by Ha Jin
Sitting at his desk, Lin kept saying to himself, I must see her today.
For a whole morning whenever he was not with a patient, his mind would wander to Manna’s meeting with Commissar Wei. He was anxious, because he had heard horrible stories about the top officers’ private lives and was afraid Manna might become a victim. There was this general of a field army, Commander Pengfan Hong, who had changed wives every three or four years because he was too savage in bed for a regular woman to last longer than that. Every one of his wives would fall ill within a year of the wedding and soon die of kidney disease. Again and again the Party arranged a new wife for him, but after the deaths of several women he was finally persuaded to marry a large Russian woman, the only one who remained unbroken after living with him for seven years. Lin was fearful, since he had been told that Commissar Wei was a bulky man.
From Ran Su he had heard that Commissar Wei had called the hospital the morning after meeting Manna, saying that he had been very pleased to see her in person, and that he would like to keep contact with her and see where the relationship would go. Also from Director Su, Lin had found out that the commissar had divorced his wife not because of any marital problem but because she had written a booklet criticizing some member in the Political Bureau in Beijing and had been turned into a counter-revolutionary. Now she was being reformed on a remote farm north of Tsitsihar. Fortunately they had only one child, a daughter, who had already grown up and was a fledgling actress at Changchun Film Studio.
So Lin went to see Manna after lunch. He was relieved when she said the commissar was more like a scholar than a warrior. They were standing in the corridor of her dormitory, his hips against the windowsill. She seemed to be in a cheerful frame of mind and told him, “He’s rather avuncular, a very cultured man.”
“That’s good. I was so worried.”
“About what?”
“I was afraid he might take advantage of you.”
Behind him, a horsefly suddenly started rasping on the wire screen, struggling in vain to get outside.
“I’ll be right back.” Manna returned to her bedroom.
In no time she came back with a plastic flyswatter and a book. Slapping the horsefly twice, she killed it, the screen ringing feebly. She put the yellow swatter on the windowsill and said, “Lin, have you read Leaves of Grass?”
“No, I haven’t. Is it a novel?”
“No, a book of poems.”
“I’ve never heard of it. Why do you ask?”
She showed him the book. “Commissar Wei wants me to read it and report to him my understanding of it. I really don’t know how to do that. I read a few pages this morning, but the poems didn’t make sense to me.”
“You must take the report seriously.”
“Can you help me with it?”
“Well . . .”
“Please!”
He agreed to see what he could do and took the book back with him. That evening he looked through it. Then for three nights in a row he worked at the poems, which he enjoyed reading but couldn’t understand assuredly.
In the meantime, a kind of serenity settled in him. He was somewhat bemused by his peace of mind, wondering why he no longer felt angry with Commissar Wei and why he didn’t act like most men in love, who would try every means to keep their women. He remembered that two years ago there had been a murder case in an artillery regiment—a soldier blew up himself and his platoon commander with a grenade, because both of them had been running after the same girl, who was an announcer at a commune broadcasting station. After the murder, people had criticized the platoon leader instead of the soldier, who stood no chance against his rival; they said the officer ought to have expected the soldier’s violent act. Now, though Manna might part from Lin for good, why didn’t he feel any deep resentment? How come he was so benign and so largehearted? True, he was afraid of having to try to divorce his wife again. Yet normally he should have felt more reluctant to let Manna go, shouldn’t he?
His answer to the questions and doubts was that he was a better-educated man, reasonable and gentle, different from those animal-like men driven by lust and selfishness.
He read Leaves of Grass once more, still unable to understand it well enough to write about it. To him, this was a bizarre, wild book of poetry that had so many bold lines about sexuality that it could be interpreted either as obscenity or as praise of human vitality. Moreover, the celebration of the poet’s self seemed to verge on a kind of megalomania that ought to be condemned. But on the whole this must be a good, healthy book; otherwise the commissar wouldn’t have let Manna read it.
