by Hannah Ford
“Do you know what it felt like to sit in that room, to be there with Professor Worthington and a woman I’d never met before, while I saw that evidence for the first time? Do you know how humiliating it’s going to be for me to meet with her tomorrow? For her to ask me questions about the things you and I have done?”
His jaw twitched. “Charlotte,” he said.
“Stop saying my name!” There was something about the way he said my name that felt intimate, and I felt like he’d lost that right.
“Do you really think I would bring you to this breakfast, that I would put that evidence in front of you, that I would let a woman you’d never met grill you about our sexual relationship just because I wanted to be an asshole?”
“Then why did you?” I cried. “Why, Noah?”
“Because you need to get ready,” he said. “You need to be ready for when you’re up on that stand, Charlotte. They’re going to throw things at you, they’re going to try to trip you up. You’re going to be grilled about your sexual relationship in front of not only one stranger, but a prosecutor, a jury, a judge, a full courtroom. When this thing goes to a full trial, Charlotte, you’re going to have to be strong. And if you thought what happened in there was hard, well, then we’re going to need to work on thickening your skin.”
I stared at him. “I can’t… “ I said. My throat tightened, a knot appearing over my vocal cords. I swallowed and forced it to loosen. “I can’t do this anymore. I have to go.”
“Charlotte,” he reached out and grabbed my arm. “Please, let Jared take you back to the suite. We can talk about this tonight.”
I wanted to believe him. But I knew exactly what it would be like if we talked about it tonight. It would be half-truths and ambiguous language, him insisting that he had nothing to do with Katie’s murder, that everything that had happened this morning had only been him trying to protect me, to get me ready for the inevitable destruction that was going to reign over my life.
His hand was on mine now, his skin warm and inviting. I felt that pull toward him, the urge to bury my face against his chest. The urge for him to strip me naked, to feel his hands all over me, to fall asleep with him next to me, to have his lips on mine.
But I pulled away. “No,” I said. “I’m not going back to the suite.”
“Charlotte- ”
I looked at him. “Noah,” I said. “I am going to walk away from you now. Do not follow me.”
And for once, he listened.
**
I went back to my apartment. It was the only place I had to go.
“Hello?” I called as I opened the door. I’d walked all the way from Midtown, mostly because I was afraid of what would happen if I stopped, afraid my thoughts would overtake me and make it impossible to start moving again.
Everything was the same. The tiny kitchen. The entryway. The cheap wooden table Julia had set by the door for our keys. Everything felt familiar and foreign at the same time. It hadn’t been that long since I’d called this place home, since it had been my own little piece of New York, familiar and safe. Now it felt like I didn’t belong here.
The apartment was quiet, but it didn’t have the kind of stillness it had when no one was home.
“Julia?” I called.
“Charlotte?” a timid voice called back. I followed the voice down the hallway. Julia was in the bathroom. A narrow strip of light streamed out underneath the closed door. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
I hadn’t talked to her since that night with Josh, but surprisingly, she didn’t sound upset that I was here.
The door to my bedroom was closed, and I took a deep breath and put my hand on the knob. I turned it slowly, almost afraid of what I might find inside.
But my room looked exactly as I’d left it – the bed was sloppily made, the blinds closed tight. It was slightly dusty, and had the feel of not being lived in a for a bit, but other than that, nothing seemed to have been disturbed.
I let out a sigh of relief.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror over my dresser.
“Oh,” I said, shocked at my own reflection. My hair was a frizzy cloud enveloping my head. The makeup I’d put on this morning ran down my face, leaving smudges underneath my eyes and dried streaks on my face. There were red blotches on my neck, mostly likely caused by a combination of stress and the rain.
“Hey,” Julia said, appearing at my door.
In contrast to me, her hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail, and she smelled of shampoo and soap. Her face was scrubbed clean. I hardly ever saw Julia without make-up – she was one of those girls who had a makeup closet, the kind who was always trying out new tricks and buying new products, unlike me, who had one look that I tended to stay with. Her bare face made her look younger, more vulnerable.
She was wearing a white t-shirt that hung on her thin frame and hit just above her knees, and no bottoms. I wondered if the shirt was Josh’s.
“Hi,” I said. I picked up a package of make-up remover wipes from my vanity and swiped one over my messy face.
If Julia was disturbed by my appearance, she didn’t say anything.
“Are you back?” she asked.
I hesitated. Something about saying I was back made everything feel so final. But I couldn’t deny it any longer. To say I wasn’t back was just prolonging the inevitable, allowing myself to get sucked back into the Noah vortex.
“Yes.”
She nodded, accepting this. She played with the bottom of her t-shirt. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“I don’t know,” I said warily. I knew we should talk about it, knew it was probably the right thing to do if I was going to be moving back in. But I was so tired. I didn’t know if I could handle any more confrontation.
“I, um…” Julia looked over her shoulder, like she was afraid someone was going to overhear her. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” I repeated, startled.
