by Anise Eden
The need to be close to him poured through me like warm honey. Ben spread his knees apart as I slid closer, leaning into the cot and combing my fingers through his hair, careful to avoid his injury as I gripped the back of his head. We had both finally declared our love, and I felt it in the way he kissed me—the sense of wonder, the quiet confidence that he was mine and I was his. I never wanted it to end.
His fingertips slid down the sides of my neck to my shoulders. His hands made their way to my waist, which he gripped with unexpected strength. He stood and lifted me to my feet, his mouth never leaving mine. A soft moan emanated from somewhere deep inside of me, and my hands grasped at him, wanting to touch him everywhere at once. He held me so close against him that I had to settle for digging my nails into his shoulder blades. I heard him grunt softly as I pressed myself against the hard muscle of his chest. The center of my universe was the exact spot where his lips devoured mine, and nothing existed beyond our two bodies. There was only the languorous sensation of his mouth claiming my expression of love, his form stamping its shape onto mine, and the heat of his skin searing mine, even through the cotton of my pajamas.
I placed my foot between his feet, sliding my leg up along the inside of his. We love each other, I thought. Nothing else matters. But as soon as my thigh reached the bottom of his boxer shorts, Ben’s whole body froze.
No, I thought, mewling desperately into his mouth. But Ben used his leg to gently push mine aside. He wrapped one arm around my back and the other under my knees, lifting me up and carrying me over to the bed.
The brief thrill of hope I felt died quickly as he laid me down on the covers and pulled his mouth away from mine. He just stood next to the bed, looking down at me. My body went weak with disappointment. Letting go of Ben, my arms flopped to my sides, and I turned my head away from him. My mouth felt abandoned, my body betrayed.
Finally, he spoke. “The answer is, I don’t know.”
My frustration spiked. “You don’t know what?”
“I don’t know where I keep finding the willpower to stop myself from making love to you, every moment of every day.” Desire infused his voice, making my blood heat up all over again. “It has something to do with wanting what’s best for you, wanting you to be able to get the most you can from your training, wanting to make sure that you’re as prepared as you can be for everything that’s to come. But how that part of me manages to dominate the part of me that wants to make you dissolve into pleasure over and over again, I have no idea.”
His words affected me even more profoundly than his kisses. Keeping my face turned away from his, I folded my arms across my chest, trying quite literally to hold myself together. “That’s not helping.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. But I felt it was important for you to know that in spite of how it may seem, following the program rules isn’t easy for me, either.”
I knew what he was saying, and I appreciated his intentions, but I didn’t want to acknowledge that just yet. My body still felt the sting of rejection. I remained as I was and focused on trying to breathe rather than pant.
The mattress dipped as Ben sat next to me.
“That’s very daring of you,” I remarked.
“I know, but I want to ask you about something.”
“What?”
“Why were you afraid that I’d stopped breathing?”
“Oh.” I frowned. “I just…I had a bad dream.”
“Hmm.” I heard him rub the rough surface of his jaw. “About what?”
I flashed back to my mother and our perfect day at the beach…the child coughing up water…my mother’s arms holding me as I trembled. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“You sure? It might help.”
As much as I didn’t want to relive it, I knew that he was right. “It was just—my mom was there. And then she wasn’t.” I shrugged. “I know she’s gone, but she does come to me in my dreams sometimes. Which is great, but when she leaves…that part never gets any easier.”
“I’ll bet.” His hand came to rest on the small of my back. “I’m sorry, Cate.”
“Thank you.”
We sat together in silence for a while. Ben seemed to recover from our kissing session more quickly than I did, but with concentration, I too was eventually able to return myself to a somewhat normal physiological state. My frustration ebbed as I ran over Ben’s words in my mind—his confession that he wanted me as much as I wanted him and that his self-control came from a place of deep caring. I could hardly fault him for that.
I rolled onto my side, facing him. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“I’m not. I couldn’t be happier about it, in fact.”
“But you need your rest.”
“You said you’re in love with me,” he said softly. “That’s all I need.”
My eyes closed as my heart swelled. It was too perfect—so perfect that I knew I’d spend the rest of the night lying awake, staring at the ceiling, worrying about losing him.
I felt his fingertips trace a line down my temple. “What is it?”
Opening my eyes again, I looked up at his face—his perfectly Ben face, the face of the man I loved. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to fall back to sleep.”
He nodded. “Insomnia?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what helps?” He smiled. “Want me to get you some ice cream?”
I couldn’t help smiling back, remembering that night when we’d only known each other for a couple of days, and Ben was guarding my house, and I’d been unable to sleep. I’d had ice cream, but he had refused any—then confessed his phobia of eating in front of other people. That had turned out to be a memorable night. But the emotions keeping me up this time were too agitating. Ice cream wasn’t going to do it.
I knew what would help, though. “There is one thing that always works,” I ventured, “but I’m not sure you’re going to want to do it.”
“Why not?”
I blushed hard, reluctant to bring up my former friends-with-benefits, but feeling obligated to do so. Finally I confessed, “Because Sid used to do it.”
