by Leddy Harper
Her entire body heaved with emotion I couldn’t quell.
I held her for a while, stroking her back the way she’d done to me so many years ago when I first came to stay with her. At the time, I feared she’d give me back. I’d be too much for her to handle, and she’d give up, returning me the way everyone else had.
But she hadn’t.
She’d kept me.
Supported me.
Loved me.
And here I was, about to turn my back on her.
I released her and pointed to a line I’d written a few minutes earlier. I took the marker and circled it, hit the paper with the tip until black dots lined it. I needed her to go. I needed to be alone. To think. To figure everything out. My heart and head were at odds and I wouldn’t be able to make a decision with her standing in front of me. With her cries filling the room.
With her sorrow filling my chest.
Elise nodded, not once meeting my gaze. She backed away and took one step toward the open bedroom door. On instinct, I grabbed her arm and spun her around until she met my chest again. I wrapped my arms around her once more, squeezing her tight this time, and felt a sudden calmness overtake me when she did the same.
Maybe she knew. Maybe she didn’t. But this hug felt as much of a goodbye from her as was meant from me. She didn’t try to stop me, beg me to stay, say anything to change my mind. Which led me to believe maybe she wasn’t aware of what I’d meant when I held her to me. Or, it could’ve been that she knew it’d be futile to hold me back.
After she pulled herself away from me, she looked into my eyes and cupped my cheek. “I love you, Killian. Never doubt that. Never question it. You may not have been my son, but in my heart, you always will be. I only want what’s best for you.”
I nodded, and then watched her walk away.
At least she didn’t have to watch me walk away.
When the door closed behind her, I took a bag from my closet and began to throw a few things inside. I didn’t have much. I didn’t need much. Only my sketch pads, my dad’s yearbook, a few pairs of clothes, and the withdrawal slips for my bank. Everything else I could figure out later.
I glanced around my room, the one I’d had for the last seven years. This had been my home, although it never truly felt like it. Elise had done everything she could to make me comfortable, make me belong. But no matter what, I was never able to shake the feeling of being a guest.
I had too much unfinished business.
As I snuck out the window, leaving everything else behind, I knew there was one more thing I had to get. One more thing I couldn’t walk away without. One thing I couldn’t leave behind. Everything I had was replaceable—including the sketches and bank slips. Everything except her.
Except Rylee.
I needed her.
Thirteen
Rylee
A thunderous knock jolted me awake. I lay still for a moment to allow my mind the chance to comprehend where the sound had come from, even though my heart already knew. When it resonated again, I leapt from my bed and opened the blinds. Killian stood on the other side, pacing a few steps back and forth with his gaze set on the ground beneath his feet.
“What’s wrong?” I asked once I lifted the window.
He glanced at me, and for the first time, I found myself hating the night. I couldn’t see his expression, couldn’t read him, but I could feel it. Devastation rolled off him in furious waves, blasting through the screen until they washed over me. Suffocated me. Drowned me in his pain.
“Killian,” I whispered, although it came out slightly louder than I’d anticipated. I glanced behind me at my closed door, for no other reason than reassurance, and then popped the screen out like I’d done so many times to let him in. But he didn’t come forward. He didn’t make a move to crawl inside. That’s when my panic increased, pushing me out the window.
He finally stilled once my bare feet landed in the grass. It took him two steps to make his way to me, where he grabbed my shoulders and stared into my eyes beneath the dark sky. If the moon was out, it was hiding. The only light available was the subtle glow from the stars, coupled with the streetlight on the other side of the fence.
“What’s wrong?” Fear consumed me until my voice was shaky and breathless.
“Leave with me. Come with me.”
I shook my head, hoping I’d heard him wrong. “Where are you going?”
“I can’t stay here anymore. It’s time for me to leave. But I can’t go without you. I can’t leave you behind. So please, come with me.” The desperation in his tone frightened me. It hollowed me out and left me empty, confused, and utterly heartbroken.
“I can’t, Killian. It’s a school night. My parents will know I’m gone.”
“That’s okay. I can take care of you. It’ll be me and you.”
“I’m seventeen. I’m still in school.” I tried to pull away, but his hold on me tightened. “You’re still in school. We can’t just run away. Where is this coming from? I don’t understand. Why are you leaving?”
He finally released me and stumbled back a few steps. “I just… I can’t stay here any longer. But I can’t walk away from you. I need you, Rylee. Please, come with me. Run away with me.”
“Killian, do you hear yourself? I can’t run away. I can’t leave my family behind. We had a plan. You stay and take college classes online while I finish high school, and then we go away together. Why are you changing this? Why can’t you wait one more year?”
He fisted his hands in his hair and spun around in circles like a lost little boy in a grocery store looking for his mother. Fighting away the confusion and unanswered questions, I locked my arms around his neck, unconsciously offering him the comfort I knew he needed.
“Look at me.” I kept my tone even, despite the uneasiness pumping through my veins. “We can still run off together…in a year. Let’s stick to our plan. Just take a few deep breaths, think about what you’re doing, and wait until I’m done with school.”
