by Beth Wiseman
As McKenna left the hardware store and walked to her car, she prayed for Noah and Rebecca. She prayed for her mother to get well. And she asked God to stay by her side. She hadn’t found the Lord until recently, and McKenna had a long way to go before she felt worthy of all God had to offer. But she planned to keep trying to better herself.
She started her car, glanced at the time on her dashboard, and headed toward the library. Seeing Paul was always the highlight of her day. She’d never felt like this about anyone before. And that was a problem because he was Amish.
CHAPTER 6
Noah rang up Doc Tyler’s order—two boxes of nails, some screws, and a few paintbrushes. The Englisch man was a regular and was always working on a new home improvement project. He was a retired psychiatrist, soft-spoken, and friendly. Doc Tyler had a long gray beard, and on the days he wore suspenders, he could almost be mistaken for an Amish man, except he parted what was left of his gray hair to the side.
Doc Tyler’s appearance and mannerisms reminded Noah of Bishop Lapp. But Noah didn’t think the retired psychiatrist or the bishop could get his mind right, even if they were all locked in a room together for hours. Noah’s faith and his mental state felt in jeopardy.
After the doctor left, Gavin rounded the corner carrying a box. He set it on the counter, then ran the sleeve of his shirt across his forehead. “That’s the last of the tiles. I just have to go stack them with the rest of the order.”
Noah nodded. “Ya, okay.” He slammed the cash register drawer, noticing it didn’t close the first time. It took two more tries before it finally clicked into place.
“I’m not sure what the cash register did to deserve that, but maybe your anger is directed somewhere else. Like at yourself?” Gavin raised an eyebrow as he folded his arms across his chest. “I know this breakup with Rebecca is eating you up. Why don’t you just go talk to her?”
Noah didn’t say anything.
“Penny told me you and McKenna talked. Dude, there isn’t a guy out there who hasn’t been influenced by a woman or made a knee-jerk decision that turned out to be a mistake. McKenna’s beautiful, so you were momentarily swept off your feet. But I know you’re still in love with Rebecca, so I don’t understand why you haven’t told her you made a huge mistake.”
“I do love her. I’ll always love her.” Noah kept his eyes cast down. “It’s just not that simple. I hurt her really bad.” He finally looked up at Gavin. “Maybe I don’t even deserve to be baptized.” Noah sighed. “I can’t imagine walking away from my community.”
Gavin shook his head. “None of us are deserving of God’s blessings, so don’t beat yourself up. But you’d get ousted, or shunned if you left, right?”
Noah shook his head as he sat down on the stool behind the counter, wishing the cashier would get back from lunch so he could avoid having to talk to anyone. “Nee, I wouldn’t get shunned because I haven’t been baptized yet. I could still see my family. But . . .” He took off his straw hat and scratched his head. “It’s a lifelong commitment to the church and to Rebecca.” He locked eyes with Gavin. “What if I change my mind in five years? What if I realize I made a mistake?”
“We all feel that way sometimes. I’m sure whenever I ask someone to marry me, I’ll be terrified of the same thing.”
“But you could get a divorce.”
Gavin scowled. “Believe it or not, my religion frowns on divorce too. And I would still feel like a failure in God’s eyes.”
Noah had never had a conversation with Gavin about anything to do with God or religion. “Do you go to church?”
“Yeah. A couple times a month.” Gavin grinned. “Just like you do.”
Noah smiled. Englisch people who grew up in Lancaster County, like Gavin, knew the Amish had worship service every other Sunday. “Ya, well, ours is three hours long.”
Chuckling, Gavin picked up the box of tiles. “I know. That’s reason enough not to be Amish.” He shook his head. “Seriously, though, you’ve been miserable since the party. Nothing happened, Noah. Maybe you thought you’d messed up and would just try to roll with it, but put it behind you. Get on with what your heart says. I think you should talk to Rebecca. If you live your life based on ‘what-ifs’—‘What if I get divorced? What if I fall out of love?’—and so on, you’re never going to be happy.”