“I’m pregnant.” She whispered the words, even though we were the only two in the apartment. “Josh doesn’t know yet.”
I shook my head. “Julia, that’s impossible. You just started seeing Josh. You wouldn’t be able to tell if you were pregnant yet.”
I saw the look of guilt cross her face. So she hadn’t just been seeing Josh from the other night. She’d been seeing him longer than that. “Okay,” I said, shaking my head again. “How far along are you?”
She held her hand out, and I realized she was holding a pregnancy test. “I don’t know. I just found out.”
“And Josh doesn’t…”
“No.” She shook her head. “He doesn’t know.”
I touched her wrist softly, turning it over so I could get a good look at the test she was holding. Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe she wasn’t reading it right. But it was one of those digital ones, the kind that took the guesswork out of the whole process, the kind that dashed any kind of hopes you might have of a mistake.
Sure enough, “PREGNANT” flashed across the screen.
“What are you going to do?” I asked gently. I didn’t want to assume anything either way.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “I’ve only been – ” Her eyes fell on my wrist as I moved my hand away from hers, and she frowned. Then she reached down and picked up my
hand, pushed up the sweater I was wearing, looked at the faint marks on my wrist which were still there from what Noah had done to me.
“You too,” she said, tracing them with her finger. Her voice sounded awestruck, wary, surprised, relieved, all at the same time.
“What?” I frowned.
“You too.” She turned her wrist over, showed me the bruises there.
“Where did you get those?” I asked.
“Josh.”
She said it matter-of-factly, though, not with any trace of being upset or worried. Was it possible that Josh was into tying her up the same way Noah did to me? Or was Josh actually hurting her?
“Julia,” I started. “
Is Josh –”
“Hello?” The sound of the front door opening echoed through the apartment, followed by Josh’s voice calling to us from down the hall.
Julia pulled her arm away from me as if she’d been burned. She quickly tossed the pregnancy test into the garbage.
“We’re in here,” she said.
“Who’s we?” he called, and then he turned the corner and his eyes fell on me. “Oh. Hey.”
“Hi.” I made sure to keep my voice light, controlled. The last thing I wanted to do was show weakness. I was going to be stuck in this apartment at least until I could find another place to live. And I wanted to let Josh know he was to stay far, far away from me.
But to my surprise, Josh sighed, then looked down at the floor. “Listen, Charlotte, I’m really sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to blow up your spot about Noah.”
My heart raced at the mention of Noah’s name. “What?”
“The police interviewed me about what happened in the park that day, you know, when Noah came after me? And I told them it was obvious you guys were seeing each other. I didn’t know they were going to call you to testify until I talked to Professor Worthington this morning.”
“You’re going to be testifying at a trial?” Julia asked, her eyes widening. “What happened?”
“Charlotte’s boyfriend got arrested for murder,” Josh said to Julia. “That’s the case I’ve been working on, baby.”
“Oh my God,” Julia said. Her eyes went down to my wrists, and I pulled my sweater down, hoping Josh hadn’t noticed.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I mumbled.
The hallway descended into an uncomfortable silence. Part of me wanted to yell at Josh for telling the police I was seeing Noah, to tell him he’d wrecked everything for me, but I couldn’t. I was too tired. And it wouldn’t have mattered. What was done was done.
“Anyway,” Julia said finally, breaking the silence. She turned to Josh. “Are you ready to go to brunch?”
“Yeah.” Josh glanced at me, a look of concern clouding his face. But I wasn’t buying it. “Are you okay, Charlotte? Do you want to go to brunch with us?”
“No.” I shook my head and put my hand on my open door, so they’d get the message that I was about to shut it. “I have a lot of reading to do.”
They disappeared down the hall toward Julia’s room, and I heard them talking in there for a while, probably while she got dressed. A few moments later, the front door opened and closed, and a silent stillness dropped over the apartment.
As soon as I was sure they were gone, I shucked my jeans, crawled into bed, and fell asleep.
**
When I woke up, my bedroom was dark. When I’d fallen asleep, it had been light outside -- even with the drizzly weather, the sky had been light enough to shine some brightness into my room.
Now, the sun had dipped below the horizon.
It was eight o’clock.
I’d slept for almost ten hours.
There was a crook in my neck, and I tried to work it out as I got out of bed and padded toward the bathroom.
I ran a brush through my hair, cleaned my teeth and washed my face, then changed into a fresh pair of jeans and a light grey sweater. I wandered into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, but of course there was nothing in there.
Julia didn’t eat.
I wasn’t hungry anyway.
I was restless.
I stood in the middle of the kitchen for a while, just staring off into space, my mind blank.
Then grabbed my keys and purse off the front table.
I was going for a walk.
When I got out onto the sidewalk, the city was alive with people, and I let myself get swallowed up into the crowd.
I walked.
And walked.
And walked.
The rain had stopped, but there were puddles on the street, and I sideswiped them as I walked.
