by S. E Foster
“That’s it fight me bitch you’re not the prize but you’re a damn good consolation.” His grip tightens around my throat as the blade bites into my skin. I know that thrashing against him is making it worse, but I won’t stop fighting, I can’t, that’s not who I am. “You don’t like it do you? Just wait until I sink my cock so deep inside, you will scream for me and I will relish in every minute.” Another slice of the blade cuts my body, his grip never wavers. How am I supposed to survive this? I don’t want to.
“Cami, are you ok?” Faith’s words pull me from my flashback. Not sure what to say, the silent tears cascade down my cheeks and on to the top of Charlie’s hair.
“I will be, it’s just being back here… the pain comes flooding back,” I say to her, what more can I really say, it’s the truth.
“So now you have had your morning tea, can we talk?” It’s nice knowing that after all this time – months and months of being apart – she remembers that I am useless without my tea. I just nod my head to let her know that we can talk, not sure if anything will be resolved or if she will understand, but it would be nice to get rid of the pain of blaming Faith for all of this. I know deep down it’s not her fault but I can’t help but feel that it is. I want to move past it, I just want my friend back.
“So when did you marry, Malc?” Trust Faith to just jump straight in, not slowly lead up to the questions.
“When I was pregnant,” I say and I know my answer is not what she wants to hear. She wants details but I can’t give it all yet, she has to understand first.
“Why did you not tell me, Cami? One call just to say, hey I’m pregnant and I am marrying Malc.” I hear the hurt in her voice that she did not know.
“I did not want to burden you with it all, Faith. You would have made me stick around to try, and I couldn’t do it.” At the time I was shattered. Malc had threatened to cut me off at the time – not give me my fix if I refused to marry him. What was I supposed to do? I was in love with him but I could not face the happily every after. I did not deserve it. My body was a mess, my mind was shattered and I was carrying a part of Malc, which gave me hope, but also threatened to destroy my mind.
“You would not have burdened me, Cami, you’re my best friend. I wanted to be there for you, to help you get over everything that had happened to you.” Her words cut me deep, how can she say that to me after everything I did, I only went to her wedding because Malc made me go. He was the only one at the time that could get through the fog.
“I was angry with everyone at the time, Faith. Malc was the only one I needed to help me through it. He was my lifeline.” I don’t mean the words to hurt, but I can see it in her eyes that they have.
“I would have been there if you’d have let me, Cami. I wanted to be there.” She looks to Charlie sat on my lap, a look of pure love for him in her eyes.
“Tell my about Anya,” I say to her. “Malc told me about her. I am sorry I never came to see her, but if I did you would have seen my bump and you would have been more concerned with me than yourself.” She thinks I don’t know her, but I do. She would help out anyone, even if that meant putting herself aside.
“She is just like her dad, a demanding little thing that is spoilt rotten.” She giggles at her words, but you can see how much she means to her. The love for that little girl flows through every ounce of her body.
“Now, stop avoiding me and talk about this handsome little boy.” See now that is something that is going to be hard as he is one half of a whole, but I will try to be honest, no more secrets.
“This is Charlie. He is nearly five months old and looks like his dad. I can’t get over how alike they are, it’s uncanny,” I say to her trying to make my voice sound as upbeat as I can, it’s not that talking about Charlie is not good but it makes me sad that I can’t talk about Andrew like this.
“He is beautiful, Cami, you and Malc must be so proud of him?” I cast my eyes down; knowing what I am going to say next will break her heart.
“I am so proud, I just wish his brother was still with us,” I tell her, I notice her go still at my words and I know what question is going to come next.
“What brother? Did you miscarry recently, is that why Malc brought you here?”
“No, that’s not why he brought me here, Faith. Andrew died in his dad’s arms not long after he was born, he is Charlie’s twin.” Now I can’t stop the tears from falling freely as I look at the crestfallen look on her face.
“Oh God, Cami, I didn’t know. I am so sorry, is that why you ran away?”
“I did not run away like a coward, I went where all this shit could not follow us. I wanted to deal with the death of my son, somewhere Jake would not haunt my every waking thought, Faith. I left my husband and my dead son’s grave so that I did not have to watch this life take someone else who I loved. It already claimed you and I wouldn’t do it. I won’t be part of this life.” I start to shout at her, trying to rein my temper in as Charlie starts to get upset on my knee. I get up with him and hold him close, walk to where his pram is located at the other side of the kitchen and place him inside, pushing him back towards the table, sitting back on my seat, feeling a little better that I’m not holding little man anymore. They say that babies can pick up on your emotions and the last thing I want is to feed him my emotional distress.
