by Robert Bevan
Jennifer raised her eyebrows and looked Chaz up and down. “And who the hell are you, Lady Gaga? You think you’re gonna go over my head? You best turn around if you know what’s good for you.”
Dave reassured himself that this was just an ordinary young woman with an ordinary broom, and he shouldn’t be as frightened of her as he was. He cleared his throat.
“We’re not going anywhere until we talk to the professor.”
Jennifer’s angry face trembled, and Dave thought she might lunge forward and beat the shit out of him with her broom at any second.
“I’ll call the professor alright. I’ll tell him to Fireball your freeloading asses from here to Kingdom Come. You see if he don’t listen to me.” She leaned inside the door. “Professor!”
After a moment of intense glaring on both sides, Professor Goosewaddle floated out the door and hovered next to Jennifer.
“Oh, it’s you.” The professor eyeballed Dave and his companions like they were a bunch of hemorrhoids. “I’ll take care of this,” he said to Jennifer in an apologetic tone.
“Don’t you let those people in my restaurant.” Jennifer spoke to Professor Goosewaddle in a tone that Dave would never have dared.
“What the fuck, lady?” said Chaz.
Jennifer pointed her broom at him. “You shut that filthy mouth of yours, or I’ll shut it for you.”
“Please go back inside,” said Professor Goosewaddle. “You’re doing such a fine job. I’ll get rid of them.”
Jennifer looked at Dave and Chaz, then thrust her broom forward, causing them both to jump. Satisfied, she went back into the restaurant.
Professor Goosewaddle hovered toward the Whore’s Head crowd, gesturing for them to move back, which they did. “Sorry about that. Jennifer has established some new rules in the restaurant.”
“I can’t believe you let her talk to us that way,” said Chaz.
“I can’t believe you let her talk to you that way,” said Dave. “You’re this super-powerful wizard, and she’s just an ordinary girl.”
Professor Goosewaddle shrugged. “She’s an effective manager. A tad unconventional, that’s for sure. Can you believe she’s making me pay the goblins who work in the kitchen?”
Dave frowned. “Yes, you’ve mentioned that.”
“A silver piece an hour! She calls it a ‘living wage’, as if I wouldn’t replace them when they die. It’s ludicrous!” Professor Goosewaddle was beginning to sound a lot like Dave’s racist Uncle Jimmy when he got a few drinks in him at Thanksgiving. “But she runs a tight ship. As you can see, business hasn’t been this good since our opening week.”
“Congratulations,” said Chaz.
The professor broke eye contact and fidgeted with his beard. “So I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you folks not to come back here. It’s nothing personal. She showed me the numbers, and the cost of potatoes alone –”
“We’re not here for curly fries, Professor,” said Dave. “We need a favor.”
Professor Goosewaddle narrowed his eyes at Dave. “Jennifer says I’ve been too generous with you folks, and that you’re taking advantage of me. I’m beginning to wonder if she’s right.”
Dave wished Julian was here to use Diplomacy. He knew the Arby’s card was a strong one, but he wasn’t sure if this was the right time to play it.
“You wouldn’t even have this restaurant if it wasn’t for us,” said Chaz.
Fuck.
“Now you listen here!” The professor was putting his foot down. Metaphorically, of course. He was actually levitating about a foot higher now. The bottom of his Arby’s uniform shirt hung below his toes, making him look like an angry bearded Pac-Man ghost. “I don’t know what you think I owe you, but remember that when you introduced me to your strange world, it was I who was doing you a favor.”
Now that Diplomacy was off the table, Dave used what little leverage he could muster. “We paid you for that.”
“Ha!” cried Professor Goosewaddle. “You call that payment?”
“That was a big pile of gold!”
“It was a pittance! Have you any idea what the going rate for a Teleport spell is?”
This line of arguing was only digging Dave deeper into the hole. It was time to beg. “Please, Professor. This is important. Just one last favor, and we’ll never ask you for anything again.”
