"Tucker doesn't understand our world, Abigail. He comes from a background that doesn't make any sense to Carol. Yes, she did live it once when I first met her. I think she regrets going down that path more than anything, being with someone who treated her so badly – and it makes her that strict with you. I know it doesn't make any sense now, but wait until you have a daughter of your own and she might just go down that same path Carol went down – that same path you are heading down right now. You are nineteen years old; you can't be in love already, especially with the first boyfriend you've ever had, and I can tell you that I was shocked when I saw him standing here with you today. You guys act like you've been together for a couple of years, not a couple of months. Take your time in this world and find out who you are first, date around, concentrate on your ballet. I know how much that means to you. I know you wouldn't trade that for anything."
I looked up at my dad and took in his advice. He knows all about advice – I mean, he's a lawyer and gives it all the time to his clients. But is it worth it to take it and leave Tucker behind?
I walked home in a daze. I half expected to see Tucker when I came out of my parents' house waiting for me on the street, cooling off, but he wasn't. The November air was cold as I continued my walk home. Every once in a while, I would kick at the imaginary rock lying on the sidewalk as I scuffed my heel. I was only wearing my dress, with no panties I might add. I was cold from the wind.
My dad's words hit me hard as I kept rethinking what he said. Focusing on my ballet was the number one thing on my list. I went to the concert with Tucker, got drunk for the first time, and didn't get the main part in Swan Lake. I was paying for it by being an understudy for Jasmine. I didn't want to be the understudy every time I tried out for a part, and I wanted that main part with every show, not to be the girl on the side.
I was still in a daze when I walked into my apartment. Jade and Rachel were gone to their parents' houses and wouldn't be back for a couple of days. With the place being so empty, it would give me time to sulk in misery. My phone rang as I plugged it in the charger and I made my way into the bathroom to shower. I knew the ringtone; it would be forever burned into my memory. I knew I needed to think about what my dad said. He was right; Tucker grew up in a completely different world than I did. My phone rang two more times, and then silence left me all alone in the shower, leaving me to wash away the sins of my body that I committed in my parents' piano room. I really hated to think of it as a sin.
Even though I loved Tucker's hands on my body, deep down my dad's advice echoed in my head. I started to cry in the shower as I heard his ringtone go off again. He was looking for me. He probably already knew that I was home, but I couldn't go to him – not now – just a little peace of mind was all I needed. I scrubbed my skin until it felt raw, then I dragged my legs to bed and I quickly fell asleep.
My wonderful sleep didn't last long because of the loud banging on my front door. My phone rang throughout the night; his ringtone was starting to out ring my dad's choice of words. I ended up turning my phone off. Why? I had no clue. I was crazy for pushing Tucker away like this. I just wanted him, only him, but something was stopping me.
But those words, my dad's words. "You are nineteen years old; you can't be in love already. Take your time in this world and find out who you are first, date around, concentrate on your ballet. I know how much that means to you."
My ballet did mean so much to me. I wanted it badly, just as much as Tucker. I shut my tired eyes to have sleep claim over me once again. I didn't move for three days, not getting up unless to pee, which wasn't often since I wasn't eating or drinking anything. December first was next week and now that Swan Lake was over, we had auditions for The Nutcracker coming up. I wanted a Sugar Plum Fairy spot more than anything. As I dreamed of the beautiful moves of the ballet dancer to the soft happy music, I fell asleep again.
I felt my bed dip down and small hands rubbed my back. I slowly woke up and I already knew just by the hands that they were Jade's. Tucker probably called Jett, who called Jade – probably going through the line of our friends.
"Gabs, you okay?"
"I'm fine. Could you just go away?"
"Yeah, I'll go. But just so you know, Tucker is in the living room…wants to talk with you."
I shut my eyes so tight, they watered. "Just tell him to go, Jade. I'll call him later."
She sighed, "I'm doing this just once. Next time, you have to do it. I'm not getting in the middle."
I heard Jade's footsteps fade down the hallway and that's when the screaming started.
"GABS! Get out here right now!" Tucker yelled. I pulled a pillow over my head, trying to drown out his voice. Again, why was I hiding? Why was I pushing him away? I should be reassuring that we could work.
