“We’re clear,” Gus called back to us.
I let the air escape my lungs, not realizing until then that I had been holding my breath. I looked at Boggs, and he wrapped an arm around me.
“It’ll be ok, Zo.”
“I hope so,” I said.
“Unless a zombie eats you,” taunted Susan cruelly.
I glared at her.
Emilie took the opportunity to interrupt. “The bags are full of clothes. Nothing fancy but we can probably use them.”
“Oh, Boggs, I found a revolver in the glove box of the convertible.” I had forgotten about the gun with everything else happening so quickly.
“Ya?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
“And a hunting knife. They’re both in the backpack.” I gestured toward the headache rack that separated us from the passenger seat, where the backpack was stashed.
“Cool,” he said. “I’ll take a look when we stop next.”
We sat beside each other, resting, while Gus drove. It was hard to tell how much time passed.
“I see a building up on the right,” said Julio finally.
“I see it,” said Gus.
“Boggs called up to the other men. “What is it?”
“Hard to say,” said Gus. “It’s not huge. I’m going to stop the van here. Zoe, can you come up front?”
I looked at Boggs. He shrugged.
“Ok,” I said as I stood. My left leg had fallen asleep, so I hobbled up to the cab.
“Zoe, I hate to ask but do you sense anything here?” asked Gus kindly.
I looked out the windshield at the small brick building not far away. Nothing buzzed, tickled, or tormented my brain. I shook my head. “Not so far.’
Gus looked thoughtful for a moment. I’m going to park in front, and then ask you again. Is that ok?”
I looked at him. “Sure. Anything I can do to help, Gus. I just want to get us all back home ok.”
He smiled at me. “Good girl. Ok, mind standing here? Just hold onto the backs of our seats for stability while I park.”
I gripped both seats, and the van lurched forward again. It took all of two minutes to pull off the highway and situate the van in front of the small building. We could see the sign now.
Edith’s General Store
“Hot damn,” said Julio. “It’s a general store!”
“Ok, before everyone gets too excited let’s just sit back and figure out our next move. Zoe, how does it feel here?” Gus questioned me.
I concentrated on my own mind. I still felt nothing unusual. “Nothing,” I said.
Gus turned halfway around so he could look into the back of the van and talk to us all at once. “I think we should make this quick. In and out. Load up what we can and head back toward the cabin. Let’s not get too dependent on Zoe’s feelings. We need to assume anyone, or anything, can be in there. Boggs, Julio and I will go in and clear the building, and then all of us can go in and gather supplies. Everyone got it?”
We all either nodded or grunted or said “yes.”
“Gus?” I said to get his attention.
“Ya?”
“Just…be careful, ok?”
“We all will,” he answered. “Ok, Julio, Boggs. Let’s do this bad boy.”
The three men made sure their firearms were readied and exited the van. I watched as they walked to the building, keeping away from windows until they could better assess the situation inside. I thought all three looked tense, understandably so. Emilie came to stand beside me. Neither of us seemed interested in actually leaving the back of the van to sit in the cab. I think instinct must have told us to stay out of view.
Julio reached his hand out to the door handle of the store and tried pulling on it. He lifted his hand from the handle and raised both arms in the air. I watched as he stepped back, and the door opened outward. A rough looking old man with greasy gray hair and a scraggly beard to match walked out, holding a sawed-off shotgun. While I couldn’t hear his exact words, the man was talking in a raised voice that sounded threatening. I watched as Julio and the other two men from our group all slowly lower their guns to the ground, then stand and place their hands on their heads. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. The old man continued to yell at Julio, who was shaking his head back and forth. I had a hunch he was pleading with the man, and as calmly as I could I asked Susan to bring the backpack from the wrecked cars to me. I didn’t take my eyes off our companions who were outside the store. Thankfully Susan had the good sense to not question me when I asked her to fetch the bag, and moments later I felt the pack being held out for my waiting hand. Julio was now down on his knees, his hands still clasped behind his head. I unzipped the pack blindly, still not averting my eyes from the scene in front of the store. I reached in, feeling for the revolver. I found the hunting knife first and handed it to Emilie.