After considering several aspects of the poetry for another day, he decided to avoid dealing with the subjects of sexuality and self-celebration, and instead focus on the symbol of grass and on those poems praising the working class, particularly the one called “A Song for Occupations.” To his mind, Manna’s response to the book didn’t have to be long and comprehensive, but it should be thoughtful and to the point.
So he began to write the report at night. The part on the working class was not difficult, because there was a pattern to follow. He just listed what these brave and diligent people did in the poems and emphasized that workers and farmers were basically the same everywhere—whether they were Americans or Europeans or Chinese: they all loved working and had their own “strong and divine life.” But the symbol of grass was hard to elaborate, because he did not have a ready-prepared language for it and had to come up with his own ideas and sentences. He rewrote the passages about the symbol of grass three times. Finally he was satisfied with saying that the grass gathered the essence of heaven and earth, yin and yang, and the material and the spiritual, and that it unified the body and the soul, the living and the dead, celebrating the infinity and abundance of life. In brief, it was a very progressive symbol, charged with the proletarian spirit.
When he gave Manna the five pages he had ghostwritten, he told her to add something of her own. He also wanted to advise her to use good paper and write every word carefully in her best handwriting, but on second thought he refrained from saying anything, because she was not a little girl and understood the importance of this report.
Without delay she copied his essay verbatim in a six-page letter, and mailed it to Commissar Wei together with his book.
Then began the long wait.
Manna and Lin thought the commissar would answer the letter immediately, but three weeks passed and no word came from him. They were both anxious.
Meanwhile, Manna was aware that people began treating her differently. The hospital leaders became very considerate to her. Every now and then a nurse would fasten meaningful eyes on her, as if to say, “Lucky girl.” Once Manna overheard a young woman whisper to others behind her back, “I don’t see anything special in her.” As for the officers’ wives, one of them asked her, “When are you going to Harbin?” Another reminded her, “Don’t forget to send us wedding candies.” Some said about the commissar, “What a lucky old man.” A few repeated, “Poor Lin.”
On such an occasion Manna just kept silent, not knowing what to say. Their words unnerved her, because she had no idea how serious the commissar was about their relationship. Furthermore, even if he offered to marry her eventually, the marriage wouldn’t be an ideal one, not based on love or made in her heart. As she had often told Lin, she felt Commissar Wei was more like an uncle than a boyfriend. Probably he was too old to be able to give her a baby. At times she wondered whether she should ask Lin to father a child with her before she left Muji, but she was too ashamed to mention this idea to him. Besides, she was sure he would not do it. It would be too great a risk for her as well—if Commissar Wei found out she was already pregnant, he might have her sent back to the hospital or demobilized.
The week after she mailed the book report, Manna began to learn how to cycle, which would be an indispensable skill if she lived in Harbin in the future. Neither she nor Lin owned a bicycle. Fortunately Lin’s roommate Jin Tian had a Little Golden Dee
r, which stood idle in the bedroom because its owner had been away with a family planning team in the country for the summer. So they could use the bicycle, provided they didn’t do any damage to it. There was another problem: they could not practice cycling outside the hospital grounds. But within the compound, in the presence of their comrades, it would be embarrassing for Manna to ride a bicycle with Lin holding its carrier constantly so as to keep her in balance. Few adults were unable to pedal. Manna couldn’t only because she had grown up as an orphan, never having had an opportunity to learn.
She and Lin set about practicing on the sports ground at nightfall when they would be less visible. While she was pedaling unsteadily, he kept saying, “Look ahead. Don’t think of the wheel.”
“I can’t,” she cried.
“The wheel goes where your eyes go. Try to look at something faraway.”
“Like this?”
“Yes, that’s good.”
