by Tia Siren
When they said goodbye in front of the halls of residence, Cara's world fell apart. He didn't say anything about next time. Was that normal after such a breathtaking kiss? Surely he wanted to see her again, but he hadn't asked. All he'd said was, see you. See you? What did that mean? See you tomorrow or see you sometime? Or see you never?
Cara tried to study, but it was hopeless. Was the way she felt now going to rest solely on what Shifty did or didn't say? She told herself to snap out of it, but she couldn't. That night she couldn't sleep and the next day she dreamed her way through the lectures.
''Hi, it's me. Shifty.'' He said it as if Cara had a thousand other men who it might have been.
''Hi. How are you?'' It's been a week. A week since you took me to a broom cupboard and kissed me.
''Sorry I haven't been in touch. My mom's had a car accident.''
''Is she okay?'' Cara was dismayed with herself. All the time thinking only of her own feelings, not stopping for a minute to think there may be another reason for his silence. The world doesn't revolve around you; she told herself.
''She's been at UCLA for a few days, but she's home now.''
*****
Santa Monica Beach was almost deserted, probably because it was Monday morning.
''I don't get on with my parents. They don't believe in what I'm trying to do. But when my Dad called to tell me Mom was in hospital, I was upset, really upset.''
''Did you go and see her?''
''A couple of times. The first time she was too ill to speak to me, the second time she told me the same old shit. I should go to college and get a good job.''
They walked along the beach, the wind blowing their hair backwards. Shifty took her hand, Cara's heart leaped.
''You know it's going to come good for you. You're really talented. Talent always wins out in the end,'' she said.
He stopped, cradled her face and kissed her. The wind howled between their heads as their lips lingered. ''Thank you. You're the only person in the world who has any faith in me.''
''That can't be true.''
''It is. Mom and Dad don't, and I don't have anybody else except you.''
''Well you certainly have me,'' she said, reaching up to kiss him again. ''I'm your biggest fan.''
It was mid afternoon when they got back to Cara's room. When they'd walked on the beach and had lunch in another seedy cafe, she'd known that this was the day when they'd make love. Her promise to herself that she'd never bring a man back to her room was long forgotten. She closed the door behind them and pushed him onto the bed. She closed the curtains and straddled his midriff.
''I'm a virgin,'' she said bluntly.
His expression didn't change. ''So?''
''I thought you'd be disappointed.''
''Why the hell would I be disappointed? Every man wants a virgin.''
''Do they?'' she asked, surprised.
''Come here,'' he said pulling her off him. They lay next to each other and kissed. It was the first time she'd ever felt a man's desire. It was pushing against her leg as they kissed deeper, faster. She was going to let him lead; she wondered if she should touch him there, but he would tell her when she was sure.
As they lay side by aide, she felt him pulling her blouse from her jeans, then his fingers at the buttons. She lay there and let him undress her. It was exciting, and she wanted to be his present: a present he was eager to unpack. With her blouse discarded, he turned his attention to her breasts. They were large, and the sight of them in her bra drove him to another level of excitement. Cara felt his manhood throbbing against her leg and wondered again whether she should touch him. She decided she should. When she touched him, he groaned. Thinking it was painful, she took her hand away. He put it back. She rubbed him as he unhooked her bra and took a nipple in his mouth. She felt the warmth between her legs growing and shoved her pelvis against him. He sucked more urgently and dropped his hands to her jeans.
Her thoughts turned to the hair between her legs and whether he would like it or not. Maybe she should have shaved. But she didn't know she was going to have sex today.
The top button snapped open, and she felt his hand sliding inside. She held her breath and waited for a cry of disgust as his hand found a thick mat of dark hair. But no cry came, just a gentle groan of satisfaction as his fingers discovered how ready she was.
''Okay?'' she asked nervously.
''More than okay. You're so sexy.''
She relaxed and let him slide the jeans over her legs. When he did, he was overcome by the sight of her long legs and rounded hips. Now he was in a hurry. He sat up, discarded his shirt and opened his jeans.