Professor Goosewaddle folded his arms and scowled at Dave. “What is it?”
Dave wished he’d gone with begging from the get go. He hung his head low. “A Teleport spell.”
The professor shook his head. “You’ve got a lot of nerve. I’ll give you that.”
“We believe there’s something big going down at the Crescent Shadow. Something that involves my friend Tim.”
“He’s the halfling drunk?”
“Yes, and Mordred.”
“He’s the naked man who summoned four young boys before he fell out of the hotel window?”
“Yes, and your friend who was in here the other day,” said Dave. “The one with the black and white forked beard.”
“Murkwort.” The way Professor Goosewaddle spat out the name suggested that he thought even less of Murkwort than he did of them.
“We need to get there as soon as possible, figure out what’s going on, and try to stop it.”
Professor Goosewaddle stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Murkwort acts like a pompous fool, but he’s no one to double cross or take lightly. He’ll fry you with Lightning Bolts just as soon as look at you if he suspects you’re trying to steal from him.”
“We’ll be careful. We might not have to steal from him. Maybe we’ll steal from one of his buyers or something. Our first priority is making sure that Mordred doesn’t get his hands on those dice.”
“And my first priority is this restaurant,” said Professor Goosewaddle. “I’ll grant you this favor just for the sake of putting some miles between us.”
“Thank you, Professor!”
“But only on the condition that this is indeed the last favor you’ll ever ask of me. Are we agreed?”
Dave nodded enthusiastically. “Yes!”
“Very well. I can take two of you.”
Dave frowned, fearful of pushing his luck. “I was kind of hoping you’d take all of us. We don’t know what we’ll be up against.”
Professor Goosewaddle’s little face reddened with frustration. “Unless I have specific reason to do otherwise, I prepare precisely two Teleport spells a day. One to get me out of potential danger, and the other to take me back home.”
“And the spell limits you to only two fellow teleportees?”
“The more people I try to bring along, the less accurately I’ll be able to focus on a point of destination.”
“If we're a couple of miles off, we can walk the rest of the way from there.”
Professor Goosewaddle smiled at Dave like a teacher patiently explaining why we’re not supposed to feed pencil shavings to the class fish. “Have you any idea what or where the Crescent Shadow is?”
“No.”
“It’s an island, four miles wide at its widest, which floats five hundred feet above the Fertile Desert. If we’re a couple of miles off, I don’t expect you’ll be walking out of the craters you make when you hit the ground.”
“Two it is.” Dave turned to face the rest of the crowd. “Who wants to go? Frank? Rhonda? Hey, Tony the Elf’s a good tracker.”
“It’s got to be you two,” said Frank. “If Tim sees any of us, it could spook him into doing something monumentally stupid. You and Chaz are the ones he’s most likely to trust.”
Fuck.
As much as Dave hated to admit it, Frank was right. For once in his life, he wished Cooper was there with him. Cooper was closer to Tim, and might actually have enough Hit Points to survive a five hundred foot fall.
“Are you even more accurate with just one person?” asked Chaz. “I don’t really see why Tim has any reason to trust me. I barely know him.”
&nb
sp; “The accuracy is marginally higher with only one companion than it is with two. But two is still well below the threshold of danger I’m willing to risk your lives on.”
“Your lives?” said Chaz. “Not our lives?”
Professor Goosewaddle looked at the ground, then back at Chaz. “I can fly. You can’t.”
Chaz nodded. “That makes sense. And what exactly is the danger threshold you’re willing to risk our lives on?”
“Chaz,” said Dave. “Stop being such a pussy. You’re coming.” It felt good to have someone around more cowardly than himself. That was reason enough for Dave to keep Chaz by his side.
“Fine.”
Professor Goosewaddle descended and reached his hands out to Dave and Chaz. “Hold on.”
Dave took the professor’s left hand. Chaz grabbed hold of his right.
“Focus, Professor,” said Chaz. “Focus on the center of the island.”
