by Marian Tee
“Hallir needs us now.” Angelica’s voice was grave but I wasn’t fooled. Her eyes were glittering in malicious triumph as she tossed me a hate-filled glance, a tiny, smug smile curving her impossibly red lips.
How could Lucian be so stupid like most men? Couldn’t he see through her and realize she was too cold for someone like him? He needed someone warm and loving like me to balance him out. If he and Angelica ended up together, they’d be enough to prevent global warming, grow polar bears in the Sahara, and make Africa the world’s greatest winter wonderland.
“Let’s go then,” Lucian murmured. He turned to me almost as if I was an afterthought, Angelica doing the same almost at the same time. They moved in near perfect synchrony, a poster couple for Evren.
“You’ll be fine?” Lucian asked again.
Digging my fingers into my palms, I used the stinging sensation to distract me from the greater pain the sight of them together was inflicting.
Don’t go, please, I wanted to cry out, but I could only scream the words inside my mind. If The Voice was listening, it would probably have been deaf by now. Don’t go with her, Lucian.
But Lucian only continued to walk alongside Angelica.
I love you, Lucian. Please, please, give me a sign we still have a chance.
But they only continued to walk further and further away from me, and each step he took was a step he could never retrace, diminishing the chance for him to come back.
Look back, Lucian. At least look back.
Angelica murmured something so low even my acute Evren hearing couldn’t catch it. Lucian laughed, and the sound of it was like a can of pepper spray being emptied out on my entire body, burning mind, heart, and soul.
But I ignored the throbbing pain. I was Deli, after all, the expert in ignoring inconvenient truths and without thought, I called out shakily, “Lucian.”
He didn’t turn and, ignoring the curious looks of other Evren, I said more loudly, “Lucian.” I hurried to him just as he reached Hallir’s room. I grabbed the back of his shirt and he went still.
“Excuse me for a moment, if you please,” he murmured to Angelica.
“Of course,” she murmured back and turned away but not without giving me another venom-filled glance as a parting gift. She should’ve been Zekan rather than Evren. It would have suited her more.
Lucian faced me, his beautiful face carved in its usual mask of indifference. I opened my mouth to apologize but he beat me to speaking.
“Don’t you ever think?”
He wasn’t shouting, but he didn’t have to. Evren hearing, remember? And since everyone here was Evren, he might as well have broadcasted it to the entire race.
“Can’t you ever think?”
He was furious. I knew he’d be mad but not like this. His temper had always been reasonable, and I just didn’t understand why he was so furious. I could only stare at him, stunned, bewildered, and hurt.
Was he mad at himself, Dyvian, me, or all of the above?
Lucian cursed. I took an involuntary step back, realizing he had actually gotten more furious in the past three seconds.
I started to wonder again. It was an effective distraction, preventing me from breaking down in front of the entire population of Evren. Mad at himself, Dyvian—
“Dammit, grow up, will you? Something bigger is happening here, Deli. I know you’re not the smartest girl in the world, but could you try to understand there’s something more important than your stupid little infatuation?”
“Lucian,” Dyvian growled. He was suddenly beside me. Or had he been there far longer? I couldn’t exactly remember. I was shocked, enough not to even have the sense to feel hurt at Lucian’s unjust accusations. Why is he so mad?
But I have to be patient, I reminded myself. My brain cells were working hard enough to make me remember that much. I shook my head at Dyvian. “It’s not his fault.”
Forcing myself to smile at Lucian and almost flinching at the unabated fury in his eyes, I said lightly, “You’re right. I’m being a spoiled brat again.” I rose to my toes and kissed him on the cheek. “Sorry, Lucian. Say you’ll forgive me later with a kiss?”
And then I turned back, walking more swiftly than any human ever could.
I wandered away, making sure to remember the paths I took this time because I didn’t want to get lost again. I found myself in a greenhouse, with a sparkling fountain amidst dense but artistically structured foliage.
Taking a seat on its stone ledge, I let my fingers graze the pool of water. I bent down just in time to see another woman approaching from behind in the water’s reflection. I spun around, heart beating fast, scared that a Zekan might have sneaked inside the holiest of all Evren places.
The woman smiled. “Hola.” She was of medium height, with long black hair, and ebony eyes, her complexion a lovely olive. Her faux fur shrug, cream cotton blouse, and dyed jeans were quite chic but had a travel-weary look to them.
My breathing slowed down and I relaxed. Stupid paranoid Deli. I mentally shook my head.
“Hi,” I greeted her in overly bright tones, hoping she didn’t think I was crazy for smiling so widely. I welcomed her presence. At least she wouldn’t let me think too much. The shock had receded, the numbness was gone, and I was badly tempted to give myself a good half hour of loud, nonstop sobbing.
She smiled back and offered her hand. “Teresa Santos-Church.”
