Equivocal Death
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muted about the anger. Mingling with rage, she sensed another 2
emotion, subtle but growing stronger.
3
Doubt.
4
It nagged at the edges of her mind, crowding out other thoughts.
5
Had she really done all she could to fight back? Or was this whole 6
thing partly her fault? Why didn’t you struggle? He didn’t have a 7
weapon, at least none you could see. Why didn’t you try to get away?
8
Kate drank down what was left in her glass and poured another.
9
She drank patiently, industriously, waiting for relief. Slowly, almost 10
imperceptibly, a heavy warmth settled in her stomach, like a cat 11
curling up for a nap. Minutes passed. Kate drank some more and 12
felt the glow build.
13
I should do this more often, she thought. How wonderful not to feel.
14
Maybe she should just try to forget about this, pretend that it 15
hadn’t happened. . . . But that was ridiculous. You couldn’t just let 16
it go, not something like this . . . or could you? Worse things, much 17
worse things, happened on the streets of New York every day.
18
Madeleine Waters’s murder, for one. Here she was, safe at home, 19
drinking a bottle of wine. Anyone who saw her now would see a 20
woman to be envied. She still had her health, her job, her home.
21
Nothing external had changed. Was it really so terrible what had 22
happened to her? Or was she overreacting? Even if they believed 23
her, would the New York police really care? She was still sentient.
24
Still in one piece. She hadn’t even been raped.
25
Or had she?
26
With an involuntary shudder, she remembered the brutal thrust 27
of Thorpe’s hand, his fingers groping around inside her. Penetra-28
tion, yes, just not with the usual object. It was like an issue-spotter 29
question on a law school exam, where they tried to trick you by 30
switching the facts. Penetration, yes; penis, no. What result? She 31
could feel laughter welling up inside her, but what came out was a 32
strangled bark.
33
Kate took another long drink of wine. Through a deepening ort 34
haze, she tried to remember what she’d learned in school. But it reg 35
was so long ago, those Crim Law lectures in Pound Hall, and 9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 181
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they’d barely touched on rape. Never discussed the physical re-1
quirements at all that she recalled. She could summon up only bits 2
and pieces, odd fragments of information that had astonished or 3
interested her. Like the fact that rape prosecutions had once re-4
quired the testimony of a corroborating witness, an effective bar to 5
all but the rarest of cases since even the clumsiest of rapists gener-6
ally works alone. Or the largely discarded requirement that women 7
fight off their rapists, no matter that they fear for their lives. No re-8
sistance, no rape.
9
Placing her wineglass on the coffee table, Kate abruptly stood 10
up. The room spun for a moment, and she steadied herself by lean-11
ing against the wall. Walking toward the full-length mirror on her 12
bedroom door, she stepped out of her robe, careful not to trip on 13
the sagging hem. Standing unsteadily before the mirror, she stud-14
ied her unclothed form. Leaning forward, she looked closely at her 15
face. Then, craning her neck, she turned around, examining the 16
backs of her arms and legs. Except for the wild flush that stained 17
her cheeks, her skin was a translucent white. The eyes that met 18
hers gleamed feverishly, the glittering eyes of a stranger.
19
Done with the examination, Kate put her robe back on and re-20
turned to the couch. She picked up her wineglass and drained it.
21
Then she poured another glass. No marks. No signs. No evidence.
22
Just her word against Chuck Thorpe’s. She herself could almost be-23
gin to doubt whether the thing she remembered had happened.
24
Leaning back into the sofa cushions, Kate studied the wine bot-25
tle on the coffee table. Almost empty.
26
Time to drink up.
27
Kate tipped the last of the crimson liquid into her glass. Crim-28
son. The color of Harvard. The color of blood. Her mind went to 29
Madeleine Waters, her body lying splayed and brutalized near the 30
riverbank. Then, with a start, she sat upright, her heart beating 31
hard in her chest. Why hadn’t she thought of it before? You have to 32
be very careful. It all came together. Madeleine had been warning her 33
about Chuck Thorpe. She thought of Carmen Rodriguez’s words, 34 sh
the day after Madeleine’s body was found: They used her to keep 35 re
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Thorpe happy. Finally she stood up for herself and look what hap-2
pened. . . .
3
And look what happened.
4
As the words echoed in her brain, a wave of dizziness descended.
