by Amy Gutman
frustration evident in her voice. “I don’t know what you’re think-13
ing. Guys like Douglas don’t come along every day.”
14
Guys like Douglas don’t come along every day. The words had a fa-15
miliar ring. Now, Kate remembered where she’d heard them be-16
fore. Andrea had made the same point recently, only she’d been 17
talking about Justin.
18
Andrea. Now there was another painful subject. Kate had called 19
Andrea’s office yesterday afternoon, only to find that she’d left on 20
vacation. Left without a single word. It made no sense, no sense at 21
all. Andrea had been saving up her vacation time for that February 22
rafting trip in Chile. And now, inexplicably, she was gone. Kate 23
couldn’t make sense of it. She must have done something to upset 24
Andrea, though she couldn’t imagine what it was. But couldn’t 25
Andrea have raised the subject, given her a chance to explain?
26
Kate could feel depression setting in, a slow-moving fog across her 27
brain. But this wasn’t the time or place. She glanced at her watch, 28
raised her hand for the check.
29
Right now it was time to get going.
30
w
31
Across a vast expanse of Oriental carpet, Charles Harrison had 32
been holding forth for the past half hour, almost as if he were talk-33
ing to himself. Kate balanced a cup and saucer on her knee and 34 sh
tried to look attentive. It occurred to her that this single room was 35 re
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bigger than her whole apartment. Finally, there was a break in the 2
flow of words. Harrison gave Kate a quick glance, as if just remem-3
bering her presence.
4
“More coffee?”
5
“No thanks, I’m fine.” Kate was eager to push ahead, to move 6
beyond the meaningless generalities that were Harrison’s preferred 7
mode of discourse.
8
“It’s so hard to picture Carter anywhere other than at Samson & 9
Mills. What was he like in college?” It wasn’t much of a question.
10
But she had to move carefully here.
11
“He was the same,” Harrison said. “He was always the same.
12
And that’s why I’m quite sure that this whole thing is a terrible 13
mistake. Carter always rejected extremes. He was the essence of 14
stability. The essence of moderation. If he had a passion, that was 15
it. I’ll never forget our sophomore year of college. That was 1966, 16
during the Vietnam War.”
17
The word sounded strange to Kate’s ears. Vi- et- nam, the accent 18
on the second syllable. She’d never thought of Mills as a product of 19
the sixties. Now, counting back in time, she saw that the dates 20
matched up. There was something obscurely upsetting in this, as if 21
it showed yet another failure on her part. A failure to make use of 22
what facts she’d had.
23
“It was quite a tumultuous time. Protests, that sort of thing. In 24
the middle of it all, the secretary of defense came to speak on cam-25
pus. Robert McNamara. The SDS crowd was out in full force. I 26
think we all pretty much expected that. But not what came after-27
ward. When the radicals didn’t get what they wanted, they 28
stormed McNamara’s car. Actually pulled him out of the vehicle, 29
demanding that he answer their questions. It was horrifying. Truly.
30
I’d never seen Carter so angry. Not that he was a strong supporter 31
of the war. Like most of us, he was on the fence. But the idea that 32
students would resort to violence, to personal attacks . . . well, he 33
found that unacceptable.”
ort 34
Kate saw that Harrison was watching her, waiting for a response.
reg 35
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“That must have been very upsetting,” she said, trying to match his 1
expression.
2
“Very upsetting,” Harrison said. “Very upsetting indeed. You 3
young people don’t know what it’s like to live through a time like 4
that.”
5
“No,” Kate said. “I guess you’re right. And Carter, I mean, was 6
he generally active in campus politics?” Clumsy, but at least she’d 7
pushed the conversation back on track. Back to the subject of 8
Mills.
9
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” Harrison gave a short laugh. “Despite 10
what you read in history books, a lot more was going on during the 11
sixties than student rebellion. Basically, we just went ahead with 12
our lives. On a day-to-day basis, we were a lot more concerned 13
about other things. Such as whether the Cliffies were going to use 14
our library.”
15
Kate could feel her eyes narrow.
16
“It didn’t bother me so much once it happened,” Harrison said 17
quickly. “It was just the change, you know. No one likes change.”
18
Yeah, right. Except those pushy Radcliffe bitches.
19
Kate smiled sweetly. “I know what you mean.”
