Critical Failures V (Caverns and Creatures Book 5)

by Robert Bevan

  Katherine lowered her hood. “Hello. I was just tying my shoes while I waited for this shop to open.”

  Both she and the guards looked down at her feet. Her boots didn’t have laces.

  Shit.

  The captain scrutinized Katherine for a time, like he wasn’t sure if he recognized her or not. Finally, he said, “And what is that?”

  Shit shit. Did nothing get past this guy? Who was he, fucking Columbo?

  “It’s nothing,” said Katherine. “Just a hole in my cloak.”

  The two guards exchanged impatient glances.

  “You are testing my patience, half-elf. What do you have in your hand?”

  Katherine looked up at her fatiguing right hand and realized that she was holding up her Bag of Holding. Force of habit. It’s not the sort of thing you want to leave lying around.

  “Oh. Um... It’s a bag.” She honestly wasn’t trying to piss these people off.

  “And what, exactly, do you have in the bag?”

  “Nothing. Just stuff. Normal stuff.”

  “Stolen stuff?”

  Katherine scoffed. “I’ll have you know, sir, that I am a druid.” That sounded a lot less stupid in her head just before she said it.

  “Go on, Bingam. Check her bag.”

  “Gladly, sir.” The one called Bingam dismounted while Captain Righteous kept his crossbow leveled at Katherine’s heart.

  Katherine couldn’t think of many options, but as Bingam approached, she knew that whatever options she had were rapidly disappearing.

  Bingam smiled, holding his hands out to take the open bag from Katherine’s hands. “Let’s see what we’ve got in – Wha!”

  As soon as she’d flipped the bag over Bingam’s head, she heard the dreaded click and twang of the captain’s firing crossbow. She winced, but felt no pain.

  “Blast!” shouted Captain Righteous. He was already loading another bolt.

  Butterbean jumped out and bit down hard on Bingam’s thigh, which caused his arms to flail even more, preventing Katherine from being able to completely enclose him in the Bag of Holding.

  “Stay back, Butterbean!” said Katherine. “I’ve got this under control.”

  That may have been a slight exaggeration. Katherine didn’t want to kill these two guys who were doing their job to protect the people of this city, but she had shit to do.

  She didn’t have much of a plan worked out, but she knew she couldn’t continue to rely on the captain’s shitty aim. When he raised his weapon to fire, Katherine jerked Bingam’s body to the left. His bleeding leg surrendered to her just in time.

  CLICK!

  TWANG!

  THUNK!

  The only sound missing was Bingam’s reaction to suddenly having an unexpected crossbow bolt in the back. Katherine didn’t have anything against the guy, but she needed him to put his hands down.

  “Sorry,” she whispered just before kneeing him in the nuts.

  Bingam’s hands immediately went to his crotch, and Katherine pulled the bag down hard.

  By the time the captain had reloaded his weapon, Katherine had scooped Bingam into the bag and was holding it in front of her.

  “Do you know what happens if you puncture a Bag of Holding?” The question was kind of a bluff. Katherine didn’t know the answer herself.

  Captain Righteous scowled at Katherine as he slowly lowered his crossbow. “Everything inside will be forever destroyed.”

  “That’s right!” supposed Katherine. “Now drop your weapon.”

  “Take it and go.” He leaned over on his horse and set the crossbow gently on the ground. “Bingam has a family.”

  “Bingam has ten minutes before his air runs out.” Katherine had gained a slight upper hand, but the clock was ticking. She thought out loud, hoping the captain might help her think of an idea that could work out for everyone. “I can’t let you go, or else you’ll round up a posse and hunt me down. What if we rode together through Westgate. Once we’ve traveled far enough, I’ll take both your horses and let you two walk back home or something.”

  “That’s very thoughtful of you. But you won’t get through the gate riding a Kingsguard horse.”

  Katherine thought. “I might if I’m dressed as a Kingsguard.”

  “And where do you intend to get a Kingsguard uniform in the next ten minutes?”

