by Amy Gutman
7
And already it could almost seem as if she’d never existed at all.
8
9
10
By the time Kate finished up work in the firm library, it was after 11
ten. Still, she wanted to get her thoughts on paper before going 12
home for the night. She’d learned from experience that, like 13
dreams, her legal theories often slipped from her mind if she didn’t 14
capture them right away. Hoisting a stack of Federal Reporters, she 15
waved good night to Justin, who was still scribbling away in a cu-16
bicle by the window. Seeing him there, his handsome features con-17
sumed in thought, gave her a settled, peaceful feeling. It was as if 18
they were back at Harvard. Just another late night at Langdell.
19
Back on the fifty-first floor, Kate swung by Andrea’s office for a 20
quick chat, but the door was closed and locked. She turned back 21
and headed for her own office. The firm seemed to have shut down 22
early tonight. She didn’t see a single person. Nearing her office, she 23
saw the door was shut. The cleaning crew must have closed up.
24
Kate felt a flash of annoyance. Maybe it was silly, but she wanted 25
colleagues to know that she was working late. The brightly lit of-26
fice was a badge of honor, a sign that you were pulling your weight.
27
Shifting her books to one hip, Kate fumbled in her purse for keys.
28
As she stepped into her dark office, Kate instantly knew some-29
thing was wrong. Before any further thought could form, she spun 30
around, back toward the door.
31
But it was already too late.
32
A powerful arm clamped around her neck, while a hand 33
smashed over her mouth. Her body went rigid, arching out reflex-34 sh
35 re
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 174
1 7 4
A M Y G U T M A N
1
ively like a fish on the end of a hook. Her load of books dropped to 2
the ground. She tried to scream but no sound came out. She could 3
hear someone breathing behind her.
4
“Just keep quiet. ” The commanding voice was familiar, but Kate 5
was too disoriented to make a connection. “I don’t want to hurt 6
you. ”
7
Her attacker exuded a pungent odor, frightening and unfamiliar.
8
Heat radiated from his body in waves. Before Kate knew what was 9
happening, a large hand forced open her mouth, shoving a wad of 10
something soft inside it. Then she felt a band of cloth being 11
wrapped tightly once, twice, three times around her jaw. Having 12
completed this task, her assailant pinned her arms to her sides and 13
pushed her toward the back of the office. His arms pressed against 14
her like a vise. She bucked forward, trying to break free, but the 15
grip only tightened.
16
“You keep doing this, and these hands are going to be around your 17
neck, ” the voice whispered matter-of-factly.
18
Kate let her limbs go slack.
19
Then he was hurling her into the corner at the rear of her office, 20
his heavy body crushing her back into the place where the two 21
walls met. Kate could feel herself trembling uncontrollably. She 22
could barely breathe. If only she could see, she’d be able to get her 23
bearings. The office was dark, so dark. It was then that she realized 24
what had alerted her to danger in the first place. The lack of light.
25
Always, when she entered her office, the lights flashed on. But that 26
hadn’t happened this time.
27
“This will all be over before you know it, ” the voice continued.
28
“Just relax and try to enjoy it. ”
29
Try to enjoy it. The hand resting on her right shoulder began to 30
move slowly downward, stopping when it reached her breast.
31
Then, rhythmically, the hand began to squeeze, softly at first and 32
then harder.
33
“You like that, don’t you, ” the voice crooned. “Don’t worry, we’re ort 34
just getting started. ”
reg 35
Kate’s muscles recoiled from the contact. But trapped against 9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 175
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
1 7 5
the wall, there was no place to go. She tried to think, to come up 1
with a plan, but her mind seemed to be short-circuiting. The hand 2
that had been squeezing her breast began to travel farther down 3
her body. She felt a rough tug at her skirt followed by the sound of 4
fabric ripping. The garment dropped to her ankles, and a hand was 5
clawing at her stockings, pulling them down along with her beige 6
bikini panties. She felt fingers against her, fumbling. Then, with a 7
sharp flash of pain, he was inside her, fingers ramming up her body.
8
Back and forth the fingers went, deeper and deeper, tearing at the 9
dry interior tissue.
10
“Come on, baby, relax. ” She could feel her assailant’s heavy 11
breath against her cheek, its pace increasing as his hand moved 12
more quickly. While tears gathered in her eyes, another part of her 13
remained the objective observer. Thoughts floated through, but 14
they seemed to come from outside her. He’s going to rape you, the 15
thoughts said. And then he’s going to kill you. And there’s nothing you 16
can do about it.
