“Don’t be. I’m not. I was forced by my mother to marry the woman, even though she was sickly and already almost lying on her deathbed. But now I’m free. Free to live life again. Free to marry whomever I want.”
Something about what he said irritated her a bit. Maybe it was his cold attitude about the woman he’d married, or the uncaring way he talked about her death. She couldn’t put her finger on exactly what, but all in all, something about him bothered her.
“What brings you to Gretna Green, Lord Dane?” Penelope asked politely, effectively ending the tension between Charmaine and her former beau. “Are you here to get married again?”
Lord Dane grinned toward Penelope, showering her with the brightness of his smile. “No, as a matter of fact I’m not. Not yet, at least.”
He sent Charmaine a quick look, and she understood he would have nothing against resuming what they once had shared. “I’ve friends, though, who are just married, and they have asked me to join them in celebrating the occasion.”
“How fortunate for us.”
He didn’t look at Penelope when answering, instead he smiled hotly toward Charmaine, who blushed in response. “I couldn’t agree more.”
“Take your hands off my wife.”
Sin’s cold voice cut through the warm bubble Lord Dane had created, and Charmaine blanched as she looked up at her husband.
He looked ready to kill. Gone was the levelheaded man of the last couple of weeks; in his stead the hateful avenger had returned with full force. Quickly Charmaine removed her hands from Lord Dane’s grip, but her former suitor didn’t notice—he was staring at Sin with confusion written all over his handsome face.
“Y-your wife?”
“My wife.”
“But…” Lord Dane seemed incapable of grasping what Sin had said and turned to stare at Charmaine. “You are married?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“To him?”
“Yes.”
“But you can’t be. Not now.”
“I’m sorry,” Charmaine whispered, and his eyes filled with pain.
“I thought you were going to wait for me.”
She looked at him with disbelief, unable to grasp such self-confidence. “Wait for you? Why should I have waited for you? I didn’t know…”
“You could have asked,” he interrupted. “But you never answered any of my letters, in which I tried to explain to you over and over again what had happened and why.”
Charmaine frowned. “Letters? What letters?”
“The letters I sent you every day for the first month, until I realized you didn’t intend to answer me.”
She looked at Penelope, who shook her head sadly, and she could have cried in despair. She had never received one single letter, and it was not hard to guess where those letters had ended up.
Lord Nester.
“Charmaine, it’s time for us to prepare for dinner,” Sin snapped, and she nodded slowly, not knowing what to say or think anymore.
What her stepfather had done to her was beyond wrong. He had without remorse selfishly declined Lord Dane’s proposal and sent the man away, to make sure Charmaine would stay single and unmarried until he was able to marry her himself. Then he had confiscated the letters Lord Dane sent her, letting her feel abandoned and unwanted.
“You never got the letters?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I had quite big hopes for my future. For our future… And now you are…”
Lord Dane looked up at Sin, his blue eyes turning as dark as her husband’s gray ones.
“You are one lucky man, Chilton. You have succeeded with what most of our gender only dreamt of, securing the hand of the Incomparable Queen.”
“Lucky indeed.” Sin’s voice icily echoed Lord Dane’s envious words.
“If you don’t mind my asking, how did you do it? How did you get past that father of hers? I never once managed to get her alone without one of her parents there as a chaperone.”
Why did it vex her that Lord Dane kept mentioning her beauty and her social status as the most sought-after young woman? Not once did he mention love, or having had any emotion for her at all. Was it the shock of finding she was lost to him forever, or had his love been no more than shallow?
Sin touched Charmaine’s arm lightly, telling her without words he wanted her to come with him. Obliging him, she grasped the arm he offered her.
“I’ve had no problems at all with her parents. Now, if you will excuse us, we have more important things awaiting us.”
Sin dismissed the gaping gentleman with a curt nod before beckoning Penelope to walk ahead of them as he propelled Charmaine out of the room. Numbly she went, leaving Lord Dane alone at the table to stare after them, seemingly devastated.
“I can’t believe this,” Penelope breathed as they reached their private salon. “He sent letters? But you never got any, did you?”
Charmaine let go of Sin’s arm as he stalked across the room and poured himself a large glass of port. “No. I didn’t.”
“How could he?”
Charmaine didn’t answer her sister, although she knew the answer.
Because he wants to marry me himself.
But she couldn’t say that out loud. She couldn’t let Penelope and Sin become aware of what an awful person she was, a person who had made her stepfather want her.
Chapter Eight
Sin poured himself another glass, which he finished in one gulp, and Charmaine noticed the telling vein at his temple pulsating. Her husband was furious with her, and she knew she was partly to blame.
Penelope had been right. She should have sent for him before Lord Dane joined them, just because of their history together. But she had been too caught in the moment. Meeting Lord Dane, the one man who had managed to touch her heart, had turned her whole world upside down.
