“Emily…what is going on…what were you involved with?” Troy’s voice came over as an insistent whisper. “Things are positively crazy over here. Mari’s on a warpath, tearing through your desk, and then Vivienne West came in and demanded Mari meet with her privately. They went into one of the meeting rooms and were in there forever! And there were police here earlier…and someone in a dark suit with sunglasses. He looked just like one of those FBI guys you see on TV. What have you gotten yourself into, Emily?”
Emily sighed with exhaustion. She didn’t know what to say, or even how much she was allowed to say.
“Troy, I can’t really talk about it right now. It’s just…I don’t even know what to say.”
“Okay, but do you need a lawyer or something? Are you about to be arrested? I can be your one phone call, if you need me.”
An anxious laugh burst out of Emily. She was grateful to Troy for the offer, but also a little sad that he thought that he would be her phone call if she was ever arrested, as if she didn’t have anyone else to call. The truly tragic part about it was that he was kind of right. Who else would she call if she had an emergency? Not her mother, and she’d let many of her close girlfriends drift away as she focused single-mindedly on building a base to start her business.
She’d always thought that having a partner, a boyfriend or a husband, was an accessory she could do without. Now, after having had a taste of what life with someone else could be, what life with Ethan could be, she felt as though instead of being an accessory to life, it was more a necessity than an afterthought. A life without Ethan would feel like a life without an arm, or a leg. Something she took for granted and didn’t realize how much she relied upon it, him, until it was gone. Yet she had no one to blame, nowhere to look for an explanation other than inside her own heart and her head.
Chapter Twenty One
Emily’s aimless driving had taken her to a quieter part of town, one where the restaurants were a little cheaper, a little dingier. The bars veered more towards dive than trendy. Still it was an okay, if a bit depressing, part of the city. It fit Emily’s mood perfectly. She pulled into a gravelly parking lot outside a bar/restaurant combo and walked inside. It was complete with sticky floors and the pervasive smell of old beer and stale cigarette smoke, though lighting up had been banned in the city for more than ten years. It was the kind of place where the bartender would leave you alone if you didn’t want to talk, his only interaction with you to come by and refill your whiskey every time the glass ran dry.
Emily wasn’t a whiskey drinker, but today seemed like an appropriate day to start the habit. She’d gone from being on top of the world when she woke up this morning, to hitting rock bottom by mid-day, then rebounding to somewhere in the middle after talking with Vivienne. Now, she didn’t know where she was.
The first sip burned, and Emily had to bite back a grimace. The second sip was larger and went down easier. By the third, Emily’s fingertips felt a little numb, and the whiskey tasted like liquid fortitude. Though she still had half a glass left, she signaled the bartender with a swirl of her finger to indicate she wanted another. She thought she looked experienced and wise, but even with the alcohol coursing through her blood, she could see the bartender bite back a swift smile at her obvious lack of experience with drinking liquor. She tipped the glass back again and swallowed another mouthful, just because she could.
The bartender ambled over and refilled her glass to the top, and Emily’s stomach turned a bit at the thought of drinking that much more. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten, and she worried the swill in her belly would make her sick.
“Do you have anything to eat?” she asked the bartender
“Just chips and pretzels.” He gestured to a rack behind the bar where clips held dusty looking bags of snacks. Emily guessed people didn’t come here to eat.
Suddenly ravenous and unable to stomach any more of the amber liquid, she called out to the man who’d served her while she reached for her purse. “How much do I owe you?”
“Hey, it’s on me,” he answered. “You look like someone kicked your puppy.”
“Thanks,” she mumbled back, the fire of the liquor coursing up in her throat. She swayed a little as she came off the stool, and cursed herself for her lack of tolerance.
Her stomach gurgled while the dingy décor of the bar swam in and out of focus. She felt something on her hand, and looked down where her fingers were resting on the wooden top. A bag of chips grazed the tips of her fingers.
“Eat those and they’ll help with your stomach.”