There was a moment of hesitation from Ben—whether from surprise, or jealousy, or what, I didn’t know—but it was just a moment. Then he said, “Cate, if it works, we’re doing it. What is it?”
And all at once, I wanted to kiss him again. But if we started, that would go on for ages, and I wanted him to get back to sleep as soon as possible. And I knew he wouldn’t go back to sleep until I was asleep. “Okay, if you say so.”
“I do.”
“It would probably help if you sat on the bed and held me until I fell asleep.”
Before I even finished my sentence, Ben was in motion. He lifted me up and moved me to the middle of the bed, then climbed in and sat with his back against the headboard. He pulled me into his lap, cradling me and helping me shift into a comfortable position. “Is this good?”
I closed my eyes and smiled. Curled upon the bed, half of me resting on top of Ben, his bare arms wrapped around me… “Good isn’t the word,” I sighed.
“All right, then.” He leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on my temple—then, without even having to be asked, began stroking my hair. “I’m staying awake until you’re asleep, so you better get started.”
I placed a kiss on his sheet-covered knee. “Sleeping now.”
“I’m in love with you too, Cate,” he whispered.
My whole body fluttered with pleasure. “I know,” I whispered back, awestruck by the power and simplicity of that exchange. Within moments, I sank into a warm and dreamless sleep.
Chapter Sixteen
ParaTrain Internship, Day Ten
Kai and I sat cross-legged, facing one another on the flat stone circle in the middle of the Zen meditation garden. We’d asked Owen where we could go for some privacy, and he’d pointed us toward the large, round garden-within-a-garden that was carefully designed as a walking maze. The brick tile walkway was laid
out in spiraling circles leading to the center. It was edged with large stones and small, fern-like plants. Owen explained that walking the garden was supposed to aid in meditation, but he admitted that it was only ever used by a few groups of Buddhists who came to Mercier for summer day trips. He guaranteed that we wouldn’t be interrupted—and added that we were in the “safe zone,” far away from the hunting areas, so we wouldn’t get shot, either.
We’d gone to breakfast as a group, with Ben making a point to show that he was hale and hearty in spite of the paintball incident. Pete and Ben were quick to spot a new group of guests in the dining room. There were six men dressed in black athletic gear with some kind of gold logos on their shirts. Every one of them was huge, like massive brick walls challenging the strength of the dining room chairs. Pete nodded in their direction and asked Skeet who the rugby team was.
“They would make a good rugby team, wouldn’t they?” Skeet chuckled. “That’s the security detail for some of our new guests, a group of businessmen from Russia.”
“What kind of business are they in?” Asa asked, casting a wary look at their table.
“They do quite a variety of things,” Skeet said. “You’ll learn more this afternoon. They’ll be part of our demonstration.”
Skeet explained that Team Forward would be in the domed conference room, and we would be watching the demonstration on a live feed video in the movie viewing room. With everyone’s curiosity piqued, Skeet then invited us to spend the morning exploring the game room, which featured pool, ping pong, and video games. He promised there was zero chance of injury, and in keeping with our goal to look like innocent recreational guests, we accepted his offer—with the exception of Kai and me. Kai begged off, claiming that he was an amateur botanist and would like to tour the gardens. He said that I should come along, too, since this was my place now and I should know what grew there. Kai had that sort of presence that made people reluctant to contradict him, so even though we got some questioning looks, Skeet arranged for Owen to take us out.
Kai ran up to his room to gather a blanket and a couple of other small items. Once we were in the Jeep, he explained to Owen that while we’d love a tour of the gardens, what we really needed was some time alone to do a cleansing ritual to treat my insomnia. He told Owen we hadn’t told anyone else, not wanting them to be concerned. Fortunately, Owen had witnessed my insomnia firsthand and had seen Ben in full worry mode, so he understood immediately. Also, with Skeet and his research subjects around, Owen had enough familiarity with the “woo-woo” that he didn’t bat an eyelash at the concept of a cleansing ritual. He swallowed Kai’s fabrication hook, line, and sinker, and agreed without hesitation to keep our secret.
As Owen drove us to the Zen meditation garden, I stared out at the passing landscape—forest, outbuildings, fields with hedgerows—and let my mind wander back to the exquisite moment that morning when I’d awakened to find myself still in Ben’s lap. Apparently, he’d fallen asleep in my bed, collapsing sideways onto a bank of pillows. I was lying with my body positioned between his outstretched legs and my head resting on his stomach.
I’d never felt anything so divine as being wrapped in Ben, inhaling his scent, which was trapped in the bedclothes—all while he was still sound asleep. It felt deliciously intimate. Longing spread through me, building like a crescendo—a desire to wake up just like that, surrounded by Ben, every morning for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to be anywhere else, ever, or do anything else. Well, maybe some other things, but only if they involved staying in bed with Ben.
I figured that the whack on the head he’d received must have still been affecting him if I’d awakened before he had. Ever so carefully, I had turned and shifted in micro-movements, trying not to disturb him. But in a few seconds, he was awake and alert, looking down at me with such intense affection that I thought he was going to take me into his arms right there.
Instead, he brushed a stray piece of hair off of my forehead and asked softly, “How did you sleep? Any more bad dreams?”
