never quite ready to let him go. But she had to. No, he had to. Jason opened the door. “Stay inside. Stay away from the window. Stay safe.”
Chapter Nine
The last time Jason had spent the night with a woman sleeping in his arms had been that last night before Elaine’s kidnapping in Kilkut.
Despite resurrecting those memories so he could explain to Sam the kind of messed-up he was, it had also been the best night’s sleep he’d had since Kilkut. He’d awakened a couple of times to make sure the cabin was secure, but when he’d crawled back onto the pallet beneath the Mylar blanket,
Sam had turned her cheek onto his shoulder and snuggled in as if he was her own personal fireplace. He’d barely noticed the hard floor at his back, or her soft snore of exhaustion. Sure, he’d been aware of the heavy weight of her breast pillowed against his side and the light grip of her fingers resting against his chest. But what stayed with him as the sun rose was that the nightmares hadn’t come—not one flicker of a firefight, not one raging shout, not one image burned into his brain. Instead, he’d dreamed about big green eyes and fishing with his dad and a fun night he’d shared with Marty and some of his fly-boy buddies at a pub outside the base in Germany.
The bad memories had eased their grip on him for a few hours, allowing the good memories to surface and be discovered again. They eased their grip, it seemed, because determined, surprising, sexy Sam had never loosened her grip on him.
Peace was the best way he could describe what he’d felt last night. And he’d known far too little of that these past three years. He didn’t know whether it was all the talking, being emotionally spent or having a trusting woman fastened to his side that had left him feeling this way. Sam’s absolute faith in him coaxed at the trust he’d once had in himself to be the right man to get the job done. The woman was all kinds of unusual—maybe Jase-whispering was another one of her unique talents. Jason wasn’t about to thumb his nose at the rare gift. He’d wound his arms around Sam’s sleeping form and held on as if she was an anchor in the storm of his life.
And he’d slept. The way he suspected most men slept. Free from guilt and grief for a few hours. Content in the moment. Looking forward to the possibilities of the next new day.
He hadn’t forgotten the danger on the mountain with them, the threats Buck had issued, the guns and casualties, and the fact he was the only thing standing between Sam and the men who bartered with her life without caring what a funny, smart, special woman she was. Until he could get within cell phone range to call for backup, or get her to a search and rescue station, it was up to Jason to protect her. As badly as he wanted to unmask Buck and find out who in her inner circle had set Sam up to be kidnapped, he knew his first priority was keeping her safe and getting her home to her father.