“You think this life has taken me, but you are wrong, Cami. I stay because I love my man and would not be without him. I did not give up at the first hurdle and that’s where we differ. I stay and fight for what I want, I don’t run and hide with my tail between my legs like you. Camilla, you are a coward. Yes, you had a shit time and that is partially my fault, you have friends and family here that would have helped you through it.” The words she utters break my heart, I am not a coward I did what I thought was right, didn’t I? I can’t keep questioning myself, how was I supposed to stay and fight when I could hardly fight for myself. The only person who got me through everything was Charlie, without having him depending on me I would still be reeling from everything going on. The black hole in my heart started to heal the second I looked into my boy’s eyes, and I dealt with the loss of Andrew. I kept waking up every morning and looking into Charlie’s eyes knowing he needed me. He needed me to fight, he needed my love, he needed my strength, and so every morning for months I pushed myself to get up and feed him, change him, love him, even though my heart was numb for the loss of Andrew. I can’t say I’m over the loss of my son, I don’t think any mother that loses their child ever recovers from having their heart fractured, but time will help to numb it, so that you can think about them, relive the precious moments that you spent with them. You have to live for them, honour their memory, and love them until you meet again. I am under no illusions that when my time on earth is done, I will get my time with Andrew.
“It is not as easy as you make out, Faith. You don’t have a constant reminder painted all across your body, I do. I hate that he has been in this house, slept in a bed here, under everyone’s noses and we were none the wiser to his plans. I can’t risk anyone ever getting to us like that again. I won’t be used as a pawn again, and my child will not be a pawn to power trip games or revenge.”
“It’s not like that and you know it. Do you think we would let it happen again? I have my own child to think about now and Anya’s safety is paramount to me and Damien; we have the best guards surrounding her. Anton now vets everybody that comes into this house, we won’t risk anyone again.” She seems so sure it won’t happen again, but how can she be sure, as long as she is in this life, she will be in danger. She may have chosen this but Anya sure as hell hasn’t.
“You can’t stop everyone, Faith, as long as you’re in this life the dark will always find its way.” I need to stop this conversation now before it pisses me off completely, I need to get Charlie ready, I want out of this place.
“You may be right, but Damien won’t let anything happen to us again.” With her words I see that she loves him completely and
trusts him implicitly. I just hope that if that day ever comes it will be enough. Time to try and fix this mess – we are never going to see eye to eye on this topic.
“Look let’s just move past this, I don’t want to fight anymore, Faith. I want to get to know Anya and I want you to know Charlie,” I say, hoping that it’s enough for her to drop it; my eyes plead with her to let it rest.
“You’re right, let’s go and spend some time getting to know the kids, and take them to the park or something?” Faith freely offering to go outside with no hesitation, damn I have missed a lot. At one point I had to drag her out and even then it was only to see a therapist, even then it was straight home, Damien has at least brought her back to life. I just hope someone can help me.
“That sounds great. Let’s get them ready and then we can go.” The sooner I get out of this house the better, I don’t care if it’s to the park or a hotel, I want out.
I take Charlie upstairs to get him washed and dressed. Opening the door, I see that the bed is empty and I feel a pang of disappointment hit me when I see that he has gone, but after all the shouting, I’m not surprised that he was woken up. I don’t hear the shower running so he is definitely not in the bathroom or bedroom. I grab some clothes for little man out of his bags and lay him down on the bed, making quick work of changing and dressing him. I place him back in the cot so that I can grab a quick shower and a change of clothes.
The hallway is empty when I make my way downstairs; I get the baby strapped into his pram, all ready to leave for the park.
“Where are you going, Camilla?” I hear the deep tones of Malc’s voice and whip my head around. He looks stunning, stood there in a navy suit with a crisp white shirt on and the top buttons slightly undone, teasing me with a glimpse of his defined chest.
“Faith and I are going to take the children to the park and have a catch up.” There is no point telling him about our words this morning, I don’t want to cause friction between anyone.
“Are you going to be ok doing that?” I see the concern in his eyes and it melts my heart that little bit more knowing that he is so concerned about us.
“I will be fine, Malc, it’s only up the road and I need to get out of this house. I am not running.” I reassure him as best I can, I know he will think I am running after last night and we are yet to talk about it, we can’t fall into the old ways, we can’t. He needs more, but at the moment I am not sure I can give it. Just as he is about to speak Faith comes to the door with the most stunning little girl I have ever seen. She has her dad’s dark hair but she has Faith’s emerald eyes and they are the brightest green I have ever seen. Malc just nods at me and walks away, leaving Faith and me to get on our way.
“He never has been a chatty one,” Faith says as we head out of the door, but I know different. I know the man behind the façade.
“He is to me,” is all I say as we head out of the door and make our way to the park.
NINE
Malc
I gave in to her. All day it has been pissing me off, I let her see me weak last night but I refuse to let her see the emotion she has drawn from me.
I caved last night and gave her what she needed. I hate that feeling I get when I do it, but the way her body pleads with me, the way her eyes bore into my soul, begging me to give her what she craves. And I’m the puppet, bowing to its master, having its strings pulled. When it’s over I crave the intimacy that follows but last night I could not make myself do it, I turned over and tried my hardest to fall asleep without her in my arms. I know what I need and at the moment she is still not ready to give it to me, but with time she will be mine. Heart, body and soul.
