by Ian Black
This is the creepy scary one.
Every word is true.
A young girl returned from a night out with her friends in Rutherglen and she didn’t want to disturb her sleeping sister, so she crept into the room and found her way in the darkness, undressed and slid into bed. The next morning when she awoke and turned to say something to her sister, she saw her mangled body on the blood-soaked bed. Written in her sister’s blood on the wall were the words: “AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN’T TURN ON THE LIGHT?”
A young girl was babysitting, the children were in bed and she was watching TV when the phone rang. All the voice on the other end did was laugh. She listened for a minute then hung up. A few minutes later it happened again, she was very upset and called the police who told her there was really nothing they could do, but they’d trace the call if it happened again. After she got another call from the laughing voice, she hung up and the police immediately rang her and told her to get out of the house immediately, the calls were coming from the other phone upstairs, where he’d already murdered the children.
A man and woman went to Glasgow for their honeymoon, and checked into a room at a hotel. When they got to their room they both noticed a bad smell. The husband called down to reception and asked to speak to the manager. He explained that the room smelled very bad and they would like another room. The manager apologized and told the man that they were all booked because of a game at Hampden. He offered to send them to a restaurant of their choice for lunch, compliments of the hotel, and said he was going to send a maid up to their room to clean and to try and get rid of the stink.
After a nice lunch the couple went back to their room. When they walked in they could both still smell the same smell. Again the husband called reception and told the manager that the room still niffed really badly.
The manager told the man that they would try and find a room at another hotel. He called every big hotel in the city, but each was sold out because of the game. The manager told the couple that they couldn’t find them a room anywhere, but they would try and clean the room again. The couple wanted to see a bit of Glasgow and do a little shopping anyway, so they said they would give them two hours to clean up and then they would be back.
When the couple had left, the manager and all of the cleaning staff went to the room to try and find what was making the room smell. They searched the entire room and found nothing, so the maids changed the sheets, changed the towels, took down the curtains and put new ones up, cleaned the carpet and cleaned the room again using the strongest cleaning stuff they had.
The couple came back two hours later to find the room still had a bad smell. The husband was so angry at this point, as this was on its way to wrecking his honeymoon, so he decided to find whatever this smell was himself and started tearing the entire room apart.
He pulled the mattress off the bed and under it he found the dead body of a woman.
It only takes one dead body under the mattress to spoil your whole honeymoon, eh?
How do I know that this one isn’t true?
Who would honeymoon in Glasgow?
A young girl was left alone at home for the first time with only her dog to protect her, when she heard a bulletin on the radio about an inmate who had escaped from the nearby asylum. She immediately locked all the doors and went to bed. A dripping sound from the bathroom made it difficult to fall asleep and she reached down under her bed to make sure her faithful dog was by her side. He replied by licking her hand enthusiastically. The next morning when she woke up and went to the bathroom, she found her dog hanging from the shower nozzle, blood dripping from his torn throat. On the mirror, written in blood, were the words: “People can lick, too!”
One day a scrap metal worker fell feet-first into the crusher. His legs were pulped and his torso was hopelessly stuck. The paramedics said that if they pulled him out it would kill him, and if they left him there he’d die soon. They gave him some painkillers and his mates rang his wife. The woman ran to her husband, they exchanged a few words and a kiss, and then called for the machine to be turned back on.
An atheist who was training for the Olympics had been given special pool privileges at Glasgow University. Late one night he was considering the arguments a religious friend had been confronting him with as he climbed up to the board for a little late-night practice.
He stood on the board and prepared for a backward flip when he noticed the shadow he was casting on the wall formed a perfect cross in the partially-lit room. Shaken, he sat down on the board to think. As he sat there a maintenance worker came into the pool area and turned on the rest of lights and the diver saw that the pool had been drained.
A laden-down young woman returns to her car from a hard day’s shopping in the Italian Centre and Princes Square. She had parked her car in the multi-storey car park in West Nile Street.
As she approaches the car she notices someone sitting in the back seat. She cautiously checks the number plate to see if it is indeed her car, as it is a popular model and colour. The car is indeed hers, and as she gets closer she sees that it’s an old woman sitting in the back seat.
She asks the woman how and why she is sitting in her car. The old woman replies that she had been shopping with her son and family but felt ill and returned to the car to rest. She obviously had mistaken the young woman’s car for her son’s, as it was the same model and colour. The old woman then asks to be driven to a hospital, as she is still feeling unwell. The young woman agrees.
As she gets into the driver’s seat something makes her very nervous about the situation, like wondering how the woman actually got into the locked car, and she asks the old woman if she is feeling well enough to direct her as she reverses the car out of the parking place. The old woman agrees, gets out of the car and proceeds to direct the reversing manoeuvre.
As soon as the young woman has the car out of the parking space she speeds out of the car park, leaving the old woman stranded. She then drives straight to the nearest police station and reports the incident.
A policeman then searched the car and found an axe concealed under the passenger seat.
The tale of “The Hairy-Armed Hitchhiker” goes back to the early 1800s. In those days, the well-disguised axe murderer was said to have awaited his victim in the back seat of a horse-drawn carriage.
More recently, the legend has resurfaced featuring a man in a nice suit whose briefcase turns out to be loaded with weapons. It is 200 years old and still going strong – proof that a good story never dies.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
This is the one where you look and act like an idiot
Lock the keys in the car? If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call home on your moby. Hold your phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at home press the unlock button, holding it near the phone at their end.