The professor smiled. “Then you’d surely be dead. It’s called Crescent Shadow for a reason.”
“Shit.”
Dave only caught the beginning of an incantation as a crackle of electricity and a flash of white light rendered him suddenly deaf and blind.
Chapter 23
If Katherine remembered correctly, this was the same cell she had sprung Tanner and Chaz from. She thought she could still see a little smudge of cat blood on the wall next to where Bingam sat on the floor weeping.
“She was a big sturdy horse,” said Stavros, the leader of the band of black elves who had ambushed them in the woods. He stood just outside the cell, his face visible in the flickering torchlight through the small barred window of the cell door, popping a small chunk of horsemeat into his mouth. “She tastes as though you kept her properly exercised. Well done.”
Katherine knew he was just trying to get a rise out of Captain Righteous. These guys could see in the dark. The only explanation for him having bothered to light a torch was that he wanted them to be able to see him. What a dick.
The captain was doing a commendable job of ignoring his taunts. But Katherine hadn’t eaten anything since that glue shit at the inn the night before, and the horsemeat smelled really good.
“Where are my manners?” Stavros continued. “She was your horse. Surely, you are entitled to a bite.”
Captain Righteous continued to stare stoically at the center of the stone floor, not wanting to give his captor the satisfaction of losing his cool. But when a chunk of meat landed on the exact spot he was staring at, he finally snapped. He jumped up and thrust his arm through the window bars.
“You fiend! I’ll tear you limb from limb!”
Stavros, of course, had been well prepared to leap out of the way. He laughed at Captain Righteous. “Don’t be so greedy. Perhaps I’ll give you another piece once you’ve finished your first one. We don’t want to be wasteful.”
While they were talking, Katherine licked her lips and glanced down at Bingam. He was still cradling his head in his hands.
She snatched up the chunk of horsemeat and popped it in her mouth. It was fucking delicious.
Captain Righteous shook the bars hard, but that door wasn’t going anywhere. He turned around and looked despairingly down at the floor. Then he looked up at Katherine, who stopped chewing.
She offered him a tight-lipped grin and a reassuring shrug.
Stavros stopped laughing as footsteps approached rapidly from down the dark hallway.
Captain Righteous turned back to the cell door, and Katherine swallowed the meat.
Lady Vivia’s face appeared in the window. Her cold violet eyes glared at Katherine through a thin black veil.
“So the reports are correct.” She sneered with naked contempt and disgust. “She really has let herself go.”
Katherine held in her anger. She knew she was very attractive by half-elf standards. Anyone who had only ever known her as a vampire was now holding her to unfair standards of beauty. And considering the woman’s recent loss, Katherine decided to let this one slide.
“I’m really very sorry about your cat. That was an accident.”
“An accident!” cried Lady Vivia. “You accidentally murdered Mittens, mangled her body, and scrawled a message on the wall with her blood?”
“Of course not. But I didn’t know she was your cat.”
“Your groveling will not save you, half-elf.”
“Shall I send for the Extractor?” asked Stavros.
“No. I have a more fitting fate in store for this one. We shall starve her wolf until it is driven mad with hunger. Either she will be devoured, or she will be forced to murder her companion. She will feel my loss before she dies.”
“He hasn’t eaten in a while,” said Katherine. “He’s probably on the brink of madness right now.”
“Nice try, half-elf, but I think we’ll wait a week or two.”
“Weeks? I don’t have that kind of time. I need –”
Lady Vivia shook her head. “This one, always worried about time. On the contrary, dear. Weeks are all the time you have left.”
“Listen,” said Katherine. “I know you’re upset, but –”
“Do you know that I have not shared a bed with a man since Mittens’s death?”
That was more information than Katherine felt she needed to be privy to. “Oh?” What else does one say to that?
“Now that her death shall soon be avenged, I once again crave the pleasures of the flesh.” She turned to the side. “You have done well, sweet Stavros, and you shall be rewarded.”