He still wanted her, but now it was too late. Now she belonged to the angry man who stood by the fireplace, looking more like a menacing, dark demon than a loving, contented husband. Sin practically oozed anger as he stared into the fire, and she saw his jaw twitch over and over again.
“Charmaine, why don’t you join me in our bedroom? I would like to talk to you in private. If you’ll excuse us, Penny.”
It was an order and not a question. After sending the compassionate Penelope an apologizing look, Charmaine followed him into their bedroom. As soon as she’d closed the door behind her, he started to unknot his cravat, throwing it on the bed as he stalked across the room.
She walked over to the chair at desk, twitching her skirt between her fingers while waiting for him to acknowledge her. Not until he had removed his jacket and unbuttoned his shirt did he look at her, but not with anger as she had presumed. Instead he looked tired and worn as he dragged his fingers through his brown hair.
“Life never stops surprising you, does it?”
She shook her head. “No.”
“You shouldn’t have talked to him without me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Of course you are.” He snorted angrily, and she frowned at him, not appreciating his tone of voice. So she should have had her husband by her side when she met her old beau, but still… It wasn’t as if they had planned the meeting, or had it somewhere private. They had been in the inn, for goodness’ sake, in the midst of a chatting crowd, accompanied by her sister. What more could he ask of her, except for him being there?
“What do you mean? I am sorry for what happened.”
“You are always sorry for something. It seems to be your most employed word. Whatever you do or say, you always end up telling me you’re sorry afterwards. Honestly, it annoys me exceedingly to hear you say it time after time. You never explain yourself. You never acknowledge me or my opinion. The only thing you do is tell me you’re sorry. I’m so sick of it!”
She gaped at him, not understanding where this outburst came from. This was the first she’d heard of the problem, and yet it seemed to
have bothered him for quite some time.
You are always sorry for something.
As she looked at his frustrated face, she knew she was losing him again. Not that she’d had him in the first place, but she had at least been on the verge of turning their marriage into something good.
But it had only taken the appearance of Lord Dane to send them back to where they’d started, he furious and she devastated.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered before she could stop herself, and he shook his head with disgust.
“I’m sure you are. It must have felt like a punch in the stomach to you, finding out the love of your life is now available and all yours if you want him. Especially considering you were the one who made sure we had to marry just a few months ago. If you had bided your time…”
He sat down on the bed as though utterly fatigued and tired, and her heart went out to him. It hadn’t been the easiest of times for him, these last couple of months. His normal life had been turned upside down, and all because she had forced him into something he hadn’t asked for.
Something he didn’t want.
She had succeeded in forcing into marriage the only man who didn’t want her. Maybe it would have been easier for her to spend the rest of her life with someone who was awed by her and wanted her, but in that short second when she had to make up her mind whether to trip Sin or not, she had found him a good choice. And somewhere deep inside her she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
The strangest thing was that downstairs sat Lord Dane, the man she had thought was just what Sin had called him, the love of her life. And yet here she sat in the bedroom, looking at Sin, knowing in her heart she didn’t want life different. She didn’t want anyone but him.
Not even Lord Dane.
Sin made her feel safe. He made her feel whole. And as she stood there looking at him, she knew she didn’t want anyone else. But as long as she kept her secrets from him, he would never come to care about her. He had more than once made it perfectly clear to her that he needed the truth from her.
He needed her to confide in him.
As long as she didn’t, he couldn’t open up to her and trust her. The foundation for a solid marriage was mutual respect and trust, and she offered him neither. Maybe when Penelope was secure and out of reach of the evil that threatened her she could tell him everything and pray he would understand without blaming her too much for her stepfather’s wrongdoings.
“I don’t know how to continue,” he whispered hoarsely. “It’s not as if I didn’t know your heart belonged to him. But until now it wasn’t really a problem, because he was out of your life.”
“Lord Dane is still out of my life,” she said softly, searching for the right words. “I can’t change that I am married to you now, and I don’t want to, either.”
“How utterly encouraging of you,” he sneered, misunderstanding her completely. “I must say it really warms my heart to hear you admit you are married to me, because you can’t change it now. It almost beats hearing you admit you didn’t care whom you married.”
She blushed, embarrassed over what she had said on their wedding day. That hadn’t been her best moment, when she had unthinkingly admitted to him he hadn’t been her choice, that it was only opportunity that had made him the one. It hadn’t been completely true then, and now she knew it was a downright lie.
Sin was her choice. Subconsciously or not.
“But it did matter it was you,” she tried. “With you I can relax and let my guard down. It’s something I’ve never…”
“You feel relaxed with me?” He put his head in his hands, looking more and more defeated with every word he spoke. “My God, Charmaine, how can you even admit such a thing to me? Relaxed? I know you don’t love me, but I had hoped…” He took a deep breath. “After the kiss we…”
His voice trailed off and instead he chuckled quietly, a harsh, strangled noise, echoing the turmoil in his heart.