  Katherine reached into the Bag of Holding. “Guard’s clothes.” Bingam’s entire uniform spilled out of the bag all together, as if a body had been sucked right out of it.

  She worked at separating the layers so she could put them on in the proper order. A yellow tabard with the city’s emblem, the Cardinian Rose, on the front and a pair of baggy green pants made up the outermost layer. Under that was a chain suit that reminded Katherine of giant metal baby pajamas. The innermost layers consisted of a set of what looked like thermal underwear, and then a pair of actual undershorts. Those smelled as if they’d been sweated and farted in quite a bit since their last wash.

  Her own cloak would be suitable padding for the length of time she needed to wear the armor. She shoved the undergarments back into the bag so that poor Bingam wouldn’t have to float around in extradimensional space completely naked.

  Bingam’s body was considerably larger than Katherine’s, so the armor was easy to slip into, but it sagged like the skin of an obese person who lost a bunch of weight way too quickly. Lifting her arms up and down and taking a short walk, Katherine also found that normal movement was cumbersome.

  “You’re one of them, aren’t you?” said Captain Righteous while Katherine slipped the uniform tabard over her head.

  “One of who?” she asked, playing dumb.

  “I don’t see many half-elven women walking around with wolves at their sides. You’re one of the group I chased here from Algor. A companion of that murderous halfling.”

  “He’s not a murderer!” Shit. So much for playing it dumb.

  “The posters all over the city say otherwise,” said the captain. “I will take great satisfaction in bringing him to justice this time, Miss...” He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

  There wasn’t much point to keeping her name secret. If things went south, she was in deep shit whether or not he knew her name.

  “My name is Katherine.” She tightened Bingam’s belt to the very last hole, but it was still a little loose. “How do I look?”

  “You look ridiculous,” said Captain Righteous. “If you get stopped even for a moment, Bingam is as good as dead. It may be too late for him already.”

  “Good point.” Katherine put her hand inside the Bag of Holding. “Carbon dioxide.” A rush of warm air blasted past her hand.

  “What is this carbon dioxide? Is it an incantation?”

  Neither Katherine nor Bingam had time for her to explain. She held the bag open wide and started spinning around.

  “What manner of spell is this? Never have I seen magic performed in such an undignified manner.”

  Between the weight of the armor and her self-induced dizziness, Katherine found she could no longer keep her balance. She fell over on her side, crashing into the street. For something that was supposed to protect her, the chains in the armor pinched her arm, hurting her more than if she had fallen without wearing it.

  “By the gods, woman!” said the captain. “Have you lost your mind?”

  Katherine stood and steadied herself against Bingam’s horse. The world around her hadn’t quite stopped spinning yet. “I just reset the clock. We’ve got ten minutes to get the hell out of here. You ready, Butterbean?”

  Butterbean barked and wagged his tail.

  Captain Righteous frowned. “The wolf is going to arouse suspicion.”

  Katherine bit her lip. “Without him, can we be out of here in five minutes?”

  “We can try.”

  On one hand, Katherine saw this as a disadvantage. The insurance policy that she’d been considering was to keep a dagger held close to the bag to make sure the captain didn’t rat her
out at the gate. He’d be much less likely to buy her threat if her own wolf was in the bag with Bingam.

  On the other hand, she was relieved that she wasn’t going to have to be that big a bitch.

  She placed the Bag of Holding gently on the ground and lifted up the lip. “Get in the bag, Butterbean. I promise it won’t be for long.”

  Butterbean’s tail lowered, but he walked toward the bag, gave it a sniff, and looked up at Katherine with his sad doggy eyes.

  “Speak,” said Katherine. She hadn’t wanted to use up the spell so early in the day, preferring to have it available for when she could make time for some more meaningful conversation with her Animal Companion. But she needed information.

  “I know it’s no fun in there, but I promise it’ll just be for a few minutes.”

  Butterbean nodded. “As you wish, Miss Katherine.”

  “Don’t attack Bingam, okay? He’s had a rough day.”

  “I understand.”

  Katherine set the Bag of Holding gently on the ground and lifted the lip. “I’m going to pull you out after a few seconds. I need to know how Bingam is doing, and if the air is breathable.”

