by Amelia Autin
* * *
In her room Nicki heard her father’s voice raised in anger, and froze. Her insides began to shake as she remembered another angry voice from long ago. Anger directed at her. She tried to block it out, but the voices from the kitchen blended in with the memory, making it impossible.
Nicki covered her ears and whimpered. Why was Daddy yelling at Rennie? Daddy never got angry. Why now?
* * *
The kitchen reverberated with fury barely held in check, the fury of a man betrayed. Gideon scarcely knew what he was saying anymore, the words pouring from him in a molten stream.
“I blamed myself for Jo’s death. Did you know that? All this time I blamed myself because I promised I’d take her on that visit to California, and I didn’t go. For two years I’ve lived with guilt that should have been yours.”
“Don’t, Gideon.” Raw pain laced her words. “Please don’t.”
He steeled himself against the inexplicable softening inside him. “You’re going to hear. At the time, the police said that they couldn’t tell who was responsible. I believed it then. I don’t now. Did your stepbrother buy them off?”
“No! That wasn’t what happened!”
The kitchen door opened a crack. Neither Rennie nor Gideon noticed.
“Then why did you come here, unless guilt brought you?”
“I did feel guilty, but I—”
He pounced on her confession. “Wasn’t it enough that you took Johanna’s life? Did you have to take everything that was hers—her children, her home, her husband?”
“It wasn’t like that!”
“No? Then tell me. What was it like? Tell me, Francesca.” Violence hovered on the edge of his control.
“Don’t call me that!”
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s your name. Francesca. Whitney.” Gideon spat the words at her, and they fueled his anger. He shook her. Hard. “Damn you! Was it all lies? Was it?”
“No!”
He couldn’t bear it. He thrust her away from him and swung around, his chest heaving, his hands fisted in impotent rage. Fresh pain welled up inside him, pushing him beyond reason. Rennie. Johanna. The women he loved. One was dead and the other never existed except in his mind. Francesca Whitney had robbed him of both.
Gideon turned to confront Rennie again, and he came closer to hitting a woman in that moment than he’d ever thought possible. Words became his fists. “How could you lie to me and then sleep in my arms? How could you?” Rennie flinched as if he’d struck her. Gideon didn’t give her a chance to answer before hammering the next blow home. “And how could you steal my children’s love after killing their mother?”
“No, Daddy! No! It wasn’t Rennie, it was me!” Gideon and Rennie both whirled as Nicki stumbled into the kitchen, tears streaming down her face. “I did it,” she said, her voice cracking from disuse. “I killed Mama.”
Gideon stood rooted to the floor, shocked into immobility. Nicki was talking! God, he’d prayed for it so long he’d almost given up hope. But what was she saying? Her words didn’t make sense.
But Rennie understood instantly. She flew to Nicki and enfolded her in her arms. “No, honey, no. You didn’t kill her. It was an accident.”
Nicki clung to Rennie, sobbing. “It was my fault.” Nicki’s knees buckled and she sagged against Rennie. The dead weight was too much for Rennie, but she refused to let Nicki go, and the two of them sank to the floor.
The girl burrowed into Rennie’s embrace, and Rennie pressed the blond head against her breast, rocking, soothing, cradling the shaking body. “Shh, Nicki. It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Nicki’s torrent of grief continued unabated, and tears trickled down Rennie’s face. Her eyes flashed to Gideon in mute appeal. The look freed him and he moved swiftly. Kneeling beside them, he lifted Nicki into his arms and she turned to him with a wild cry.
“Daddy!”
She buried her face against his shoulder, her tears soaking his shirt. Gideon held his daughter so desperately tight he was afraid he might hurt her. But there was no way he would let her go.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” The anguished words were muffled.
“It’s okay, Nicki, whatever it is.”
“Don’t...hate me.”
Gideon’s heart cracked wide open. “Oh, baby, I could never hate you. Not for anything.”