"Gabs!" He was right outside my door. I pulled the comforter up and over my pillow with my head still underneath it.
Coward.
Knocking on my door, he begged, "Gabs, what did I do? You've got to talk to me."
Gah, he didn't do anything! It's me! So tell him that, dummy.
"Just go away, Tucker!" I yelled through my layers of fabric, hoping he heard me. Instead, I heard my door open, then my blanket was ripped off me. The cold air hit my body like a bunch of hail hitting my skin, next was my pillow, and then I met very angry Tucker eyes.
"What the hell?" he asked.
I tried to rotate my body away from him. I couldn't look at him, but he grabbed my wrist and kept me in one place. I tried wrenching my arm back, but he wouldn't let me go. "Let go."
"No, not until you tell me what the hell is up. Was it that guy, Alex? Did he say something to you about us? Did he give you doubt? Does he want you?"
Tucker's words hurt me. It had nothing to do with Alex. I didn't like him. I didn't want him. End of story.
When I didn't answer, he got angry. "Do you want him?" he growled.
"What? NO!" I screamed sitting up. "How can you say something like that?"
"I don't know, you're not even talking to me. What did I do?" Tucker took hold of my shoulders to give a light shake.
"You're getting mad at me for not talking?" I scoffed. "You don't talk to me! You don't tell me anything about what you do or where you go when you're with Brad. Do I pester you about it? No! I mind my own business. So, you didn't do anything, Tucker. My dad just talked with me and I was just thinking."
His eyes softened but not much. "Thinking? Thinking about being with Alex? About dumping me for him?"
"No!"
"You'd rather have his body on top of yours? His hands touching you like mine do? Would you rather have his dic…" And that's the first time I'd ever smacked anyone before.
My hand stung and Tucker didn't look at me, but his face was turned away, and his lips were pressed together in a hard line, my hand print already showing up on his cheek. But when he finally did look back at me, his eyes were filled of pure hate and anger; it was something I hadn't seen in Tucker, yet. His pupils were dark like a storm just clouded over.
I pointed at him. "You do not get to talk to me that way. I already have to deal with Carol's smartass bullshit remarks, but you do not get to say things like that to me. Ever!"
Tucker backed away from me, finally letting me go. Could you blame him? I just smacked him. But he did not get to talk to me like that. I expected it from Carol, but not from him. We stared at each other as he walked back and out of my sight. I let out a choked sob as soon as I heard the front door slam shut and I collapsed into my bed again.
I didn't hear from Tucker. On the nights I was alone, I laid on the couch, crying. Flipping through Rachel's stack of chick flick movies, I put in the heartbreaking Titanic movie. I loved it. The classical music and the love that Rose had for Jack killed my insides, reminding me of Tucker and me in the same situation. I cried more when Jack died and Rose was left alone, but making a promise to live and fulfill her dreams without him. I rubbed my tattoo of my gorgeous ballet slippers and scriptwriting o
f the one school I wanted more than anything.
It had been a week since I'd smacked Tucker. I was so concentrated on working with Madame Ava and my Sugar Fairy Routine. I paid more attention in class and to Madame Ava's every word. I stayed later than everyone after class was over. Jon was my lift partner in a couple of scenes for another part. I was walking out of my practice room when Jon came up to me.
"Hey Abigail. I was wondering if you have a ride home."
"I actually don't live too far from here, so I'll just walk," I said, slinging my ballet bag over my shoulder. "Thanks though." I smiled, walking around him, then collided with Jasmine instead.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, McCall? Tucker dumped you and now you want Jon? You sure do get around."
My brows shot up. "What are you talking about?"
Jasmine's brown irises were nothing but mean as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Ethan told me Tucker dumped your ass."
I let out a little laugh, "Ha, don't believe everything Ethan tells you." I turned and walked away, but that didn't stop Jasmine from pushing me once my back was turned. I lost my balance by getting tangled up in my baggy sweats, landing hard on my hands and knees. I picked myself up pretty fast before she could do anything else humiliating to me. I turned to go after her, but someone held my ballet strap that was still attached to my arm.