He dropped his hands to my shoulders and grabbed a tight curl next to my face. It wound around his finger while he carefully studied it, as if memorizing it. “I don’t know if I can wait. I don’t know how much longer I can stay here, knowing I…”
“Knowing what, Killian? What do you know?” I asked when I realized he wouldn’t finish his sentence. “What happened tonight?”
His hands settled gently on my hips, but then he gripped them tight, pulling my body flush with his. “She doesn’t understand me like you do. No one does. I need you, Rylee…more than I need anything else in the world. You’re the only one who can save me. I feel like I’m in a prison here. Trapped in my head, trapped in the nightmare I can’t shake. But you…you’re the only one who makes that go away. You erase the images. It’s you. Only you. Don’t make me do this alone. I won’t survive.”
I held onto his face and looked as deeply into his eyes as I could without sufficient light. Although, I didn’t need to see them to know how he felt. It was in his voice, in the way he touched me. In his desperate breaths. The torture he’d hidden away for years had resurfaced and leaked from his pores, saturated him in agony.
I only wanted to make it go away.
Silence it.
So I pulled his face to mine. With our lips so close I could feel the heat from his, I whispered, “Then stay with me. Be with me. Don’t leave. Don’t walk away, Killian. I can’t survive without you, either.”
His mouth collided with mine with so much force our teeth clashed. It reminded me of our first kiss, the first time I ever felt his lips. It was hurried, desperate…needy. I wanted to evaluate the meaning, decipher the purpose, but he didn’t let up. He took every ounce of oxygen around us until there wasn’t enough left for my brain to function properly. Logic didn’t exist. The where, when, how, why, wouldn’t translate.
It was him and me.
Me and him.
No one else. Nothing else. Just us. On the side of my house with my back against th
e brick, his lips on mine, his tongue taking control—demanding control. For a brief moment, when he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of my cotton shorts, my chest constricted. Fear choked me. But it didn’t last long, because he didn’t take his time. My shorts and panties dropped around my ankles and his lips pressed against my neck.
“I need you, Rylee.” It was all it took to wipe my mind clear of the entire world around us. He gripped the backs of my thighs and hoisted me, pinning me against the side of the house. My legs wrapped around his hips and I locked my ankles behind him.
Over the last year and a half, we’d been together so many times I’d lost count. It was awkward at first, neither of us knowing what to do, and both being completely inexperienced. But we’d learned together. We studied each other. And now, whenever he touched me, I lacked the ability to turn him down. My body knew what his could do, and craved it like a junkie.
Killian was my drug.
The only drug I knew.
I unfastened his jeans for him and pulled them down just enough to free him. He was hard, long, and throbbing in my hand. My core involuntarily clenched and pulsed, anticipating him inside me.
Not even a second after I aligned him with my entrance, he pushed in. His soft skin moved in and out effortlessly, slick with my need for him. His face remained buried in the crook of my neck—his favorite place—while he stroked every inch of my insides, bringing me to indescribable heights.
“I need you,” he continued to growl against my skin. Over and over again he repeated the same sentiment, covering me with his demand, his promise, his devastation.
His hair twisted in my fingers, and I used the hold to keep him close to me. My eyes closed on instinct. Heat rolled through me like a storm cloud, slow and powerful, all-consuming. Heavy. Dark. Intense. It filled me on the inside and covered me on the outside. I tightened my legs around him as he lifted me higher and higher toward the proverbial cliff.
“I need you to be mine. All mine.” His breath burned my shoulder.
“I am yours, Killian.” I had to force the words out. He needed to hear them. But I was so lost in what his body gave mine, I wasn’t sure they were loud enough, or clear enough for him to understand. “I’m yours. And you’re mine.”
With that, his pace picked up, his strength increased. I could feel him everywhere. Deep inside, licking the swollen need only he could reach. Outside, where his body met mine, where his pubic bone assaulted my aching clit, adding to the increasing sensations he delivered. Against me. Around me. There wasn’t a part of my body, inside or out, that couldn’t feel him.
But I felt him the most in my chest.
In my heart.
In. Every. Single. Beat.
The heat of his breath scorched the skin on my neck one more time, and his grumbling voice filtered into my ears. I knew he said something, but I didn’t understand it. The tingles inside spread out, turning the heat to ice. The power in which I came deafened me to his words, numbed me to the harsh friction of the brick against my spine. I bit my lip to quiet the intense pleasure flooding me and held him tighter as his thrusts became shallow and rigid.
He finally lifted his face from my shoulder and pressed his forehead against mine. Our breaths mingled between us while we tried to settle down and process what had just happened. It wasn’t the first time we fell into the need for sex before finishing a conversation. We both seemed to be so passionate about the other, we had a hard time fighting the desire to be together, despite the situation that laid at our feet.
This time was no different.
Except, this time, we weren’t given the opportunity to finish our conversation.
Had we not been breathing so heavily, I might’ve thought more about the stray cat that raced past us. I might’ve contemplated it more than just realizing what it was. I wouldn’t have ignored it. But I wasn’t given the time to process it all before it rounded the corner of the house, tripping the motion detector light.