“I did it.” She sniffed and wiped her face against Gideon’s shirt. More tears oozed from her swollen eyes. “I didn’t mean to, but I did.”
Gideon’s face was wet, too.
“What, baby? What did you do?”
Nicki hiccuped. “Trina and I were fighting in the back seat. Mama told me to stop, but I didn’t.” She sniffed again. “I said something mean to Trina and she started crying. Mama turned around to yell at me and the car swerved.” She caught her breath on a sob. “And then...”
“It’s okay, Nicki.” He kissed her forehead and his arms tightened around her. “It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.” Gideon’s gaze met Rennie’s over his daughter’s head, tears in his eyes, as he rasped, “I still love you.”
Was he saying it to Nicki or to Rennie? Not even Gideon knew.
A noise from the doorway made them all turn their heads. Caleb stood there with Andrew in one arm and Trina beside him. Andrew’s mouth was puckered as if he were about to cry, and Trina wasn’t much better.
“I found them in the hall,” Caleb said softly, looking down at Gideon. “I think you scared them.”
“Wemmy.” Andrew squirmed and pushed against his uncle’s chest until Caleb lowered him to the floor. He ran to Rennie and threw his arms around her.
She held him tight, wondering if this was the last time she’d ever hold him, this child who’d stolen her heart with just a smile. Would she ever see him smile again?
Her eyes squeezed shut, then opened to find Gideon’s gaze locked on her. She averted her face and cleared her throat. “I think we could all use something cold to drink, don’t you think so, Andrew?” He nodded solemnly. “Trina? Nicki?” A chorus of hesitant yeses answered her. She rocked back on her heels and stood up, Andrew still in her arms. She glanced at Caleb. “There’s glass all over the floor in here that I have to clean up. Will you take the children to the front porch for me? I’ll make some lemonade and bring it out.”
“Sure. No problem.” Caleb lifted Andrew and perched him against his shoulder, then took Trina’s hand. “Are you coming, Nicki?”
Nicki looked at her father with hope and fear. “Daddy?” Her voice broke in the middle.
He hugged her once more, kissed her tenderly, then set her on her feet and stood up himself. “Go with Uncle Caleb, baby. I’m not angry with you. I promise.”
“Are you coming out soon?”
“Yeah.” He gave her an encouraging smile. “I have to talk to Rennie, but I’ll be there in a minute.”
Still shaking, Nicki stood her ground. “You aren’t going to yell at Rennie again, are you?” Fresh tears threatened. “I don’t want you to yell at Rennie.”
“No, baby.” He could barely swallow past the lump in his throat as his little girl defended the woman she’d come to love against all odds. “I’m not going to yell at Rennie anymore. Now, go with Uncle Caleb.”
Silence filled the kitchen after they left. Rennie avoided looking at Gideon, knowing she just couldn’t take any more right now. At some point she’d have to face him, but not at this moment.
She skirted the worst of the mess on the floor and took down a plastic pitcher, then held it under the water tap.
“Rennie.”
“Not now, Gideon. Please.”
“We have to talk.”
She struggled for composure. “I know. Just...not now, okay?”
He didn’t say anything, and Rennie quickly measured sugar and lemon juice into the pitcher of water, stirred it, then added ice cubes from the freezer. She brought out a serving tray and set four glasses on it, then added a fifth glass for Gideon and
stared at it. Last times. So many last times to remember. Was this another?
All at once she knew she couldn’t go out there and pretend everything was all right. Everything wasn’t all right and never would be again.
“Could you...” Her voice was clogged with unshed tears. “Could you take this tray out for me? I have to pick up the glass and mop the floor.”
“You go. I’ll take care of the glass.”
“No.” She turned and faced him, even though it broke her heart to do so. “Nicki needs you now. She needs to believe that you forgive her.”
He took a step toward her, his hand outstretched, but she whirled around, so close to breaking that she had to grab on to the edge of the sink to keep from falling. “Please, Gideon. Please. Just go.”