17
As the thrusting inside her grew harder, she saw the outlines of 18
a bobbing head pressed hard against her breast. Her eyes were ad-19
justing to the dark.
20
“Come on, now, come on. ”
21
That voice, so familiar. But where . . . Then, in a blinding mo-22
ment, she knew exactly who it was.
23
Chuck Thorpe.
24
The shock of the realization was so great that she almost 25
stopped breathing. At the same instant, almost as if he could read 26
her mind, Thorpe stopped. He roughly pulled his hand from her 27
body, wiping it on her black suit jacket. Stepping back, he held her 28
firmly in place, his hands pressing into her shoulders.
29
“I guess that’s enough for tonight. ” Kate could make out a sneering 30
smile. “You really should learn to relax, Ms. Paine. ”
31
Kate stared across the room, her mind still struggling to com-32
prehend what had just happened. From the corner of her eye, she 33
watched Thorpe brush off his clothes. Still watching her, he picked 34 sh
up the jacket he’d dropped on the built-in bookshelf and put it on.
35 re
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 176
1 7 6
A M Y G U T M A N
1
Then he opened the office door and sauntered out. Kate was 2
vaguely aware of minutes passing. Still, she continued to gaze 3
straight ahead, leaning against th
e wall where he’d left her.
4
It was some time before she thought to move.
5
6
7
During the ride home, Kate sat silently in the backseat of the taxi 8
she’d flagged down outside the building. On a normal night, she 9
would have called for a car from one of the fleets retained by the 10
firm to transport its late-working minions. But this was no normal 11
night. The familiar sights of Broadway flashed by. She tried to fo-12
cus on her surroundings, anything to stop herself from thinking.
13
The deli where she sometimes grabbed a tuna fish sandwich. A 14
burned-out fast-food joint, charred and vacant. All she wanted was 15
to be home, alone, safe behind her own locked door.
16
An interminable fifteen minutes later, she was closing and bolt-17
ing her apartment door. She scanned the familiar room. The well-18
worn sofa still cluttered with remnants of this morning’s Times.
19
The desk piled high with papers and unopened mail. The tall 20
bookcases against the right wall. Everything was just as she’d left it.
21
And yet, instead of calming her, the effect was one of further dis-22
location. Objects she’d left that morning — a half-full coffee mug 23
on the pine coffee table, a blue glass vase full of dried flowers —
24
seemed alien, sinister in their blank indifference. This apartment 25
belonged to the woman she’d been before, to a person who no 26
longer existed.
27
Slowly, as if she were a visitor in her own home, Kate walked to 28
the small hall closet and hung up her cape. Then, in a burst of mo-29
tion, she headed for the bathroom. Stripping off her crumpled 30
clothing, she turned on the shower full blast and stepped inside.
31
The water was scalding, but she didn’t try to adjust it. She almost 32
welcomed the pain, as if it could somehow erase what had hap-33
pened.
ort 34
For some time, Kate stood immobile under the stinging jets of reg 35
water, letting them pound into her skin. Then she picked up a bar 9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 177
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
1 7 7
of soap and a loofah sponge and began to scrub, first gently and 1
then harder. She could feel her skin smarting beneath the rough 2
strokes, but she didn’t care. All that mattered was getting rid of any 3
traces of Chuck Thorpe. She brought her whole concentration to 4
bear, moving over her body piece by piece, inch by inch, washing 5
herself from head to toe. Still, she didn’t feel clean enough. She 6
could feel Chuck Thorpe’s heavy weight pressing against her chest, 7
his hands, damp and insistent, roaming over her body. As torrents 8
of water pounded against her, Kate retraced the path again, paying 9
special attention to the places that Thorpe had touched. Her 10
shoulders. Her breasts. Between her legs. Finally done with this 11
task, she squeezed a glob of shampoo into her palm and started in 12
on her hair.
13
It was half an hour before Kate emerged from the bathroom, her 14
head wrapped in a towel, her body encased in a full-length robe.
15
After the dull roar of the shower, the empty silence of her apart-16
ment filled her with a vague unease. As she pulled the terry-cloth 17
length of her robe more tightly around her body, Kate could feel a 18
pulse beating in her head. Then, without warning, she was hit by a 19
blinding rage. The emotion seemed to come from somewhere out-20
side her, storming the fragile battlements of her self-control. It all 21
came back to her, the scent of Thorpe’s sweat, the sound of his 22
breathing, the sensation of his hands on her breast, between her 23
legs. Anger surged through her like an electric current. There was 24
nothing rational about this feeling, nothing reasoned or consid-25
ered. Thinking of Thorpe, she wanted, quite simply, to destroy 26
him.