"You've got some nerve, Jas," Tucker said as he came up from behind me. How long had he been here?
Jasmine took a couple of steps away from me. "Tucker, she was being quite rude to me. Again I might add that you have a poor choice in girls. "
He walked past me, past Jon and stood right in front of Jasmine. "You don't touch her, you don't look at her, and you don't go near her. You understand me?" Tucker growled at her. She shrieked back away from him.
"Yeah, got it."
He pointed at her. "You remember that when your mom wants to contact me or Ethan. Got it?"
She nodded her head so fast that her hair started to come loose.
Tucker didn't even give a sort of glance as he turned and left me in the hallway, which was the last time I saw Tucker for a while.
"Abigail, it's your turn," Madame Ava said to me in the giant auditorium of the Lincoln Center. The Nutcracker was the biggest performance of the Christmas Season. Not only did scouts come, but also producers from actual ballets on Broadway. This was my time to really shine. Not only was Madame Ava sitting at a little table in the audience, two other judges sat with her to help make a decision. She told all of us to get used to it, because we would have to face dancing in front of other judges all the time in the near future.
My stomach turned a little as I stepped out from my third position in line at the barre. Yes, I did make it to third in line. The line started with Jasmine, Jon and then me. Once I was in front of the class, I got up en pointe, and with my hands raised above my head, I started my sweet solo of the Sugar Plum Fairy. I did every turn with elegance and didn't hear my feet once on the wooden stage. I stretched my legs at the right time; I bent my knees at the exact time with the music. I turned slowly, leaped elegantly, and finished my triple pirouette just perfectly.
When I was done, I smiled to the judges and walked back to the barre. My nerves were shooting through my body so badly, I felt like I had to throw up, but I remember Tucker's words to just breathe.
Always. Just. Breathe.
That helped a little bit, but the feeling was too strong; it was coming – opening of the throat and there it was. I ran out of the room to the nearest garbage and heaved it all up – my nerves, my anxiety – everything. I quickly wiped my face, used the restroom to wash out my mouth, and went back into the auditorium.
"You alright, Abigail?" Madame Ava asked in the microphone. I just nodded and the auditions went on. Three more hours went by and we had to perform our solos again. Madame Ava explained we would have to do that sometimes in certain auditions. My stomach settled down enough to do mine again, and I remembered to breathe.
"All of you did an outstanding job. Go sit out in the hallway and we will call you out one by one for your parts. Remember, everyone will get a part in The Nutcracker, but we have chosen who would suit the best parts, okay?"
"Yes, Madame Ava," we called out as a class.
Once out in the hallway, I sat up against the wall and shut my eyes. I had the worst taste in my mouth. I rested my arms up on my bent knees and held my breath. This audition meant more to me than Swan Lake. This dance was so special to me as it was my favorite and Shannon's as well. I thought of my birth mother more and more the longer I attended Juilliard. My dad told me she loved ballets, which was something he always admired about her. I really wish she was here to support me.
"Abigail McCall?"
I looked up to see Madame Ava staring at me with a clipboard in her hands. I followed her back to the stage as she took her seat with the other judges. I started to fidget and shift from foot to foot. Madame Ava raised a brow and I stopped. I let out a rush of air through my nose and held my head high.
Then suddenly, I saw someone sit up straight in the back of the room. He had his gray hood on, hidden from view of everyone else, but he was here. Tucker. He was here. He came to watch me. He slouched down in the chair, pulled his hood off and ran his long fingers through his hair – that wild mess that I missed so much.
"Abigail, we would like for you to perform for us again," Madame Ava announced.
I nodded, "Yes, Madame Ava."
My slow music that I practiced to filled the auditorium. Bending my left leg while my right stuck out, I formed my arms in front of me like a circle. My fingertips touched each other and that's when I took off. My turns and pirouettes were perfect. My feet didn't crash loudly against the floor, and when I stepped en pointe, I did it with classiness. I remembered to smile for my judges while my head was held high and my back as straight as it could go. I closed better than I had practiced and I was very proud of myself. My music stopped and I walked back to the center of the stage. Watching the judges write some notes down, Madame's eyes never left mine. She broke contact with me when she was given a piece of paper.
