by Loretta Lost
I smile sadly. “Cole, my mental illness is not an opportunity for you to prove your masculinity and best your peers.”
“Okay,” he says. “Maybe I have issues, too. Do you have your laptop in here?”
I nod, looking toward my computer bag, which is with my luggage.
“Grab it, and let’s try to talk to the therapist. You should see if you can find a way to reach this Savannah and talk to her.”
“Okay, fine,” I grumble, retrieving the laptop and setting it up in the bed. “Oh, shit—I didn’t get the code to Levi’s WiFi. Whatever, I’ll make a hotspot,” I say, getting up again to grab my phone. A huge yawn escapes my lips as I go to Skype and message the therapist to see if she’s available for a session. To my surprise, she messages back almost instantly.
She begins calling me, and I answer to see that she is actually at her home, which is just as posh as the office.
“Hey Dr. B!” I say with a little wave.
“It’s good to see you two made it safely to Karachi,” she says, with a pleasant smile. “And please, call me Jeannine. How are we all doing today?”
“She’s a little stressed out,” Cole responds.
“I may have discovered a new alter,” I tell her.
“Oh, yes? What was the trigger for her coming out?”
“No, there was no trigger—she didn’t come out. That’s the problem. I don’t know anything about her existence. But when we met with our old friend in Karachi, he took me aside and kissed me and called me Savannah.”
“Oh, dear,” Jeannine says. “First of all, Savannah, if you can hear me, I would like to welcome you to the system. Serena is the host of the system, although she is currently unavailable, and Snow and Sybil both seem to be protectors of sorts. Snow is a physical protector, while Sybil seems to be more emotionally defensive. All these alters appreciate having you as part of their collective, and would love for you to make yourself known, if you feel comfortable. I am Dr. Jeannine Bartholomew, and I will be working together with your system, to help identify its parts. Cole is also a friend and ally, and he is engaged to marry Snow, and previously married to Serena. Please don’t feel the need to hide from any of us. If you want to communicate, feel free to write to me, here on Skype, or grab the notebook in your purse, and jot down anything you feel might be necessary to share with the system.”
“Do you think she can actually hear that?” I ask the doctor.
“I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot,” Jeannine says with a smile. “Don’t worry, as we continue to work together, we have many strategies we could try, including hypnosis, to help identify parts of the system, and help everyone communicate with each other.”
“Would it be unethical or unwise for me to pretend to be this Savannah person with Levi—the friend we’re staying with—to learn a little more about her?”
The doctor hesitates. “It does seem unwise, and it could also backfire, and make Savannah trust you less. But if interactions with Levi are what led to the creation of Savannah, or if Levi is a trigger for her—then that could be a very clever way to access her. But I want you to pay close attention to absolutely everything you’re thinking or feeling when you’re around Levi. Sometimes, Savannah’s thoughts and feelings might disguise themselves as your own.”
“You mean, like wanting to have sex with him?” I ask the doctor. “Because he started trying, and it was very difficult to make him stop.”
The therapist hesitates. “These situations can be tricky. That could be Savannah peeking through. But just be careful, and make sure that you don’t use your disorder as an excuse to knowingly hurt Cole. If Savannah did something in the past that you were not aware of, that was out of your control. But what happens next, as long as you’re able to control the body, is all up to you, Snow.”
“Okay,” I respond.
“Why don’t you try talking to your friend and asking him to see the letters Savannah wrote him? Reading those letters could offer you amazing insight into any relationship they’ve had. And I’ll be here, and try to be available as much as you need me. If I’m ever busy with other clients when you message me, I’ll try to get back to you as soon as possible. I understand that this is a sensitive time for you.”
“Thank you so much.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“I’m sorry I reacted that way earlier,” Levi says as we walk by the indoor pool. “I just haven’t seen Savannah in so long, I was feeling kind of desperate. And when I saw you, I totally didn’t realize you weren’t her. Now I can see it—you don’t talk like her, you don’t walk like her. You’re someone else entirely.”
“My name is Snow,” I tell Levi. “Apparently, I’m a physical protector of the system. So all those times when you were teaching Scarlett to fight, and trying to push her buttons—when she just snapped and beat the shit out of you—that was really me beating the shit out of you.”
“Oh, wow!” he says in amazement. “Well, Snow, you’re an excellent fighter. I always wondered how sweet, timid Scarlett who was too shy to throw a proper punch could flip a switch and have the strength of ten men. Whenever I asked her, she just joked that she had superpowers.”
“It kind of is a superpower, don’t you think?”
“Yes,” he says sadly. He is reaching out to touch my hair, but then he catches himself and stops. “I haven’t practiced Krav Maga in a really long time, unfortunately. Having kids will sort of suck away all your free time.”
“Maybe we could train together, sometime,” I suggest, and his face lights up.
“I would love that.”
“So, do you think you’d be able to help me learn a little more about Savannah?” I ask him. “I had never heard her name before you spoke it today. I don’t know anything about her. Would it be possible to see some of the letters she wrote you?”