5
Kate looked at the bottle of wine. Empty. It occurred to her that 6
she was very, very drunk. She could feel her mind growing dimmer, 7
as if someone had pulled a plug. The point that had struck her with 8
such urgency had utterly slipped from her mind. What was it 9
again? Something about Madeleine . . . Madeleine and Chuck 10
Thorpe . . .
11
It was no use. Tomorrow. She’d come back to it all tomorrow.
12
For now she just needed to sleep.
13
Lifting herself off the couch, Kate staggered through her bed-14
room doorway. She peeled off her bathrobe, and pulled out a 15
nightgown from a dresser drawer. The flannel garment was freshly 16
washed, smelling of laundry detergent. A gift from her mother 17
many years ago. Tears sprang to Kate’s eyes. And then the emotion 18
faded, giving way to a blissful void. Collapsing onto her bed, Kate 19
lay still for a moment in the dark. Then, she pulled back the cov-20
ers and slipped between the sheets.
21
Within minutes, her mind went blank.
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
ort 34
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Tuesday, January 12
1
2
Kate woke up five hours later with a pounding headache and a 3
mouth that tasted as if a small rodent had curled up inside. It was 4
still dark out as she stumbled to the bathroom. Without bothering 5
ing up long gulps of water with her hands, letting the cold liquid 7
course down her throat.
8
Leaving the bathroom, Kate tripped over something, a towel 9
perhaps, and bent over to pick it up. Then she stopped cold.
10
There, in a pathetic pile, were the crumpled, torn remains of the 11
black suit she’d worn yesterday. With its fitted jacket and kick-12
pleat skirt, this outfit had been one of her favorites. Now, she 13
stared at it in revulsion. Her first impulse was to bundle up the 14
whole pile and toss it down the building’s trash chute. But the 15
lawyer in her protested. If any evidence remained of Thorpe’s at-16
tack, it was probably on this clothing. And while she didn’t plan to 17 sh
press charges, there was nothing to be gained from discarding 18 re
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whatever proof she had. Stomach heaving, she went to the kitchen 2
and pulled out a garbage bag from under the sink. Returning to the 3
bathroom, she knelt on the floor. Gingerly, with thumb and fore-4
finger, she picked up first the skirt, then the jacket, and dropped 5
them into the black plastic bag. Then, cinching the yellow draw-6
string tight, she tossed the whole thing into a hall closet and firmly 7
shut the door.
8
An hour and three glasses of orange juice later, Kate decided to 9
call in sick. It was a little after eight. She left a voice mail message 10
for Jennifer, pleading the flu and saying that she could be reached 11
at home if needed. Then she toddled back to the kitchen for more 12
fluids.
13
Now, in the light of day, she was relieved that she hadn’t called 14
the police. It was definitely the right decision. Far better to pro-15
ceed quietly. Tomorrow morning she’d go to Carter Mills and to-16
gether they’d decide what to do. She’d describe the situation 17
calmly, making clear that she was loyal to the firm, that she had no 18
intention of creating trouble. Her recital would be slow and meas-19
ured, devoid of emotional overtones. She would behave, in a word, 20
like a Samson attorney.
21
Back on the living room sofa, Kate picked up the remote control 22
and snapped on the television. In a strange way, she was glad to 23
feel hungover. The physical discomfort provided a focus, some-24
thing to keep her from thinking about last night. After all, there 25
was nothing to be done today. She’d spend the morning watching 26
television, something she hadn’t done since childhood.
27
Kate was halfway through a rerun of I Love Lucy when the 28
phone rang. Eyes still riveted to the flickering images, she waited 29
for her machine to pick up. The recording clicked on, bright and 30
alert. “I can’t take your call right now, but if you’ll leave a message, I’ll 31
get back to you as soon as I can. ” Could that really be her voice?
32
“Hey, Kate. Come on, I know you’re there. Pick up the phone.”
33
Breaking loose from her TV-induced trance, Kate grabbed the ort 34
receiver. “Hey, Justin.”
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brisk and hearty, as if he’d just returned from the gym. In fact, he 1
probably had.
2
“Oh, you know . . . , I was coming down with something on 3
Sunday. I thought I’d got it kicked, but . . .” She felt uncomfortable 4
lying to Justin, but the prospect of disclosing the truth was even 5
more disturbing.
6
“You don’t sound so good,” Justin said.
7
“I was just dozing off. I didn’t sleep so well last night.” Kate 8
forced a cough, as if to underscore the point.
9
“Hey, I’m going to try to cut out of here early tonight for a 10
change,” Justin said. “How about if I stop over and bring you some 11
dinner?”