She wasn’t a slow learner. In just two hours, she could cycle zigzag by herself. But she could not get on or off the bicycle on her own, and he had to run to keep up with her all the time. Whenever she wanted to dismount, he had to bring the bicycle to a stop for her. Another trouble was that she often ran into objects she tried to avoid—once she hit the pole of the soccer goal, and another time a wooden box filled with dummy grenades. The drive chain slipped off several times; Lin managed to loop it back around the sprockets.
Though she was sweating copiously, Manna was having a wonderful time. She was so happy that at the end of the night she wanted to pedal back to the dormitory by herself.
Since it was already dark, Lin let her do that after telling her to be very careful. She cycled away on the dirt road while he followed, jogging and striding alternately. The night was smoky, full of the smell of charred wood. Moths and gnats were swarming around the street lamps, beyond which tree leaves had grown black. Manna turned her head and cried over her shoulder at Lin, “I can ride a bicycle now.”
The moment Manna made a right turn, a woman in dark civilian clothes appeared ahead of her, walking in the same direction, her left hand holding a basin against her waist. Manna wanted to keep as clear of her as possible. Yet coming close to her, somehow the bicycle intractably headed for the woman. Manna tried to turn away, but the handlebars seemed to have their own will. In a flash the front wheel hit the woman from behind and got in between her legs. Manna gripped both brake levers and the bicycle leaped with a screech; the pedestrian was tossed up a little and landed on the front fender. Manna let go of the brakes. The woman, astride the front wheel, was carried along on the bicycle for two or three seconds, as if she were an acrobat riding a unicycle. “Oh Mama!” she cried. Her hand was still clutching the yellow basin containing a bundle of laundry and a cake of soap.
Then the bicycle clattered to the ground.
“Are you hurt, Aunt?” Manna asked, having picked herself up.
The woman, remaining on her feet, grumbled, “My goodness, were you aiming for my behind?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
Suddenly Manna panicked as she recognized the woman was Director Su’s wife. She didn’t know what to say.
Lin arrived, saying between gasps, “Look at this, look at this! I told you not to ride . . .” He paused, as he too recognized the woman.
He said to Mrs. Su, “I’m terribly sorry. Are you injured?”
“I’m all right,” the woman said, still patting her buttocks. “She was so accurate, man. Caught me right between the legs.”
Despite trying hard to restrain herself, Manna burst out laughing. For a moment Mrs. Su and Lin were bewildered, then they both joined her in full-throated laughter. A bicycle whizzed by, its rider whistling loudly, and disappeared in the darkness with the bell still jingling. “Crazy dolt,” said Lin under his breath.
Mrs. Su found herself bareheaded, without the hat she had been wearing, her hair still wet from the bathhouse. Lin walked back a few steps and retrieved the hat for her. It was made of black velvet, a standard piece of headgear for a country woman. Once put back on her head, it turned Mrs. Su into a withered crone, since her dark hair had all disappeared from sight. Surprised, Lin looked down at her feet, which were large and manly, in a pair of army sneakers.
They accompanied her all the way to Director Su’s apartment, feeling lucky that Manna had not hit a different person. Mrs. Su complained that the bathhouse wouldn’t allow her seven-year-old son to bathe with her in the women’s area, and that as a result she had asked their neighbor to take the boy home. “What an odd rule. He’s just a little kid,” she muttered.
Though they were more careful the next evening, Manna rode into a weeping willow. A branch scraped her jaw and left a purple welt there. The bruise was so eye-catching that the following day many people knew what had happened; yet Manna didn’t care, eager to continue to practice until she could bicycle with confi-dence on the streets downtown. But the bruise caught the attention of the hospital leaders, who were alarmed. Manna Wu now was a girlfriend of Commissar Wei. If anything bad happened to her, the top officer might hold them responsible. So they ordered Manna and Lin to stop the practice sessions in case she might hurt herself more.
Finally the hospital leaders heard from Commissar Wei’s office. To their disappointment, the commissar had decided to discontinue his relationship with Manna. His aide explained on the phone that the leader had been impressed by her understanding and literary cultivation, but he was not satisfied with her handwriting. Commissar Wei had been a published author for twenty years, and at the moment he was preparing a book manuscript, so he needed someone whose handwriting was handsome to help him with secretarial work.