Instead of pulling away, Killian kissed me. Hard. His body shook and his hold on me tightened. It was unlike any other kiss he’d ever given me. Like he was telling me something in it. At the sound of the screen door opening, he pulled out of me and set me on the ground. He touched my face once more, lingering for a second too long.
“Go…before you get caught.” I shoved him away with my heartbeat crashing in my ears. His mouth moved, but I couldn’t hear anything, nor could I read his lips. Panic pushed me forward until I shoved him again. In an instant, he climbed the fence and hopped to the other side with a soft thud of his shoes on the grass.
I pressed myself against the side of the house, praying I was hidden enough in the shadows. My breathing was erratic, almost impossible to slow down. I closed my eyes and sucked in my stomach, as if it’d make me invisible, but the moment a bright light lit up the backs of my eyelids, I knew it was over.
“What are you doing out here?” My father’s deep voice sounded closer than I thought it was. The light moved off my face and gave me a chance to open my eyes. I found him shining his flashlight into my window, where the screen leaned against the wall below it. He took an angered breath and growled, “Get back inside.”
I couldn’t move, frozen in fear. My shorts and panties still lay on the ground by my feet. My T-shirt hung low enough he couldn’t see me, but I knew if he watched me crawl back through the window, he’d know. So instead of following his orders, I remained where I stood.
“Rylee…” It was a warning, one I knew better than to disobey. “I said to get back inside now.”
Leaving my clothes behind, I shuffled along the brick toward my open window. It took three steps before his growl echoed in the night, sounding more like an incensed animal than my dad. The beam of light hit my bare thighs, then drifted to the grass. I didn’t need to look to know what he found. The warm fluid along the inside of my thigh, cooling as it trailed down my skin, was enough to know how much trouble I was about to be in.
After the first time Killian and I had sex, we made sure to always use a condom. Always. I was too scared to tell my mom, even though she’d assured me she wouldn’t be upset. I knew she’d make me stay away from Killian. So I never told her. I never went to the doctor or got on birth control. Luckily, I’d started my period two days later, so we didn’t have to suffer long before we knew we were safe. But I knew now, standing outside in front of my father, half naked with come dripping down my leg…I wasn’t safe.
At all.
Nothing could protect me.
A week went by. Nothing from Killian. I’d been grounded, not allowed out of the house except for school. My parents had taken away my phone, so I had no way to get ahold of him. Every morning, I prayed I’d wake up to a note—even though my screen had been repaired and my window nailed shut. But every morning, I woke up to nothing.
A month went by. Still no word from him. My parents kept me under lock and key, and I knew my summer would be no different. I’d stare out the front window for hours, hoping to see him run by, or at the very least, just outside. But I never did.
The summer came and went. It was my senior year, a time I should’ve felt on top of the world. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Not when Killian had practically vanished into thin air. I hadn’t seen him since he jumped over the fence. Since the night he left me alone in the dark with nothing more than his come inside me. I knew it—had known it since that night—he was gone.
He wasn’t coming back.
Fourteen
Rylee
Five Years Later
“I’ll be fine. Don’t rush back. Drive safe.” Josh’s voice filled my car through the speakers, sounding more profound than usual. He had a deep voice, but not gravelly or heavy like other men. It was…normal. For some reason, when I spoke to him over Bluetooth in the car, it made him sound rougher, meaner. I liked it…and I didn’t. I loved the sound of a man’s voice, throaty and powerful. But I hated to hear it because it always reminded me of one person—the one I couldn�
�t forget, no matter how long it’d been since I’d last heard it.
“I want to be there to support you, though. I feel bad I can’t,” I said.
“It’s not even a real fight, babe. Just some kid who wants to make a name for himself. It’s no big deal. I promise. I’ll knock him out in two hits, he’ll go down, the bell will ring, and it’ll all be over. You won’t be missing much.”
I rested my head against the back of the seat and focused on the traffic in front of me. The drive from Smithsville, Tennessee, to Baltimore was long—about eight hours—and I still had at least two left, providing I didn’t run into any more accidents along the way. I was tired of being in the car, but wanted to hurry and get home. Well, the place I’d called home for the last four years.
“I still don’t understand how this fighting thing works.”
Josh laughed on the other end. “It’s fighting, Lee. You punch people until they’re down or give up. It’s not hard to understand.”
I rolled my eyes. We’d only been dating for four months, and most of that I’d been in school finishing my degree, so we were still new to the relationship, but I hated how condescending he could be at times. Josh was older than me by nine years, and sometimes, it felt like he used that as an excuse to talk down to me. It didn’t happen often, but when it did, it took everything in me to not argue back.
“You know what I mean, Josh. I’m not talking about fighting; I grasp that concept. I’m talking about the rules. How it all works. This isn’t some bar brawl, a free-for-all.” I sighed and switched lanes to get around a slow car, my irritation with my boyfriend bleeding into my driving. “Never mind. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Ask me what you want to know and I’ll tell you.” He’d explained it to me before—kind of. Josh had this way of talking to people as if they knew what he meant. He’d use terms and phrases that went right over my head, and when I’d interrupt him to ask him to clarify, he’d get frustrated. So eventually, I stopped asking, even though I had no clue what he was talking about most of the time.