Your car will unlock. It saves someone from having to bring your keys to you or expensive taxis. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other remote for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the boot).
It works fine. We tried it and it unlocked our car over the phone.
Aye, right.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Plutonic and other relationships
Pluto may have been cast out to the darkest reaches of the Solar System but will always be a friend to the Seven Dwarfs.
The Walt Disney Co. characters have issued a hard-hitting statement after the world’s top astronomical body decided to relegate Pluto to the lowly status of a “dwarf planet”.
School text books will have to be rewritten and Mickey Mouse’s faithful companion is said by Disney insiders to be anguished over the fate of his planetary namesake.
But the Seven Dwarfs are not taking it lying down.
“Although we think it’s DOPEY that Pluto has been downgraded to a dwarf planet, which has made some people GRUMPY and others just SLEEPY, we are not BASHFUL in saying we would be HAP
PY if Disney’s Pluto would join us as an eighth dwarf,” they insisted.
“We think this is just what the DOC ordered and is nothing to SNEEZE at.”
Pluto the dog made his debut in 1930, the same year that a 24-year-old American astronomer, Clyde Tombaugh, discovered what until now was called the ninth and outermost planet.
A white-gloved, yellow-shoed source close to Disney’s top dog said: “I think the whole thing is goofy. Pluto has never been interested in astronomy before, other than maybe an occasional howl at the moon.”
Mickey Mouse was unavailable for comment.
And have you heard about the seven levels of cocaine dependency?
Grumpy
Dopey
Sneezy
Sleepy
Bashful
Happy
And eventually
Doc
This nonsense reminded me of the episode in Soap where the gay son is rhyming off a list of historical characters who were gay. “Da Vinci was gay. Michaelangelo was gay, Plato was gay”. At this last his mother interrupted, saying incredulously, “Mickey Mouse’s dog is gay?”
And speaking of soap, below is some correspondence which actually occurred between a Glasgow hotel’s staff and one of its guests.
Dear Maid person,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and the other three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
David MacGregor
______________
Dear Room 635,
I am not your usual Maid person. She will be back tomorrow from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today, as my instruction from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid person
______________
Dear Maid person,
I hope you are my usual Maid person. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
David MacGregor
______________
Dear Mr MacGregor,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief Maid person left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed to do by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Imperial Leather was. I put the Imperial Leather in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new arrivals and which you did not object to when you checked in on Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular Maid person,
Senga
______________
Dear Mr MacGregor,
The assistant manager, Mr. Davidson, informed me this morning that you rang him last night and said you were unhappy with your Maid person service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm.
Thank you,
Elaine Magillicuddy, Housekeeper
______________
Dear Miss Magillicuddy,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45am and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6pm. That’s the reason I called Mr. Davidson last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Davidson if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new Maid person you assigned me must have thought I was a new arrival today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
David MacGregor
______________
Dear Mr MacGregor,
Your Maid person, Senga, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm.
Thank you,
Elaine Magillicuddy, Housekeeper
______________
Dear Mr. Davidson,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to get room service to bring me stupid wee soaps. I ask again, why are you doing this to me?
David MacGregor
______________
Dear Mr MacGregor,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Magillicuddy, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our Maid persons are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Davidson, Assistant Manager
______________
Dear Mrs. Magillicuddy,
Who the fuck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one fucking bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
David MacGregor
______________
Dear Mr MacGregor,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Davidson that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about the 4 wee bars you mention. Obviously your Maid person, Senga, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea that this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Lifebuoy which I left in your room.
Elaine Magillicuddy, Housekeeper
______________
Dear Mrs Magillicuddy,
Just a short note to bring you up to date on my latest soap supplies. As of today I possess:
– on shelf under medicine cabinet, 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– on Kleenex dispenser, 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
– on bedroom cabinet, 1 stack of 3 wee soaps which don’t have a label, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size other wee soaps with a different label, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
– inside medicine cabinet, 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– in shower soap dish, 6 Camay, very moist.
– on north east corner of the bath, 1 unidentified wee soap, slightly used.
– on north west corner of the bath, 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
– on bedroom window sill, 1 bath-sized Lifebuoy, which I hate.
Please ask Senga when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to topple over. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use, apart from the Lifebuoy, and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. And to keep you further up to date, I have obtained another bar of bath-sized Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel safe in order to avoid further misunderstandings. If you have access to this, please do not tell me.
David MacGregor.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
A myth is a good as a mile
Recounting urban myths as though they had happened to you can improve your social standing immensely and make people like you and buy you drinks.
An urban myth is not just any apocryphal tale that is told as true. To qualify as an urban myth, a story must be officially sanctioned by the seven-member Urban Myth Committee of Glasgow University. Committee members are selected on the basis of academic achievement, pubic service (or possibly public service) and capacity for strong drink. Whenever a new president is elected, wee red flags are flown from every rooftop in Hillhead, while the ashes of the previous president are thrown into the Kelvin.
The story about the Maryhill gangs who drive with their lights off and shotgun drivers who flash them was written in 1875 by Charles Dickens.
The comparative rarity of the Maklouf-effigy £2 coins (the ones with the necklace) mean that they are much more valuable than the other coins, and if you place it in the freezer overnight, the cupro-nickel centre will pop out.
Every year, on the first Sunday in October, candle-light vigils are held in small towns around the world for the baby who was put in the microwave to dry.
The rumour of the rat in the bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in Bellshill was so distressing to Colonel Sanders that it led to his suicide in 1981.