“Would you like to satisfy your cravings here, where the half-elf can see, or would you prefer someplace more private?”
“An interesting, if not entirely appropriate question. I shall ask Alessandro what he prefers.”
“But I thought... You said I shall be rewarded.”
“And you shall. The Bag of Holding is yours to keep, and you shall face no disciplinary measures for trying to keep it from me.”
After a short pause, Stavros spoke again. “Yes, Lady Vivia.”
With that, the black elf lady walked away.
When the sound of retreating footsteps had faded away entirely, Katherine went to the window. “Tough break, Stavvy.”
Stavros jerked his hand away from his crotch and whipped his cloak around to cover his front. “Back away from the window!”
“Feeling a little blue... in the balls area?”
“Be quiet!” Stavros’s voice faded as he continued to grumble. “Is it too much to ask for a minute of privacy? I’m surrounded by fools, idiots, empty-headed...”
Katherine joined the other two prisoners on the floor. “He’s not going to last very long, so we don’t have much time. We need ideas on how to bust out of here. What have you got?”
“Impossible,” said Captain Righteous. “The crossbar holding the door in place is much too thick to break through. The best we can hope for is that the king agrees to pay a ransom for us. We’ll be demoted for sure. Possibly kicked out of the Kingsguard altogether. But at least...” He looked at Katherine and decided against finishing his thought.
“At least it’s better than what Butterbean and I have in store, you mean?”
The captain shot her an annoyed glare. “Your poor choices led to us being captured by Drow. Your fate is regrettable, but you have no one to blame but yourself.”
“Bullshit,” said Katherine. “There’s always a way out. I’ve busted out of this cell before. I can do it again.”
Bingam stared quizzically at Katherine through watery eyes. “What? You mean this particular cell that we’re locked inside of?”
“Yes.”
A glimmer of hope shone in Bingam’s eyes, and Katherine felt really bad about having to answer the question he was about to ask.
“How’d you do it?”
Katherine shrugged but couldn’t meet his gaze. “I was a vampire then. I turned into mist and slid through the window.”
Bingam’s lower lip quivered. He was trying hard
to keep from crying again, but that dam was about to burst.
“You were a vampire,” said Captain Righteous. “You were an undead abomination, living outside the Light’s grace, and that’s since cleared up like a mild case of the pox, has it?”
“I can explain that later. We’re wasting valuable brainstorming time.”
“Brainstorming?” The captain actually cracked a smile. “There is clearly a tempest raging in your brain, Miss Katherine. In my whole career as a –”
“That's it!”
“What’s it?”
“My hole!”
Bingam lost his composure and started sobbing again.
Captain Righteous frowned sympathetically at Katherine. “Miss. I appreciate the desperate nature of your situation, but our Drow captor has already stated that he’s not particularly attracted to you. Besides, I believe he’s currently... self-administering any needs you could hope to satisfy with your... hole. Might I suggest you die with at least a little bit of dignity?”
“You need to get your mind out of the gutter, creep.” Katherine pulled the small square of magical fabric from her cloak. “How good are you with a crossbow?”
The captain squinted at her. “Do you ever have more than one coherent thought in a row?”
“Forget it,” said Katherine. “We’ll find out soon enough.” Careful to keep aware of which side of the hole she’d had stuck to her cloak, she placed the black cloth on the door just below the window. With the iron bands holding the vertical planks of the door together, the hole it opened was just shy of penetrating through to the other side of the door, but it was deep enough to allow Katherine to wrest one of the three iron bars loose. Unfortunately, the bar slipped through her fingers, fell outside the door, and landed noisily on the stone floor.
“What in the Abyss!” cried Stavros from a short distance down the hall.
Katherine backed away from the door as footsteps quickly approached.
“What are you doing?” whispered Captain Righteous. “Grab the Portable Hole!”
But it was too late for that. Stavros’s face was in the window, sweating and seething. His wild eyes examined the perfectly cubic extension of the interior of the window.