Emily felt prickles of tears at the small kindness the bartender, this stranger, was showing her. She clutched the chips in her fist as if they were a piece of priceless jewelry, and gushed her thanks. At that the bartender looked a little embarrassed.
“They’re just chips. It’s nothing, really. They’re probably expired anyway. You just looked like you needed ‘em. It’s just what people do for each other.”
Emily stumbled out into the growing darkness of the early spring evening. She held the chips to her heart. It’s just what people do for each other.
She knew that, conceptually. But she just had always assumed that people meant someone other than her. She wasn’t used to anyone being nice to her like that. She was used to her mother, who had all but abandoned her for a better, glitzier life. She was used to a father who thought about Emily always as a distant second to the wife who had left him. Her mother had relocated with every new relationship, dragging Emily along. Emily had learned that even her friendships wouldn’t last, and after a while, she’d stopped making an effort. She’d made friends, but they’d always been transitory, people who were lovely in the moment, but forgotten when they moved on. She stopped letting anyone get close enough for it to hurt when they left.
She’d thought she was fine that way, but now she felt like she had people who were closer. Charlotte, whose warmth and genuine affection had broken through Emily’s defenses. Vivienne, who had defended Emily against Gaines and counseled her on letting people in. Even Troy, who had Emily’s back at work and instinctively knew when she needed a coffee, a hug, or something stronger.
Somehow, these people had gotten to know her despite her efforts to remain aloof. Or had she finally gotten to the point that she wanted to let them in? Had her first encounter with Ethan changed something in her, made her long for that deeper relationship, made her see something in him that allowed her to reach for more?
The first moment she’d seen him on the elevator, that cocky grin, she’d known. At the back of her mind, a little voice had whispered, this is it, this could be the real thing. She’d fought it, she’d been afraid of it, but that hadn’t been enough to keep him at arm’s length. He’d gotten in anyway, and now she had to grieve his loss.
Or did she? The same sneaky voice whispered to her again. What if it wasn’t too late? Emboldened by the whiskey, she pulled her phone out of her purse and dialed his number. Then she listened to it ring, and ring, and ring, before his voicemail picked up. Disconnecting quickly, Emily blushed in embarrassment that she’d called. Of course he wouldn’t answer. He’d probably already moved on. She’d had her chance, blown it, and now he was on to someone else. She’d have to find a way to do the same.
The tears that had been threatening finally broke through, just as a cloud heavy with moisture opened up a deluge on her head.
Miracle of miracles, an open cab chose that moment to pull up to the curb. The cabbie rolled down the window. “You need a ride?”
“I do,” Emily answered gratefully, knowing she was in no condition to get behind the wheel of her car. “Thanks for stopping. I thought I was going to have to walk in the rain all the way home.”
“No problem. I was just headin’ home myself, going off-duty for the night. I been drivin’ ten hours already today. Gotta get home to see the rug rats before they go to sleep.”
“Oh, then you should just go. Don’t worry about me. I
really can walk.”
“Hey, you look a little down, like you need this ride tonight more than I need to hurry home. No worries, I’ll just text my wife and see if she can keep the kids up a little later tonight. Now, where’re you headed?”
Emily gave him her address, and settled into the seat, watching the rivulets of rain run down the outside of the window. Her feet hurt. She pulled off her shoes, massaging her toes in relief as the painful constriction on them eased.
“You wanna talk about it?” the cabbie asked.
“No…I don’t know…maybe. No. These shoes should be illegal.” Emily held up the offending pair in disgust. “Anyone who designs shoes should be made to walk in them for eight hours before selling them.”
The cabbie nodded, and they settled into silence. Before long, they pulled up in front of Emily’s house. She paid the cabbie, including a generous tip, and stepped into the mugginess that was left after the rain had passed. The cabbie splashed away, leaving Emily alone on the dark street.
Emily started in fright as the shadow of a hulking man appeared on her front porch, stepping back and twisting her ankle in a divot in the sidewalk. The fear quickly fled when she recognized Ethan, and a different apprehension moved in. Her heart started beating wildly, wondering why he was there.
