"Tucker," I delicately said to him. I could feel his hot breath hitting my face; my eyes started to water as I watched the father of my possibly little baby struggle with what to say to me.
"What are you doing with him?" he growled out at me.
"I had to come, Carol set me…" But Tucker wouldn't let me finish,
"Are you always going to do what Carol says? I remember you telling me that you don't give a rat's ass what Carol wants you to do. Yet, here you are, having lunch with that asshole, Alex." Tucker pointed towards the front of the alleyway.
"It's not that easy, Tucker. I'm torn,"
Right when that one little word left my mouth, I knew it was a huge mistake. I wasn't torn, not at all. My body, heart and soul wanted only Tucker. So what did I mean when I said that?
I tried stepping towards Tucker; I had to tell him about the baby to get him to understand, but my feet were frozen to the ground and I couldn't move. Why couldn't anyone just let us be together? Something was always pushing us apart. Tucker made me so happy. He knew about my bulimia and helped me with it. Whenever I felt that wretched discomfort coming up my throat, I would turn to him and he would talk to me about how I was feeling. He was there; he would always have my heart, no matter what.
"Tucker, I…" I stuttered at my own words.
"I can't do this anymore, Gabs," Tucker whispered, but I couldn't stand not being close to him. I stepped closer until I felt my shoes hit the tip of his. My forehead inched until it hit his chest. I could feel his heart beating against my head, his breath flowing down the back of my jacket. The wind picked up with an cold icy breeze, and when I tilted my head up to look at Tucker, my eyes watched as snow started to fall.
Snowing while the sun now peeked out was a favorite of mine. "Ha, it's snowing, Tuck," I said. A tear slowly slipped down my cheek and he brushed it away with the tip of his finger.
"Yeah, it is."
Suddenly I felt my heart get warm with the way he was looking down at me. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes. I always found myself lost in them. Tucker leaned down to kiss me. I loved when he would take control to kiss me deeper. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist as I pushed up on my toes to be at his level. I couldn't get close enough to him; my hands went straight into his hair and I pulled lightly, making him groan into my mouth.
"Gabs, I want you so bad," Tucker said breathlessly as shivers ran through my body. I wanted him, too.
"You have me, Tucker, only you."
Then I slammed my lips back to his. My words were very true. I wanted Tucker more than anything. He was right there with my ballet; that's all I wanted. He pulled away from me to look deep into my caramel eyes. More snow started to fall, causing me to shiver, I didn't know how it was possible, but he managed to pull me closer to him.
"Come back with me." I dropped my forehead to his, our noses touching as he softly kissed my lips.
"I can't, Tuck."
"Ugh, why not?"
"I have to go back and talk with Alex. I'll tell him again that I don't want to be with him; I've told him enough that he should finally get the hint this time around. I promise to meet you later. Tomorrow is the last show of The Nutcracker, you coming? I have to talk to you about something."
He pulled away from me and I fisted my hands in his shirt to keep him closer. "I don't know, Gabs," he said as he scratched the back of his head. "Will Alex be there?"
I couldn't lie to him; whenever I had a show and my parents came, Carol always dragged Alex along.
"Probably yes." He pulled all the way away from me this time.
"Damnit, Gabs. No!"
Unshed tears stung my eyes. "I'm not going to fight with you about this."
"Just go back to Alex, Gabs. I'll see you later."
Tucker turned on his heel and left the alleyway. I covered my face with my hands and cried into them as the snow slowly fell around my feet. I couldn't chase after him now, even though my heart protested otherwise. I made my way back into the restaurant and to Alex's table. I felt so nauseous to my stomach, feeling like I was going to lose it all over again. Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat, making me squirm as I looked up at him. He blue eyes were hard and fierce with anger that I had left, which wasn't very lady like on my part.
"Where did you go?" Alex asked.
"I saw someone outside who I had to talk to." The waiter brought out food to our table. Laying down my napkin, I took a sip of my untouched water and started pitching my lettuce with my fork.
