by Carla Coupe
“You mean this was arson?”
“I mean, dear heart, that I decided to cremate that loathsome lump of wood. I took him and his shoebox, carried them into the living room, and tossed him into the fireplace.”
Oscar pressed both hands to his chest. “There goes my comeback.”
Mitzi continued. “Then…I don’t know. His stupid beard seemed to explode…flames came shooting out of the fireplace. They hit the drapes and those caught fire…then the damn furniture started to go.” She shook her head angrily. “Now the whole shebang is ablaze.” Looking directly into the camera, she added, “If you’re out there watching, Oscar . . .” She gave him the finger.
Borneo raised his shaggy eyebrows high. “Hey, is she talking to you, Oscar?”
“I’m not in the mood for conversation just now.” Abandoning his club soda, he walked out into the night.
* * * *
His daughter phone a few minutes shy of midnight. “I didn’t want you to worry.”
“I’m way beyond worry, kid.”
“When I caught the report about Mom’s mansion on the news, I figured you’d assume that Screwy Santa was gone.”
“Certainly I assumed that. There was Mitzi, fatter than every, hollering for all the world to hear that my poor hapless creation was the cause of the whole blinking conflagration.”
“It was a ringer, Dad.”
“Eh?”
“I dropped by to visit Mom this afternoon and when she went away to yell at Clarissa, I substituted my old Screwy Santa doll for your dummy,” explained Tish. “In a way, I may be responsible for that dreadful fire. The doll’s a lot more flammable than—”
“No, there was some parent flap at the time, but we proved beyond a doubt that the dolls were perfectly safe if—”
“I have your dummy here in my apartment.”
“You’ve really got Screwy?”
“Yes, he’s sitting on my bed right this minute,” she assured her father. “It’s lucky I went out there when I did and saved him before Mom got going on her plan to destroy the little guy. Why did you go and telephone her and make it crystal clear that you were in desperate need of him? That was dippy, since it inspired her to destroy him.”
“I didn’t call her as myself. But somehow she penetrated my—”
“That’s because, trust me, you do a terrible British voice. When do you need him?”
“Tomorrow.”
“I thought you weren’t doing the show until Friday.”
“Well, and keep this to yourself, kid, there’s a possibility they’ll devote a separate seg all to me.”
“That would be great.”
“So can I pick him up tomorrow?”
“Sure, come by around one and I’ll take you to lunch.”
“Can’t make lunch, because I have some people to see while I’m in the Apple. But I’ll pop in, give you a paternal hug, and grab Screwy Santa,” he said. “Thanks. You’re a perfect daughter.”
“Perfect for you, I guess. Bye.”
Everything worked out well for Oscar. He did, in fact, do a segment of his own, which ran nearly four minutes, on Have a Good Day, USA!. And Vince Mxyzptlk was able to get him an impressive batch of other jobs. At the moment there’s also the possibility of a new kid show for Oscar and Screwy Santa on cable.
Oscar was able to leave his forlorn condo for a three-bedroom colonial in Brimstone, Connecticut last month.
While he was packing, he came across the length of pipe he’d intended to use on Mitzi. He slapped it across the palm of his hand a few times, and, sighing, tossed it into a carton.
_______________
Ron Goulart has been a freelance writer for several decades now. He sold his first short story while a sophomore at UC, Berkeley. He worked for 13 years writing humorous copy for ad agencies in San Francisco and Hollywood. He said goodbye to all that in 1968 and has been a freelance ever since. He has written nearly 200 books. Seventy some science fiction books, about fifty mysteries. It’s been estimated that he’s sold over 700 stories and articles. He’s been nominated twice for the Edgar from MWA, once for the Nebula from SFWA. His short stories have appeared in over sixty five mystery and science fiction anthologies. Not including this one. He has written a dozen nonfiction books, mostly about comic books, comic strips and pulps. Within the next few months, his two novels about the Victorian occult detective, Harry Challenge will be reissued as e-books by Wildside Press. Three of his other SF novels, including Skyrocket Steele, are due in audio-book editions. His brand new website will also appear shortly.