“How pathetic am I, who thought these last few weeks were actually making a difference in our marriage. I even nourished a silly wish about us building something everlasting between us. But once again I have succeeded in fooling myself. What we have together is not important to you, which becomes clearer the more I get to know you. You are the most self-centered person there is, and you always make sure it is about you. You feel relaxed? My God, woman…”
“But Sin…”
He held up a hand toward her. “Don’t. It’s no use. I have no wish to hear any more bad excuses from you.”
“But Sin, you have to…”
“Have to what? Let you rant on and on about how you feel and how sorry you are about everything? I don’t think so. I have much more important things to do than humoring you.”
He accused her of being self-centered? Had she not been so upset over not being able to reach him, to make him stay silent long enough for her to actually be able to finish a sentence, she would have laughed straight out. Probably hysterically.
Anger rose inside her, as she watched him sitting there on the bed, sulking over her being such an egotistical person.
“Don’t you have anything to say?” he asked, looking more like a pouting child than an adult, and her nostrils flared as she took a deep breath to calm herself.
She was so tired of this.
Why was she always the one to blame? It didn’t matter who or what it was regarding, it always seemed to be her fault. Frankly, she was sick and tired of always having to apologize to everyone about everything.
“Be quiet,” she hissed between her teeth, and he looked up, frowning.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me,” she hissed again, walking closer until she was just in front of his knees, so he had to bend his head backwards to be able to look into her eyes. “I asked you to be quiet.”
“Asked?” He snorted. “I would rather say you ordered me to be quiet. Not politely at all, I would say.”
She poked a finger hard on his chest and had the pleasure of seeing him wince. “You are supposed to be the quiet one, aren’t you? I find that very hard to believe, because ever since we got married you have been, when not ignoring me, nagging on and on and on constantly, and I’m so bloody tired of all your wrongful assumptions that I could strangle you with my bare hands!”
He stared at her, openmouthed, and she grabbed the opportunity now when she finally had his attention.
“I might be a bit self-centered, but so, my for-the-moment-not-so-dear husband, are you. Ever since we got married I’ve tried to bend to you so we could find a way to make this work, but it’s not possible for me to make amends with you because you have already decided who I am, and you won’t give me the benefit of any doubt.”
“How can you…”
“Shush!” she yelled, shoving him hard enough that he fell backwards onto the bed. “Please just be quiet for once. This time it is you who has to listen to me, whether you like it or not.”
She put her thumb in front of his nose.
“One: I am trying to work on this marriage too. I’ve been shutting my mouth so hard that my jaws ache, stopping myself saying something which will offend you, but it doesn’t matter, does it? No, because you have already decided you are very upset with me and therefore you won’t listen to me at all.”
He frowned at her and opened his mouth to say something, and unmerciful she held up her index finger, pointing it at him.
“Two: Yes, I am beautiful, something of which I am very much aware. But I don’t care about it, and never have. Actually, to be completely honest with you, most of my life I’ve wished I were homely, because my looks have never brought me anything but sorrow. It’s not my fault men consider themselves in love with me just because they think my looks astonishing. I haven’t forced them to stand there gawking at me, filled with their shallow feelings of love.”
She saw him blush slightly as she waved her middle finger in front of his face, near to poking his eyes out.
&nbs
p; “Three: I’m married to you. You, Sinclair Darling. Not Lord Dane or any other man. You.”
She took a step away from him, too tired to keep feeding the fire inside her. “If you can’t find it in you to meet me halfway, this marriage will never work. I can’t be doing all the bending, forever trying to be what you think I should be. I have done that my whole life, and for once I would like to be just me. Nothing but me.”
He sat up, looking at her with narrowing eyes.
“But you still want him, don’t you?”
She frowned, confused. “Who?”
“Lord Dane.”
She took another step back, not believing her ears. “Of all the things I’ve said to you that was the only thing you heard? Me mentioning Lord Dane?”
“You can’t get him out of your head, can you?” He sat up, scowling at her. “It doesn’t matter what I say or do, it always comes back to Lord Dane.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake.”
She threw her hands out in despair, feeling angrier than she ever had before. Or than she ever had let herself feel before. She had been angry a lot during the first twenty years of her life but had always had to push the feeling away, always put the lid firmly back on.
But this was Sin.
And for what it was worth, she hadn’t lied when she told him she could relax with him. It might not mean anything to him, but it did to her. And to be able to show your true feelings, to be able to be upset, was pure freedom, in her mind.
Her breast heaved as she watched him stand up without once letting his glaring eyes leave her person. He usually looked very proper and perfect, with not a wrinkle daring to touch his person.
But not now.
For once he didn’t look like a perfect Roman statue. Instead he looked like he had lived in the same clothes for days. His hair was tousled and his shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest.
He was normally gravely composed and not the one to be noticed among his more colorful relatives. But with her he reeked of emotions he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, control. And to her surprise she found she liked this emotional Sin, because he didn’t hide his true self from her as he did with everyone else. He let her see his emotions, and she liked that.
The Beauty of You Page 9