  Butterbean walked into the bag and disappeared.

  “I suppose this is what’s meant by the phrase ‘barking mad’,” said Captain Righteous.

  That made for one more curiosity solved. Katherine had wondered what she sounded like to other people when using the spell.

  “I told you, I’m a druid. I cast a spell so that I could talk with my wolf.” She put her hand in the bag. “Butterbean.”

  The wolf tumbled out of the bag, rolled over, and stood up wagging his tail again. “It’s quite a ride when you’re not concerned about dying.”

  “Is Bingam okay?” asked Katherine.

  “He’s alive, but crying. And he appears to have urinated.”

  “Good enough. How’s the air in there?”

  “Fresher than I remember it being last time I was in there. I mean, aside from smelling like human urine.”

  “Okay. I’ll get rid of the pee. Now get back in there... and be nice.”

  Butterbean stepped back into the Bag of Holding, then Katherine put the tips of two fingers just inside the lip. “Pee.” A yellow stream trickled out over her fingers. When it was done, she wiped them on the front of her Kingsguard uniform.

  Captain Righteous gasped, and Katherine realized she was wiping piss on the royal emblem.

  She looked up at the captain. “I’m sorry. Was that disrespectful?”

  “Did you command your wolf to urinate in the bag with Bingam?”

  How to answer that? The truth might lead to further humiliation down the line for Bingam. Verifying the wolf story would only serve to make Katherine out to be even more of a cruel and heartless bitch. The bitch thing was really the only card she had to play.

  “Yes, I did. Both of you need to understand who’s in charge here. Are we clear?”

  Captain Righteous narrowed his eyes. “Indeed.”

  Katherine reset the clock once more, this time opting to hold the bag open while running in a straight line, about ten yards one way, then ten yards back. The encumbrance of the armor made even such a short run exhausting, but that should have been enough to fully replenish their air supply.

  She looped a stirrup around her boot and pulled herself onto Bingam’s horse. “Let’s get this over with.”

  “Not too quickly,” said Captain Righteous as Katherine’s horse pulled ahead of his. “The object here is to look as casual as possible. If we’re lucky, the shifts won’t have changed yet, and the guards at the gate will be tired and weary. Your best bet is to slump over and feign illness. That might cover your ill-fitting armor, and it will make them think twice about getting too close to you. I am your commanding officer, so let me do all the talking. Are we agreed.”

  The captain spoke calmly and rationally, and everything he said made sense. This both reassured and concerned Katherine. The man had some cunning in him. Had he developed this plan so quickly with the means of securing his and his fellow guard’s safe release? Or was he putting himself in a position of total control in order to spring some surprise on her at the gate? He had her bested on strategy, and she had neither a counter-plan, nor the time to think of one.

  “Just don’t try anything stupid.” Though she tried to sound tough, she could hear the surrender in her own voice.

  “We’re in too deep to go back now.”

  Westgate was just ahead of them. Katherine slumped over, making it impossible to see where she was going, but at least it had the advantage of hiding her face.

  The horses walked for what seemed like an eternity while Katherine waited anxiously to play her role. If it helped the performance, she felt like she might be able to vomit at will without a whole lot of effort. She was sweating through her cloak. They weren’t going to make it in time.

  Just when she was going to say something, Captain Righteous’s horse stopped walking. Katherine’s stopped beside it.’

  “Utterly shameful,” said the captain.

  “What?” whispered Katherine.

  “Two guards sleeping. Two more not even at their posts. And neither of the other two gave a second glance at your embarrassment of a uniform.”

  “What?” whispered Katherine again.

  “Congratulations, half-elf. You’ve made your daring escape.”

  Katherine looked back. They were a good thirty yards beyond the gate. “Sweet!”

  “Now be true to your word and release my partner.”

  “Not yet,” said Katherine. She looked at the road ahead. “I’ll let him out once we get around that bend.”

  “We’

  ve used up too much time as it is. Think of your wolf!”