Cara didn't look at his tattoos. She'd do that later, now all she was interested in was his penis. His legs were long and slender and covered with a layer of blonde hair. It was the first time she'd seen a man with an erection and she reached inside his shorts and held him. She instinctively began to rub up and down. He pushed her hand away and took off the flimsy material. He was long and hard, and she loved the smooth feel of him. She also wondered what it would feel like inside her.
She didn't have to wait long. He lay on top of her pushed her legs open and guided himself inside her, as gently as he could.
''Ow,'' she said holding her hands up. ''Slowly.''
It hurt. Cara would love to have said that it felt perfect, but it hurt. She wanted to throw him off her, get him out of her, anything to relieve the pain. When he started to kiss her, though, she felt her body relax, and the pain gradually eased into a feeling of mild pleasure. He began to pushing in and out of her slowly, watching her face for the slightest sign of discomfort. But there were no more signs, the more they made love, the easier it got until it became unbearably pleasurable.
As the pace increased, so did the waves of desire emanating from her womanhood. She clung to him as he thrust into her, hard thrusts now, taking her breath away. She looked down and saw his shaft parting her, sending her to a place she'd never been.
When she came, he looked at her concerned something was wrong. She was gasping, fighting for breath uncontrollably. He stopped moving and was relieved to see her smiling back at him.
''Too much,'' she gasped. ''Too nice.'' His hair fell over his face. He kissed her again. His body was hard against hers and warm with the endeavor of pleasing her. She rubbed her hands over his back and down to his taught buttocks. She pulled him into her, urging him to make her come again. He did, this time, she wanted to scream. She put her mouth to his shoulder to stop herself. His gorgeous body wrapped around him, her legs across his back and her arms around his neck. He was hers now. She wanted to hold every piece of him. She dared to reach down and cup his balls. The feel of her hand on him brought him to ejaculation. She held him, planting kisses on his forehead as he grunted and slumped on top of her.
*****
During the next few days, Cara's feelings alternated between moments of intense sexual desire and moments of deep satisfaction as she and Shifty made love time after time. Eventually, she realized she ought to go to some lectures, and he decided he ought to do some practice. They parted for the first time after five days.
All the time she was in lectures she kept checking her cell for text messages, but none came. Maybe he just didn't text, she thought. Then a wave of anxiety spread over her. She'd told him she loved him, but he hadn't reciprocated. Why not? Maybe he was just using her to have sex.
When he called, she gave a huge sigh of relief. ''What do you mean you can't come round this evening?'' she asked.
''Someone is coming to hear me perform. Someone important.''
''Will you come round afterward?''
''No it'll be late.''
''Shifty I miss you.''
''It's only been about twelve hours,'' he said.
''Well if you don't miss me then fine. But I miss you.'' She was alarmed. He was already telling her excuses. She pictured him sitting in a bar with a string of young women hanging on his every word. She was his, they cou
ld piss off.
''Don't be like that Cara. You know I care for you. What were the last five days about? You're my babe, don't forget.''
''But you don't love me.''
''What? What do you mean?'' he asked a hint of impatience in his voice.
''Love. You haven't told me you love me.''
''Cara. I've only just gotten to know you. I have strong feelings for you. I want to let them develop in their own time.''
''There, I knew it. You don't love me.''
''Jesus Cara. I'll speak to you tomorrow.'' He hung up.
In the middle of the night, Cara woke to the sound of knocking.
''Who is it?'' she whispered.
''Me,'' Shifty said.
''She opened the door and pulled him inside.'' She'd already rehearsed what she wanted to say to him. ''Shifty I'm sorry. I was bitchy. It's just it's all so new, my feelings for you are so strong, I don't know how to control them.''
''Come here babe,'' he said. She put her face again his chest and her arms around his back. ''I do love you. You are so sexy.'' She gasped when his hand reached into her night dress and cupped her breast. ''Come on, I'm horny for you.''
