by Jo Cattell
She sighed and kissed him deeply, as his thumb retrace its pattern across her now raised nipple. Her body tingled, wanting so much more. She moved her hand down to his hip, pressing him closer to her and feeling for the first time his hardness for her. She felt clumsy and stupid, not knowing what to do next.
He was lifting her shirt; the heat from his lips grazed her neck, slowly kissing downward.
She could feel herself start to panic. It was going too far. When his lips brushed past her nipple, Chloe jumped and pushed him away. “Not yet,” she said breathlessly, still wanting more but afraid of where it would lead.
Nick kissed her lightly and pulled her shirt back down. He looked into her eyes and saw the uncertainty there. When she took his hand, he smiled at her. He’d kept his promise.
“Are you mad?” she asked as they laid in silence.
“At what?” he asked. “Because you wanted to stop?”
“Yeah, I mean I know that it was just starting to get good for you. But—”
“Chloe, if you’re not ready for things to go further, then I’m fine with that. Would I have liked a little more? Yeah, I’m not going to lie, but I can wait until you are ready. I’m not going to pressure you into something you don’t want to do. I’m not Josh.”
“I know you aren’t. I’m nervous and feel so stupid because I have no clue of what to do. I mean, are you sure you really want to stay with me? I’m not strong like Tiffany, or bubbly like Gabbie, or even adventurous like Tabitha. And I’m nowhere anything like Kelly. Let’s face it. You’re really going to have your work cut out for you with me.” She tried to smile, but it was true. The truth was that she really wished she could be more like them, but with how sheltered she was, she was a far cry.
“You’re not stupid. And I do want to stay with you. And Tiffany is way too much of a snob, Tabitha’s adventures would get me kicked out of school, and where Gabbie is bubbly, I can only take so much of her. As for Kelly, I really don’t want someone like her. Kelly was a really big mistake for me. I don’t want you to ever think you have to compare yourself to them,” he explained as he laced their fingers.
“I can’t compare to them. I’m nothing like them. I’m not beautiful like Tiffany or Tabitha, I don’t have a body like Gabbie’s, and I don’t know what Kelly looked like, but you said she was hot. I’m none of those things. The only thing I have going is that I’m smart.” She was trying to figure out what it was he saw in her.
Nick shook his head. “No one has ever told you that you’re beautiful?”
“You said I am pretty, and Josh told me I am hot. I don’t see that,” she answered and tried to think if anyone else ever said it.
Nick got out of bed and pulled her up. He made her stand in front of her mirror. “What do you see?” he asked her.
“You.” She smiled
“Besides me.” He laughed.
“I see someone who is plain, and lost, who is clueless when it comes to relationships—someone who’s afraid you’re wasting your time, because it may be already too late to try and change me. Someone who is really weak and will try everything to get out of going in that room today. A scared someone, because you may want to walk away once you realize this.” She was being honest. She was terrified he’d come to mean something to her and she didn’t want to lose him because she was such a mental case.
Nick put his arms around her waist and looked at her in the mirror. “Do you want to know what I see?” he asked quietly.
She nodded, laying her arms on his.
“I see someone who is more beautiful than Tiffany or Tabitha, who has an unbelievable body, nicer than Gabbie’s, and is sweeter and more caring than Kelly could ever be. The only way I want to change you, is so that you can see that you are strong and beautiful, and to be honest, I don’t care that you are clueless when it comes to relationships. You’ll learn to do what is natural. Chloe, I don’t like you because of those things. I like you because when I’m with you, nothing else matters. We will get through today, even if I have to bring you in and take you out of that room a million times.” He kissed her cheek.
“Can we go back to sleep first? It’s still pretty early and the idea of falling asleep in your arms sounds really good right now,” she suggested, seeing the tired look in his eyes, too.
“Yes! Sleep, then we have to get to work.” He laughed and pulled her back with him on the bed.
* * * *
The ringing of his phone woke him up. He didn’t remember where he was for a minute until he saw Chloe sleeping next to him. “Yeah,” Nick answered, trying to focus on who it was.
“What time did you leave the house this morning?” his mother angrily raged and he knew he was in for it.
“I don’t know, about five?” He tried to focus on what time it was then.
“Nicholas, why on earth would you do that? You couldn’t wait a few more hours for all of us to go? Why does it sound like your asleep?”
“Because we were talking and watching TV, and we both fell asleep. I don’t know. Are you on your way now?” He had to get her off the line. If she had any clue as to where he was at that moment, he would be dead where he sat.
“No, we won’t be there until this afternoon. Does your father need to have a talk with you about morals?”
“No, Dad doesn’t need to have a talk with me. I’ll see you when you get here.” He closed the phone and threw it down.
“Who was that?” Chloe yawned.
“My mom,” he said rubbing his eyes. “They’ll be here later.”
“It’s almost ten. We should get started. Let me get changed and I will be right there.”
* * * *
A little while later, Chloe stood at the door, not sure if she could open it. She dreaded it, but if she kept putting it off, it would never get done. Slowly, she raised her hand and reached towards the knob, then moved it away quickly, as if it were hot.