Noah nodded. Gavin was right.
Rebecca eyed all the things she’d laid out on her bed to be boxed up. Her wedding dress, her silly lists of things to do before the wedding, her new prayer covering, and her new shoes. Tears trickled down her cheeks, and by the time she’d packed the last of her wedding items, she was sobbing.
“Becky, he isn’t worth your tears.”
Rebecca spun around, glowered at Paul, then swiped at her tears. “How would you know? Every time you get close to someone, you break off the relationship.”
Paul stepped across the threshold as his eyes hardened and his nostrils flared. “That doesn’t mean I’m not hurt when a relationship comes to an end.”
Rebecca turned back and eyed her box of wedding things, lowering her chin. “I’m sorry.” True or not, it was a hurtful thing to say.
Paul sat on the edge of her bed. “I think Noah is seeing someone else.”
Blood pounded in Rebecca’s temples as she considered the possibility. She shook her head. “Nee, not Noah. He would never cheat on me.” She took a deep breath to calm her racing heart.
“I’m not saying he was cheating on you. I’m saying maybe he broke up with you so he could see someone else.”
Rebecca brought a hand to her chest as she locked eyes with her brother. “Who?”
“You don’t know her.” Paul avoided her eyes. “She’s Englisch.”
As anger comingled with hurt, nasty bile grew in Rebecca’s throat until she thought she might choke. If ever she needed to force herself to stay calm, it was now. “I know lots of Englisch girls.”
“Not this one.” Paul stood and walked across the room toward the door.
“Wait a minute.” Rebecca took a few steps toward him. “Why do you think he’s seeing an Englisch girl?”
Paul looked down at his worn work boots, then back up at her, a sorrowful expression on his face. “At the hardware store, the reason I didn’t go in was because I saw Noah hugging an Englisch girl with long blond hair.”
Relief began to flood over Rebecca like water putting out a fire. “There’s nothing wrong with having an Englisch friend. Noah sees a lot of people at the hardware store.” She clenched her hands at her sides. “I can’t believe you let me get this upset over a hug.” She rolled her eyes and drew in a deep breath.
“It didn’t look like that kind of hug to me. He had his hand cupped behind her head, and he was holding her close.”
Rebecca focused on something in the distance as her bottom lip began to tremble, her hands still fisted at her sides as she took in the comment like a punch to her gut. “That’s the way he hugs me, with a hand on the back of my head.” She locked eyes with Paul as a tear slipped down her cheek.
“I’m sorry.” Paul looked away, blinking as if trying to hold back his own tears, and despite her despair, it touched her that her brother felt her hurt so deeply.
“I’ll be okay.” It was a lie, but she wanted to ease Paul’s suffering, and maybe if she repeated the words over and over again, they’d become true.
Paul hurried out of Rebecca’s room before his emotions bubbled to the surface in front of his sister. As he’d been doing since he first saw them, he wondered why McKenna had been embracing Noah. He thought he and McKenna had been making a real connection over their past months together. But there she’d been . . . connecting with Noah. Why?
He rubbed his face. Maybe McKenna was one of those women who wanted to marry an Amish guy. He’d seen it happen plenty of times, and it rarely worked out. Outsiders glamorized the Plain lifestyle, and then when they realized how much work was involved—the early hours, the harvest, giving up modern luxur
ies, and a host of other challenges—they chose to go back to the way of life they knew and understood. Perhaps McKenna thought she could beat the odds. And maybe Noah was her backup plan if things didn’t work out with Paul.
Still . . .
He pulled off his work boots, dropped his suspenders, and untucked his shirt. As he lay back on the bed staring at the ceiling, he wondered if he’d misread the situation with McKenna and Noah. If so, he’d upset Rebecca even more than she already was.
He scratched his chin, yawning even though it was early afternoon. How well did he really know McKenna? He mulled over all the things he’d learned about her during their conversations. She loved books. Obviously, since they met at the library. She adored animals but didn’t have any pets because her mother wouldn’t allow it. She was beautiful inside and out. She hadn’t talked about her mother much, just that her father died when she was young, and it had been her and her mom since then, living in the same small house just outside Bird-in-Hand where she was raised.