“Deli Winters.” I shook hands with her.
Her eyes lit up. “Ah. La nueva niña. I have been excited to meet you.”
Since my Spanish was limited to hola and mi casa, su casa, I could only smile and nod, hoping she hadn’t said anything weird or offensive.
“I am like you, too.” She took a seat next to me, stretched her legs and rotated her slim ankles. Cracking sounds suddenly filled the place and it took me a few seconds to realize the sounds had come from her—or her joints, to be more specific.
“Wow.”
She laughed. “Let’s just say I’m more athletic than most Evren.” She rotated them again, her joints cracking even more noisily, and gave out a long, satisfied sigh. “Maravillosa.”
“You’ve been traveling?”
“Sí. My husband and I just arrived from Spain, and we came here directly to answer Hallir’s summons.” She arched her back, sighing when her spine made the obligatory cracking sound. “Forgive me. We’ve been on the plane for hours. We had to take the cheapest seats because Hallir asked us to make haste, and the plane accommodations were horrible.” Her nose wrinkled. “The food was even worse.”
I nodded understandingly, but my mind was revolving on her earlier words and I asked casually, “So, you’re like me in what sense? A new Evren?”
“Not quite.” She cocked her head to the side. “Your maker is Lucian Chevalier, sí?”
“Uhh, yes,” I confirmed even though I found it weird to have someone call Lucian my maker. It smacked too much of a queer father-daughter relationship, and I didn’t want anyone to think Lucian, in spite of our humongous age gap, was some kind of second dad to me.
“And you like him?” Her rotating wrists were making the cracking noise this time.
Do I tell the truth or not? “Umm…”
“Don’t be embarrassed, child. My husband is also my maker, you know.” She winked. “I like to think love and serendipity are at work when someone is turned Evren.”
It took me a while before I understood what she was hinting at. “Oh.” My eyes were wide. “You were human once, too? And your husband? He was responsible for turning you?”
“I was turned in 1778 and every day, I feel humbled and blessed because Carlos made me like him.” She laughed softly. “Admittedly, the mind-reading takes a bit of getting used to—”
“You mean The Voice?” I burst out and twisted to gaze at her in amazement. “You have one, too?”
She raised a quizzical brow. “Is that how you two call it?”
“What should you call it?”
“ESP? Mental telepathy? A private bond? We don’t really have a name for it.” Her voice lowered. “Hallir told us to keep it a secret, you know. There are only pitifully few of us, after all.”
“Us?”
“Evren who had once been human,” she explained. “Only Evren like us and our makers are able to hear each other’s thoughts. Hallir believes our secret ability to communicate could be a valuable asset in our battle against Zekans.”
But I barely heard her words.
My mind had frozen, my heart had stopped beating, and my body had become paralyzed. It took me a while to speak. “Are you saying the voice in my head is Lucian’s?”
She looked at me like I was crazy. “Who else could it be?”
Indeed, who else could it be?
For one moment, the whole world blurred, and my body swayed alarmingly, making Teresa call out anxiously, “Deli? Are you all right?”
No, I wasn’t all right. I was anything but all right. Nothing about my life was all right because everything had been a lie.
Oh, God.
The truth crashed in and brought me back to life. I covered my mouth with trembling hands, trying to stop myself from crying. My lungs threatened to burst, making it impossible to breathe. My chest felt like it was caving in, unable to bear the pain exploding from my heart.
Lucian and The Voice were one. The words smashed every loving thought I had of Lucian in my mind, tumbling down memory lane and making me recall every little damn secret I had shared with The Voice.
“Deli?” Teresa was right in front me, shaking my shoulders, but she seemed a fuzzy, faraway figure in my eyes.
I couldn’t tear away my mind from the memories. The goddamn memories. Lucian had probably laughed every time I thought myself lucky because he hadn’t known I liked him. It was probably why he found it so damn easy not to say sorry because he knew I was suffering, too. Right now, he was probably—
I stumbled to my feet, realizing he could be reading my thoughts here and now.
Teresa watched me with fretful eyes. “I have to go,” I said clumsily. “I can’t explain, but I have to go.” I pushed past her, instinctively knowing there was a need for haste. He was going to come after me. I was sure of it.
“Deli.”
“No,” I screamed out loud and picked up my pace. It took me a while to find the entranceway to the cave, and I tried to run faster, only to hurtle into an invisible force.
Lucian materialized into view, a stricken expression on his face.
“Let me go,” I snarled, hating myself for being so weak that I was crying again, hating myself for loving him still, and hating myself because I was so stupid. Why was I so stupid?
I slapped him.
Lucian’s head snapped to the side, but his grip on my shoulders didn’t loosen.
“Let go,” I screamed. For once in my life, I found him ugly and despicable. Shiny black hair, forest green eyes, the strong shoulders, the golden skin… I saw nothing of them because all his lies were staring back at me, taunting me for being so goddamn stupid.
