by Nikki Wild
“Alright! That sounds like a pretty good plan! I’m definitely down with that!”
“But keep in mind you’ll still be somewhat vulnerable… A judge may see your prenuptial as a way to skirt your responsibilities, and juries are known to be less than sympathetic toward billionaires these days… You could be risking half of your empire, or more, given what the stock prices would do under such a circumstance…”
“Well how the hell do I avoid that?”
“It would be advantageous if you had somebody whom you already knew and trusted implicitly; Someone close to you who was already vetted. Ideally she would be a woman who was willing to work with you and make a fair deal. Do you know anyone like that Edward?”
Leave it to Edward to have a conniving schemer for a lawyer. Why was I not surprised? So now what? He’s going to enter into a phony temporary marriage with some poor unsuspecting woman, sire a child with her and then kick her to the curb? Very classy! All of a sudden the room got kinda quiet…… I wondered what was going on……and why the hell was Edward staring at me with that goddamned goofy smile? And now Raymond Bidwell had that same wild-eyed look on his face…….Oh hell no! They can’t be serious! No way in hell was I going to be part of this!
Both men nodded at each other and Edward yelled out “Julia Jones!”
Was he insane?
“No way! Edward c’mon. This goes WAY beyond my job description.”
Edward yanked me by the elbow out of my chair and pulled me over into a corner of the room, only about five feet away from everyone else’s ears. He must have thought that as long as he whispered, that would be enough to ensure a private conversation.
“Are you saying you won’t help me out with this Julia?”
I was furious at being ambushed and I sure as hell was not about to whisper back.
“I don’t know what I’m saying! But we are NOT going to have this conversation right now. You are NOT going to put me on the spot like this. I can’t believe your nerve!”
I grabbed my things off the table and stormed out of the conference room, slamming the door as I exited. I didn’t care how unprofessional it looked.
I called Michael from inside the ladies’ room. My sobbing echoed off the tiled walls and made it hard for my brother to understand what I was saying. Eventually I was able to intelligibly relay my address to him. He comforted me the best he could over the phone and told me he’d get a friend to bring him down to Bidwell’s office; That way he could drive me home in the Tempkar. I was simply not up to fighting with that car after the bizarre morning I had just had. What would I do without my dear sweet Michael?
The restroom had a small sofa in it so I decided to wait there until I got Michael’s text that said I’m here. Where are you? Then I ran out to the parking garage and gave him a big hug as soon as I saw him.
“Thanks so much Michael. Here’s your Tempkard. I hope I didn’t inconvenience you by taking it.”
“No. Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t going anywhere. I just wondered what happened to it, since I knew I had left it on my dresser. But why are you so upset Julia? Why are you crying? What has that Italian mother-fucker done to you this time?”
Michael opened the Ford Focus with his card and we both got in. He backed up the car and pulled out of the lot, shifting like he was some kind of racing pro. I was astounded.
“Where did you learn how to drive a stick?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just taught myself. I used to take Uncle Avery’s old El Camino for a joyride sometimes after he fell asleep. You know back when I lived with him in his Oakland house. He never knew. But please stop changing the subject and tell me what’s the matter.”
On the drive back to our neighborhood, I described my entire morning to Michael including all the sordid details of the meeting and Edward’s proposition.
“Julia I’m stunned. I can’t fuckin’ believe what I’m hearing. That asshole really wants you to act as his pretend wife and be his baby mama? How despicable can you get? I knew he lived in his own little super-rich universe but Jesus Christ! Where does he get off even asking you something like that? I guess you told him where to shove that idea, huh?”
I had no reply for my ranting brother. No words. I just sat there in silence staring blankly out at the city as we drove home.
“Julia? Why aren’t you saying anything? You did tell that mega-jerk ‘no’ didn’t you?”
“Not exactly.” I winced as soon as those pathetic words came out of my mouth.
“NOT EXACTLY? NOT EXACTLY? Please tell me you did NOT agree to do it?”
“Now Michael don’t be mad………..I haven’t really made up my mind yet. There’s an awful lot to consider. There’s a lot riding on this. A lot of money….”
“How could you even consider such a thing? It’s such a fucking insult to you Julia! Can’t you see that?”
“Michael you don’t understand!”
“I understand that he’s changed you into somebody I don’t recognize!”
“Michael I know you think it sounds degrading and I know you think I deserve better but this is actually an opportunity which, the more I think about it, the more I think I’d be a fool to turn it down.”
We parked the car back at the lot on Stanyan Street and started walking the four blocks home. I had never seen Michael so upset. And I didn’t know how to convince him otherwise. Our whole lives Michael had always put me up on a pedestal. After all, I was his big sister and he looked up to me. Now he could hardly look at me……
His stride was getting larger and his pace was quickening. I was having trouble keeping up with him. It was almost like he was trying to outrun his rage. I grabbed him by the shoulder until he stopped on the sidewalk and faced me.
“Michael I would literally be set for life. No more struggling. No more taking buses. No more tiny apartment. I could help you too; anything you need. You and I could get a house!”