"Who?" Alex pushed at me, but I stayed silent. He knew it was Tucker; he just wanted me to admit it out loud. "I know it was him, Abigail. That Tucker guy you think you love."
My head snapped up. "I do love him, Alex. I don't know how many times I have to tell you it's him that I want. Not you."
"He can't take care of you, Abigail, he's just…"
"You and I, we can't be together. I love him, not you," I said to him but he ignored my words and continued on talking to me about the firm and a case he was working on with my dad. They were taking on a really big case with some drug dealers in the city. I sat there, motionless in my seat; I poked at my food, wishing Tucker was here with me instead. I couldn't stand being away from him or us fighting; I just wanted him to hold me. Was that too much to ask? Alex finished his food and I barely touched my salad. I did, however, eat the banana peppers, which tasted so good to me.
Alex cleared his throat, "Abigail, are you listening to a word I'm saying to you?"
I stuffed another pepper in my mouth. "No, sorry."
"I said, I want to take you to Paris when you're done with school in June," he stated again and I almost choked on the pepper seeds.
Taking a sip of water, I said, "You want to take me to Paris?"
He nodded at me while taking a gulp of his water, and then smoothed out the tablecloth as I shifted painfully in my seat. "Why Paris?" As I met his gaze, he smiled, his blue eyes fierce and hard but sparkling in the light – but not as much as Tucker's did when he smiles, with the sunlight hitting his face, while he's smoking and shirtless.
Ha, what a dream.
"I talked with your father and he's given me his blessing for us to get married,"
"What?" My fork clattered on my plate, "Married? I don't want to get married, Alex."
"Yes, you do, every girl does," He shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.
"Well, sometime in the future, yes, but right now, no."
I couldn't even think about getting married, especially to Alex. I could be pregnant with Tucker's baby for crying out loud; there was no way I could deal with this. I quickly stood to my feet, almost knocking over my chair backwards if it wasn't for the waiter passing behind me.
"I can't get married to you, Alex, I don't love you."
"I don't love you, either, but I think we could fall in love at some point." Alex claimed, wiping his mouth with the white napkin. I couldn't believe he just said that. No girl or woman would ever go for that type of thing. Plus, he's trying to force me into the situation. This has Carol written all over it – pushing Alex on me like this when he didn't want to marry me anyway.
Where in the hell was all this coming from? All I knew was that I had to have some words with Carol and I had to find Tucker. Like, now!
I found Jade in her room when I got home, headphones on with not a care in the world, but my world was crashing down around me, and I needed her. I collapsed on her bed, but totally missed the edge and fell on the floor with a loud thud.
"Ouch," I cried.
I stayed on the floor as Jade leaned over to look at me, pulling out her earphones, "What's the matter?"
Grabbing a piece of hair to run my fingers through, I then started braiding the little piece and quietly mumbled out, "I think I'm pregnant." I shut my eyes, waiting for her to answer. Counting to five in my head, I peeked up at her. She was so still, like a statue staring off in the distance.
Whispering "Jade" finally got her to blink a couple of times and look at me.
"Umm, have you told Tucker?"
I shook my head against the comforter and kicked off my shoes to curl my knees up under my butt. "Carol called me to have me meet her. Alex was there instead and Tucker saw. He got mad and left, I chased him down, and he left me in the alleyway and I went back to Alex and…"
"You dumbass. What's wrong with you? You know you're blowing it with Tucker by hanging around Alex, right?" I stood up and lay on Jade's bed.
I nodded my head, making my hair go staticky. Of course I knew that and it killed me. Why wouldn't the world just leave us alone so we could be happy? Just have everyone shut the hell up.
"I've been around the shop with Jett when Tucker is there; all he talks about is you. About how beautiful you are. Your hair, your eyes." I silently cried in the white comforter. I was becoming such a cry baby. I really needed to stop. "Why are you still laying here?"
I glanced up at Jade who had a smug look on her face. "Don't look at me like that. Get. Out."