The air had a fresh smell to it, like things were about to change.
I told myself I had to keep looking forward, that everything was going to be okay.
And yet somehow, I found myself in front of Noah’s office building.
I stood outside, looking up at the building, imagining him inside, working on a deal, sitting at his desk. I knew it was silly. He was probably at home by now.He hadn’t tried to call me or text me since I’d left him.
I stood there for a long moment, rooted in place. The wind kicked up, and I was just about to leave when the door to the building opened and Clementine came hurrying out.
She didn’t see me.
She was going the other way, pulling out her phone, distracted by something on the screen.
Why had she been in Noah’s office? The wind gusted again, and my anger swelled.
I was sick of not getting answers.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was pushing through the shiny glass doors of his building, marching up to the security desk. When I gave them my name, they let me in right away – Noah must have put me on some kind of list.
His floor was quiet when I got there, the reception desk empty.
But the light was on in his office, a strip of light sliding under the door. Now that I was here, my nerve was fading. What was I going to do? March in there and demand to know what was going on?
For a moment, it sounded ludicrous.
And then, a second later, it made perfect sense.
Why shouldn’t I march in there and demand some answers?
I walked briskly to his office and knocked on the door.
Silence.
“Noah?” I yelled. “It’s me. Open the door.”
A second later, he appeared. If our fight on the street earlier had had any effect on him, it didn’t show He looked flawless, his suit still immaculate, his hair falling perfectly over his forehead.
He looked slightly surprised to see me, but I didn’t give him a chance to tell me I couldn’t come in.
Instead, I pushed by him and into his office.
“Why did you act like you didn’t know Clementine this morning?” I demanded. I crossed my arms over my chest and tapped my foot against the carpet angrily.
“Nice to see you too,” he replied dryly, shutting his office door behind me.
“Answer me.”
He paused for moment before he answered. “Because the way I know her is not for public consumption.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
He looked at me, his expression carefully controlled. “I’m going to have a drink. Do you want a drink?”
“No, I don’t want a drink!”
He crossed the room to the bar in the corner and poured himself a drink, something amber-colored and expensive-looking. He took a long drag and looked at me thoughtfully.
“Noah,” I said, and my voice cracked. “Please, just… can you just tell me how you know her?” It was a stupid. It was a stupid thing to even be asking. Of all the things I could be asking him to explain – the DNA under Katie’s fingernails, the arguing, his fingerprints all over her apartment – this was the least important. But I wanted him to tell me something, anything.
“She was following Audi.”
“What?”
“She was following Audi for me, making sure he wasn’t getting into any trouble. She’s been doing it for years, ever since I got him off for Rhonda Callahan’s murder.”
“She’s a private investigator?”
“And a lawyer. Among other things.”
“Why did you act like you didn’t know her?”
“Because Colin Worthington doesn’t need to know my personal business.” He drained his drink and looked at me. “Why are you here, Charlotte?”
“What?”
“Why are you here? You made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want to speak to me again.”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“I’m here because I want answers.”
“Answers?”
“I didn’t kill Katie, Charlotte,” he said. “I’ve told you that several times.” His voice was raising, and I noticed his hand tightening around his glass. The door to his office was closed, the entire floor empty. The blinds were shut tight. I became aware of just how alone we were, and my heart thumped in my chest.
“Do you know how hard this is for me?” I demanded. “How hard it is for me to keep hearing you say that, when every day something else comes up that makes it look like you did it?”
Just like that, his control faded. “How hard this is for you?” he demanded. “How hard this is for you? Do you think this has been a walk in the park for me, Charlotte? Do you think I don’t know how this looks?”
“No, I don’t think it’s been easy for you, Noah,” I said. “But you won’t… you won’t tell me anything, you won’t let me in!”
“I’ve told you everything!” he raged. “Yes, me and Katie fought. We fought because I confronted her about her leaking info about my cases. I told you about that when you found those pictures of her in my apartment. But you don’t care, Charlotte, you don’t…” He trailed off, his voice cracking. “There’s nothing I can say to prove this to you. You will always doubt me.”
He moved over to the leather armchair in the corner, sat down on the ottoman and drained his glass.
He looked down at the ground, despondent.
I went over and sat down next to him.
“You should go, Charlotte,” he said. “Please. Before one of us gets hurt.”
It was the first time he’d ever admitted the possibility that I could hurt him just as much as he could hurt me. I could hear the pain in his voice, raw and real, and in that moment, all I cared about was making his pain go away. And the dull ache that was pulsing through my body just from being close to him.
“Noah,” I breathed, reaching up and placing my hand on his arm. “Make me trust you. Please, I… I want to trust you. Make me trust you.”
He shrugged me off, shook his head and stared at the floor.
“Please.” I hesitated for a moment, then stood up and pulled my sweater off, shucking my pants until I was in just my bra and panties. I laid back in the chair, taking my foot and drawing it up his back.