He glanced down at her naked feet. “You seem to have a problem with keeping your footwear, Cinderella.”
“Maybe I’m just waiting for my prince to find the right fit for me.”
Ethan looked like he was going to say more on that subject, but then he shook his head as if to clear it, before speaking again, this time in a much more business-like tone. “Gaines confessed. We had enough on him that he didn’t have much choice. The AG worked out a plea deal with his lawyer. He’ll still get jail time, and will have to pay back the money he stole. Technically, the charges he faced were for tax evasion, but the result is the same. He’s in prison, and the money’s back where it belongs.”
“That’s great,” Emily responded. “I mean, I heard already. From Vivienne. Did you know she was a part of it, too?
Ethan shook his head. “Not until it was all over. Crazy. Who would have thought she was capable of that? She always seemed so meek.”
“I know. But sometimes people can surprise you. They’re different than you think, if you can just give them a chance.” Emily blushed, wondering if Ethan knew she wasn’t talking about Vivienne anymore.
“Some people can, but sometimes they’re too stuck in their old habits and patterns to do anything new. Try anything new.”
“Yeah, but sometimes they just need the right motivation to open up. Maybe they’re scared, and they haven’t found anyone who was worth taking the risk for before. Maybe they want to try, but they’re still scared.”
“How about we cut the double-talk, Emily, and just get into it. I like you. I want you. I want to be with you. We don’t have to hide it anymore, there’s nothing to hold us back. I want you to be my girlfriend. I know where you’re coming from, and I know how hard this is for you, but I need to know that you can try. Otherwise we’re both wasting our time.”
“I like you too. I want to be with you too. And I’m more than scared. I’m terrified. I’m afraid that if I let you in, I’ll be destroyed when you leave.”
“I’m not planning to go anywhere. I don’t want to leave. Ever. I love you, Emily. I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you cruising down the hallway and jabbing at that elevator button. And I’ve wanted to tell you since forever, but I didn’t want to scare you away. I need you to know now, and if it helps to make you feel secure, then I’ll tell you every day.”
“I love you too! I’ve loved you since the elevator, too, but I’ve been too afraid to admit it, even to myself. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of receiving love, and that if I admitted it, you’d be gone and I’d be heartbroken.”
Emily’s heart was racing, and she took a deep breath before continuing.
“I’ve learned that not everyone is like my parents. Charlotte, Vivienne, you. You’ve all shown me that some people can care more. I guess I knew that all along. I’ve seen it in the work I do. Sure, there are couples I know will never last, but I’ve seen real love between people. It was just easier for me pretend it wasn’t something I wanted, or needed.
“I’m sorry I pushed you away. I don’t want to do that again. I can’t promise I won’t ever freak out again, but if you can help me through it, then I’ll promise you that I won’t run again. I’ll stay and we can work through it.”
“Sounds like a fair deal. Should we seal it with a handshake?” Ethan held his hand out to her, and she placed her own into his.
She was a little disappointed that he wasn’t gathering her into his arms, but she guessed maybe he needed a little more time to get over her leaving.
She was wrong. No sooner had he grasped her hand in his than he tugged her to him and pulled her into a kiss. He claimed her mouth with his, thrusting his tongue between her lips, demanding she open to him. She didn’t need much convincing. She was as hungry for this as he was.
“Keys,” he ordered her roughly, and she fumbled to unlock the door. Inside, she wasted no time before pulling him down the hall to her bedroom. All the while, their hands roamed over each other. In her room, Emily started yanking at Ethan’s shirt, desperate to feel his skin. He grabbed her hands, stilling them.
“Wait.”
Emily’s shoulders slumped. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want her. Ethan tipped her chin up so she was looking at him.
“Don’t second guess my feelings for you.”
Emily opened her mouth to deny that she was doing that, even though it was true, but Ethan didn’t let her speak.
“I just said wait. Not because I don’t want you.” Emily’s eyes widened slightly in surprise that he had known that was what she had been thinking.