“I don’t need any help! And I certainly don’t want any spaghetti sauce money from your boss! And what’s so bad about our lives now anyway? Why do you feel like you have to sell yourself short like this Sis? Why don’t you just get a respectable job with a law firm?”
“Because I want to make a difference in the world like daddy always said I would. He believed in me Michael. Remember how he always used to say that?”
“No not really.”
Michael and I resumed our walk toward home at a more reasonable pace now. He was beginning to calm down a little bit and his voice and tone had softened.
“Well that’s cuz you were probably still too young. How old were you when daddy was run over?”
“Only four.”
“Well see that’s why. I was already in school and I would bring home my perfect report cards and daddy would always beam with pride. And he would call me his little chickadee and he’d say, “Chickadee one day you are gonna be somebody big and important. And you’re gonna change people’s lives and help them with your big fat smart brain.”
“And you don’t think being a lawyer is helping people and making a difference in the world?”
I thought going into law would allow me to do that but I was mistaken. I don’t want to spend my life legally defending low-life criminals or big business crooks. That whole thing just left me feeling empty inside.”
“Well how the fuck are you planning on helping people by being the Italian Stallion’s baby mama?”
“Besides the fact that I’d be given sizeable trust fund which I could use to benefit causes dear to me, I’d also still be in a position to influence and steer Edward on a course toward his grandfather’s charitable work. That’s really an important part of the old man’s legacy that I’ve been working very hard on with Edward. I have been making some progress.”
“You really think you can make that rich jackass care about anyone besides himself?”
“Yes I do. And I think it might be even easier if I were carrying his child; his heir; his posterity. I belie
ve that would have to inspire him to make the world a better place. Who doesn’t have that dream for their own child?”
As we waded through the tall unmown grass of our apartment complex, Michael put his arm around me and sighed.
“It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind about this…..”
His words caught me off-guard. I instantly halted and looked up at my “little” brother.
“I guess it does kinda sound that way doesn’t it?”
“Well have you already decided Julia?”
“If I’m being honest with myself………the answer to that is no. I haven’t made a decision either way. Sure, whenever I think of the high-minded noble humanitarian cause I say ‘I need to do this for the greater good.’ Theoretically it sounds perfect: Me and my billionaire husband working side by side to help others, pushing our little baby Armani in some incredibly expensive stroller…..”
“But the reality?” Michael was staring intently into my eyes now.
“The reality is we’re talking about Edward! He’s a jerk and the marriage would be fake! And oh my God a baby too! I’d have to be pregnant and endure childbirth! What sacrifice would HE be making? Sperm donation?”
“Now you’re talking fucking sense!”
“And the bottom line is I am NOT a martyr!”
Michael high-fived me as we entered our apartment.
10
Edward
Nigel greeted me at the door when I got home at 9PM. Usually he was in his room by that time of night. I had stopped at a neighborhood bar near my office on the way home from work and although I was feeling no pain, I also didn’t exactly feel like singing the Hallelujah Chorus either.
“Hey Nigel. What’s goin’ on? What are you doing still roaming about the house at this hour?”
“Good-evening Edward. What do you mean by ‘roaming about the house’? What am I a buffalo?”
“No of course not Nigel. I didn’t mean anything really. You’re just usually in your room watching TV by now that’s all.”
“So how did the meeting go this morning? Was it everything you had hoped for?”
“Pretty much. Nonno bequeathed everything to me……..”
“You don’t sound even remotely like a man who just inherited a fortune? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that I never understood that old fart when he was alive and I guess I never will.”
“What’s there to understand Edward?”
I loosened my necktie and plopped down onto the large suede sectional sofa. I stared blankly at the wall of windows that framed my magnificent view. The lights of my fabulous “City By The Bay” stretched on for miles surrounding my sprawling hilltop residence.
“Would you like a drink Edward?”
“No thanks Nigel. I already had a few.”
“I figured as much, but as your butler I felt compelled to offer.”
“Nigel……. did you ever know my grandfather to have a perverse sense of humor?”
“What do you mean perverse? Like sexual?”
“No. More like twisted or strange; self-serving - funny only to him?”
“No. Not at all. He had a bit of a vengeful streak though. He often delighted in getting back at people.”
“Maybe that’s why he did it…….maybe he was getting back at me for something?”
“What exactly did he do? Are you ever going to enlighten me or are we simply going to continue playing a game of Twenty Questions?”
“Nonno put two stipulations on my inheritance Nigel.”
“Really? Two stipulations you say?”
“You know what, on second thought I will have that drink Nigel. I’m getting pissed off just thinking about the whole thing again. My usual Scotch, neat please. Make one for yourself too if you want.”
“I’ll abstain thank you. My dinner is setting pretty heavy on my stomach tonight.”
Nigel poured my drink and set it down on a coaster to avoid creating a ring on my glass tabletop.
“Thanks Nigel. Anyway as I was saying, my grandfather amended his will that included two conditions.”