27
Then, just as quickly, the rage receded, leaving her desolate and 28
alone.
29
What was she going to do?
30
The obvious next step was to call the police. And yet, what 31
would that really accomplish? People would arrive; phones would 32
ring; events would be set in motion. She saw herself in a hospital, 33
interrogated by uniformed officers, klieg lights shining down on 34 sh
her body. Instead of the independent woman she’d struggled to be-35 re
9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 178
1 7 8
A M Y G U T M A N
1
come, she’d now be known as a victim. Someone to be questioned, 2
pitied, and examined. Someone who, unable to protect herself, 3
had been forced to seek help from strangers.
4
This was not who she wanted to be.
5
Leaning against the wall, Kate pressed her hand to her face. If 6
she could just calm down, think more clearly. If she could just shut 7
down her emotions and let her mind work, her cool, analytic 8
mind. Then she could figure out what to do.
9
A drink. Maybe that would help. Somewhere in the kitchen she 10
had a bottle of red wine, a Christmas gift from a legal transcription 11
company. She located the dusty bottle in a cabinet behind a stash 12
of seldom-used pots and pans. Chateau Whyte Legal Services. She’d 13
kept it as a sort of joke, the ultimate bottle of bad Long Island 14
wine. But tonight she’d hardly know the difference. Kate’s hands 15
trembled as she jammed a corkscrew into the bottle, and it took a 16
few yanks before she finally pulled out the cork. She took a wine-17
glass out of a cabinet and filled it almost to the brim. Still standing 18
at the counter, she took two long gulps. Then, carrying the glass 19
along with the bottle, she moved to the living room.
20
For a moment, she thought of calling someone. Tara or Andrea.
21
Or maybe Justin. Someone who could help her decide what to do 22
next. But she already knew what they’d say: they would tell her to 23
call the police. And she couldn’t do that. At least not yet.
24
And it wasn’t just the immediate repercussions. There was also 25
the question of her career.
26
Even if the charges stuck, her career at Samson & Mills would 27
be effectively over. WideWorld Media was one of Samson’s most 28
valued clients, an account worth millions of dollars a year. If she 29
accused Chuck Thorpe of sexual assault, she’d be launching an at-30
tack on WideWorld as well. Samson could never continue to rep-31
resent Chuck Thorpe in a sexual harassment case when one of its 32
own lawyers had accused him of sexual assault. LAWYER AT-33
TACKED BY SEX MAG MAGNATE. She could see the tabloid ort 34
headlines now.
reg 35
And then there was the issue of Samson’s reputation. If the fight 985
8_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 179
E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H
1 7 9
over Madeleine’s partnership election had drawn news coverage, 1
just think what would happen now. One female partner murdered.
2
Another attacked by a client. Samson would be caught in a media 3
feeding frenzy. And it would all be her fault. Or so it would seem.
4
So what if Chuck Thorpe was a psychopath? She would still be the 5
one to pay the price. Nothing — not her Harvard degree, not the 6
countless hours she’d put in at the firm — would be able to salvage 7
her career. She could already imagine how events would unfold.
8
She would be questioned gently, respectfully. She would be granted 9
a paid leave to recuperate and rest. Everything would be done to 10
show that the firm had her best interests at heart. The partners 11
would act as though they were on her side, as though things would 12
go on as before.
13
But everything would have changed.
14
Instead of a valued member of the Samson team, she would have 15
become an outsider, a quantity to be contained and controlled.
16
And when the furor had died down, she’d be urged to seek other 17
employment. All for her own good, of course. They would do any-18
thing they could to help her. But they wouldn’t want her around.
19
Her presence would be inextricably linked to a scandal they hoped 20
to forget. Even if they believed her, they still wouldn’t want her 21
around.
22
She’d have to start over. Again. The thought filled her with de-23
spair. It was as if she’d been starting over her whole life. Her par-24
ents’ divorce. Her mother’s death. Michael’s betrayal. An endless 25
succession of things breaking down. At Samson, she’d thought she 26
finally would be able to rest. That in exchange for all her hard 27
work, she’d be allowed to take root in one place. But now . . .
28
Taking another long sip of wine, Kate let her head fall back on 29
the sofa. As if from a great distance, she looked back on the 30
evening’s events. Her late-night return to a darkened office. The 31
surprise attack. The moment she’d first seen Thorpe’s profile.
32
Again, a burst of anger shot through her. Chuck Thorpe. Who 33
was he to place her in this position? To force her to give up every-34 sh
thing she’d worked so hard to achieve? But there was something 35 re