  “It’s cool.” Katherine once again removed all the carbon dioxide from the Bag of Holding, held it open, and let her horse drive fresh air into it.

  Once they were around the bend, Captain Righteous’s tone soured. “I have held up my end of the deal, half-elf, betraying both my station and my king. We are well out of sight now. I demand you release my partner at once.”

  “I was just about to.” Katherine stopped her horse and dismounted. “You hop down from yours too. I promised to let you go, but not on horseback. I need to keep my lead.”

  “I understand.” Captain Righteous dismounted.

  Katherine held open the bag. “Butterbean.”

  Butterbean came out panting, though Katherine couldn’t tell if it was from excitement or oxygen deprivation.

  “A final insult to poor Bingam,” said the captain, shaking his head. “You release the dog first.”

  “He’s a wolf,” said Katherine. “You’d do well to remember that. I couldn’t release Bingam first, and risk having you two jump me, could I?”

  “You make a fair point. It was a wise decision on your part. Now, if you don’t mind.”

  Katherine looked at Butterbean. His gaze was fixed on the captain. That was good.

  She reached into the bag. “Bingam.”

  A pale naked man spilled out of the bag, curled up into a fetal position, and resumed crying. Katherine tried not to stare.

  “He’s my sister’s son,” Captain Righteous volunteered, in spite of Katherine having given no conscious signal of giving a shit. “He’s fragile. I hoped a stint in the Kingsguard might toughen him up a bit.” He knelt by his nephew and leaned down to whisper. “Please stop crying, Bingam. Come on. Get on your feet.”

  “Why are you naked?” asked Katherine.

  Bingam’s head jerked toward her with a teary glare. “Because you stole my clothes, you evil bitch!”

  “I put your underwear back in the bag for you.”

  Bingam sniffled. “They kept flying past me, always just out of reach.”

  “I’m sorry about that.” Katherine reached into the Bag of Holding again. “Bingam’s underwear.” As soon as she felt it, Katherine jerked her hand back and let it drop on the ground, aiming to m
inimize how much of the man’s ass sweat she had to touch.

  Bingam snatched up his long underpants and stood up with his ass facing Katherine. He put both feet in the leg holes and hurriedly began to tug them upward.

  “Put your hands in the air,” demanded a deep, stern, and not entirely unfamiliar voice from behind Katherine. “We have you surrounded.”

  Butterbean snarled and bared his teeth, and Katherine looked to Captain Righteous for guidance as to whether they were going to fight or not. When he shook his head and slowly raised his empty hands, her heart sank. She’d been the one who’d disarmed him. Her heart sank even further at the sight of Bingam hopping up and down, trying desperately to pull his underwear up before surrendering. In his haste, he fell forward, planting his face into the hard-packed earth.

  Katherine raised her hands above her head and turned around to face her captor.

  “You people again?” she said when she saw the jet black skin and snow white hair of the two slender figures pointing bows at her.

  “We people?” asked one of them.

  Katherine covered her mouth with her hands. “Oh my God! I totally didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Vile thugs!” snarled Captain Righteous.

  “Whoa!” said Katherine. “Not cool, man.”

  The other black elf lowered his bow slightly as his jaw dropped open. “It’s her! She’s the one who killed Lady Vivia’s cat, mangled its body, and wrote a mocking apology on the wall with its blood.”

  “Is that true?” Captain Righteous whispered.

  “I didn’t have a pen and paper.”

  “I don’t think so,” said the first elf. “That one was more sleek and slender. Almost pretty by half-elf standards.”

  Katherine gasped.

  “So she’s let herself go a bit. But I’m telling you it’s her.”

  “What did you say, you long-eared fuck?” Katherine took a step forward, but stopped as the two black elves tensed their bowstrings. Butterbean growled.

  The first elf nodded. “That’s her alright.” A sinister grin spread across his face. “And she has herself a little pet now. Won’t Lady Vivia be pleased to hear that.”

  “No.” Katherine couldn’t bear to think what that sadistic woman would do to Butterbean in retaliation for what was really a very simple misunderstanding.