Jade pushed me off her bed and my butt hit the floor. Hard.
"Ow, Jade," I whined.
"Get outta here and go find him. Right now. Don't blow this with him. He's a great guy, someone who balances the two of you just right. Now go and don't come back until you've told him."
Jade was right. I had to tell him; he had a right to know. Even if he was mad at me. He's the only one I've been with; I couldn't keep this from him. I should have told him while we were in the alleyway.
I headed straight for Central Park. I would try there first to see if I could find the green house. That's where I knew he went with Ethan. I pieced that together myself. I half walked, half ran down a pathway when Tucker came out of the trees, looking very much pissed off. I screamed, almost falling backwards.
"Tucker. How did you find me?" I asked as I brushed hair out of my face.
He pulled out a pack of cigarettes to light one up. "I followed you."
I watched him blow smoke out around him; he was somewhat hidden behind the soft cloud and I couldn't make out his expression. "Why were you following me?"
"Because I don't like Alex. I knew you were going to go to him sooner or later."
My heart started to break. "Tucker, I've told you. I don't want him. When are you ever going to see that?" And then Tucker blew up.
"All you want is Alex. You don't fucking want me, all you want is him! I saw you two together! Your face fell when I caught you red-handed."
I had to remember to breathe. "Tucker, how could you say that? You know how much I want to be with you. I'll only choose you; I fell in love with you. Alex only means something to Carol, not me," I yelled at the end, my fingers hitting his chest out of anger.
When was he really going to get this through his thick skull? I really only wanted Tucker in my life. I felt whole being around him. He never pressured me. I watched Tucker pace back and forth in front of me. He took a couple of puffs and stopped pacing. His face tilted up to the afternoon sky and he breathed out, smoke coming out of his nose like a fire breathing mad dragon.
Right now, I don't even have the nerve to tell him about the baby. I couldn't bear it if he didn't believe me. Deep down, I knew that he would. I was such a chicken.
"Tucker," I managed to squeak out. I stepped towards him, but he stepped back, not meeting my face.
"Gabs, you want to be with me, but I can't if Alex is prancing away in front of my face. You know Carol doesn't like me and yet you still hang around me." He eyes burned into mine and he took one step towards me. Tears were falling down my icy cold cheeks and his thumb caressed the watery trails away. "I'm sorry, but I can't be with you if Alex is in the picture."
I let out a big breath against his palm, "Are you breaking up with me?" My heart slowly started to break, piece by piece and my guard started to build up around it. Just like I would do around Carol when I would disappoint her, I would just go into a different world, alone. I glanced up at Tucker, his face hard as stone as he thought about what I just asked him. Our bodies were so close together and my body just reacted like normal, fisting my hands in his shirt. I can't help my body as I push up on my toes and softly kiss his mouth, but there's no passion in the little kiss. His lips were set in a hard line, his hands coming up to give me a little push on my shoulders, making me step away from him.
"I'm sorry, Abigail, we can't be together. I can't see it happening. It's just not gonna work."
Shaking my head, I said, "You don't mean it,"
"Yes, I do. I can't give you the fucking life you live! We're not good together anyway. You're spoiled daddy's girl who gets everything handed to her left and fucking right. I can't stand people like that! I never had much money and I still don't, but what I have is a start and it's not going anywhere near you!"
My jaw dropped. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't want you!" he screamed as his hot angry breath hit my face, blowing my hair back.
That did it; my heart just shattered into a million tiny pieces and it could never be fixed again. Tucker didn't want me. The first guy I fell in love with didn't want me. Carol was right; even my dad warned me about Tucker not staying with me.
"He doesn't believe in our world, Abigail."
I started backing away from him, his breaths were harsh to my ears. Some joggers rushed past us as I quickly turned around and started running away from him. I expected Tucker to call out for me that he made a huge mistake, but he didn't; he let me run. I came out of our hiding spot in Central Park and raced to my building. Michael didn't have time to even open the main door for me.