“Zoe? What do we do?” asked Emilie. I could hear her voice trembling with fear.
“What is it?” asked Susan.
Neither of us answered, and I could sense her standing directly behind us.
“Oh fuck,” she said. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…”
Louisa was still in the back, and I didn’t want her seeing what was going on.
“Susan, go sit with Louisa, please?” begged Emilie. “Zoe, that’s a semi-automatic shotgun. That’s serious shit.” How she knew this, I’m not sure.
At last my hand came into contact with the revolver, and I pulled it out of the pack. I quickly opened the cylinder even though I knew it held ammo. I shut it, hoping I did it correctly. Julio was starting to move his hands away from his head and the dirty old man seemed to agitate further. Boggs and Gus were as close to Julio as they dared, and by the looks on their faces I could tell they felt helpless. Any time one of them attempted to advance, the old man got louder and began waving his gun. Suddenly the old man fired the shotgun, and Julio tumbled backward onto the asphalt of the store parking lot. I felt my core go numb. Time slowed momentarily and nothing seemed real. I was brought back to real time when I heard Susan starting to sob.
“Be quiet!” I said sharply. “Stay quiet! He doesn’t know we’re in here!”
Susan continued to cry, but it sounded like she had covered her mouth with her hands.
I looked in time to see the old man pump the shot gun, chambering another round. The man was aiming the gun at Gus and Boggs, alternating waving it between the two of them. Julio lay in a pool of blood, half of his head and chest missing.
Without thinking it over, I climbed down from the passenger seat and landed on the parking lot surface as quietly as I could. I was glad the men had left the sliding door open. I clutched the revolver in my right hand and crouched down by the tire. I was out of sight of the old man as well as Gus and Boggs, and knew I had to keep it that way in order to stay hidden. I crawled to the front bumper, where I dared to peek. Gus and Boggs were both on their knees at this point, and I could hear Gus trying to reason with the man. I held the revolver up and ran through what Boggs had taught me in the car the day we had fled his house and left Silvana behind. Aim, breathe in, exhale part way, shoot. Make sure your aim is true. Use two hands. I gripped the revolver in my right hand, supported my wrist with my left, and steadied both on the bumper of the van. I looked down the sight and tried to track the old man. It was far from easy. Something felt wrong, and I had a hard time pinpointing it. Boggs had shown me how to chamber a round in his Kahr, but that was different than a revolver. I wracked my brain and realized that in the movies, cowboys always pull the hammer back before firing. I tried to slow my breathing, and pulled the hammer of the revolver back. It felt stiff and took a lot of effort. It made a small click and I prayed no one else had heard it. I noticed the man was aiming at Gus in particular and decided it was now or never.
“Breathe, Zoe,” I whispered to myself.
I repositioned the gun in my hands and used the bumper to steady my aim again. I looked down the sight and attempted to track the old man’s head. I could
tell he was escalating by how intensely he held his weapon.
I breathed in, and as I exhaled I kept my hands as steady as I could and squeezed the trigger. The kick from the gun was greater than I had expected, knocking me onto my butt. My ears rang from the sound of the gun firing. Emilie was looking down at me within seconds, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. She helped me stand, and as my hearing started to return I was aware of Louisa screaming. I knew she had discovered that her husband was dead, and I felt sick. I was numb inside, a numb I had never experienced before.
“Zoe. Zoe, can you hear me?” asked Emilie.
I looked at her, not quite able to answer.
“Fuck, Zoe, you shot him in the head,” I heard Susan’s voice next to me. “Fucking A, girl. You shot that goddamn fucking bastard in the goddamn fucking head. Holy fuck!”
I looked at Emilie. “What happened?” I asked.
“I think she’s in shock,” said Susan.
I don’t remember getting back into the step van. I was sitting on a blanket on the floor of the van’s boxy back end. Louisa was sitting on her own blanket across the truck, sobbing and moaning in Spanish. The van was moving again. I could tell by the smoothness of the road that we were back on the highway. Boggs was beside me, stroking my hair. Emilie and Susan sat on either side of Louisa, trying to comfort her. I could tell from the lighting in the cab that the sun had started to set. More time had passed than I had been aware of.