He flinched and I knew he had been reading my mind again. I struggled harder. “Stop it, damn you.” Tears clogged my throat and the sea of self-loathing inside me rose higher. I didn’t want to cry for him. He didn’t deserve it. Why can’t I be smart for once? Why can’t my heart ever listen to my head? I don’t want to cry.
“I’m sorry.” His face was ashen, the words slipping past bloodless lips. “But I didn’t mean to hurt you, Deli. You must believe that—”
“I’ll never believe you.” I shook my head wildly. “God. You make me feel so stupid.”
“Let me explain, Deli, please.” Lucian sounded desperate. “I’m a coward. I know it. I was planning to tell you, but everything got complicated. I found out you liked me—”
I slapped him again. His head barely turned, telling me without words that he had been expecting it, and I nearly exploded in my rage and misery. “Stop reading my mind!”
If he hadn’t been holding me, I would have slid to my knees, the pain of his betrayal completely zapping my body of strength.
“I can’t let you go,” Lucian whispered. “I know I should. I know I don’t deserve to have you stay with me, but I can’t.”
I laughed and didn’t stop laughing even when he flinched. I couldn’t. “Do you know why I love you so much, Lucian?” I touched his face and marveled again at how beautiful he was. I was so stupid. Maybe none of this was Lucian’s fault. Maybe I was entirely to blame, for thinking someone like Lucian could love someone like me.
“I love you because you make me feel good inside. I love you because you don’t make me wish I could be smarter like other girls. A lot of guys like me, but always, there’d come a time that they’d wish I was just a little bit smarter. But you were different. You made me feel happy I’m myself and—” I couldn’t continue because I had to cry.
I needed to cry and I wept, letting the tears do their best to wash away my bitterness and misery. “But I was wrong, wasn’t I?”
Lucian had gone so still I didn’t think he heard me. Maybe he had gone back to thinking about some Evren crisis and here I was, boring him to death—
“Did you have fun, Lucian?” I choked out.
His face whitened even more. “No,” he said so fiercely and with such conviction, I almost believed him.
I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t.
“Did you share the joke with Angelica?” I remembered that painful little scene when Angelica had said something to him and he had laughed. “Were you laughing together behind my back?”
“She knows nothing.” His voice was unsteady but his eyes never strayed from mine. “If anything, believe that. Dyvian had guessed the truth, but I never told a soul.”
“Thank you for that much, I guess.” I despised the brittle sound of my voice and blamed Lucian for making me hate so many things about myself. He’s not the right one for you, Deli. Do you understand now? Your Prince Charming should be someone who makes you love yourself—
I stopped and searched his gaze in panic, realizing he could be listening to my thoughts again.
Lucian understood the question in my eyes and he drew his breath sharply as if someone had punched him in the gut. “I didn’t listen. I won’t do it again without your permission.”
“Like that would ever happen.”
He only nodded and his silence hurt. He must be bored.
“I’m leaving.”
The faraway look vanished from his eyes and for one second, he looked lost and defeated, before he breathed in deeply, as if preparing himself. “Let me explain—”
“There’s nothing to explain,” I interrupted and just this once, I succeeded matching his coldness with my own.
Of course, there was nothing cold about Lucian now. But I didn’t want to acknowledge the fear in his eyes, the desperation, and the despair, so I told myself I had just been imagining it.
“I’m not that stupid, Lucian. I understand what happened perfectly. And I’m sorry if our race is having the equivalent of code red here, but I don’t care.”
“Just let me explain, dammit.” Panic flared in his eyes and he spoke hurriedly, “Just give me a chance. I won’t force you to do anything. Just hear me out, Deli. Please.”
God, he was good. What was the point of all this? Hadn’t he had enough amusement at my expense?
I tried another time to free myself of his hold, but his grip on my shoulders only tightened. Every second in his company only made the pain inside me intensify. “What else do you want?” I sobbed out.
He tried to make me look at him but I tore my face away, stubbornly staring at anywhere but him. “I want you to forgive me. I want you to tell me how to make things right because I l—”
“I’m sick at the very sight of you.” My voice was hoarse with pain. “Can’t you see that?”
And before he could say another word, I gathered every bit of power within me, expelling it in one blast.
The attack took him by surprise. Its force threw him back, and he hit the wall with a hard thud.
I willed myself to turn invisible and at the first touch of ice on my skin, I jumped off the cave’s precipice. I didn’t care to ascertain if my body had adjusted adequately for flight, and I was plummeting to my death.
I closed my eyes.
There was a slight vibration in my mind and now, I knew what it was. “Don’t read my mind, Lucian. You owe me this.”
“I won’t after this. But I want to tell you something first—”
“No.”