His hand dropped to his side. He didn’t understand why her rejection ripped through him, or why the sight of her distress aroused his protective instincts. He didn’t understand why it still mattered.
With a muttered oath he did as she asked, grabbing the tray so roughly the glasses rattled dangerously, then stalking from the kitchen. The kitchen door swung back and forth several times before settling into place.
Rennie stood there for a moment, pale and motionless, all her dreams shattered like the pitcher she’d dropped.
* * *
The sun had long since set and the children were already in bed with lights out when Gideon came inside to check on them. He went from Andrew’s room to Trina’s, and found them both fast asleep, then entered Nicki’s room. She was quiet, and he thought she was sleeping, too, but when he tucked the covers more securely around her, she turned over.
“Daddy?”
“Shh. It’s late,” he whispered, stroking her hair soothingly. “You should be asleep.”
He’d spent most of the afternoon with Nicki. Although she hadn’t said it in so many words, he’d figured out that all this time his daughter had been afraid to speak, afraid she’d cause someone else’s death that way. Nicki had talked until her voice was hoarse and strained, but he let her keep going, knowing she needed to unburden her soul. And though he knew it would be a long time before she stopped blaming herself for her mother’s death, he thought she’d taken the first steps on the road to recovery.
“What’s going to happen now, Daddy?”
He sat down on the edge of her bed. “What do you mean?”
“Is Rennie going away?” Gideon didn’t answer because he couldn’t. Then Nicki said, “I used to wish she’d go away, you know.”
“I know, baby,” he said huskily.
“But now I don’t. I don’t want her to leave. Are you still mad at her?”
He swallowed hard. “I don’t know, Nicki,” he said honestly. “I just don’t know.” He leaned over and brushed his lips against her forehead. “Get some sleep now. We’ll talk about it in the morning.”
Gideon stood up and walked out, closing the door softly behind him. He stood in the hall for a moment, listening to the silence all around him, then sighed and headed for the front door.
When he stepped out onto the porch he was wound up tighter than a watch spring, and he leaned one hip against the railing, longing for a cigarette. But instead of going down to the bunkhouse and bumming one from his foreman, he crossed his arms and stared into the cloudless night sky.
Caleb was long gone. He’d left as planned, after dinner, a somber dinner that Rennie had prepared but that the two brothers had shared with only the children. But before he’d left, Caleb had taken him aside for a moment, and now Gideon finally had the time to mull over his twin’s parting words.
“It’s none of my business,” Caleb had said brusquely. “I know that. But I’m going to butt in, anyway.”
When Gideon didn’t respond, Caleb said, “I don’t know why she came here. But I know why she stayed. That woman loves you. No matter what she might have done in the past, she loves you.”
“Did she tell you that?”
Caleb’s voice roughened. “She didn’t have to. A blind man could see it.”
As the scene replayed itself in his mind, Gideon considered the possibility that Caleb was right. But where did that leave them? Now that the sharp pain of Rennie’s betrayal had dulled somewhat, he didn’t know where to go from here. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He knew he should feel angry, hurt and betrayed, but somehow that wasn’t what he was feeling at all.
But she lied to you, he reminded himself.
Yes, but she loved me, too. That part wasn’t a lie. And she loved the children. That wasn’t a lie either.
But she killed Johanna.
No, I can’t blame her for that. Not after what Nicki said. Rennie was really the innocent party. And she’s paid dearly for someone else’s mistake.
Gideon shifted position and looked out at the vast expanse of stars above him. It reminded him that Rennie had once described Wyoming’s night sky to him, and he searched his memory for her exact words. Diamonds on blue velvet. That’s what she’d said. And she’d said something else, too, something about the stars making her realize how insignificant their problems were in the grand scheme of things.
The grand scheme of things.
If Rennie hadn’t come here, if Nicki hadn’t grown to love her, if none of this had ever happened, would Nicki have regained the use of her voice? Or would she have lived on in silence forever? God only knows.
And only God knows how I’ll survive without Rennie.