Levi hesitates. “Those are pretty private, and special to me, so I’m not sure Savvy would want me to show you that. But I do have… a gift for you. Well, it was a gift for Savvy, but since she’s not here—and I’m not sure if she ever will be here…”
“I can try to find her,” I tell Levi. “If you tell me what her trigger is—like what was Scarlett doing before Savannah took control of the body?”
Levi shakes his head. “You don’t want to know.” He grasps my wrist, and turns it over, gazing at my new tattoo before tracing his finger along the scars running down my forearm. “When I found Savanah, you were bleeding to death. You were devastated because of something Cole did—something he said. As per usual. That’s why I got so upset, earlier, about him faking his own death. He doesn’t care about the consequences his actions can have on others.”
“Wow, Levi,” I whisper. “You turned into a really amazing adult.”
“Let me show you something,” he says, suddenly. “Savvy once said that if you ever doubted my love for you, this was the one thing on earth that could convince you I really cared.”
“One thing?” I ask quizzically.
He smiles and takes my hand, leading me through the giant house. After a lot of walking and climbing stairs, we arrive at a large set of double doors.
I feel a sort of recognition, and I suddenly know what will be beyond those doors. I can’t believe it, but somehow, I know it, and I remember it.
“I built this for you,” Levi says, as he grasps the doorknob and pushes the door open.
I walk forward in a daze, as my heart soars higher than the ceilings. I feel like I am floating, as I spin around, with my mouth open in utter awe.
It’s a library. But not just any library. It’s a library that I designed when I was a teenager, and jokingly asked Cole to build for me. I remember working on those sketches for hours.
“Levi…this is bigger than the library from Beauty and the Beast.”
“I know. That’s Savvy’s favorite movie.”
“Cole gave my drawings to you?”
“No,” Levi says. “I found them in his files, by accident, one time. I
made copies. Then, when I had the money, I made the library. I’ve slowly been collecting books for it, over the years. Every time I see one that reminds me of you, I buy it and bring it home. Wherever I travel in the world, I try to find an old book for you in some quaint little shop. Most of these are used books that were once given to people as gifts, so they have inscriptions in the front, from family members. I know how you loved those ones the best.”
My heart melts.
“Levi,” I say softly, and I am pretty sure there are tears in my eyes. “How could I not know that we had so much history between us?”
He smiles and shakes his head sadly. “I don’t care if you remember or not. The time I spent with Savvy changed my life. She changed me into a better person. And I’ll always love her for that—even if I never see her again.”
I find myself reaching out to put my arms around his neck, and hugging him tightly. It’s not like the quick hug I gave him upon arriving at the house. It’s a true, real, hug, for an old friend I haven’t seen in many years. A friend who loved me—or part of me—much more than I ever imagined.
His arms go around me too, and gently caress up and down my back. He squeezes tightly, but not too tightly, and buries his face in my shoulder.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he says again. “I’ve missed her.
I hold my breath, trying to listen inside my head for any sign of Savvy. I don’t know much about this girl yet, but I do know that I love her. I’m ready to love her as much as I love Serena, and truly accept her as part of me.
Because if she could inspire a man to create something like this for her, then she really must be amazing.
Savvy, are you in there? It’s me, Snow. I just wanted to say hi. Levi sends his love to you, and I hope you can feel it in this hug he’s giving us. I hope you can see it in this beautiful library he’s built for you. I hope you know that you are loved, and even though we didn’t know you existed—you are a very precious part of us. Please come hang out with me sometime.
When Levi ends the embrace, he places a kiss on my cheek, and another on my hair, and just looks at me for a minute. He’s not crossing any lines. He’s being so gentle. He seems totally different from the person I used to know.
“I can’t wait to open all of these books and read the inscriptions,” I confess to him. “And then read the actual books.”
“Savvy always said that a place didn’t feel like home to her, unless it had a lot of books. I wanted to build a place that feels like home to her. A place she would never want to leave.”
“Well, maybe it’s because Savvy is somewhere inside me. But this does feel like home, Levi. More than any place I’ve been in a long time.”
“That’s the way I feel when I look at you,” he says hoarsely. “And I know I shouldn’t say this, but it’s taking every ounce of my willpower not to touch you the way I want to. But you’re not Savannah, and you’re not mine—it’s not my place to do that.”
I feel my breathing catch as he speaks, and as he looks at my body. I feel fuzzy, ancient memories, slowly rising to the surface, like steam, but then disappearing, like the whispers of ghosts in the back of my mind. I try to access something inside me, something that is just out of reach, but I can’t quite grasp it.
“But if you can find Savannah,” he whispers, brushing his fingers over my cheek, “the moment that I know it’s her—the moment I see her in your eyes. The moment that you let me know that you’re mine again, and I have permission…”
The doors to the library burst open, and it slightly breaks this magical spell he’s weaving over me. I feel so strange. I feel like his words are literally tugging me out of my own body. I feel like I want to give him permission.
But Cole walks in then, and moves to my side, and I’m grateful for the backup. Sort of grateful. Priya is here too, and the two of them are speaking, but I find it difficult to hear what they are saying. I am still gazing at Levi, utterly mesmerized, spellbound, enchanted.