"Miss Abigail?" he called out, hanging up the desk phone, but I ignored him.
The elevator dinged open as I made my way inside in too big of a rush and crashed into the people coming out.
"You alright, my dear?" An elderly lady asked me, but I couldn't answer. I just needed to put as much distance between me and Tucker as possible. I hated him right now. I couldn't believe he actually thought I would go with Alex. Alex was boring, not me. I couldn't even tell Tucker about the baby – our baby. My hands went to my stomach and more tears cascaded down my face. I felt so alone. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Would Carol force me to get an abortion like her dad made her? I couldn't do it. I was so much stronger than that. I didn't care if it destroyed my ballet career that I so desperately wanted. It was my dream to be doing this, but I couldn't kill something that we created together.
The elevator dinged and I stumbled off. I opened the door to the apartment to Jade and Jett on the couch. He had his acoustic guitar on his lap, playing for Jade while she sang to him. They both looked at my teary eyed face. Just seeing them sitting there like a cute couple made me sick, and I raced to my shared bathroom and threw up. I heard the door click shut and small, very familiar hands started rubbing my back.
"You didn't tell him, huh?"
I just cried into the toilet like I had many times before.
"Are you sure you're even pregs, Gabs? Maybe it's just stress. You know how you get when Carol upsets you."
"I'm six weeks late, Jade. Tucker was so pissed at me that Alex was coming tomorrow with my dad and Carol. He said, "I see the way you look at him. You want him." I couldn't finish telling Jade the awful things he said to me. I flung my body on the cold tile floor, not caring if it was dirty or not.
"I know Rachel has a pregnancy test in her drawer."
Jade went into Rachel's room and came right back with it already unwrapped.
"Here, pee on it and we'll know for sure,"
Jade thrust the white stick in front of my face. I unzipped my pants and sat on the toilet with Jade still in the room. I didn't care that she was with me. I clicked the cap back on, flushed and sat the test on the counter while I washed my hands.
"What's Rach doing with a pregnancy test?" Drying my hands, I turned and faced Jade, too afraid even to glance down at the devil white stick that held my pee.
Jade shrugged. "Meh, had to go buy one the first night
you slept with Tucker. Remember when she came home that night and ran past us while we were outside?"
I nodded.
"Well, she was late and totally flipped out. She told Brad and they got in some big fight but my guess that it was stress. She got her period a couple of days later."
Oh poor Rachel. I had no idea she went through something like that and I didn't know. I would have been there for her if she would have needed me. Three long minutes of my life passed by and Jade just held my hand and waited.
Jade pulled out her phone. "It's time."
"I can't look," I said, covering my face with my hands.
"Come on, Gabs, if you're going to have a baby, then you can't be the baby. Now look." Jade shoved me over and I looked down to see the two blue lines.
Positive.
Even though I already knew, I was still shocked. I started breathing too much; it was too much. I couldn't control it. I was hyperventilating so bad, I was starting to get a panic attack. Tears spilled over my hands as they ran down my face as I screamed.
"Hey, hey, hey, Gabs, Look at me." But I couldn't look at her. I was so shocked about this. It was true. I was pregnant – nineteen and pregnant.
My cries were now loud as I screamed in the bathroom. Jade pulled me into her arms to let me cry on her shoulder. We huddled together on the bathroom floor until the sun went down and I passed out on Jade's lap on the dirty bathroom floor.
I woke up still on the bathroom floor, my head still resting on Jade's lap. I glanced up at Jade, moving slowly so I wouldn't wake her. She looked so at peace with her eyes closed and resting her head against the cabinets. I was so emotionally tired from all the crying, and I was sure the pregnancy as well was making this huge mess. I walked back into my room, digging through my purse, finding my phone to plug it in. With some hope, I wished Tucker would try to get a hold of me. But my phone showed no sign of him trying to reach me at all. My heart broke a little more. A part of me wanted to call him, scream at him, yelling that I was pregnant at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't. I heard groaning coming from the bathroom and the front door closing at the same time.
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