This time was better than all the other times. He'd come back to her despite her jealous outburst. ''My rock star,'' she called him when he finished and lay on top of her, bathed in sweat.
The next day, he went to a lecture with her. As they sat in the lecture theater, he put his hand up her skirt and brought her to orgasm. Nobody noticed Cara's red complexion and her muffled gasps.
''You're a bastard Shifty. What did you think you were doing?''
''But you enjoyed it didn't you?''
''Yes, I loved it. I love you. You're so damn horny.''
''Horny for you babe. Come on it's practice time.''
They took a taxi to the warehouse, and Shifty spent an hour practicing scales and arpeggios while Cara read a book and occasionally looked up in wonder. When he was finished, he bent her over the front of the stage and took her from behind. ''I love you, Cara,'' he shouted when he came. It echoed around the stone building, causing a couple of pigeons to leave their perch and fly through a hole in the roof.
In the Fillpot, they cuddled up on a seat in the corner and drank hot chocolate. ''After today, I won't be able to see you for a few days.''
''Why?'' Cara asked.
''I'm going to New York.''
''What? But you didn't tell me.'' Too many women in New York, she thought. I don't like this. He's sure to fuck someone. He's far too good looking. Some slut will snare him.
''I told you someone came to hear me play the other evening. Well, she's invited me to New York to make a demo.''
''She?''
''Yes it's a woman.''
''What kind of woman?''
''A normal woman. She works for a record label.''
Cara's mind had information overload. Her lover was going to New York to see a woman. ''But you can't.''
''Can't what?''
''You can't go. I don't want you to go.''
Shifty brushed his hair back with his hand. ''And I don't want to go, babe. I don't want to leave you either. But I have to think of my career.''
''What career. You don't have a career. Why are you leaving me? Really? You're going to fuck her aren't you. I bet you fucked her the other night. I wondered why you were being so sweet. Guilt.''
Shifty pulled away from her. ''You're crazy. Totally crazy. You're one hell of a jealous bitch. If you think such things of me then I think we'd better call time on our relationship. I want you to leave. Please just fuck off.''
Cara gathered her coat and stormed out of the cafe. ''Bastard,'' she howled.
The next day Cara tried to call him eighteen times, but he didn't reply. She'd really frightened him. What would his life be like with such a jealous woman? He didn't want to be tied down to such a demanding person. He was angry with her. The first woman he'd really loved and she'd hurt him with her insane jealousy.
*****
''I know you don't want to do this interview. But you haven't told me why. I mean it's Shifty, the one and only Shifty. There's nobody hotter than him in the rock world at the moment. Aren't you a bit curious what he's like.'' Ted asked.
''I know what he's like. I dated him,'' Cara said.
''You what? You dated Shifty? When?''
''When I was in college.''
''Jesus, Cara, but he's mega rich and famous now. What happened? Wow, just imagine if you'd still been with him.''
''Thank you, Ted. Don't you think I've thought of that?'' Since the split with Shifty, she'd watched his career take off. Now, instead of playing to her alone, he played to stadiums with thousands of fans. She'd often thought about contacting him again, but she felt she'd made such a fool of herself, there was no way he'd want to talk to her.
''Now I understand why you don't want to interview him. Too many painful memories.''
''Yes. You've got it. Of all the damm interviews Josie could have given me, it had to be him.''
''Why did you split?'' Ted asked, then felt sorry he had done.
Ted was a good guy; he knew how to keep a secret, so she told him. ''Jealousy. I was very jealous. I couldn't handle it. He ran away from a jealous woman, and I don't blame him.''
''Shit.''
''I've been to therapy since. I think I've got it sorted now.''
Ted wondered if he should ask her on a date. There again maybe it wasn't such a good idea. They were colleagues. ''Well, I'm sure you'll find someone else one day.'' He picked up a pencil and twirled it around between his fingers. ''For what it's worth, I think you're fantastic.''