The thought came to him out of nowhere, and all at once he knew. He didn’t want a life without her. It didn’t matter anymore how or why she had come to them. The only thing that mattered was that she was inextricably woven into the fabric of all their lives. He couldn’t tear her out of his heart or his life without destroying everyone’s happiness, including his own.
With that conclusion the tension drained slowly out of him, and he relaxed. He had his answer now.
* * *
In the shadows beyond the reaches of the yard light, Rennie watched Gideon walk out onto the front porch and lean against the railing. Even from this distance she could see the rigid way he held himself, could feel the tension radiating from him. She longed to comfort him, to ease his pain, but knew she had forfeited the right.
So instead of going to him, she turned away and slipped into the barn to say goodbye to Sweetwater, not knowing if she would have the chance later. She fed the mare a carrot and told her how beautiful she was, then she buried her face in the horse’s mane and wept.
Afterward she mopped her eyes with her shirttail, then tucked her shirt back in and ran her hand over Sweetwater’s nose one last time.
“I’ll miss you, girl,” she said. “You’ll never know how much. But I can’t take you with me. Even if I could, you wouldn’t want to go. You’d be miserable in Los Angeles. You’ll be much happier here, just as I was.” She choked on the last words. “Just as I was,” she whispered once more. Tears threatened again, but she suppressed them. “Goodbye, girl.”
As silently as she had entered the barn, she left it.
* * *
Suddenly Gideon knew he was no longer alone. A movement in the shadows alerted him, but he’d sensed her even before that.
“Rennie.” His voice was deep and low.
She crossed the barnyard and came to stand at the foot of the porch steps. In the eerie combination of light cast by the moon overhead and the yard light, he saw that she’d been crying. Her eyes were swollen, but her softly rounded face was set in determined lines.
“We have to talk,” she said.
“Yeah.” He stood up straight and looked down at her. “We do.”
She seemed composed, almost too composed, as if she’d somehow blocked out all emotion, and not at all like herself. “I’d like for you to listen to me first, without saying anything,” she said quietly. “Then, when I’m done, I’ll listen to anything you have to say. Can we do that?”
“I think so.”
“Good.” She rubbed her hands
over her bare arms, nervous, but intent. She drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, as if unsure where to start.
Finally she said, “When I came here in answer to your ad, I’d only recently learned about Johanna’s...death. You see, I had no memory of the accident, and I was in a coma for almost a year afterward. When I came out of the coma I was facing a long, difficult period of physical therapy if I ever wanted to walk again. And of course, I’d sustained those internal injuries you already know about. Because of the latter, I was in such a state of depression that Jess decided to keep me in the dark about Johanna. He’s very rich and...powerful, and used to having his own way. And he’s always been very protective of me. I think you can understand that.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, as I said, I’d just found out about Johanna, and the news devastated me. I couldn’t leave things as they were. I felt responsible. So I hired a private investigator to find out about her family.”
“And that’s how you saw my ad?”
“Yes. I don’t know if I really intended to go through with it, but I came out here with the idea of applying for the job as a way of making restitution. Afterward, after I’d done it, Jess told me I was crazy to think it could work.” She smiled sadly.
“Anyway, when I drove onto the Rocking L I felt like I’d come home. I began to believe I really could do this. And then I met you.”
“Rennie—”
“No, please let me finish first.” He nodded reluctantly and she continued.
“I think I knew when I met you that you were different from anyone I’d ever known. It wasn’t love at first sight, but I was attracted to you, and it scared me, especially under the circumstances. But you offered me something more than just the chance to make it up to Johanna Lowell’s family. You offered me things I desperately needed then—a place to call home, and children who needed me. I never lied to you about that, Gideon. I hope you can believe me.”
“I do.”
Her brief smile never reached her eyes. “I’m glad,” she said simply. Then the smile faded. “I tried not to think about Johanna, tried not to think about what would happen if you found out who I was. I just tried to make you happy. And then I fell in love with you.