by Izzy Shows
I yawned, shook myself out a little bit, and got out of the car.
“Thanks for the ride, boys. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I waved at the car and then turned around and walked up to my house. I ran my hand along the solid wood of my door, then stopped for a moment to press my cheek against it and sigh with relief. I really had thought I wouldn’t see this house ever again. I took down the wards and let myself in—and promptly fell back on my arse, barely managing to keep myself from skidding down the steps.
In my lap was Fred, his arms wrapped tightly around my midsection.
“Hey, Fred,” I said, yawning again, because now that the crisis was over, my exhaustion was really starting to get to me. “I missed you too.”
“You is home! You is… You is HOME!” He squeezed me tightly until I started to choke, and then he let go.
“I am, in fact, home. And I’d like to fall asleep, if that’s OK with you. We can talk about everything after, OK?”
He nodded and squirmed off my lap, allowing me to stand up. I entered the house, shut the door behind me, and walked over to the couch.
Where I promptly passed out.
Fifteen
The room was well and truly dark when I awoke. I grumbled something and rolled to my side—and fell off the couch.
“Ah!” I squeaked out the sound, suddenly very much awake and aware of my surroundings. Why was I on the couch? I couldn’t remember having been in a big fight, and I usually only slept on the couch after a fight, when I was too tired to make it to my bed.
I frowned.
And then I remembered everything. The trip to the Order, the hearing, the five trials I’d gone through, and the ride back. Deciding to give it my all, to try to become a Wizard of the Order. Gods, I was sure that was a mistake, but there was nothing to do about it now but follow through. I didn’t want to let Diego down.
I didn’t want to disappoint Aidan’s memory.
My stomach made the most unladylike sound ever, and I realised that I was famished. The Order hadn’t fed me between any of the trials, which was inconsiderate of them. But I guessed it made sense, since it had been the middle of the night when I was dragged in, but then the day had been mostly done by the time I was sent home. You’d think they’d have given me breakfast or something, but no. Not at all.
I got to my feet and stumbled into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. I had no idea what time it was and whether I should be eating breakfast or not—I hoped not, because that would mean I was out of time and would be going back to the Order soon. No more midnight sessions; they were coming for me in the morning so I could get to work.
When my sandwich was ready, I carried it back out to the living room and checked the clock on the mantle—eight o’clock in the evening. Thank goodness, I hadn’t slept for too long, then. I had really needed the sleep, and I was sure once I had some food in my belly, I’d feel like my old self again.
And I was going to get all the sleep I needed when I went to bed tonight, I was determined, because I needed to be at my absolute best when it came to the rest of the trials. I didn’t know what they were, but I knew I needed to impress the High Council. If I didn’t impress them but still passed the Proving, they would abandon me to learn everything else on my own. I didn’t know what the process was to get from the Proving to being a Wizard, but I guessed there would be another exam, and if I didn’t have a mentor to prepare me for it, then I probably wouldn’t pass.
There was only so much learning I could do on my own. Diego had been right about that.
I kind of hoped that Diego would be my mentor; he had known Aidan, and he had seemed to be the least stuffy of all the Council members I had met. But if he was anything like Aidan, then he might not want an apprentice. Aidan certainly hadn’t seemed like he intended to take me under his wing, at least not at the beginning. I wasn’t sure I’d wanted it then, either.
I wanted it now.
“Hello, Miss,” Fred said, appearing out of nowhere at my side.
I shoved some of my sandwich into my mouth and munched it down, swallowing before I spoke. “Hey, Fred. I’m feeling a lot better. How did you do? I saw you got the wards back up after I was taken. That was well done. They wouldn’t let me do it.”
He beamed at me. “I knews you would wants that. Don’t want any dirty Wizards getting into the house, no, no. Had to keep all the things safe.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling at him before I took another bite out of the sandwich.
“Everything here was very borings, Miss Blair, but that is a good thing sometimes. How was the hearing? You has been named innocents, I can sees that.”
“Yep! Thanks to Emily, no less. I wasn’t allowed to bring her in myself, but she muscled her way into the hearing, and I intend to find out how she did that. Maybe not tonight, though. I don’t think I have enough time for that. But I’m going to find out about it, make no mistake about that.”
Fred was quiet for a second. “Emily has secrets too, Miss Blair.”
I frowned. “What secrets could a paladin possibly have? Although she did keep this from me. Do you know what the Seven are? Emily said she was one of the Seven, and that was really confusing. She’s never said anything like that before.”
“I is thinkings that is somethings that Miss Emily should be tellings you herselfs.”
I groaned. “Why can’t you just tell me?”
“Is not my place,” he said, fiddling with his fingers in his lap.
I took another bite of my sandwich and chewed it thoughtfully. Fred had never refused to tell me anything before, so it must be a very big secret. Maybe it was like the Order, and you weren’t supposed to tell outsiders about it. But that was bullshit, because I was going to tell Emily everything about the Order as soon as I saw her.
She hadn’t told me anything about the Seven. Maybe she didn’t think our friendship was as important as I thought. But she’d been so worried about me before I left. She’d spent the whole day with me. How could she not think it was important?