“Where are we?” I asked Boggs.
“We’re headed back to the cabin, Zo. You’ve been asleep for over an hour.”
“Louisa. Is she ok?” As soon as I asked the question, I realized it was a stupid one.
Boggs shook his head back and forth. “Not really.”
“Julio,” I started crying. “Oh God, Boggs…”
“Shhhh,” he tried to soothe me. “I know, I know.”
“Boggs, did I kill that man?”
He nodded. “You also saved me and Gus, and probably Em, Susan and Louisa too. You did good, kiddo.” He kissed my forehead tenderly and held me to his chest. “You did good.”
I leaned against him, my heart breaking for Louisa. I wasn’t sure how to cope with the fact that I had killed another human. I’d save that for another day. I cried myself back to sleep.
Chapter 14
Gus, Boggs, and Emilie had been able to keep it together enough at the general store to stock up on supplies before we left while Susan, Louisa, and I had stayed in the van. The rear of the vehicle was now piled high with boxes of food and cases of water. Boggs had grabbed fishing poles and gear. Emilie had been smart enough to raid the feminine hygiene aisle, and had also grabbed cans of baby formula and diapers for Louisa and the baby. A lot of the store’s supplies had been perishable and had long ago gone bad. Gus had recovered the sawed-off shotgun from the man I had killed. These days nothing could be wasted, not even weapons that had taken the life of a friend.
I sat in the back of the step van wrapped in a blanket, looking at the supplies without much interest. Louisa had fallen asleep on the floor of the van from exhaustion and her head was resting on Susan’s lap. She continued to breathe unevenly in her sleep from her long bout of sobbing. Susan stayed seated to accommodate her sleeping friend, and gently stroked the newly widowed girl’s hair. Emilie was riding up front with Gus and Boggs sat next to me, deep in thought.
Eventually we arrived back at the cabin. It was late and eerily dark outside. A wind was blowing in gusts, whipping at the tree branches violently. Leaves had built up around the porch in small piles. Gus parked facing the cabin so we could use the headlights from the step van to see, which cast creepy shadows around the cabin.
The mood in the van was grave. I wasn’t sure I had the energy to stand and walk inside. Gus cut the engine and I heard Emilie get up and walk back to talk to us.
“We’re here, guys,” she said quietly. “Gus wants to get everyone inside quick, and we can bring supplies in afterward.”
Boggs looked at me. “You ready, Zo?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Sue?” Boggs called to his old fling quietly.
She looked up and seemed unaware that we had even stopped. Her face had a look of blankness. “Hmm?” she replied.
“I’ll come back for Louisa as soon as we get the door open. I’ll need time to clear the way to the back doors so we can get her out. Can you sit there with her for a couple minutes?’
Susan nodded. “Ya sure.”
“Zoe, I hate to ask ‘cause I know you’re tired, but once you are inside can you go upstairs, light a candle and turn down Louisa’s bed? I’ll be right behind you with her,” said Boggs. He looked up and addressed Susan next. “Emilie and Gus will make sure you get in safely.”
Susan nodded in understanding.
Gus had already exited the van through the driver’s door. Boggs took a moment to explain. “Gus is just checking out the rope knot he tied on the front door. He’ll come back to let us know it’s clear soon.”
“Where’s Em?” I asked in a whisper, realizing she wasn’t near anymore.
“She’s covering him with my pistol while he unties the knot,” he answered.
“Ok,” was all I said.
We sat and waited for several minutes before Gus returned to fetch me.
“Ok, Zoe, the cabin’s all clear darlin’. Emilie lit a couple candles in the kitchen so go ahead and take one upstairs with you.”
I nodded and then looked at Boggs.
“Go ahead and go up and I’ll be right behind you with Louisa. Five minutes tops,” Boggs reassured me.
“Ok,” I said sleepily. “I’ll get the bed ready.”