I took a long sip of my Scotch before I finally blurted out:
“ I have to be married and have a baby on the way by the old man’s birthday!”
Nigel’s face slowly worked itself into a very wicked smile.
“By Halloween? You don’t say? That sly old dog.”
“Why do you say that Nigel?”
“Well first of all Edward, I don’t believe your grandfather was joking at all. As a matter of fact I think he put a lot of serious thought into those stipulations.”
“Please at least sit down Nigel. It’s hard to talk to someone who’s hovering over me.”
Nigel took a seat in the overstuffed chair nearby.
“Now would you mind telling me what the hell you’re talking about?”
“It’s really quite simple. Think about it. What usually happens, or at least should happen, when a person marries and when a person becomes a parent?”
“They become miserable?”
“Do you want to have a serious conversation or not Edward?”
“I’m sorry Nigel. I couldn’t resist.”
“So Mr. Smart Ass……let’s try again. What traits usually develop in a person under those circumstances?”
“Resentment? Impatience and frustration?”
“Edward if these are your honest answers then I seriously pity Miss Jones.”
“Miss Jones?! What the fuck Nigel! What made you say Miss Jones?!”
“Well, am I wrong in assuming you have Miss Jones in mind for this task? She seems the obvious choice. Child bearing hips dear boy… Actually, if you don’t mind me saying so, you’d be a fool to consider choosing anybody but her.”
“Jesus Christ Nigel!” I stood up and walked over to the wall of windows. Nigel was always so damn frustratingly right.
“Did I say something out of line Edward? That was not my intent. I thought you wanted an honest dialogue.”
“I do! And yes Julia is my first choice! I just get annoyed when you’re right all the time!”
“Well there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m the best paid butler on the continent for a reason.”
“Yes I’m starting to realize that. Anyway, Julia is the other reason I’m kind of pissed.”
“Because you asked her but she hasn’t given you an answer yet?”
“Nigel! What the fuck man? Can’t you at least pretend you don’t know every fucking little thing?”
“Pretense has never been my strong suit. Besides, would you prefer I shield you from the truth like a child?”
“Of course not. But you have to admit you’re kind of smug.”
“Smugness is a prerequisite for butlering.”
“Anyway Nigel, let’s get back to your first question. I give up……..what traits do people develop when they get married and have a child?”
“Well if you’re really going to make me spell it out for you: They develop a deep sense of responsibility and commitment to others. They innately start putting the interests of others ahead of their own. Their universe expands because they are no longer the center of it. To put it simply Edward, they grow up.”
“Holy shit Nigel! So Nonno thought I still needed to grow up?! That’s pretty fucking insulting!”
“That would be my guess. Perhaps he wanted to ensure he was leaving his fortune and legacy in the hands of a full-grown man rather than a man-child. Surely you can’t fault him for that.”
“The fuck I can’t! He’s made it so I have to jump through ridiculous hoops just to get what is rightfully mine!”
“And what if Miss Jones doesn’t feel like joining your little three-ring circus?”
I had no answer for Nigel. I was betting on Julia saying “yes”.
11
Julia
After dinner that night, I took a long hot bath and an over-the-counter sleeping pill. My thoughts
were reeling and racing through my brain. I needed to relax and somehow quiet my mind. One moment I was dead-set against helping Edward and my attitude was “Screw him and screw the rest of the world with him!” And the next minute I was imagining my extravagant wedding – “the high society event of the season” and picturing what our inevitably gorgeous child would look like. I couldn’t seem to stop my own mental torture.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t deny the truth of my relationship with Edward. As my boss, he was unreasonably demanding and controlling. He gave me very little latitude; the usual tight leash. So when I asked myself “What kind of husband (albeit a fake one) and father would he be?” the answer just didn’t sound too promising.
The sleep aid eventually kicked in, my eyelids became heavy and I drifted off to sleep. And boy did I ever have a doozy of a dream! Of course it had to be about me and Edward:
We were having sex in a giant bed in the middle of Golden Gate Park. It started off pretty great too – Edward had my hands tied to the headboard with his necktie and he was plowing me real slowly with my legs peeled back to my ears. Then all of a sudden I was on my knees and wearing a diamond-studded dog collar. How the hell did that happen? The necktie became a dog leash and suddenly I’m tethered to a fire hydrant while he’s screwing me from behind in typical doggie-style fashion. Next thing I know, we’re in bed in Raymond Bidwell’s office and the lawyer is feeding me a dog biscuit. Then the room starts spinning and shrinking – the walls are closing in on me and Edward is controlling everything. The dog leash morphs into puppet strings. Edward is pulling and working the strings that are attached to my hands and feet. He’s yanking me around and controlling my every move. He walks me into my Barbie Doll box, closes the top and puts me on a shelf with other dolls. He only takes me out to play with me when he needs a sex toy. He tells me he’s going to put a baby in me and next thing I know I’m wearing a wedding veil and carrying a screaming baby with a jack-o-lantern pumpkin head that has Nonno’s face carved into it!