He is looking at me too, but he is looking right through me, at someone else.
I shake my head to clear the cloudiness, and I hear that Cole is exclaiming in amazement at the library, and asking Levi where he got the drawings. I hear that Priya is telling the men that she needs to go to the school and pick up the kids from their Chinese classes. Levi is still staring at me, in that piercing way of his. I feel suddenly dizzy and nauseated, and I have to turn away from the men, and Priya, and stumble toward the nearest chair. I sit down, feeling weak, and waiting for the feelings to pass.
Priya rushes over to me, fussing over me, taking care of me in a motherly fashion.
I hear this strange ringing in my ears.
“You need to eat,” Priya is saying as she feels my forehead—but her voice is very far away. “You don’t look too well.”
“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I’m just not feeling—one hundred percent like myself.”
The men both look at me with concern, both of them aware of the implications of my words. Both of them aware of how messed up I am. Both of them believing that one part of me belongs to them. I press a hand against my chest, and feel the war raging just below the surface of my skin.
I have made a terrible mistake. The sentence comes to me, and I know it is not my thinking—even though it is in my head.
What mistake? I ask.
I am so sorry. I made such a terrible mistake.
“You need some fresh air,” Priya is saying. “Come outside with me. We’re going to go pick up the kids from school. You can meet them, and I’m sure those little balls of energy will cheer you right up!”
I nod. “Thanks, Priya. Yes, I would like some fresh air.”
“Are you sure you’re doing okay?” Cole asks as we sit in the back of the Escalade.
I nod, squeezing his hand hard, for support.
Priya and Levi are in the front seat, chatting lightly about their kids and some of the issues they are having with other parents. They are discussing all the extracurricular activities they might want to encourage the children to join.
“I just have this really weird feeling,” I tell him. “I’ve been trying to do what Jeannine recommended and listen more closely. But I don’t like what I’m hearing.”
“What are you hearing?”
“Something about a terrible mistake.”
“We’re here!” Priya says cheerfully. “This is one of the best schools in Pakistan. Very expensive, but so worth it. I’m just going to pop out for a minute to coordinate with some other parents for the upcoming fundraiser.”
“Damn, Levi,” Cole says after Priya steps out of the car and walks toward a group of parents. “She’s amazing.”
“I know. How did I get so lucky in life, and just hit the jackpot? Great girl, great kids, great house, great friends. Sorry I was a bit harsh earlier, Cole.”
“No worries, man. I totally understand.”
“The permits were all approved for your project, by the way. So as soon as you finalize the designs for your thunderproof tower, we can start building!”
“Oh! I didn’t even realize you submitted a request for permits already.”
“After working with you as long as I have? I know the drill. You have the ideas, and dreams, I cut the red tape and make it happen.”
“Thank you, Levi.”
“Anytime! Hey, there’s my little man. Let’s go meet him.”
Cole and I step out of the Escalade, and walk with Levi toward the school. A very cute little boy runs up to him and bounces into his arms.
“Hi, Daddy!” says the cheerful young boy, who looks to be about five. “I learned lotsa things today.”
“Oh yeah? You’re going to be such a smart little man!” Levi says, pressing kisses on his son’s head.
I gaze at the boy curiously, and take in his dark hair and bright blue eyes. When he sees me standing near his father and staring at him, he waves. “Hi!”
“Joshua, I want you to meet daddy’s good friends.
This is Auntie Scarlett and Uncle Cole. You guys, meet little Joshie.”
“Hey, Joshie!” Cole says, smiling at the kid. “I’m a really old friend of your dad’s. I’ve known your daddy since I was your age!”
“Wow!” Joshua says. “Like a million years ago when there were dinosaurs?”
The men both laugh.
I slightly smile, but something catches my attention. I move forward slowly, peering through the crowd, wondering if I am seeing ghosts again. Wondering if I am losing my mind.
“Cole,” I say softly, moving to his side and whispering. “I’m not feeling so great. Really dizzy. I think I’m starting to hallucinate again.”
“What do you see?” he asks gently. “Jeannine said it could be important.”
“Right over there, on that bench,” I say softly. “A little girl with bangs and pigtails, wearing a yellow dress.”
Cole peers through the crowd of children. “Yes. What about her?”
“Do you see her?” I ask him.
He squints. “I think so. There are a lot of kids running around. Oh, is she getting up and walking over here now?”
When he says this, my stomach sinks. “Cole,” I say softly, grabbing his sleeve. “You really see her? Walking over here?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not just imagining her?”
“No, I can see her perfectly clearly.”
I point, with a shaking hand. “The girl in the yellow dress and pigtails?”
“Yes.”
I feel like I’m going to pass out, and I suck in a huge lungful of air. I use Cole’s arm to help myself stand, but at the same time my body propels me forward, toward her. As she comes more clearly into view, the world spins around me, and I can’t remain standing. I feel the gravel suddenly digging into my knees, and then palms. I fight against the dizziness, and look up at Levi—I see he is watching me closely.