I stood and kept the blanket wrapped around me. I made sure none of it dragged at my feet to avoid tripping. I climbed out through the cab and walked to the front door. Emilie was standing there with the Kahr. She looked pale and washed out from the headlights.
“It’ll be ok, Zoe,” she said quietly as I passed her. “We’ll all be in soon. I promise.”
I nodded silently then stepped across the threshold. The kitchen felt empty. Perhaps it was me that felt empty. I walked to the table and picked up one of the candles that Em had lit. I quietly walked to the stairs and climbed to the second floor. It was so quiet that I could hear the back doors of the step van opening when I reached the end of the hallway and prepared to enter Louisa and Julio’s room. I walked in and stepped between Susan’s twin bed and Louisa’s queen. I set the candle on the bedside table and pulled the covers down to the foot of the bed. I absently fluffed the pillows. I wished there was more I could do to help, but how do you fix a life lost?
Within a minute or two Boggs appeared at the door to the bedroom with Louisa in his arms. She was awake now, but barely. I could see fresh tears on her cheeks. I had no words to comfort her. Boggs carried her to the bed and gently laid her down. Susan appeared next and walked to the other side of the bed. She reached across and pulled Louisa’s shoes off of her feet for her. She kicked her own off, and then climbed into the bed with the pregnant girl. Boggs and I were standing on opposite sides of the bed, and both helped to pull the covers over them. Boggs leaned down and kissed Louisa on the forehead. He and I left the room without speaking, leaving the door open part way.
Once in the hallway, Boggs whispered to me. “Gus and Emilie just started bringing in the supplies from the van. I’m gonna go help them, then be back up. It shouldn’t take long. Will you be ok?”
“I think so,” I whispered back. “I’m just going to lie down if that’s ok?”
He wrapped his strong arms around me. “Of course it’s ok, Zo.”
I watched him descend the stairs, then walked into our bedroom and fumbled for the candle and lighter that we kept in the nightstand drawer. I found them quickly, and lit the candle. I walked the flickering light to the vanity and set it down. The last thing I wanted was to be alone in the dark. I kept my clothes on, too tired to worry about changing for the night. I colla
psed onto the bed and turned to face the candle on the vanity. I watched the flickering patterns it produced on the wall and tried to not think about anything. I closed my eyes and made a wish that when I open them next I would be back in my own home, and that none of this would have happened. I found myself unable to open my eyes when I tried. Not unable physically, but unable mentally, because I knew that if I opened them nothing would have changed.
I began to cry, softly at first. My tears continued and it became difficult to breathe. I wanted my mom to hold me in her arms and tell me everything would be ok. I wanted to curl up into a shrinking ball and disappear. I wanted Julio to be back with us. I wanted the man I had shot to never have existed.
Through my tears and sobbing, I heard a soft knock on our open bedroom door.
“Zoe, may I come in and talk to you darlin’?” asked Gus quietly.
I tried to answer, but found myself only able to exhale in a jagged pattern. Gus walked through the doorway and sat on the bed beside me. He placed a hand on my back and tried to soothe me.
“Zoe, I’m guessing the others don’t know what it feels like to take another human life. I was in combat, so I do. There are no secret words of comfort, and to be honest everyone has to come to terms with it on their own. I just want you to know that you made the right decision, and that you saved lives today.”
“It’s not just that, Gus,” I said between ragged breaths. “I saw Julio die. Louisa needs him, how could he die?”
“It’s no one’s fault but the old coot that pulled the trigger, Zoe.”
“But if I would have thought to grab the gun sooner, maybe I could have saved him. Julio, I mean.”
“Zoe, I want you to sit up.”
I sniffled, and slowly pushed myself up to a sitting position beside the man I had grown to trust with my own life over the past several days.
“Listen to me, darlin.’ It is not your fault Julio died. If you ask yourself the ‘what if’s’ you’ll go crazy. It sucks, losing him, and we all need to be there for Louisa now. You. Me. All of us.”
Grace Lost (The Grace Series) Page 18