Nick put his arms around her. “You can do this. I won’t leave your side,” he said, encouraging her.
She took a deep breath and slowly turned the knob.
The room was dark except for what little light could come through the closed shade. You could see the dust dancing around in the sunlight, disturbed by the breeze the opening of the door made.
Hesitating, she turned on the light and, for the first time in years, saw the room the way it’d been just before her mother died. There were a few boxes scattered around the room, and the bed was still covered by the quilted blanket her mother always used. It felt cold and still, like the ghost of her mother was there, waiting, and knowing the changes that were about to come.
Chloe stood still, unable to go through the threshold. She wanted to remember the way the room had been, always warm and inviting. She wanted to take a mental picture of the room, but the last memory was keeping that from happening. Her mother had never slept in the master bedroom; that was his room. This was hers.
Simple with decorations just, like she ‘d been. The walls were soft lavender, accented with pictures of Chloe as a child. On her bureau was her jewelry box, which Shelly had already gone through. The only things left were a silver comb and brush set, which had been tarnished. Above the bed hung an old, white, porcelain cross, grown dingy with the dust that covered it. The only thing on the bed was a wilted rose, dried and withering away. Was that how her mother looked now after all this time?
“Where do you want to start?” Nick’s voice broke the spell of the harsh realization of her mother’s demise.
He would probably never realize how much she needed that. “I guess the closet. That would be the easiest. We can pack the clothes into the boxes and mark them for donation,” Chloe suggested and went to the door. She opened the closet and, within seconds of seeing her mother’s clothes, it hit her at once. Slowly, she ran her hand along the garments that hung there and thoughts of her mother flooded her mind.
She came to a sweater that her mother always wore. She took it off the hanger and smelled it. T
here was a faint smell of lavender; her mother’s sent. It always calmed her and she wore it often towards the end. “I can still smell her,” she said softly as she hugged the garment to her.
Nick touched her shoulder and watched as she clung to the sweater.
“I think I want to keep this. I know it was one of her favorites. The rest can go,” Chloe said and started packing the clothes.
“Where do you want me to start?” he asked her softly. He wanted to give her time to pack up the boxes but wanted to stay close.
“Start taking down the pictures. Just don’t put them on the bed,” she instructed him. Nothing was to go on the bed.
When the closet was emptied, Chloe found a box in the back. She sat on the floor and opened it. Inside were numerous envelopes, four of which bore her name and were entitled, My Dearest Chloe’, Your Graduation, Your Wedding, and the last one read, The birth of Your First Child. There were also letters from her father to her mother, pictures and things from when Chloe was a baby. There were letters to people she didn’t know, and a picture of Chloe and a man at the playground who she didn’t remember. She took out the envelope with her name on it and started to read:
My Dearest Chloe,
If you are reading this, then I have left you. I can only imagine what you are going through as you go through my things and now have found this box. Oh, Baby Girl, please know I didn’t want to leave you. You are the reason I fought to stay so long. You will never know the love I have for you until you have your own children. I pray that I passed in peace. I prayed every day that I just pass in my sleep and I hope that is what happened.
Know I’m not suffering anymore and that I am by your side every day. My hope is that your father had a change of heart and took care of you. If he didn’t, or something happened to him as well, please know that I did everything for you. You will find things in this box that will explain a lot and I hope that whatever has happened between you and your father, you will understand better.
Know that I loved you with all my heart. The best day of my life was the day you were born. I made you so many promises that day and I have failed in the promise that I would always be there for you. Know that when you are sad, and if you feel a soft breeze, it is me, touching your cheek. When you’re happy and the rain is falling, I am crying with joy. And when you are alone, and feel as if you have no one, I am by your side, wishing I could hold you and comfort you, like I always had. I never wanted to leave you, my Chloe girl. I wanted to be there for everything in your life. That is why I wrote you letters for special days. Please open them then. Just to feel that I am still with you.
As the days are getting harder for me, my body begging to fade and fail, I pray you have the strength you need to help you though all of this. Remember the good times, like baking cookies or singing silly songs in the car. Remember dancing in the rain and spinning until we fell. Don’t remember the sad. Be glad we had the time we did and I hope that someday, when you tell your children about me, it will be about our silly songs and our rain dances.
Follow your dreams, Baby Girl, and I will always be there for you. I love you so very much and I will miss your sweet smile, but it will be with me as I watch you grow.
Love,
Mommy
Chloe read the letter over again and, when she finished, held it to her chest and started to cry. It was her final good-bye to her.
When Nick saw her crying, he went to her and knelt on the floor.
With her hands shaking, she handed him the letter.
After he read the heartfelt words her mother had left her with, Nick sat on the floor with her and held her.
Chloe picked up the box and started going through it. “She said there are things in here that would explain a lot. The question is; do I really want to know the truth?”
“It may explain a lot but it also may leave more questions. Do you think you can handle that right now?” He didn’t want her to be too overwhelmed with everything she had to do.