Maybe there were some things you just didn’t tell, no matter how important a person was to you.
The bite of sandwich in my mouth suddenly tasted like sawdust and was very difficult to swallow. Emily meant a lot to me, more than anyone else ever had. We’d fought together, and she was the kindest person I had ever met. She knew about the mark and had forgiven me before I even knew that she knew. She didn’t judge me for the things I’d done.
I had a lot of prejudices about Christians, mainly because of being raised Catholic by a bunch of hypocrites. But she was the epitome of what a Christian should be, and I’d never thought I’d meet a person like that. She had changed everything for me, challenged all my preconceived notions.
I didn’t want to think that I didn’t mean anything to her, but it was possible. I couldn’t say that would be an entirely new notion for me, that I meant nothing to someone. It was what I was used to.
“Miss Blair?”
“Hm?”
Fred had called me back to reality, back out of my thoughts, and I was grateful for that. They weren’t thoughts I wanted to linger on.
“What was happenings with the Order?”
“Oh. Right, we were talking about that,” I said. “Well, after the hearing was done and Emily cleared my name, they said I had to go through the Proving. Which is basically a bunch of trials to find out if I’m worthy to train with them. I didn’t care about it at first, but I’m going to do everything I can to show those stuck-up old men that I deserve to train.”
He nodded his giant head, playing with one ear idly. “And these trials? How is you goings to get through them?”
I sighed. “I don’t know, honestly. I don’t know what the other challenges are going to be, other than that they’re going to test my power and whether I’m going to turn Warlock at some point. I don’t see how they can test for that, and obviously, it’s not a perfect test because there are Warlocks in the world. If they knew who was going to
turn Warlock, I’m sure they’d kill those people, and then there wouldn’t ever be anyone turning Warlock.” I glared down at my sandwich. “Do you have any idea what they might be?”
He shook his head. “Aidan was never talkings about the Proving. I didn’t even knows what it was called before you said it.”
“I guess he actually followed the rules, then. We aren’t supposed to talk about it at all. The Order seems to be obsessed with keeping secrets, but I’m not officially a member yet, so what can they do to me? I mean, besides kill me. Hm. Didn’t think about that.”
Fred grinned and winked at me. “I is keeping your secrets, Miss Blair. Always.”
I reached out and patted him on the head. “Thanks, Fred. I know I can count on you.”
Could I count on Emily, though?
I shook the thought away and focused on what I was doing in the here and now. I had to make sure I was in the best shape possible for the Proving tomorrow, but I didn’t know what the trials were going to be, which made that a little difficult to do. My instinct was to practice spells, to challenge myself and make sure I was up for anything they might throw at me. That was a bad idea, though, and I could see that. I didn’t need to exhaust myself before a trial, because I might be able to do the spell at home but not at the Proving.
Rest and relaxation were clearly the answer, two of the hardest things for me to do.
I huffed out a breath and concentrated on eating my sandwich. It was almost the only thing I could do right now.
Sixteen
Unable to relax, I went down to the basement and worked out for a few hours. I pushed myself to the limit so I would be too exhausted to do anything but sleep when I went to bed. For me, that was relaxing: clearing my mind and focusing on nothing but my fists and feet connecting with the bag, pummelling it until it was a useless sack.
I unwound the tape from my hands and threw it on the picnic table, picked up the glass of water I’d brought down with me and gulped it down. Exhaustion was creeping into my body, slowing my movements as I walked through the basement and up the stairs. I could feel it calling me to bed, urging me to give myself the rest that I so dearly needed.
I still had enough energy to peel off my clothes and jump in the shower, though, so I wouldn’t go to bed drenched in sweat. The hot water poured down my body, washing away the sweat and dirt I’d built up over the day—and washing away the mental pain I’d gone through. I scrubbed myself down as quickly as possible and hopped out of the shower, towelled off, got dressed, and crawled into bed. I was sure I was going to have nightmares, just like I always did…
You didn’t have a nightmare when you slept at Mal’s house.
The thought intruded on my weary brain, and I shoved it to the side as quickly as I could. I didn’t want to think about that, about the comfort I’d found sleeping on Mal’s couch. What had happened to drive the nightmares away? Why had he watched as I slept, instead of waking me up and sending me on my way?
Why was he being such a prick right now, treating me like crap and pushing me away? I wanted to find out, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to ask him what was going on without it seeming like… Like I cared.
Of course I cared. How could I not? But I didn’t want him to know that, didn’t want to give him any kind of power in our friendship—if we even still had a friendship. I didn’t know where we stood right now, as painful as that was to admit. I felt like I didn’t know anything right now.
Emily was keeping secrets from me, and Mal was pushing me away. They were two people who had intrinsically understood who and what I was and had accepted all sides of me without question. Finn and Shawn, dear to me though they were, couldn’t possibly understand. Not really. They could try, but because they weren’t a part of the magical world, they would always be looking at me through a window, and would never be on the same side I was.