20
Harrison looked at her another few moments, as if trying to de-21
cide whether he’d misjudged her. Gradually his gaze seemed to 22
soften. “I know how distressing this must be for you, dear. But you 23
have to believe me when I say that James would never do what 24
they’re saying he did. Never. He had nothing but contempt for 25
people who took the easy way out.”
26
Kate looked at him, confused. “James?” she said. “You mean 27
Carter? ”
28
Harrison tapped his forehead with a long, thin finger. “Yes, yes, 29
of course. Carter. That’s what I meant. Anyway, as I was saying. . . .”
30
w
31
Kate had just gotten out of the bathtub when she realized that she 32
had yet to check tomorrow’s schedule. Wrapped in a terry robe, she 33
sat down at her desk and logged on to Samson’s network. A few 34 sh
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clicks of the mouse and then her calendar popped up. Thursday, 2
January 21. The space was strangely blank. Just one thing on for 3
the day: her weekly four o’clock with Josie. She’d go into work af-4
ter lunch.
5
Water dripped down her neck; she needed to get a towel. But 6
before closing down the computer, she should check America On-7
line. Most e-mail went to her office account, but the occasional 8
message still landed here. “You’ve got mail.” She clicked on the 9
icon and scanned the results. Just the usual slew of mass mailings, 10
most from purveyors of porn. S
he was about to delete them en 11
masse, when one message caught her eye. While sex e-mails usu-12
ally came with provocative tags, the message line here was blank.
13
The sender was Adam0116. She clicked to open it up.
14
I have some information that I think would interest you about recent 15
events at your law firm. Contact me if you want to learn more. Staring 16
at the message, Kate felt goosebumps rising on her arms. For a crazy 17
moment, she almost thought that someone was watching her. She 18
whipped her head around, rapidly scanning the room. But, of 19
course, no one was there. Turning back to the screen, she read the 20
message again. Who was Adam0116? She clicked on Member Pro-21
files, hoping she’d find some clue. There is no profile for Adam0116.
22
The words gleamed back from the screen.
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
ort 34
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Thursday, January 21
1
2
Kate stared at the newspaper spread out on her lap. She’d already 3
fielded phone calls from Justin and Tara, but she still couldn’t quite 4
believe it. Again, she read the gigantic tabloid headline. CRIME
5
OF PASSION: SUICIDE GUN LINKED TO LEGAL BEAUTY’S
6
DEATH. Then her eyes moved back to the article’s text.
7
8
The Press has learned that Samson & Mills legend Carter Mills 9
ended his life with a valuable antique firearm, the same gun used just ten 10
days earlier to kill Madeleine Waters, a partner in the firm who was ru-11
mored to be Mills’s former lover.
12
Sources say that the revolver was recovered Saturday night, shortly 13
after Mills’s blood-soaked body was discovered in his midtown office.
14
“Ballistics tests leave no doubt that the murder weapon and the suicide 15
gun are one and the same,” said an official close to the investigation, 16
who spoke on condition that his identity be withheld.
17 sh
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The reasons for Mills’s choice of weapon — which sources describe as 2
a Colt Lightning double-action .38-caliber revolver — remain mysteri-3
ous. Experts consulted by the Press estimated the gun’s value at approx-4
imately $2,000 to $4,000, depending on its condition. However, they 5
cautioned that a gun of this age would be of interest primarily as a col-6
lector’s item, as it could prove unreliable on firing. . . .
7
8
Kate gazed at the words. Regret. Confusion. Despair. Pushing 9
the paper away, she rested her head in her hands. How much had 10
changed in the past few days. At first, she’d been so sure that 11
Thorpe was the killer. So convinced of Mills’s innocence. She’d 12
wanted so much to believe in Mills, to believe in anything at 13
all. She’d dismissed Sam Howell’s suspicions without a second 14
thought. And even when Drescher had told her the truth, she’d 15
managed to write it off. Only with the discovery of the WideWorld 16
bills had doubt begun to creep in. Mills had been cheating the 17
firm, and Madeleine had held the proof. And still, despite every-18
thing, she’d continued to wait and hope. Only now did Kate admit 19
to herself how much she’d wanted to be wrong.
20
If only there was someone to talk to. A name popped into her 21
mind. Chewing on a thumbnail, she thought it over. No doubt 22
he’d be surprised by her call, but at least he would understand.
23
Sam Howell picked up right away.