Most important, McKenna’s face always lit up when she saw Paul, and a strange feeling swept over him every time he was with her.
The more he thought about it, the more recollections came to mind. McKenna talked a lot about how much she admired the Amish way of life. She knew almost as much as Paul. Most Englischers here did. But she knew more than most.
She is looking for an Amish husband. Maybe as a way out of whatever secret she was keeping. Paul was sure there was something she wasn’t telling him about her life. Was it about Noah?
His head spun, and his heart hurt. He glanced at the small clock on his nightstand. The battery was going dead, so it stayed about ten minutes behind. McKenna would be at the library any minute.
He closed his eyes and thought about what could have been. If anyone knew the real reason he’d broken so many hearts in his community, they’d understand his dilemma. In any case, even if he’d been wrong about the hug, it was probably best that he stopped meeting McKenna.
McKenna waited at the library for over an hour, her head buried in a book even though she couldn’t focus on what she was reading. A pang in the pit of her stomach told her something was wrong. She’d been meeting Paul on the self-help aisle—which they laughed about—for weeks now. They’d both been looking for the Christian fiction section and bumped into each other, literally.
She looked at the time on her phone again. Paul didn’t have a cell phone, but he had her number. He could have found a phone and called to let her know he wouldn’t be here.
How could it be that I never asked his last name? She bounced every Amish surname she could think of around in her mind— Beiler, Lapp, Stoltzfus, Troyer, Hostetler, King, and others—trying to remember if he might have mentioned it.
After another hour she was sure he wasn’t coming, and her foot had fallen asleep as she sat on the floor against a shelf. She forced herself up, put the book in its place, and headed home.
It was Saturday, and Saturdays were always the worst for her mother. And for McKenna. That was the day Evan always showed up.
CHAPTER 7
McKenna pushed on her earbuds until she was sure they wouldn’t go any farther, then she turned up the music until she couldn’t hear her mother and Evan in the next room. McKenna hated Evan, and she’d told him so more than once.
She closed her eyes, tuned out the music for a few moments, and asked God for forgiveness. She was hurting herself more than Evan by hating him. But it was hard not to since he was killing her mother. They would be up all night, high on whatever stimulant Evan brought. Then they’d eventually wind down with pills. And then, before he disappeared, Evan would leave McKenna’s mom enough pills to get her through the week.
McKenna tried not to think about what went on in the next room. She tried to find things to do on Saturday nights, but the only thing going on tonight was another one of Penny’s parties, and McKenna wasn’t up for that.
She scrolled through new posts on Facebook. Some of the Amish kids who were in their rumschpringe had pages, so she looked for pictures of Paul that anyone might have shared, but after an hour, it seemed pointless. He’d obviously changed his mind about wanting to be her friend.
And yet . . . Her heart flipped in her chest as she worried something might have happened to him. She resumed her Facebook search after remembering Paul had often mentioned a sister named Becky. Maybe she had a page.
Rebecca had a sore throat Sunday morning. It wasn’t bad enough to miss worship service, but she made out like it was, exaggerating a cough that came up overnight. As curious as she was about the blond girl and Noah, she wasn’t ready to face her former fiancé. She’d likely burst out in tears at the sight of him. And he’d already told her he didn’t want to get married. She poured herself onto the couch and squeezed her eyes closed.
He doesn’t want to marry me. He doesn’t want to marry me.
No matter how many times she forced the truth into her mind, it just didn’t ring true. Something big had happened. And the only thing big enough to change his mind had to be that he wanted to be with someone else.
She kicked her bare feet up on the coffee table, something her mother didn’t allow. She thought she would enjoy having the house to herself, but it was giving her too much time in her head.
Will Noah talk to Paul at worship service? Will they avoid each other? Will Paul have information to share with me when he gets home?