12
Kate felt a rush of gratitude. As usual, her refrigerator was al-13
most bare. And maybe some company would be good, prepare her 14
for the day to come. “That’s so nice of you,” Kate said. “Are you 15
sure you don’t mind?”
16
“Mind? Of course not. Hey, it’ll be like old times. Like we’re 17
back in school. ”
18
Kate knew he’d meant it as a joke, but she felt a pang. Old times.
19
Justin bringing her soup while she wept over Michael.
20
“That would be great, Justin,” Kate said. “I can’t thank you 21
enough.”
22
She’d just settled back into the couch when the phone rang 23
again. Thinking it was Justin calling back, Kate picked up without 24
waiting for the machine to kick in. But it was Tara.
25
“They said at work you were sick.” They. Jennifer had been 26
Kate’s secretary for more than a year, yet Tara could never seem to 27
remember her name. Just one of the subtle ways Tara showed her 28
antipathy to Samson & Mills.
29
“Well, they were right,” Kate said. “I’ve got the flu.”
30
“I can’t remember the last time you were sick,” Tara said. She 31
seemed uncertain how to continue. “It must really be bad to keep 32
you home.”
33
“I’ll be fine,” Kate said. “It’s just something going around. I’ll 34 sh
probably be better tomorrow.”
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“Well . . . , don’t force yourself to go back to work if you aren’t 2
ready. D’you need anything?”
3
“No, no. I’m all set. Justin’s going to bring over dinner.”
4
“You’re sure you don’t want me to come by?” For a moment, 5
Kate was tempted, lulled by the thought of a friendly presence. But 6
she just couldn’t risk it yet. Tara knew her too well. She’d know 7
that something was wrong. “No,” Kate said firmly. “Really, I’m fine.
8
Besides, I should probably get some sleep.”
9
When she hung up with Tara, it was just after ten. She still had 10
the whole day to fill. Her mind moved briefly to the night before 11
but she managed to stop herself. She didn’t want to think about 12
that. She didn’t want to think about anything.
13
Turning back to the TV screen, Kate watched the last few min-14
utes of I Love Lucy, then picked up the newspaper schedule to see 15
what came next. Roseanne, Grace Under Fire, and then Rikki Lake.
16
After that she could choose between The Newlywed Game — now 17
that wa
s a blast from the past — and Jenny Jones. Surveying her 18
choices for the afternoon, Kate felt a sense of abundance. Show af-19
ter show all day. She’d spend the rest of the morning and all after-20
noon immobile and entertained.
21
She wouldn’t have to think at all.
22
23
24
“If you’ve gotta be sick, it’s better to make it a Monday,” said Kate, 25
peeking into a fragrant cardboard carton. “What have we got here?”
26
“Hot-and-sour soup,” said Justin, reaching into a bag. “From 27
that Vietnamese place around the corner.”
28
Kate dipped a plastic spoon into the take-out container.
29
“Mmmm. I didn’t realize how hungry I was.”
30
“So why Monday?” said Justin. “What difference does it make?”
31
“Better TV,” said Kate. “All of my favorite shows.”
32
Justin rolled his eyes. “Glad to see that you’ve got your priorities 33
in order.” He lifted out another soup container. “So how are you ort 34
feeling, anyway?”
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“Better,” said Kate. “Really a lot better.” And, strangely enough, 1
she was. She’d spent most of the day sleeping and watching TV. Old 2
sitcoms with hokey plots and canned laugh tracks. The events of 3
last night had no place in that well-meaning world. And having no 4
place there, they’d ceased to exist. Now, sitting on the couch with 5
Justin, Kate was struck by a giddy sense of power, as if by pretend-6
ing that nothing had happened, she could actually make it so.
7
“So what’s going on at work?” Kate asked between spoonfuls 8
of spicy soup. She felt an urge to reconnect with the Samson & 9
Mills she knew, a fast-paced, rational world that hummed like a 10
well-oiled machine. A world where everything was clearly linked 11
by cause and effect. A world where violence never occurred.
12
“Let’s see.” Justin leaned back into the couch. “The big news to-13
day is that Drescher threw a stapler at a paralegal.”
14
Kate leaned forward. “He what? ”
15
“It was Erik Parks, a new kid. Just graduated from Amherst.
16
Anyway, Drescher had him stamping some huge document pro-17
duction. Parks had never done it before. He went back to ask 18
Drescher some question, and Drescher just started screaming at 19
him. Parks tried to back off, but I guess he wasn’t fast enough.”