by Lynda Chance
His face contorted to a mask of fury, and he began walking around the bed toward her. Jessica was too mad to be scared, and she stood her ground, giving him a withering stare as he approached her.
His hands landed on her shoulders and his fingers bit into her flesh. "You're not fucking going anywhere with anybody. Get that through that thick skull of yours."
"Are you going with her?"
"Yes."
She dipped her head as if her answer was inevitable. "Well then, so am I."
His lips thinned in mounting rage. "I don't pay you to date other men. I told you how this would be when we started. You don't go anywhere with anybody but me. Nobody gets near you. That's the deal. I pay you. You're mine. My rules. End of fucking story!"
As his fingers bit into her, his words pierced through her heart, and she felt her stomach fall and all her hopes and dreams with it. Her anger slowly melted away and only sadness remained. It was over. It had to be over. She couldn't let him treat her like this, so it had to be over. Tears came to her eyes, but she didn't care. She'd already humiliated herself to the fullest by telling him she loved him. So a few tears in front of him meant nothing in the long run.
She forced herself to calm down and impose an iron control over the havoc that bled through her system. "I don't want your money anymore, Connor. It was a mistake to begin with, one I deeply regret and probably will for the rest of my life. But at least now I know how you really feel about me . . . I'll never be more to you than . . . " She shook her head. ". . . never mind." Her voice fell flat as twin tears spilled over.
He stared down at her, his expression inscrutable, and his lungs filled with a deep, hissing breath. "You can't change the rules just because things aren't going the way you want them to. You can't just blow me off. For one, you belong to me." His hands tightened and his voice sharpened with anger. "You're mine, Jessica, and you need to understand that shit immediately. Secondly, you don't have enough money even with the job." His voice became a snarling menace and Jessica inhaled sharply and forbade herself the luxury of closing her eyes to shut him out as he continued, even more hotly, "And in addition to all that, I signed a goddamn six month lease for you!"
"Let me go," she demanded in a flat, toneless voice.
"What?"
"I want to step away from you. Let. Go. Of. My. Arms." Determination reinforced every syllable she spoke.
He muttered a string of curses, but lifted his hands from her in an exaggerated motion and she stepped back from him immediately. "I'm not going to screw you on the lease. I can't do anything about your signature on it, but you don't have to pay for it anymore. I've got a roommate lined up for the fall semester, and I have enough money to make it until then. I've also been applying for every scholarship that I can get my hands on, and I've had some success. So, you're off the hook."
The look on his face didn't indicate in any way that he was pleased by anything she was saying. His features hardened into a hostile glare and he studied her contemptuously. "You've been a busy little girl, but you're not going to control me, Jessica. Don't even think it."
"I'm not trying to control you. I just don't want to take your money anymore. I don't want anything else to change . . . not between us. I don't want to break up, but it sounds like you--"
He cut in viciously, "We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, or any such shit . . . so don't say juvenile crap like breaking up. Don't be ridiculous."
As his words sank in, she was pierced to the quick. Wow. So now he was trying to hurt her. Not just hurt her by accident or chance or by doing stupid stuff members of the male sex were known to do, but intentionally. He was intentionally trying to hurt her. And he didn't choose just any old day, nope, not Connor. He picked the day she'd told him she loved him. So the hurt was magnified ten-fold. Pain squeezed her heart, but luckily, her pride chose that moment to kick in.
Jessica crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the bureau. "I guess that's it, then. There's nothing left to talk about. I'm not going to let you pay me for sex anymore, and you don't want a normal relationship."
"A normal relationship," he sneered. "That's what you want?"
"Yes." She'd never get what she wanted if she didn't speak up so she lifted her chin.
"How exactly do you see this 'normal relationship', going? What exactly do you want?"
"A committed relationship--"
"I gave you that!"
"Until you decided you wanted to go on a date with someone else, but won't let me do the same! That's not equality. The relationship needs to be on equal footing. You don't make the rules; I don't make the rules. We make the rules. And we don't go out with anyone else."
"What else do you want?"
"Nothing," she shrugged as nonchalantly as possible and then just went for the rest since she'd already spilled the beans anyway. "I just want someone to love me as much as I love him."
"You're trying to control me, Jessica."
"What is this damn hang-up you have about control? Something your wife did to you?"
"Don't. Go. There. Ever."
"Whatever, Connor."
Silence, heavy and thick rose up between them as they studied each other. He looked deep in thought, so Jessica stayed quiet and allowed him some time. When he spoke, his words sounded lifeless and deflated. "I'm not ready to give you what you want. It's too soon and I'm not . . . "
"That's fine," she said as gently as she could manage. She tried to remember that he'd only recently lost the love of his life and her feelings weren't the only ones that mattered. She did care for him, very much, and Jessica knew he was fighting some kind of inner demon. "I hope you find what it is you're looking for." She wasn't going to prolong this. She'd made it this far without falling on the floor and crying her eyes out but she knew that she couldn't hang on for much longer. Walking from the bedroom, she went and stood by the front door. He followed her partway, and stood just inside the living room. "It was nice knowing you." She bit her lip. "Thanks for everything."