Rebecca looked over her shoulder in surprise when she heard a car turning in the driveway. They weren’t expecting any Englisch visitors—most folks would presume everyone was at worship service. The car continued toward the house, though, and she hurried to find a scarf and did her best to tie her hair in a knot before she draped the beige cloth over her head.
When a blond Englisch girl came up the sidewalk, Rebecca put a hand to her chest, hoping to stop the pounding that was getting worse with each step the woman took. There were hundreds or thousands of pretty Englisch girls with long blond hair in Lancaster County. The odds were stacked in Rebecca’s favor that this wasn’t Noah’s girl, but her pulse raced just the same as she waited for the woman to knock.
She did, and Rebecca eased the door open.
“Are you Becky Fisher?”
Rebecca nodded, even though Paul was the only person who still called her Becky. The woman introduced herself as McKenna Young. She had stunning blue eyes, a flawless complexion, and just enough makeup on that it almost looked like she wasn’t wearing any. “Can I help you?”
“Do you have a brother named Paul?”
Rebecca gasped. “Did something happen to him?”
“No, no. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m a friend of his, and I got worried when he didn’t, um . . . show up at the library where we usually meet on Saturdays.”
Oh dear. So that’s where he goes on Saturdays. Now her brother had taken to breaking the hearts of Englisch women. He’d probably run out of Amish girls to date.
Rebecca motioned for the woman to step back so she could open the screen door. “Please, come in.” She closed the door behind her visitor. “That’s such a pretty name, McKenna.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry for this intrusion. I was just worried. Is Paul here?” McKenna bit her bottom lip, her eyes wide and inquiring.
“Nee, I’m sorry. He and mei parents are at worship service this morning.”
McKenna grunted, then frowned. “I always get the Sundays confused.”
Rebecca suspected the reason for McKenna’s visit, but this was a distraction from her own worries. “Do you want a cup of coffee?”
McKenna tucked her hair behind her ear on one side, revealing a gold looped earing. “I’d love some, if it’s not too much trouble.”
“Nee, not at all. I have some freshly made.”
As McKenna sat in a chair by the table, Rebecca poured them each a cup then sat across from her guest, prepared for the barrage of questions she knew was coming. How many Amish girls had sat at this t
able fishing for information about Paul? She was tired of covering for him and making excuses for his behavior when he abruptly stopped seeing someone.
“So, you said you’re a friend of Paul’s?” Rebecca grinned. “Or more than a friend?” Surely Paul wouldn’t venture into such dangerous territory—to date an Englischer. Even though Noah apparently had.
McKenna smiled, her eyes cast down as she circled the rim of her cup with her finger. “We’re good friends.” She looked up at Rebecca. “I felt like it was turning into more, but when he didn’t show up yesterday . . .” She lifted one shoulder, then lowered it slowly. “I don’t know what to think. He has my phone number.” Pausing, she shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “I mean, I know he doesn’t have a cell phone, but I thought he might borrow one or something.”
Rebecca was already feeling sorry for this stranger. Maybe it was because Rebecca was still grieving the loss of her own relationship. “I’m afraid this is what Paul does sometimes.”
McKenna’s bottom lip twitched. “What do you mean?”
“I’m afraid my brother is what you Englisch might call a ‘love ’em and leave ’em’ kind of man.” Rebecca took a sip of coffee. There was no way to ease this woman’s suffering, so getting to the point seemed best. If she had known Paul’s latest fling was coming over, she’d have put a box of tissues on the kitchen table, like she’d done in the past.
McKenna’s lip went from a twitch to a tremble. “He doesn’t seem like the type,” she said barely above a whisper as she stopped running her finger around the cup’s rim, her eyes locked with Rebecca’s as if she might not believe her. Or was she challenging her for more information?
“Paul is a wonderful man, and I love my brother very much, but he has a history of this. He just can’t seem to commit to anyone long term.”
McKenna blinked her eyes a few times. Please don’t cry. Rebecca would end up crying with her, and she’d done enough of that recently.