Camilla and Faith have taken the kids to the park. I heard them arguing this morning, I was dying to go in and say something but this was a battle I could not help her with. She had to get it out in the open so that she can get over her issues with Faith and move on.
In the office Damien is sat behind his desk, my father and Alekzander are sat on the spare chairs; I take my place standing at Damien’s side and I wonder what is on the agenda for today. Since coming back from Russia and Scotland I have not done any real work and I am itching to sink my teeth back into some hard work.
“Right, we have a couple of things to deal with today. The new shipment of guns is in, and we have about three people who are behind on their payments that need a little nudge. Malc, you want to sort that out? Take the kid with you. Anton you’re with me.” Damien’s orders are clear, no slacking off anymore; it’s costing him money.
“Come on, Alek, we will take the SUV, we have a couple of people to go and see.” Of course, his Russian accent is much stronger than my dad’s, he pronounces every word with great care. The Russian words he speaks flow from his mouth effortlessly, but when he is speaking English you can see how he sometimes struggles to find the right words, or he will miss certain joining words.
We head out of the office to the garage to get the SUV, the impressive lineup of cars is vast. I walk over to the black SUV and open the door – the keys are inside each vehicle because there is no need to lock them up; security is too good for anyone to slip past unnoticed.
“Check the email on my phone and tell me the first address of who we need to go and see.” He does not reply, just nods at me, pulls out my phone, checks the emails and tells me where we are heading. The rest of the journey into London is quiet.
Pulling up to the first warehouse, I notice nothing suspicious as we go through the door and head to the office. No point stalling, we have a few people to go and see today.
“Ahh, Mr.… sorry your name has slipped my mind, to what do I owe the pleasure?” His weak British voice goes through me, nothing worse than a man pretending to be something he is not. The middle aged bald man sat behind the desk, overloaded in chunky gold, trying to elevate a false sense of status. I don’t buy it. I can see the phoniness of it just looking at him, the sweat that is forming on his bald head, the flicking of his eyes between me and Alek, trying to size us up. Well, he won’t have to guess too much longer.
“We are here on behalf of Damien Volkov. It seems you are behind on your payment this month.” I watch his face pale as realisation sets in that we are not here to conduct business with him, only to collect and serve a warning that he can’t be late again.
“Oh… I… we have been slow this month. I did not have the funds to make the full payment.” His voice trembles with his words, this is what I have been missing, the power that comes with my position. I don’t have to report back to Damien with what needs to be done because he knows that I will get this guy to pay, if not he will be the next example.
“I see,” I say, trying to forgo interest in his words, when really I don’t give a rat’s arse; I’m going to seriously enjoy this. To work out the tension that has been building at home, the desire to cause pain, my blackened heart craves the pain too much.
“Now, what leg would you like broken?” I give him the option; see, I’m good like that, at least they will know it is coming.
“No need for that. I have the money here, see.” I look down as he opens the top drawer of his desk and pulls out a huge stack of notes. See this is what pisses me off; he had the money all along. He just wanted to see if we would do anything about it if he didn’t pay up on time. You would think that they would learn but they never do.
“Now you have just pissed off a rattlesnake more. You think it is funny to withhold funds that you owe?” I look to Alek; his eyes seem to sparkle at the sight of the money just sat in a pile on the table. “Alek, take the payment,” I demand, he steps forward to tentatively take the money from the top of the desk. Now to show this clown that he can’t be late again. I walk behind the desk and grab the scruff of his very tacky vinyl suit, you can see how plastic it looks, the brown suit looks more like someone has vomited all over him. Pulling his overweight body up out of his chair is easy for someone of my size. I sneer at him when he is fully standing, his lip trembles a little at my st
are.
“You won’t be missing anymore payment I presume?” He just nods profusely at my words, trying his hardest to get his breathing under control, hoping that this is the end of what I am going to do to him, little does he know.
“Lesson time,” I bellow at him as I bring my foot up and slam it hard down on his left kneecap. The sickening crunch and the scream of pain that leaves his mouth is enough to know that I have hit my mark. I release my hold and watch with a satisfied smile on my face as he drops to the floor, trying and failing to clutch the injured knee. Without another word I turn and leave, the look of horror across Alek’s face is priceless, but he is going to have to learn how to mask his emotions if he is going to be in the family business.
It is six pm by the time we get back to the house. We have managed to collect all of what Damien is owed with only a few broken bones. A sense of calm comes over me as it sinks in that I am going to see my girl and my boy, my lips curve slightly into a small smile as we drive up to the garage. The house is quiet when we make our way back inside and we head straight to the office so I can put the cash in the safe. I hold out my hand when we get into the office and Alek pulls out the money and places it in my hand. He looks slightly reluctant to let it go – his eyes never leaving the cash – but I put it down to it being a long day and send him on his way. Damien and I are the only ones who know the combination to the safe, and I want to keep it that way.