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"No. You helped me when I needed help and--" Her voice cracked and she stopped talking.
Connor came up beside her and lifted her chin. "This isn't over. I need some time." His eyes turned hot and then cold again as his gaze filled with hostility. "But I'm going to tell you one thing and you better listen and listen good. You best keep those pretty little legs closed, understand me? If I even so much as catch a hint that some dude's sniffing around you, there'll be hell to pay."
"You're telling me to be faithful?" she asked him incredulously.
"You better believe it."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Are you going to be faithful to me during this . . . this time apart?"
He took her face into his hands and sank his fingers into her hair. His eyes were hot on hers as they swallowed her whole. "I don't have much of a goddamn choice in the matter. I couldn't get it up for anybody else even if I wanted to." His fists tightened around her skull. "And. I. Don't. Want. To."
Jessica's heart went haywire and her breath caught in her throat as hope, sweet and tempting sent butterflies soaring under her breastbone. But she had no time to think on it because Connor's mouth landed on hers, and his tongue pushed between her lips, and he took a kiss that rattled her brain and set her back to the moment when all she could think about was telling him she loved him. What remained of her pride disappeared, and she whispered, "Don't go to that stupid wedding, please don't."
He pulled away from her, pinched her chin once more and said, "Remember what I said. Legs closed." And then he walked from the apartment.
Jessica leaned against the door after he left and shut her eyes. She took a deep, sustaining breath. So maybe it wasn't over after all.
Chapter Eleven
Their confrontation had happened late on Sunday night, and luckily, work on Monday kept Jessica so busy that she didn't have time to dwell on her bruised and battered heart. She'd gotten
very little sleep the night before, mostly tossing and turning, and only when she walked out of the supermarket on Monday night, did it occur to her that she'd have to catch the bus and then walk in the dark the rest of the way home.
But that thought had barely registered when she saw Connor leaning against his car in his customary parking space, obviously there to pick her up. Butterflies whirled in her stomach and she found herself short of breath as she walked toward him. In the fifteen or so seconds it took her to cross to his vehicle, her very vivid, romantic imagination had him pulling her into his arms, begging her forgiveness, and then bending down on one knee, confessing his undying love and proposing marriage with his hand over his heart.
It didn't work out like that and her daydream was rudely interrupted when she came to a stop a few feet away from him. His eyes ran up and down her length before his expression turned grim. "Get in the car."
Her feet stalled in their tracks. "What are you doing here?"
As she watched, Connor turned away and opened his door, waiting for her to do the same. "Get in the car, Jessica."
She walked to the passenger side and slipped into the seat as he started the engine. Buckling the seatbelt, she turned to face him. "What are you doing here?"
He ignored her as if she hadn't spoken, and drove straight to her apartment where he pulled into the space in front of her unit and let his engine idle. He never said a word, and his actions and demeanor had her utterly confused. She put her hand on the door handle, preparing to let herself out. "I don't understand you," she said simply.
He gripped the steering wheel. "What don't you understand?"
"I thought you needed time. Why did you come get me?"
Her question angered him and his knuckles turned white where they held tightly to the steering wheel. "I do need time," he hissed under his breath. "But what the fuck did you expect? That I'd let you walk home in the goddamned dark?"
His eyes were glazed and tortured, and Jessica responded as gently as she could. "I can take care of myself, I promise you. I've been doing it for a long time."
"You're not walking home in the dark."
She studied him silently, almost feeling his pain. "You care about me," she said softly, almost stunned by the revelation.
His eyes closed and then he opened them, rolled them heavenward and turned his glacial stare on her. "You're just now figuring that out?"
She licked her lips. "I guess so."
Emotion passed between them and after a few seconds, he broke the invisible link by cocking his head toward her front door, dismissing her. "Make sure you lock up."
She blinked and nodded her head in silent agreement and then opened her door. She was about to step down when her elbow was caught in his steely grip. Swallowing hard, she turned to face him once more with a schooled expression.
His lips twisted in a grimace and his nostrils flared. His hand left her elbow and gripped her chin between his fingers. He leaned over and placed a single, hard, closed-mouth kiss on her lips. His mouth lifted from hers and fire glittered from his eyes as his fingers became almost brutal on her chin. "Legs. Closed."
She felt the color bleach from her face as she pulled away from him and fled into the apartment. Closing and bolting the door, she leaned against it, her heart beating rapidly, and waited for the sound of him driving off.
Finally, many minutes later, she heard the hum of his engine and she moved away from the door and sank down on the couch, her mind in a whirlwind and her heart more confused than ever.
****
The next two days crawled by as Jessica waited for Wednesday night when she knew in her heart that Connor would be waiting for her again. She'd been in contact with Anthony via text messaging and she knew he still wanted her to go with him on Saturday. She liked Anthony, he was both attractive and pleasant to be around. He wasn't full of himself or conceited in any way, and Jessica imagined if he had continued to pursue her and she'd never met Connor, she might have been tempted to start something up with him.