''Ted,'' she exclaimed. ''Thank you. Oh, that's so nice of you. I like you too, just not you know.......''
''Yes I know. Best friends is good, though.''
''Yes it is.''
Josie came into the office and glared at Cara. ''Are you still here? The Shifty interview, remember?''
*****
And who are you?'' the young press officer asked.
''Cara Miller.''
''And which company?'' she said impatiently
''Revolver Rock Magazine.''
''Well I hope you don't print a load of lies like you did last time,'' the press officer said.
''Sorry?'' Cara was lost.
''Some woman called Josie something or other. Interviewed Shifty and wrote a heap of lies about him. Rotten things concerning illicit affairs and such like.''
''Well I won't do that,'' Cara replied.
''I hope not. There are a couple of other journalists in front of you. The waiting room's over there. We'll call you when we're ready.''
''Thank you.''
Cara's heart was pounding. She'd purposely avoided anything to do with Shifty. When she'd got the job at Revolver, she'd just hoped she wouldn't have to cover his music. After all, there were many more musicians to choose from. She wondered how he would react when he saw her. Maybe he'd throw her out. The only thing she'd heard was that Shifty had become a bit of a bad boy. There had been stories of wrecked hotel rooms and smashed guitars, but she knew he wasn't like that. It was show. Some manager would be telling him to do that sort of thing.
''Hi. Mike Smithson from Time,'' the man next to her said. ''It's dreadful all this waiting, but I suppose he's the hot thing.''
''Yes. He's hot.'' She wanted to laugh at her comment, but he wouldn't have understood.
''He's a bit of a rogue isn't he?''
''A rogue?''
''Bad boy. Drugs, some talk of underage girls at his parties. Orgies. You know, rock star stuff. You know what I mean.''
''No I don't. Are you accusing him of having sex with young girls?''
''No, not exactly.''
''Well it's a hell of a thing to accuse somebody of. If I were you, I'd tone it down. I know Shifty, and there isn't a more honest man in the world.''
''How do you know him?'' he asked looking for a story.
''None of your business.''
&n
bsp; The press officer came into the room. ''Mr. Smithson, Shifty will see you know.''
''That's faster than I thought,'' he said.
When he'd gone, Cara began to think how awful the world was. People always trying to dish the dirt. Make up sensational stories just to sell a few copies of a newspaper or magazine.
Somewhere in the back of the hotel suite, she heard shouting. She listened more intently. It was Shifty, shouting at the top of his voice, telling the man from Time what an ass-hole he was, and how dare he suggest he invited underage kids to his parties?
''Well that didn't last long, did it?'' the press officer said. ''Now he wants to see you.''
''Does he know who I am?''
''Oh yes. He's been looking forward to seeing you all day.''
Cara wasn't at all sure she wanted to see him now. All the hurt she'd caused both of them. He should have been the one. The one she married, the one whose kids she bore, and the one she grew old with. Instead, she was alone without him, unable to celebrate his success with him. All she could do was watch from afar, and even that was too painful. Fuck Josie, why had she made her do it?
''Are you alright?'' the press officer asked when she noticed how deep in thought Cara was.
''Yes, fine. Show me the way.''
She followed the young woman who stopped outside a double door. ''He's in there,'' she said. '' I don't need to make any introductions.''
Shifty must have talked about her. She wondered what he'd said. Good or bad? Had he told her what a jealous cow she'd been? She hoped not, but if he had, she deserved it.
Cara opened the door slowly, her heart in her mouth. He was standing with his back to her looking out to the ocean below.
''Shifty,'' she said softly.
He turned to her. He looked tired. ''Cara. How are you?''
''Nervous.''
''Why?''
''Because I made such a fool of myself and I hurt us both.''
''Well, that's in the past. What do you want to ask me?'' He sat down in a comfortable chair and she in a director’s chair opposite. He obviously didn't want to talk about the past. She'd ask her questions and get the hell out.
''Thank you for seeing me.''