The truth was, as Ran Su heard afterward, that Commissar Wei had dated half a dozen women at the same time. After careful consideration, he had decided to marry a young lecturer in world history at Harbin University.
Lin was not very upset, although he regretted not having reminded Manna that she should be careful with her handwriting. To some extent he was pleased that she could remain with him again.
Instantly Manna became a new topic in the hospital. The word spread that because of her ugly handwriting she was jilted by the top officer. People began talking about her. What a useless woman she was. How come she had blown such a rare opportunity so carelessly? How could she let a caged bird fly away? Indeed, an old maid couldn’t hold a man. Even the jeep driver who had driven Manna to the hotel would say, “She wasted our gas.”
Manna was humiliated, though she knew she did not love the commissar. But what was more fearful than being surrounded by gossiping tongues? It seemed to her that most people were just eager to ridicule her, to get some fun out of her misfortune and suffering. She was so hurt she declared to Lin that he must never try to persuade her to look for another man. She said tearfully, “I won’t shame myself like that again!”
Now, for better or worse, she preferred to wait for him. Probably it was already too late not to wait. So with rekindled passion and a heavier heart she returned to Lin.
7
The following spring Lin fell ill. Tuberculosis was diagnosed and he was quarantined in the hospital. Every afternoon, at about two, his face would glow with pink patches and his temperature would go up. He often trembled during the day, weak in the limbs. When coughing, he sometimes brought up phlegm with traces of blood in it. At night, sweat often soaked his underclothes. Because he had lost over twenty pounds, his Adam’s apple stuck out and his cheekbones became prominent. He could not return to his home village that summer.
Since Shuyu was illiterate, he wrote to his brother-in-law Bensheng, saying he would not be coming home, having too much work to do in the hospital. He didn’t tell him the truth for fear of making his wife worry.
The Department of Infectious Diseases was at the northeastern corner of the hospital, behind a tall cypress hedge. It occupied two brick buildings, one of which was mainly for tuberculous patients and the other for those suff
ering from hepatitis. In the space between the two buildings stood a brick house with a massive chimney. That was the kitchen. The quarantined patients ate better food than those in the regular wards.
Manna often came to see Lin in the evening. Because Lin was a doctor, the nurses in charge of the tuberculosis building didn’t prevent him from going out. Lin and Manna would stroll around the sports ground, along a section of the brick wall that encircled the hospital, and sometimes by the guinea pigs’ house, the wire-fenced kennels, the tofu mill, and the vegetable fields that were irrigated in the evening by water pumped out from a deep well. Ever since he got sick, she had been more considerate and spent more time with him, though she was unhappy at heart because he couldn’t go home to divorce his wife this year. Meanwhile, most of the hospital leaders pretended they hadn’t seen Lin and Manna walking together in the evenings; as long as the two of them didn’t break the rules—staying within the compound and not making love—the leaders would leave them alone.
In early September the patient who had shared Lin’s room left, and another patient, who had been transferred from another hospital, moved in. Lin liked the new arrival a lot. He was an officer in a border division, of medium height and with the build of a weight lifter. According to the gossip among the nurses, this man was known as a Tiger General despite his lower rank of battalion commander. It was said that he had once made his troops run seven miles in an hour with their full equipment—as a result, a dozen soldiers had fainted from dehydration and been hospitalized. For some years he had held the divisional championships in both bayonet charge and machine-gun marksmanship. Then he contracted tuberculosis; his right lung had a hole the size of a peanut kernel, which had almost healed when he came to share the room with Lin. On the very first day he said to Lin, “Heaven knows why I landed here, a total wreck, no use to anybody.” He also told him that he was going to be discharged from the army soon.
The next evening Lin mentioned his new roommate to Manna.