But she had met Connor, and Anthony was too nice of a guy to lead him on. If she went with him to the water park on Saturday, she would have to spell it out beforehand that it was only platonic, just a favor so he wouldn't have to show up to the mixer alone.
She told herself that she'd give Connor until this night, Wednesday night, to come to his senses before she committed to Anthony. Anthony assured her that he didn't mind waiting because he was out of all other possibilities for a date, with school not in session and most everyone back at home for the summer.
She managed to make it through her evening shift without going completely batty, and when she walked out, she found Connor leaning against his vehicle as she suspected he would be. Giving her best attempt at a smile, and batting down the butterflies in her stomach, she didn't wait for his order to get in his car; she headed him off at the pass and opened the passenger door and slid inside.
He climbed in beside her and didn't look at her, not once. He started the engine and within minutes they were pulling up in front of her apartment. He motioned with his head for her to get out, and it reminded her so much of his non-verbal commands of weeks ago that a liquid heat slid down her spine and landed between her thighs.
Sliding her hand to the door handle, Jessica acted as if she were on the verge on opening the door when that wasn't her intention at all. She turned back toward him, and pretending it was just an afterthought, asked, "Are you still going to the wedding on Saturday?"
His lips thinned and tersely, he nodded his head.
She pursed her mouth, lifted her brows and shook her head as if she couldn't believe he was really going to do it. She held his eyes and trying to shock him, and shocking herself in the process, she enunciated clearly, "Keep your pants zipped."
Surprise lit his features before he cracked a half-grin. She didn't smile back, trying to let him know that she was dead serious. She could forgive a lot of things, but there were two rules she'd always promised herself she'd live by. If a man hit her one time, she was gone. If a man cheated on her, he was history. And the way she saw it, if Connor was demanding her fidelity through all this messed-up shit, she had every right to do the same.
When her face didn't change expression, his smile dropped and his eyes became hooded. As he continued to stare at her in silence, his scrutiny became more pronounced, almost tangible, and her hand fell from the handle and dropped to her lap. His eyes moved from her face, down to her throat and finally, they landed on her breasts, which were lifting and falling with each jerky breath she took. Tension filled the darkened interior of the vehicle, and her heart turned over. She wanted him so badly, so very desperately. Suddenly, she couldn't take anymore and in a rush of movement, began to open the door to escape before she did something or said something stupid.
He reached over her, slammed the door shut again and his hand fell on her wrist, holding her in place. Her lungs seized up and the breath snarled in her throat. His eyes fell to her lips. "Fuck it. Fuck. It."
Jessica heard the hiss of the door locks sliding into place, and Connor's mouth fell on hers furiously, the force of it pushing her head against the backrest where he held her pinned. His tongue slammed between her lips and went deep inside her mouth and stole her breath immediately. Heat and lust clouded her mind and with the hand she had free, she clutched his hair and held him tightly. The kiss he gave her was violent, wet, hot, deep. She hung still in his arms, relief so intense she couldn't think, couldn't focus on anything but the smell of him, the touch of him. The hours and days without knowing what was going on inside his brain, not knowing if there was hope or no hope--it had almost killed her. And now he was kissing her as if he would devour her whole.
And then she remembered to kiss him back, and when she did, the kiss turned even wilder. He sank his hand into her hair and grasped her scalp, lifting her face for better access. Their tongues tangled, their breathing mingled roughly, she could hear her heartbeat thrumming through her ears.
Or was it his?
She hung in a state of blissful heat as his tongue lapped at hers wildly, before moving his lips to the side of her mouth and nipping at her, biting and sucking her lower lip into his mouth. She panted for air and wanted more than anything to drag him inside her apartment, and put everything behind them.
The kiss continued, and his hand dropped to her breast, kneading it and pulling at her nipple through the layers of material covering it. A spiral of heat clawed down her spine and she tightened her grip.
Connor pulled his mouth from hers. "You're mine, Jessica. Don't forget it."
His lips met hers again but Jessica pulled them away from him, breathing harshly. "Tell me you're not going to that wedding, Connor."
Jessica felt his breath stall. He wrapped his hands around her face and lifted, until his eyes were only inches from hers. "I have to go."
Even though she heard the agony in his voice, she couldn't care, not at that moment. "No, you don't. Please, don't." Jessica knew she was begging, but nothing in her life had ever seemed as important, and her pride had no place in this.
"I have to go," he repeated.
"No, you don't. I don't want you to go, I can't stand it. You don't know what it's doing to me, Connor. It's tearing me up inside." She shuddered and recognized that tears were streaming down her face. "Why? What's the deal that you think you have to go? I don't understand! You keep insisting on my fidelity, don't you understand how sad this is making me?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say . . . I need time."
"How much time, Connor? I can't stand this. I can't stand thinking about you going with her, sitting next to her in that church, holding her chair, her introducing you as if you were hers, and not mine. You're mine, Connor. This is killing me. She's going to try to touch you . . . " Jessica's eyes slipped closed, " . . . sleep with you."
"Baby, I'm not going to sleep with her."
"If you do, I'll never forgive you. And I'll know it, Connor."
"I'm not going to sleep with her, I don't want to sleep with her, and I'd never lie to you."