“I don’t really know,” was all she could say as she leafed through them.
“Maybe we should take a break,” he suggested.
“No, not yet. I want to get some more done,” she answered. She could think better when it was all done.
They spent most of the morning and early afternoon packing up the boxes. The only thing that remained to do was remove the furniture and the boxes down to the garage.
Nick stood at her mother’s bed and waited for Chloe to tell him what to do. She went into her room and came back with a small box. He watched her carefully pick up the fragile dried rose and place the pieces in the box. It broke and fell to pieces back onto the bed. When she’d gotten it all in the box, she placed it on the nightstand. “After she died, they had to get rid of her mattress. Once the new one came, I made the bed up and put that rose on it, where she was.” Chloe laid her hand on the pillow where the rose had been.
“We’re going to have to take the bed apart. Where do you want to put the quilt?”
“I’m going to wash it and put it on my bed. I won’t let them take it. Everything else can go tomorrow. I have what I want.” She got up and lay back on the bed, laying her head on the pillow. She stroked the pillow as she thought of her mother and those three days she ‘d been alone with her body.
Nick crawled over next to her and spooned her body next to his. He stroked her hair and held her. “I’m here. I won’t leave,” he whispered to her.
His family arrived a short time later to help with the rest of the moving.
It’d taken them three hours to move everything to the garage, and as the last piece of furniture was moved out of the room, and the curtains were taken down, Chloe stood in the doorway. The only thing left were the impressions in the rug from where everything had been. She dusted the walls and cleaned the windows, even wiped down the baseboards. The ‘shrine’ as Shelly had called it, was gone now.
Nick walked up to Chloe and stood behind her, putting his arms around her waist. “Hey,” he said and rested his chin on her shoulder.
“Hey.” She laid her arms on top of his.
“There are still a few things that you need to decide what to do with. Are you sure you want everything to go? There are a lot of your mom’s things that you might want to hold on to.” He wanted to be sure she really wanted to let the stuff go.
“It’s sad that this is what we will eventually amount to in life. An empty room that once held all our worldly positions, left to be discarded and forgotten. Our memories fade into nothingness, except for a few letters that proved we once existed. I forget sometimes what she looked like, before she got sick. Maybe it will be good to have life in this room again.” It was sad to give it up, but this was their house and she just existed in it. When she was gone, there truly would be nothing left.
“Come downstairs with me. We can finish up and then be done for the night,” he said, seeing she was having a hard time pulling away from the room.
She turned around and put her arms around his neck. She pulled him to her, almost pulling him off balance. Slowly, she started to kiss him. Her hot tears fell down her cheeks as her breathing grew heavy.
He cradled her head in his hands and his lips brushed her cheek.
She closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder. “Close the door,” she almost begged.
He did and she went into her bathroom for few minutes.
After she composed herself, Nick took her downstairs. They went to the garage and Chloe stared at how packed it was.
“What do you want to do with all of your paintings? You can’t just want to let them go,” Mrs. Allen said.
“You can have any of them you want. I did them to pass the time.” Chloe looked them over and really didn’t see the point in keeping them.
“Sweetie, you looked drained. Why don’t you come home with us tonight?” Mrs. Allen suggested. “After everything you’ve gotten done with your mother’s room, you need a break.
“Thank you so
much for the offer, but I don’t know what time they’re coming tomorrow for her stuff. I should be here in case it is early,” Chloe said softly.
Nick guessed that she probably wanted to be alone to read through the letters she’d found. “I could stay with her. When they come, I can help them get everything moved into the truck,” he suggested, jumping at the chance to spend the night with her again.
“If you want, Mom, Kevin and I can stay, too, and this way, we can get everything loaded up and taken care of then head home,” Mark added.
“I think that may be a better idea, Nicholas. Chloe, is that all right with you? I would feel better if someone was with you. And they can get that stuff moved out faster. Then, why don’t you come to our house and stay the weekend?” Mrs. Allen said as she put her arm around Chloe’s shoulder.
“It’s fine, but really I would be okay.” Chloe was surprised that Nick’s mother was worried about her.
“Well, I would feel better if you did. It’s settled. Mark, why don’t you come home with me and get your brothers something to change into since we are all kind of dusty right now? And, Kevin, you and Nick stay here and keep Chloe company. Sweetie, I’ll see you tomorrow, and if you need anything tonight, please call. If they start making trouble, call me, too. I will send their father over to straighten them out.” She looked at both Kevin and Nick with the usual warning eyes.
* * * *
Chloe was sitting on her bed Indian style, the box of letters in front of her. Her mother’s quilt had been neatly folded and was lying at the end of her bed.
Nick came in and stared at her. “Hey, I thought you were going to wait to do this,” he said.
Chloe put down the letter she’d been reading and tried to smile. “I wanted to just start reading through some of the letters. She wrote a lot to someone named Kenny, who she called KC, and then there’s a letter to him that is sealed like she meant to mail it. I just started reading one from my father. It is hard to believe that this is the same man who left her to die.” She handed him the letter to read.