24
“It’s Kate,” she said. “Kate Paine. So I guess you’ve probably 25
heard.”
26
“Yes,” he said. “I have.” His voice was gentle, tinged with regret.
27
He didn’t sound smug at all.
28
From her seat on the couch, Kate could see that snow was start-29
ing to fall. “So you were right,” she said. “I still can’t believe it.
30
What was it? How did you know?”
31
“It was the letter, I guess. The one I told you about. I knew that 32
something must have happened. For her to write after all those 33
years.”
ort 34
Kate picked at a hangnail. “I think I know why Carter did it.
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You said that Madeleine knew something bad about Carter. I think 1
I know what it was. I can’t talk about it now. But I wanted you to 2
know.”
3
“And you. How are you?” Howell said, letting the subject drop.
4
“Oh, I’m fine. Hanging in there.” She didn’t want to tell him 5
about finding Carter’s body. Not in her current state.
6
“So can I ask you a question?” she inquired.
7
“Shoot.”
8
“In Sag Harbor, you said you were worried about me. That was 9
why you tracked me down.”
10
“That’s right.”
11
“Well, I don’t understand. Even if I do look a little like Mad-12
eleine, what would that matter? Carter didn’t kill Madeleine be-13
cause of how she looked. He killed her to keep her from talking.”
14
When Howell didn’t answer, Kate went on. “The thing is, I 15
didn’t tell you this before, but right before she died, Madeleine 16
gave me a sort of warning. She told me to be very careful. She was 17
going to say more, but the phone rang. I never found out what she 18
meant.”
19
“She saw it, too,” Howell said. “She knew what could happen to 20
you.”
21
Tearing at her hangnail again, Kate felt an oddly pleasurable 22
glint of pain. “I don’t understand,” she said. “Are you saying that 23
Madeleine knew she was in danger? That doesn’t make any sense.
24
If she’d had any idea —”
25
“No, no, that’s not what I mean.” A hint of irritation edged 26
Howell’s voice, as if he’d expected Kate to understand. “It wasn’t 27
that Madeleine knew she was going to die. Or rather, she knew 28
that she already had. There are many ways to die. There’s physical 29
death, the death of the body, and then there’s the sort of gradual 30
death that takes place when you give up. Madeleine was murdered 31
on January sixth. But the other death, the death of the soul, if you 32
will, had been a long, long process. It began years ago, when she 33
first gave Carter Mills the right to tell her who she was and
what 34 sh
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she was worth. It wasn’t her own opinion that counted, but his.
2
She may have looked like she was alive, but she wasn’t really. Not 3
in the ways that matter. She hadn’t been for a very long time.”
4
“I really don’t think it’s the same,” Kate said. “I mean, murder is 5
murder. You’re just talking in metaphors.”
6
Ignoring her, Howell went on. “In her letter, Madeline said 7
she’d been thinking about the choices she’d made in her twenties.
8
In the beginning, she’d been flattered by Mills’s interest. She went 9
into the affair with her eyes open. At least, that’s how she saw it 10
then. It was years later before she started to reassess. By then it was 11
too late. Their careers were completely intertwined. It was terribly 12
painful, she said. On the surface, she’d gotten nothing but benefits 13
from the affair. She got great assignments, became a partner. But 14
there was another side to it as well. The sense of never knowing for 15
sure why she’d done so well. Could she really have done it on her 16
own? Of course, she was an excellent lawyer. This wasn’t the case 17
of a bimbo being promoted out of the boss’s typing pool. It was 18
much more subtle. But it still had a devastating impact. Certain 19
partners never took her seriously, no matter how many cases she 20
won. There was no room for error. She still had to prove to 21
them — and maybe to herself — that she deserved to be where she 22
was.”
23
Kate twisted the phone cord around her finger. “So what does 24
any of this have to do with me?”
25
“It’s the resemblance. Looking at you, Madeleine must have 26
seen a younger version of herself. She knew what could happen at 27
Samson. And for you the risks were especially high. Since you were 28
working for Carter Mills.”
29
“There was nothing like that between Carter and me.” Kate’s 30
voice was sharper now. “If anything, he was like a sort of father. ”
31
Howell laughed out loud. “Did you ever run that by him? I’d 32
love to have heard his response.”
33
“I don’t see how you can —”
ort 34
Howell cut in. “Look, all I’m saying is that he must have been reg 35
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