Ethan smiled. “You don’t need to say anything for me to know what you’re thinking. At least not, right now. I can read in your eyes that you’re second-guessing again. Don’t. This isn’t me pulling away.” As he talked, he was slowly backing her up, until Emily felt the coolness of the wall behind her.
“God, Emily, I love you. I will always love you, and I will tell you that every day if that’s what you need to believe it. I need and rely on you just as much as you need me. I’m only slowing us down right now because I want to show you how much I care. I want to give you everything I have.”
Ethan released her hands so he could reach up to cradle her face, and bent towards her. He brushed his lips against hers, so lightly she wasn’t sure if it was his mouth or his breath that touched her. She pressed her face to his, but he pulled back, smiling.
“I told you I’d give you soft. Be patient. It will be worth it in the end.”
He touched his lips to hers again, this time with a little more pressure. Not nearly as much as Emily craved. She tried once more to push into him, but he stepped away again. Emily nearly growled with frustration. She must have actually scowled, because Ethan’s grin widened. He had the same cocky half-smile now that he’d worn when she first saw him. He still held her face, so gently, as if it were a delicate, precious vase, to be handled with only the most delicate of touches. It was unbearably sweet.
Ethan leaned toward her, and kissed the corner of her mouth, then traced her bottom lip with his tongue before tugging it gently between his teeth. Emily moaned, a combination of desire and frustration, and arched her body into his. He slid one hand down her body to her waist, leaving a trail of fire scalding her body, even through her clothes, burning a path down her skin. Unwilling to wait, Emily lifted a leg and pressed her thigh into his crotch, reveling in satisfaction that he was already deliciously hard.
“Jesus, Emily,” Ethan growled into her mouth. “What are you doing to me?”
“Hopefully getting you to hurry the fuck up,” she retorted, rubbing him with her leg. Ethan groaned, before grabbing her hands and lifting them above her head, locking them i
n place with one of his. He held them firmly, but gently, and Emily could have pulled free. She didn’t want to.
Ethan shifted his mouth to her neck, sucking at the delicate skin under her chin where Emily’s pulse throbbed.
With his other hand, Ethan explored her curves, skimming the arc of her hip before trailing down to cup the cheek of her ass. Emily ground her pelvis into his, trying to ease the pulsing in her pussy.
Suddenly, Ethan let go of her wrists to grab her butt and lift her up. Understanding, Emily wound her legs around his waist and sighed as her pussy pressed hard into his arousal. Ethan carried her over to her bed and, still holding her, lowered both of them down. Poised above her, he lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her long and deep, claiming her mouth with his tongue. Emily answered him, her tongue tangling with his, staking her own claim on him.
A second later, Ethan leaned back, pulling Emily up with him so he could lift her shirt over her head. His eyes darkened as he noticed the hardness of her nipples straining against the delicate lace of her bra. He reached over to brush one hard tip with his thumb, watching Emily. Emily gasped when the rough skin of his thumb brushed the sensitive nub. She gasped again when he pinched it, then rolled it between his thumb and index finger. His hand moved, as if to switch to the other side, but paused and slid her bra straps off her shoulders, pulling the lacy fabric away from her breasts, freeing them to the cool night air and his hot, searing gaze. When he touched her again, it was with both hands, alternating gentle caresses with pinching and pulling at her nipples, watching them become harder and bigger under his touch. Emily’s breath was uneven and ragged, and when he bent down to take one of the nubs into his mouth, she cried out, something between a sob and a gasp. He reached behind her to release the clasp and Emily slid the fabric off her arms. His fingers worked one breast while his mouth sucked the other. Then he switched, mouth replacing fingers, fingers replacing mouth. Emily’s hands grasped at the sheets of the bed, then lifted to his head, pulling him closer, urging him on. She wound her fingers through his hair, and as her arousal continued to build, she unconsciously began to push his head lower on her body. Ethan didn’t need much urging before his mouth left her breasts and he started trailing soft kisses down her belly.
Private Engagement Page 19