“No,” I admitted. “I slept beautifully.”
“Glad to hear it.” But after we stared into each other’s eyes for a few more moments, I could almost see his brain clicking into pragmatic mode. Shifting out from under me and throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he apologized for falling asleep there instead of returning to his cot. I curtly observed what an absurd thing that was to apologize for, and asked to look at his injury. He lifted his hand to feel it, and winced. After some hesitation, he let me examine it. Not that I had any medical training, but as softly as I could, I smoothed his hair away from the bump. Even I could see that both the swelling and the redness had gone down.
“It looks better, really.” I teased him, holding up three fingers and asking, “How many?”
He teased me back by kissing each fingertip, my eyelids, my cheek, the edge of my mouth…and then getting up and heading to the bathroom, casting a devilish look over his shoulder.
It was that look I kept picturing over and over in my mind during my Jeep ride with Kai and Owen. I knew I must have been grinning like a bear with her paw in a honey jar the whole ride over, but Kai opted to leave me undisturbed with my thoughts. He just kept shaking his head at me and smiling knowingly.
Once we arrived at the Zen garden, Kai adjusted the blanket he’d brought for us to sit on and pulled a tea light and matches out of his tote bag. Then he produced a cup-like candleholder made of rough crystals. A light fog clung to the ground, softening everything around us. Kai lightly drew his fingers across his forehead and down to his lips, looking at me intently. “You sure you want to do this, honey? Really sure?”
“Yes, I’m really sure.” Kai had warned me that the attempt to contact my parents’ spirits might result in disappointment, but I had to try. I had too many questions, and they were the only ones who could answer them.
“All right, then.” He took a deep breath, then released it and placed the tea light in the holder. “What I need you to do is—well, ordinarily, I’d ask you to say a prayer, but I still don’t know where you stand on that. So just try to concentrate on what your intentions are for this reading. Then send that intention out to God or the universe or nature, whatever feels right to you. Let me know when you’re done.”
“Okay.” I rested my hands on my knees and closed my eyes. What was my intention for contacting my parents? There were a million reasons I wanted to talk to them, but Kai had warned me that the spirits usually stayed for a limited period of time, and that I shouldn’t overwhelm them with too many things, instead focusing on one or two of the most relevant. I decided that I’d better find out what I could about our immediate concern, the situation at Mercier. I could always bug Kai to help me contact my parents again once we were safely home.
Mom, Joe, please help me, I thought, visualizing my words reaching them. I need guidance. What’s going on here, and what do you want us to do? Then I imagined the love I had for my mother flowing from my heart to hers, wherever she was. I didn’t know what else to send out to the universe, so I said, “Done.”
Kai lit the tea light, and the crystal cup flickered. “The candle is their invitation,” he explained. “It lets the spirits know I’m open for business.” Then he rested the backs of his hands on his knees, holding the tips of his forefingers and thumbs together to form circles. Kai pulled himself up into a straight posture with his head tilted slightly backwards. After a few moments, he said, “Oh, okay. Cate,” he said, “we have a visitor. Someone I know, but you don’t.”
I blinked. “What?” Then I remembered that Kai had told me anyone might come through, not necessarily who I asked for. “Um, who is it?”
“Hi, Malcolm,” Kai said. “Thank you for being with us today.” He opened his eyes. “Okay, Cate, so whatever intention you put out there, your mother felt she wasn’t the best person to address it.” As he spoke, Kai alternated between looking at me and looking up and to the side, as if speaking to the sky. “Joe can�
�t come through yet. He’s still working through his emotions about crossing over. Oh.” Kai nodded. “He didn’t shoot himself, after all; someone else pulled the trigger. His anger is blocking him.”
My stomach lurched. So my worst suspicion and Ben’s had been right: the hunting accident hadn’t been an accident, after all. “Does he say who did it?”
“No,” Kai said, “but Malcolm is here to address your questions. He says it’s nice to meet you. Cate, Malcolm is Ben’s father.”
“What?” Ben’s father? What was he doing there?
Kai rolled his eyes at me. “He’s asking why Ben isn’t here.” Then he looked up again. “Malcolm, Cate wanted to do this on her own. Yes, we’ll fill Ben in. What do you want to tell us?” He nodded slowly, eyes closed, and murmured, “Mm. Mm-hmm,” as though he were in fact responding to someone else’s voice. Experience had led me to believe in Kai’s abilities, but it still freaked me out to watch him in action. “Ah, okay. This has to do with that.” Finally, Kai opened his eyes and said, “Cate, Ben told you that a few weeks before you joined the MacGregor Group, Malcolm came to me for the first time. Malcolm predicted your arrival at the church, and he also said that we would all need to stick together, since we’d soon be facing a rising darkness. Apparently, that rising darkness is centered here. Mercier is the head of the snake, he says, and we’ve been sent here to deal with it, to cut off the head.”
“What?” I thrust my hands into my hair and gripped it by the roots. How could my father’s lodge possibly be related to predictions Malcolm’s spirit made weeks before I even knew Ben existed? A snake, a rising darkness? “Um, can he be a little more specific?”