Madame Ava stood up. "Abigail, we wanted to let you know the part you get in The Nutcracker is…" She stopped and studied my face. I had butterflies like crazy; I felt as if my stomach was in one giant knot. I tried my best to stay still as she continued to stare at me. "The main Sugar Plum Fairy."
And that's when the tears came. My hands covered my face as I silently cried. I did it. I freaking did it. I took my hands from my face and watched Tucker stand up from his spot and start clapping. The judges looked over their shoulders back at him, wide-eyed.
"WOO HOO!" Tucker jogged down the main aisle, climbed the little staircase to the stage and swept me into his arms to spin me around and round. I took in his scent that I missed so much – cigarettes and leather filled my nostrils. Tucker was here. I was so happy right now. I met his blue eyes and lightly kissed his lips. He went stiff at first, and then gladly kissed me back, hugging me tighter.
Madame Ava excused us. Tucker took my ballet bag and we walked home, hand in hand. I couldn't stop smiling. I got the part I wanted. I worked so hard for it. I deserved it. I glanced up at Tucker – my sweet Tucker who I missed so much the last couple of weeks, and then I remembered the horrible thing I did to him. I stopped mid-stride and pulled him to me. I had to make it right between us so we could be happy again. I wanted him.
"Tucker, I'm so sorry about hitting you."
He shook his head. "Gabs, stop." I put my hand up to cover his mouth.
"Please, just listen to me. Okay?" He nodded so I took my hand away. "What I did was wrong. I shouldn't have smacked you. I know you were upset with me. My dad said some things that made me stop and think. It has nothing to do with Alex, I promise." Tucker's eyes softened and I could tell he wanted to say something, but I continued before he could. "My dad told me that I was too young to be in love, but during our time apart, I felt miserable wi
thout you. You don't know how much it meant to me to see you there today. I loved having you there, Tuck. I always want you there."
My last sentence came out more like a squeak. I couldn't help but be miserable being away from him. Tucker stepped up to me and cupped my cheek.
"I'm an ass, Gabs. A total asshole for the things I said to you. I deserved what I got. It's just, Alex has everything he can give you, and I don't have anything. I don't even have a place you can stay at, or visit me. Nothing. I have nothing. You get that, right?"
My sight started to get blurry from his heartbreaking words to me. "That's not true, Tuck. You can always stay with me. You love me, that's enough for me. And I promise you, you won't lose me to Alex."
"You won't see him again?"
I didn't hesitate. "No," I said, shaking my head. Tucker didn't waste any time taking my mouth in a hungry kiss. We kissed as if we couldn't get enough, eating each other alive and putting all our passion into it. It was from all the time we were apart.
Tucker and I made nothing but sweet love to each other the rest of the weekend. We only stopped to eat, use the bathroom and then shower together. Jett had to pull Tucker away Sunday night because a tattoo client who refused to get tattooed by Jett. I went with him and sat by his side, just watching him work his magic on the skin. This client wanted a giant chest piece done, wanting it to look like his insides were falling out. Not my kinda of style, but Tucker's work was gorgeous as always. Tucker made the guy get up every once in a while to take a break. I sat in Tucker's lap as the guy smoked outside. Tucker's masterpiece was finally finished; he looked in the mirror and was in awe of Tucker's work.
"Tucker man, you've got serious talent. This is exactly how I pictured it on my skin, man."
The guy gave Tucker a huge tip and that was when Tucker's client list took off. Jett always had the shop open, but he told Tucker by state law, he couldn't hire him, yet; he had to have two years of apprenticeship with so many hours included. Tucker was getting frustrated and upset every time he didn't make any money while doing something he loved. He told me that he had already been apprenticing for a year and a couple months, with about five months left. Jett gave him what he could, but there were still times where Tucker had to leave me to go with Jeremiah and Brad. Whenever we saw Jeremiah, Tucker would hide me or tell me to walk the other way. He would never tell me why or what was said between them. They would talk and I would end up by myself. I would be mad at Tucker when I turned and saw him walking away from me, seeing him head towards Jeremiah instead. Of course Tucker always said just the right thing to sweet his way back into my bedroom and snuggle up with me at night.
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