I didn’t know how to move on without Emily or Mal, which was ludicrous to even think about, because I had always been on my own, had always operated as a lone agent, never needing anyone. Everything had changed for me when my magic was revealed, and I didn’t know that I liked that. Having people in my life was nice, but it would clearly open me up to a world of hurt if anything happened to change that.
I should go back to my old ways. Remove these people from my life before they got too chummy. Move on before they could hurt me.
Taking in a deep breath, I chided myself for letting those thoughts in and snuggled closer to my pillow. It was time to go to sleep, not to think about all of this.
“What do you think he’s up to right now, without you?”
The brand spoke to me, and I was suddenly aware of it burning into my skin like a poker pressed there. I cringed, rubbing against it as if that would alleviate some of the pain.
“Go away.”
“You don’t want me to, or I wouldn’t be able to speak to you. You control the connection, not me. You want to know what he’s up to. Go to him.”
Was it right? Did I want this connection? Had I opened the gates by thinking about Mal? But that was ludicrous. The mark spoke to me at the worst possible times, always interrupting my thoughts when I didn’t need the distraction. It interfered; it didn’t help. I couldn’t be in control of the connection.
“Don’t you want to know what he’s up to? You want to know why he’s pushing you away. Go find out.”
“I can’t just go over to his flat, you idiot.”
“And why not? You’ve been there several times now. Would it be so strange for you to show up on his doorstep? Certainly, he would welcome you with open arms if you were to change your mind.”
“That’s never going to happen. Go away.”
I clenched my eyes shut and willed the mark to go away, but it kept burning against my skin. Pulsing.
It felt like I was being summoned. I wasn’t going to be able to get any sleep if it kept this up, and if this continued into tomorrow, I was going to be a wreck at the Proving. Maybe it would be best to get this out of the way. Maybe Mal could get rid of it, or at least help me find a way.
At the very least, he could ease the call of the mark as he had done before, so it wouldn’t disturb me so much. All it took was a touch of his skin to the brand and it would quiet down, and that would allow me to focus on the Proving. I really needed to be able to focus tomorrow, and the last thing I wanted was for the brand to get too talkative and have the High Council find out about it.
I got out of bed, my mind made up.
I was going to Mal’s.
Seventeen
My hands were shaking as they gripped the steering wheel of my car, parked outside Mal’s building. I had a feeling in my gut that this wasn’t going to go well, but I didn’t see any other options in front of me. The brand was still white-hot, pulsing against my skin; if anything, it had got worse, the closer I got to Mal’s. As if it knew its master was getting closer and closer.
I let out an unsteady breath and ran a hand through my still-damp hair. The last time I’d been here, Mal and I had just brought Lilith back from her escape attempt, and he’d almost kissed me. Almost. He’d refused to do it unless I told him I wanted it, and the truth had been burning inside me, too bright to ignore. Impossible to deny. I had wanted his kiss with every fibre of my being, but I had known it was a bad idea and had told him as much.
Then, like a coward, I had bolted. I hadn’t thought, at the time, that it would change anything between us, but I guessed Mal wasn’t taking the rejection very well. Things weren’t back to normal between the two of us; they had got infinitely worse.
I forced myself out of the car and kicked the door shut because that was the only way to get it to click. I stared up at the massive building he lived in and swallowed the lump in my throat—no sense wasting time being nervous. I had decided to do this, so I had to follow through.
“Please don’t hate me,” I said aloud, the words barely more than a whisper. I couldn’t stand the idea of Mal hating
me, but I supposed it was only fair. I couldn’t expect him to ignore the feelings he had for me any more than he could expect me to change who I was. And I wasn’t capable of giving in to the feelings I knew I had for him.
With shaky legs, I walked into the building and decided to take the stairs up to his flat. With the way my emotions were racing all over the place, I was likely to blow the lift as soon as I stepped into it. The stairs took forever, but that gave me the time I needed to get myself in order.
The stairs ended at a locked door—technically, this was more of a fire escape than a way up to his flat. It was the penthouse, which meant you were only supposed to get up there if you took the lift and had a key or someone buzzed you up, but they had to have a way out in case of a fire. Someone would have to let me in unless I wanted to blow the door off its hinges, and I didn’t think that would make the best impression.
I took a calming breath, and then I heard the pulsing music on the other side of the door. Frowning, I knocked as loudly as I could, the sound ringing through the stairwell. Hopefully, someone on the other side of the door would be able to hear me.
It took ages, but finally the door swung open, and a scantily clad woman was standing on the other side. Behind her were numerous men and women in various stages of undress—some of them fully naked. A handful of them were making out, most of them were dancing, and in the centre of the room was Mal, seated on his couch. He hadn’t spied me yet; he was busy staring at a woman stripping in front of him, a drink in his hand. He didn’t look particularly pleased with what was going on, which was a little surprising.
Actually, the whole thing was surprising. I didn’t quite know why it was—he was Fallen, a demon of the highest degree, so why was it surprising to find him delving into the pleasures of the flesh? This was probably a regular thing for him, something I hadn’t known about him, but it didn’t seem like something he would do.